KaylaJoy Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 36 days of NC, and I broke it. Not on purpose. His mom had given me some skirts and I needed to ask her a question about them, and also to invite her to a cookout I'm having tonight with his brother and his brother's family. (His brother and sister-in-law are very close friends of mine.) So I call his mom and she's not there and he answers the phone. First time I've broken NC in 36 days. I didn't want to talk to him, and I was cordial but ended the conversation as soon as possible. I got his mom's cell phone number and thanked him and hung up, and didn't tell him what I wanted. (He lives with his mom and dad.) Now I'm wondering was I rude to not invite him to my cookout as well, since he lives with his mom and dad? Should I invite him? I'm assuming my intent is made known now that I am staying away from him when he finds out I invited his mom and dad and not him. I don't want to be rude, and I'm not angry with him. I just need NC for me. I hate that I even had to talk to him, because it brings it all back, even though it was only for a moment. And knowing him like I know him, he is probably scratching his head because I didn't invite him over, didn't beg to see his pictures from D.C., didn't ask him to take me fishing again (we talked about fishing a little bit)...all these things even 3 months ago I would have done, but not now. It's always me begging him, or asking him, and him putting me off to the last moment til he sees if something better comes along. I don't want to be last on anyone's list, and that's where I reside on his list - at the bottom. So should I invite him, or should I let it go? I don't really want him to come, but I don't want his family to think I was rude for not inviting him either. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 No! You have no obligation to him, if your still close to his family thats fine. Im sure if they are close to you they will understand why you chose not to invite him. Resume No contact! Be strong Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 i would not invite him. it sounds like you've extended more than enough invites to him, and gotten no good response. i would back off and resume no contact. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 No....I would NOT invite him. You state in your post that it was disturbing enough that you had to talk to him. How in the WORLD are you going to enjoy a cook out with him? Don't worry so much about what others think. You are broken up for a reason, and certainly his family must understand that. definitely DO NOT invite him, and DO NOT feel guilty about it! My best to you... ~Allie Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I agree, you are under no obligation to invite him. I think seeing him there would just make it harder on you. Link to comment
Zeter Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You invite most of his family to your cookout? I think the obligation whether or not to invite him is a side issue. The real topic of discussion is your indirect and vicarious ongoing contact with him via his family. That's gotta gnaw at your psyche. And his. I see long term trouble, unless you want to move this topic to Getting Back Together. Zeter Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You invite most of his family to your cookout? I think the obligation whether or not to invite him is a side issue. The real topic of discussion is your indirect and vicarious ongoing contact with him via his family. That's gotta gnaw at your psyche. And his. I see long term trouble, unless you want to move this topic to Getting Back Together. Zeter yes, i agree with this too. you are continuing to have contact with him through his family. surely there are other people you can get skirts from? Link to comment
DN Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Although I understand why you don't want to see him, I think you are putting his family in a very awkward position by inviting them to social occasions but not him. It means they have to go along with excluding him and that is not usually something that close family are comfortable doing. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Although I understand why you don't want to see him, I think you are putting his family in a very awkward position by inviting them to social occasions but not him. It means they have to go along with excluding him and that is not usually something that close family are comfortable doing. yes, i agree with this too. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Zeter and DN bring up some very good points. Link to comment
arwen Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I know it's difficult not cut all ties (including his family) but I think you are not making things easier on yourself if you keep on seeing his family. I am not saying that you shouldn't ever be in touch with his brother, but maybe it would be a good idea to not see them for a couple of months, just to avoid this kind of thing. Link to comment
KaylaJoy Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 I could see how all of these things would be sound advice but for one exception. His family, with the exception of his brother, knew NOTHING about our relationship. We chose to keep it quiet from all but a very few close friends, and since he is close to his brother, and I am very close to his brother as well (we all grew up together), his brother is the only one who knows, and there is no awkwardness with him. His mom and dad, sis-in-law and niece and nephew have no idea. Since I was so close to his family prior to our relationship, we chose not to have them "in the mix" about us...at least not until much down the road, only we didn't make it that far down the road. We were only involved for 4 months, and since I only saw him once or twice a week, discretion was not hard. In the end, he said he just didn't love me like I loved him, and that was that. I'm glad you all feel like I am not obligated to invite him. I wrestled with it simply because I don't want to be rude; I'm no longer angry at him, I just hurt a lot. I really really loved him, and I really wanted it to work out, and it's been very hard to "just get over it". That's why I was doing NC - I felt like that was the only way I would completely get over him, because I still love him, and we have maintained a friendship, even a "comfy, cozy" one, since our breakup. I just can't settle for a once a month comfy cozy dinner date and movie anymore. So the only way out I can see is just to stay completely away, because every time I'm with him or around him, I just fall right back in the same spot of wanting him, missing him, loving him, and it tears me apart all over again. So his mom and dad and family are not an issue - they know nothing of our relationship, first of all, and second of all - I grew up with his family, his sister was my best friend growing up, and I was in all 3 of his sibling's weddings - they are very much family to me. Hope this explains a little better. Link to comment
KaylaJoy Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 yes, i agree with this too. you are continuing to have contact with him through his family. surely there are other people you can get skirts from? In answer to this - and I wasn't sure how to take this??....I'm around his family quite regularly, and have still managed to have NC for the past 36 days, so NO, I am not using his family to have contact with him. (See above post for explanation on me and his fam) And I wasn't TRYING to get skirts from his mom as a ruse to get to him! His mom brought me a couple of skirts to church the other day, and I can't wear them and wanted to know if she wanted them back or can I pass them on. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 ok, so that is sort of different. i didn't realize that these people are your lifelong friends. won't they think that is rather odd that you're not inviting him too? Link to comment
Zeter Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 So his mom and dad and family are not an issue - they know nothing of our relationship....That's not the point. YOU know and HE knows. It's not what his parents think. You can rationalize it, but it's still not right. It's unhealthy for you and hurtful to him. Zeter Link to comment
DN Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 ok, so that is sort of different. i didn't realize that these people are your lifelong friends. won't they think that is rather odd that you're not inviting him too?That is what I was thinking - surely they will clue in that something is, or was, going on? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Well, this changes everything. I have no idea how you are going to get around not inviting him now. Keeping your relationship a secret when you have been friends with the family all these years? There is an old saying: Secrets make us sick. Why was it necessary to keep your relationship such a secret in the first place? Link to comment
KaylaJoy Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 I was worried that his family would think I was rude for not inviting him, but I talked discretely with his brother, and asked if he thought it was OK that I didn't invite him, since he knows the situation, and he said that it was fine, and that he didn't think Mark would be upset, that he wasn't home anyway this evening, and not to even worry about it. "You can rationalize it, but it's still not right. It's unhealthy for you and hurtful to him. Zeter" Zeter - I'm not sure what this means...it's hurtful to him....what's hurtful to him?? That I'm still close to his family?? He has no idea that I'm even doing NC...he rarely initiates calls to me, usually it's been me calling him and asking him to come over or go hang out - I doubt that he cares that I'm friends with his family - that would be giving him way too much credit that he might actually give a crap about all this. He doesn't. He gives no indication that he cares one way or another, and his life has rolled merrily along while I've been the one in therapy, trying to get over him. The whole point was that I didn't want to be rude. I don't care if he's rude a thousand times to me (which he has been rude quite often to me), it doesn't make me feel good to be ugly to him, and I was indecisive. I think I did the right thing by not inviting him, really. I think when it all happened this morning, I was giving him entirely too much credit for even caring. I don't think he does, so I don't think I am hurtful to him in any way, because I don't think he gives a crap what I do. He's never around when I'm with his family, he's always out running around, and I'm very discretely careful about making sure he's not around when I do hang out with them. They don't know anything is even up. (except for the bro, of course.) "Why was it necessary to keep your relationship such a secret in the first place?" In answer to this Allie, it was all very new and different (we had been good friends for a decade before becoming physically involved), and we were very unsure how his family would take it (I am 11 years older) so we chose not to tell them. A few members of my family knew, and then we each told our closest friends, but that was it. I think had it progressed into something more serious we would have went public with it. As it was, it ended up being just a physical thing to him, while I had fallen head over heels in love. It wasn't a pretty ending. The fact that we have even managed to hang out since then is something akin to a miracle, I think. Link to comment
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