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Having a slight mental breakdown...


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Sorry if this is confusing but I feel like I'm going crazy and need to get this out somewhere...


I feel like there are two people in my head, there's the confident me who I want everybody to see and then there's the paranoid, depressed me who sits in the back of my mind and waits for things to be going well then throws tons of doubts at me and messes everything up.


I just found out that one of my best friends, who I recently realized I had feelings for and asked out (and she said no) is thinking about moving to South Carolina. When she said that I felt like a boulder was dropped onto my stomach, I didn't know that I cared about her that much for it to hit me that hard that she might be leaving.


On top of that, the "confident me" just made an ass out of himself with my friends trying to act cool and impress them. I've always been a "hopeless romantic" type and I kept to myself for the most part and was shy around new people. My goal for the next year was to change that, get out and meet new people, go to parties, etc. But I'm starting to think that I really can't handle that.


I spent a month of this past semester barely ever leaving my dorm room, I didn't go to classes or anything and I wasted the entire semester because of it. Every time I try to do something to get to be a more confident and outgoing person something throws me back into the pit of my room and my head spins with what feels like a million thoughts at once. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night because I can't stop them from jabbing away at me pointing out every little flaw and potential worry.


So here I am, talking to her online, telling her everything that is wrong except the one thing that is hitting me the most, which is that she may be gone soon. I would miss her so much, she actually understands what I'm going through, everybody else I talk to about it I feel like I'm a burden to them but she knows what I mean. I don't want to tell her how I feel about her going because I don't want her to feel like she's making things worse for me. She is an amazing person and doesn't need me creating any stress about leaving. Why do I fall for every girl I have even the slightest feelings for?


sorry for the rambling...


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maybe u could start thinking that she's being nice to u because she pities u. and i think a lot of guys mistake compassion as love, but girls just tend to be nice to guys they think are pitiful. this doesn't mean that the girl likes u in that romantic way.


anyway, it must be tough being a guy. i hear guys don't really open up to each other like girls do. and maybe that's why some guys open up to girls. but i think as a guy, u should try to find a good guy friend. or maybe even an upper classman who can give u good advice. choose your advisors carefully.


don't lean on this girl so much. i'm sure u think the world of her for listening to all the stuff u poured out to her about yourself. but think of it this way, maybe she's put up with u cuz she didn't want to hurt u any more than what u were already going through. and u can't ask her directly about whether she's tired of listening to u. she'll never tell u straightforwardly that she's tired even though she may be. it's courtesy. she's not extra nice or anything.


look, in the end, i don't believe that girls and guys can be deep friends like best friends. it's just not possible. usually the guy falls for the girl. and usually, the girl wasn't attracted to the guy romantically. she was just plain being nice. but i think partly, she was at fault because of her naivety. she's one of those girls who thinks that girls and guys can be deep friends. in the end, it's not right. the only guy and girl best friendship can occur is within a marriage. otherwise, what the heck are u doing? if either of u gets married, do u really think that the spouses will tolerate u being best friends with your opposite sex friend?

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Not the best at advice in the love department...


But, I know what you mean with the whole "trying to be outgoing" and I completely get the "over-analyzing of every thing that you might have done wrong that day" thing. I do the same thing to, or I used to until it was pointed out to me... I would sit there having a conversation, and three hours later I would think, "Hey maybe I should've said that instead...oh shoot, he probably thinks I'm an idiot...she probably won't want to ever have dinner with me again." Along those lines... I talked with a older friend of mine, and most people probably don't hit instant replay in their heads thinking that they might have said something inappropriate. Luckily, I kind of trained myself to not worry about what I said, or how I acted, and its been a major improvement.


Try it yourself, maybe it'll help some.. Or maybe I'm just off topic...

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