giggle3474 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I hate to put that title on him but I have been researching the term commitment phobe for the past week and he has all the symptoms. In an earlier post, I mentioned that my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has been talking about taking a break. He says hes scared, he needs to reevaluate our relationship and whether or not he's ready for it, he thinks he wants his freedom, not sure if he's missing out on something, etc etc. At first I didn't handle it well. I did all the things your not supposed to do. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I tried to convince him of everything I was worth, to remind him how good our relationship is, remind him how great the sex is, overall just try and prove how super I am! He wanted to take some time and I have given him the weekend to kind of be on his own and think things out. The things is, I have come to realize it's not me, it's not "us" , its HIM and HIM alone that has the problem. At 35 years old, he has only had 3 relationships worth mentioning, including me. His last relationship was 13 years ago. Things will be going fine with us and all of the sudden he'll feel like we are too close and he'll back off. Talk of the future leaves a bad taste in his mouth but he says he knows what a great girl I am, he says he's never met anyone like me, I'm his best friend, etc. So right now, I am backing off totally. I know thats the only thing I can do. The more I talk, the more I cry, the more terrified and irritated he gets. So the thing is, I anticipate that we will end up staying together....until it comes up again. I value the relationship a lot BUT I want to break the pattern. Obviously I cannot make him change but I think he wants to. I don't think hes happy with the anxiety he feels and the fact that he keeps missing out on things over it. So my question is, what can he do to change this pattern? I think that is going to be my stipulation for continuing to be together. He will have to willingly work on getting over this phobia. Ive read Men who cant love and he's scared she's scared and they are informative but dont really offer ideas on how to change. I will talk to my therapist when I see her next week but thought maybe you guys had some ideas. Just to make it clear, I am not trying to change him for my benefit. He first needs to admit clearly that he agrees that this is a problem, and then he has to want to change it, and then he has to actually take the steps to change it. I know that unless this happens, we will stay on this cycle and never truly be happy. I care for him enough that even if he conquered these issues and we still weren't together, that would be ok. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. And it may turn out that my best bet will be to just let him go. And although the thought of that breaks my heart, I will be ok and Im ready to do that. So - how does one get through their fear of comittment? Thank you! Link to comment
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