kermel Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Hi, I would appreciate some feedback about my current situation. Not that I hoping that someone can give a magical solution for my problems, but at least I think it's going to make me some good to write about what I've thinking for a while. I'll try to not drag to much because I know it's going to be a long post. First, some background. I met my current girlfriend six years ago at College. We started as a friends and pretty soon, maybe just a month after, we became a couple. As we were living both of us far from our homes we had the liberty to share a flat without our parents thinking we were going too fast. Neither us thought we were going too fast although we started living together like six months after meeting for the first time. It all seemed so natural and so right that we didn't stop to considerate the implications at all. We were happy this way, for two years, until I finished studying but she had to continue at the university some years more. So our relationship became a LDR and it has been so for the last 4 years. We live so far apart that we can meet each other 4-5 times a year and just for a week (sometimes just a weekend). If you have been in a LDR like that you can have a little idea of how insanely hard it has been although talking every day and seeing each other trough the webcam and this kind of things. I sincerely hope you don't have the least idea about what I'm talking about, because it would mean you are lucky enough to have never experienced that. Well, you are probably asking yourself why we didn't try to live together and end the nightmare of a LDR. The truth is a combination of bad luck, fear and being too young to have the independence that a good job can give you. The fact is she didn't want to talk about that and I feel like I was pushing her every time I tried to clarify our situation. She was all like "We are having such a great time, why we have to waste the scarce opportunities we have to be together to talk about such painful things?" and although I knew this was no good at all, I tolerated it. I know it was wrong, but I loved her too much to make her feel sad in what was supposed to be a happy meeting. So we have waited and waited and waited and every time we parted I felt something was breaking inside. Wait without having any expectative of future, any real hope that is what I've been doing for the last four years and it's really becoming unbearable. So we meet the past week and I felt it was the time to have a good talk, a real talk for once. I told her how I feel once again asking her what I was supposed to do. How I was supposed to cope with her negative to even talk about our future. She retorted,as always, that she didn't know what she was going to do we her own future and that she was scared, she still felt like a child although being almost thirty. I told her that maybe it was the right moment to say goodbye. That she maybe need space (although you have plenty of space for your personal growth in a LDR, or so I think) to decide without any interference. Or I was just fooling myself thinking that she needed an ultimatum to react, who knows. But although she reacted it was not the reaction I could wait for. She said that I was right and we should break up so that I can be happy with someone else, that she was an stupid and a coward and I was too good for her, that she knew I wanted a marriage and kids and she could never give me any of that... I was, I'm still, devastated. She doesn't have any confidence in us, despite all the time we have been together. Despite all the love we have for each other (neither of us has never felt jalousie or any temptation to cheat and this in a LDR is not that common). I asked her if my well-being was her only reason to desire to break up. She felt insulted for the question and said that if it was for her own selfish reasons, she would be with me forever because she loved me, but love in our case was not enough. It broke my heart, hearing her talking about herself in that depressed way, when for me she is the most wonderful human being of the whole world.I said that I loved her enough to wait and fight, even if she didn't want to marry or have kids, because when you really love someone you have to accept who they are and I know I could be more happy with her despite our differences and the pain of this relationship that with any unknown woman that happened to want to marry me, have a lots of kids and lived just in front of my home. All I needed was her promise that she wanted to fight for us in order to be together someday and she couldn't even give me that. But we didn't break up. Holding her while we were both crying, it was impossible for me to leave her and maybe she hadn't enough courage to leave me (this part obviously I can't possibly know for sure, but that is what the feeling I got when she said that "although we don't break up now, I know we are going to do so in the future"). So here I am. And I know some of the advises I'm going to get just because the rational part of me is probably saying the same things: - She is confused with what she wants of life and isn't ready to commit. Maybe just to this relationship, maybe to any relationship at all. - Different perspectives about marriage and family can make us both of us unhappy if we manage to live together in the end. - This relationship is unhealthy for both of us because of being an LDR without any expectations of future. - Although I think my love can help her to overcome her own frustrations and be a happier person, maybe I'm creating a dependence that is only going to hurt her even more when we (if we) end up breaking up. And all of this is true and good, and if this was some kind of bussines, or an exam or something not related to human feelings I would probably take my own advice, but I'm talking about love. What if this is all a transitory problem? What if all we need is to wait a little bit more?. What if it's enough with only my hope and confidence in our relationship to achieve our happy end?. What if she needs me to help her achieve some confidence in herself and I'm letting her down with my doubts? I'm very confused about what to do. If I knew what would make her happy I would do it although it meant never being with her again, but I don't know anymore what should I do. If when we were together we didn't feel so happy and in love all of this would be a lot easier to decide. If someone has managed to read it all, thank you for your patience and kindness. Link to comment
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