Sometimes it's best to stay silent... I think...

[Catflower]

I'm not sure I'm looking for advice or input as much as needing a space to vent.

 

I am in a LDR with a man I truly love. He has huge trust issues, not ideal for a LDR perhaps, but it is what it is. And as I am a very loyal, monogamous person, I haven't really had any worries about doing anything that would trigger his jealous, suspicious side.

 

However, I started a new job a few weeks ago, and since Day 1, there has been a guy at work who's been hitting on me. At first, (stupid me) I thought it was just friendly banter. But over the course of a few weeks, he has repeatedly asked me to "do things" with him, and the "things" have escalated from the non-chalant ("hey, my band is playing tonight and a lot of folks from work will be there. you should come") to the more obvious ("so, it'd be great to take out dogs for a run together some day") to the completely blatant ("can I buy you a beer after work" -- he emailed me this request today).

 

I've turned him down repeatedly. But he's continued to ask. I haven't said "hey, I have a boyfriend," because I dunno... I guess I haven't wanted to read too much into things. At first, particularly with the invitation to see his band play, I thought he was just being nice. But, obviously, him asking me out for a drink after work makes it pretty clear what he's after.

 

Anyway, I haven't told my BF about any of this. Well I did mention the band thing, and he said "you should go hang out with the folks you work with!" But gah, I don't want to put myself in any sort of compromising situation. And as far as telling my BF about the continued attention from the guy at wokr, well, I haven't really seen the point in doing so. On one hand, I guess it's nice to know that your mate is attractive... that other people want her. But at the same time, when you're 2000 miles away, the fact that other people want her isn't very consoling.

 

But I hate not telling him. I tell him everything about my day, so I feel that in a way I'm lying to him by not mentioning this.

 

But I don't want him to get jealous. And as I have worked so very hard to get him to trust me, to get him to believe that I won't be another woman who cheats and breaks his heart, it seems best to just keep my mouth shut.

 

Nothing good will come of telling him.

 

But I feel as though nothing good will come of keeping secrets either. :sad:

[nuttybuddy]

well, i think u can keep this silent. u obviously don't have any feelings for this co-worker guy. so why even bother worrying the guy that u love?

 

besides, so what if the co-worker asked u out to have a beer after work? u could simply consider that as a friendly invite as well. that guy will eventually get the hint if u reject him long enough. otherwise, he'll come out even more explicitly and ask u if u have a boyfriend, or if u would like to go on a date or something.

 

right now, just consider that you are reading into things. i as a woman, would probably agree with you that our sixth sense tells us to know when we are being hit upon. but lets just keep things cool since nothing has come out in the open yet.

 

besides, even if that co-worker does ask u out, u can simply reject him that u are attached and he probably will lose interest. no worries. and no jealousy needed from your boyfriend. it will long be over if your boyfriend ever needs to know.

 

besides, you're thinking that you want to tell your boyfriend because you tell him anything and everything including little hunches and guesses. but don't do that. your boyfriend (if i'm guessing right) is not doing the same with u. he doesn't trust u fully enough yet to be comfortable to tell u every little hunches and guesses that run into his mind. and he may even look at a girl who's beautiful where he is, and think wow, but he doesn't go and tell u about it. some things are just better unsaid. that is a lesson i think many women need to learn. including myself. i know how u feel because that's exactly how i was with my ex bf.

[littlestar]

I think it's time you tell this this other guy loud and clear that you have a man in your life!

[greywolf]

I think next time that guy asks you out you need to tell him, "Well, I have to see what my boyfriend thinks about that first."

That way you've told him you have a boyfriend, but you haven't told him outright. Because the next thing they usually say is, "I just meant it in a friendly way." (yeah right)

 

As for telling your boyfriend, maybe you can tell him when your co-worker finally gets the hint and stops pestering you. I'm in an LDR as well, and I don't like it when guys hit on my gf. She tells me about it and I know she wouldn't ever cheat on me but I still don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. The only way I can be ok with it is if I know she told them she has an SO. So maybe if you tell your bf what happened and that you explained to the guy that you have a bf, your bf might be more comfortable that way.

[Nearwater]

Whoa, This is like what happened to me except she (you) started doubting our connection and started going out with the guy.

 

IF you love your ldr Bf, tell this guy that he is making you uncomfortable, you are in a committed RL and to please not ask you out ever again.

 

If your BF is having trust issues, don't tell him find ways to relive them and make him feel secure, loved and wanted until you are back together again. My ex and i dealt with her work travel fine for three years until this exact kind of crap started. I used to sleep like a baby NOT worrying about her because I trusted her so much. Now it's all gone to h*LL and i feel like a vampire and have not slept or eaten right in 2 months. I will NEVER have a LDR again.

[Parsley]

If you don't want to outright tell this guy about your boyfriend, is it possible to do so in a more subtle way? e.g. photo of the two of you on your desk or next time you're having a conversation bring up some anecdote about that hilarious time your boyfriend etc etc.

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to be so upfront. Some guys don't take the news that you don't want to go out with them for whatever reason well at all, and it's necessary to not turn them down as such. Good luck!