How can I work with a commitment phobe?

[giggle3474]

I hate to put that title on him but I have been researching the term commitment phobe for the past week and he has all the symptoms.

 

In an earlier post, I mentioned that my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has been talking about taking a break. He says hes scared, he needs to reevaluate our relationship and whether or not he's ready for it, he thinks he wants his freedom, not sure if he's missing out on something, etc etc.

 

At first I didn't handle it well. I did all the things your not supposed to do. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I tried to convince him of everything I was worth, to remind him how good our relationship is, remind him how great the sex is, overall just try and prove how super I am! He wanted to take some time and I have given him the weekend to kind of be on his own and think things out.

 

The things is, I have come to realize it's not me, it's not "us" , its HIM and HIM alone that has the problem. At 35 years old, he has only had 3 relationships worth mentioning, including me. His last relationship was 13 years ago. Things will be going fine with us and all of the sudden he'll feel like we are too close and he'll back off. Talk of the future leaves a bad taste in his mouth but he says he knows what a great girl I am, he says he's never met anyone like me, I'm his best friend, etc.

 

So right now, I am backing off totally. I know thats the only thing I can do. The more I talk, the more I cry, the more terrified and irritated he gets.

 

So the thing is, I anticipate that we will end up staying together....until it comes up again. I value the relationship a lot BUT I want to break the pattern. Obviously I cannot make him change but I think he wants to. I don't think hes happy with the anxiety he feels and the fact that he keeps missing out on things over it.

 

So my question is, what can he do to change this pattern? I think that is going to be my stipulation for continuing to be together. He will have to willingly work on getting over this phobia. Ive read Men who cant love and he's scared she's scared and they are informative but dont really offer ideas on how to change. I will talk to my therapist when I see her next week but thought maybe you guys had some ideas.

 

Just to make it clear, I am not trying to change him for my benefit. He first needs to admit clearly that he agrees that this is a problem, and then he has to want to change it, and then he has to actually take the steps to change it. I know that unless this happens, we will stay on this cycle and never truly be happy. I care for him enough that even if he conquered these issues and we still weren't together, that would be ok. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.

 

And it may turn out that my best bet will be to just let him go. And although the thought of that breaks my heart, I will be ok and Im ready to do that.

 

So - how does one get through their fear of comittment?

 

Thank you!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The thing is you aren't his therapist, and if you try to be his therapist it will skew the relationship in a direction he shouldn't go.

 

He has to want to change ON HIS OWN, and see it as his idea, not your idea. And the truth is he may not be that unhappy with the way he is. Some people just prefer their freedom to a relationship. They are content having a series of different people in their lives, and not committing to any one in particular.

 

Or it could be that he just hasn't met the right person yet. I know you don't want to hear that, but i have seen many people who appear to be commitmentphobic who just haven't met the person who really makes them want to settle down.

 

Please read the book 'He's just not that into you'. It's written from a humorous standpoint, but there is a lot of truth to it. If someone really wants you, they won't let you go, and will do what it takes to make a relationship work.

 

It could be that he likes you very much, but just isn't that into you, and knows it and is trying to break free, and your begging and pleading is guilting him into staying (for now).

 

And honestly, the best way to bring a commitmentphobic around is to do the opposite of what you are doing, which is ignore him and get on with your life. Your independence will give him breathing room, while your clinging and demands for more of him will terrify him.

 

So you have to decide whether you are prepared to live your life with someone who is distant, or goes thru periods where he rejects you. If you're extremely independent, it could work, but if not, then he may not be the right person for you.

[dream83]

I don't think you do work with a commitment phobe. If he's talking about "let's take a break" and not being able to make up his mind I say you let him go. To me he's already indicated that while you're presumably putting your all into things, he might not be that into you. You don't owe him anything at this point.

[lady00]

I don't think you do work with a commitment phobe. If he's talking about "let's take a break" and not being able to make up his mind I say you let him go. To me he's already indicated that while you're presumably putting your all into things, he might not be that into you. You don't owe him anything at this point.

 

I agree with this 100%. But I also don't believe that this is commitment phobia. I think real commitment phobia is very, very rare and most people who appear to be commitment phobic actually can commit and aren't afraid of it, but they have decided that they are afraid to commit to a particular person because they aren't sure they want to be with that person, because they have too many doubts.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

My point was that he has no trouble living with and supporting other people, but he doesn't want to help her out when she is having trouble?

 

I would wonder how serious he is about her after three years, if he'll help out his mates before he'll help her out.

 

Yes, it is good for her to be self supporting, but also to examine whether her relationship with him is all that serious or not, and she may be hoping for more than is actually there...

[Hollyj]

I agree with all the responses.

 

I have recently experienced the same thing with my ex, unfortunately I had to come to the conclusion that he just wasn't that into me. Remember the actions say it all.

[ellestar]

Having gone through the same thing myself, I do believe he is "into you" and yet is very afraid to commit. you have been together for several years, as I was with my ex, so obviously he wants to be with you, but he's trying to decide whether or not it is worth it to give up his freedom for a true commitment. do you live together?

 

the one time my ex decided he needed time and space to decide whether or not he loved me enough was when i got upset with him for wanting to visit a friend spontaneously. at the time i was living in another city and we would not see each other for 2 weeks and i suggested they go out not on our last night together, but when i was actually, physically not present. he said then he wasn't sure if he loved me enough. after 2 weeks he admitted, he missed me and he did love me and i relented, i was so happy with him, i gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

we had 3 fab weeks in thailand, then he asked me to move in with him. 6 months later he began distancing himself from me and one point he said "if we weren't living together I'd ask for a few weeks off to decide whether or not I love you enough". 2 weeks later he said he no longer had any feelings for me and it was then over.

 

 

 

he wants to take a break, he needs time and space, you have no choice but to give it to him, but he needs to know that when he is "ready" that you might no longer be. it's a risk, but he may just decide after a few weeks, he feels happier without you. it's not your fault. it has nothing to do with you. it is all him.

 

for some, this fear of commitment to one person and one person only means sacrificing their freedom to do what they want, as they please. it's not about sleeping around or partying until 5 a.m. every night, it's giving up their independence that scares them to wondering if they love us enough.

 

your bf, he will do it again. until he himself can understand why he is so afraid, there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry. if you stay, you'll always wonder when he will have his next crisis.

[D_Lish]

I don't believe there is such a thing as a *committment phobe*....

 

The reason why people don't committ, is when they are having doubts about a relationship, when they are unsure that the person they are with, is the *one* they want to be with.

 

This is when they will avoid *committment*...

 

I had an ex I was with for years and he wouldn't committ to me. I used to think he was scared of committment. Far from the truth. Within months of us seperating, he met someone else and within months of meeting her, he married her.....so it turned out, that he wasn't afraid of committment after all, he just didn't want to committ to ME!

[SpeedingCars]

Ouch... having a guy you've been with for so long not being "into you" hurts!

[icarus27]

So my question is, what can he do to change this pattern? I think that is going to be my stipulation for continuing to be together. He will have to willingly work on getting over this phobia. Ive read Men who cant love and he's scared she's scared and they are informative but dont really offer ideas on how to change. I will talk to my therapist when I see her next week but thought maybe you guys had some ideas.

 

This sounds like a situation I've faced. Just interested to know, giggle, if you found any ideas or answers to your question above. Like you, I've read those same two books and the one thing they're weak on is any sense of what the partner can do to help the commitmentphobe overcome his / her fears.

[Batya33]

I don't believe there is such a thing as a *committment phobe*....

 

The reason why people don't committ, is when they are having doubts about a relationship, when they are unsure that the person they are with, is the *one* they want to be with.

 

This is when they will avoid *committment*...

 

I had an ex I was with for years and he wouldn't committ to me. I used to think he was scared of committment. Far from the truth. Within months of us seperating, he met someone else and within months of meeting her, he married her.....so it turned out, that he wasn't afraid of committment after all, he just didn't want to committ to ME!

 

Of course, you can't be sure he committed to her for the right reasons - just because someone says "I do" doesn't mean he's doing it for the right reasons - perhaps it was easier for him to say "I do" to someone he barely knew (so he could be in denial and still in the cloud nine stage) than to someone he was truly close with.

[Batya33]

To the OP - I agree with the others that they way you "help" someone who has doubts about committing - for whatever reason - is to give that person double the amount of space he asks for or seems to want. He needs to experience missing you and romantic weekends away with no strings attached where he gets to play house/coupledom will have the opposite effect. Deep down, I don't think you believe you want to help him just for him -- would you be happy spending time "helping" him and once he was "cured" he found someone else? I doubt it - and that's totally normal! Thing is, he knows that too - he knows that if you stick around to "help" him it will be for the two of you to be together, which increases the pressure on him.

 

I don't even know that it much matters whether you label this as commitmentphobe or not (other than the former is easier on the ego I guess). Also, as you explained in a former thread, your last relationship also seemed to be with someone who had a drug problem (I know you said your bf stopped using for awhile now, but it sounds like recently he did have a problem) so while you take your space from this, be open to focusing on your own patterns of being with men who are unavailable in one way or another.

 

good luck.

[icarus27]

Deep down, I don't think you believe you want to help him just for him -- would you be happy spending time "helping" him and once he was "cured" he found someone else? I doubt it - and that's totally normal! Thing is, he knows that too - he knows that if you stick around to "help" him it will be for the two of you to be together, which increases the pressure on him.

 

I agree. It would be an invitation to more pain to have helped him and then watch him enjoy the benefit with someone else. And yet to the partner of the commitmentphobe, it is a chance that may seem worth taking. The risks are very very high though. I don't know if I could do it.