I broke NC.... BUT....

[Mustang]

...I am fine with it. Allow me to explain:

 

As most of you are aware, my ex and I don't see each other and we are nothing more than "text friends". Which isn't what I want. Yes, I regret our break up and I do miss her but I am no longer trying to win her back. I accept the situation for what it is and every day that passes is a lot easier.

 

Anyway, seeing as we never see each other, I thought I'd give her a "test". My ex has had plenty of chances to tell me that she doesn't want to talk to me and she's always kept me hanging around in her life. I have no idea why anymore. I'm going to Glastonbury next weekend. So is she. So I sent her this text:

 

"Hey hey! Seeing as we're both in the same Somerset fields next week, how's about a quick catch up? x"

 

I really do hate the awkwardness that exists now. I just think it'd be cool to meet up for a bit, have a drink and clear the air. Texting is only 20% of a conversation. Without body language, eye contact, tone of voice, etc it's very easy for things to become distorted. I really do value my ex as a person and I really hope to become friends with her. I love her and I miss her but at the same time, I find myself looking at other girls now and I do feel ready to start dating again.

 

No reply as of yet but I'm really not THAT bothered either way. To be honest, when I sent it, I actually got a bit nervous about what I would do if she said yes. So with that in mind, her ignoring me or telling me no is what I expect to happen.

 

But the reason I did it was firstly to get it out of my system now. If I did it next weekend then it might ruin my weekend. At least this way, I have a week to put it behind me and go to the festival and have a great time - which I will do regardless.

 

Secondly, it also gives me an answer without me having to ask the question. My ex said when she broke up with me that she didn't want to lose me completely. She said she still thinks of me. Whenever I've said that maybe a friendship wasn't going to work she would text me something unrelated as if to say "I still want you there".

 

If she can't even be bothered to meet me for a quick drink when we're both in the same place for five days then I will know that all I will ever be to her is a person that lives in her phone. Do I want to be that person? No. It will give me the closure I need to move on. And that's without her at all.

 

I really do hope to be friends with her one day but she seems to be scared of something. She says that she wants to be friends but she doesn't act like it. I have no idea why. Yes, I made all the mistakes that dumpees make. But I'd like to try and put all that behind us. It's not possible to do without seeing her in person.

 

I honestly don't care if she's with someone else. I expect her to be. I've have long enough to deal with everything. But I hope she has the decency to tell me she doesn't want to meet up. She won't. I know her. She'll just ignore it. If that's the case, I can see that she doesn't value my friendship and she is not worthy of it. I know people have said that she isn't worthy of it anyway but I needed "proof". What sort of "friend" would blatantly ignore an offer of a quick meet up?

 

Do I want to be a person that has a text friend? I'm not a child. I'm a grown up. I hope to build bridges with my ex and move on. I want to put everything in the past. I know I am capable of doing so. She seems to not want to and instead of facing up to things just runs away and hopes the problem will sort itself out. Which I guess it will do. I'll walk away and never bother her again. And she'll be able to say "Well, I wasn't horrible was I?" Cowardly or what?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I think the only outcome you will get out of this is closure, which is what you wanted.

 

Have fun in the mud hunny! x

[lonely83]

Mustang;

 

I commented earlier on a post you'd put in another thread in this section. I completely relate to your position and admire your posts. I'm not going to repeat what I said there. But I envy the position you are in and look at you as a model of inspiration and motivation.

 

lonely83

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you're trying to convince yourself of a reason to break the "NC." I'm sure you're still hurting, and want her back, but you can't heal, and she can't miss what she had if you're still there, in her eyes.

 

As far as being friends you need more time, and so does she, if it ever were to happen.

 

I wish you the best...Take care

[GoldenHillGuy]

I'm gonna agree with HGO above. And I'll be even more brutally honest with you:

 

STOP MAKING EXCUSES TO BREAK NC!!!!!!

 

 

Sorry if its blunt, but you really need to step away brother!

[Mustang]

I'm gonna agree with HGO above. And I'll be even more brutally honest with you:

 

STOP MAKING EXCUSES TO BREAK NC!!!!!!

 

Sorry if its blunt, but you really need to step away brother!

 

It wasn't really an excuse break NC as such.

 

I'm just a bit sick of being in limbo and having a "friendship" that only exists in text form. It's just not working. I'm not saying that I have to get back with her. I'm not trying any tactics. I just want to build bridges and have some sort of resolution. She was my best friend as well as girlfriend.

 

But she's not replied and she won't. Yet she's perfectly happy to do small talk. I can't be bothered with that anymore. Friendship is a two way thing. She really doesn't deserve me. She dumped me when she got to uni. Granted, our relationship had become a routine and I was paranoid but I've learnt lessons and blamed myself for far too long. I've had to get over it with no closure or answers from her. I've learnt and dealt with a lot. I want to put it all behind me. I wanted to see her in person and just show her that I'm not this crazy ex (although I know this message makes me sound like one!) that is going to beg and cry for her to come back.

 

I know that she doesn't want to give me false hope or whatever, but does she really have to be so rude about it? SHE was the one that wanted to be friends. I didn't realise that being friends = avoiding them and only chatting about pointless things every now and then.

 

It is a shame because I really hoped we could be friends but if she can't be bothered to meet me (or even respond) after nearly eight months of us splitting then that tells me how much she values me as a friend that she wanted to be.

 

I wish I could be angry with her. I really do. But I often get moments where I am really mad and think " * * * * her" but then I miss her and get upset that she doesn't even care how much she's hurting me.

[GoldenHillGuy]

It is a shame because I really hoped we could be friends but if she can't be bothered to meet me (or even respond) after nearly eight months of us splitting then that tells me how much she values me as a friend that she wanted to be.

 

I wish I could be angry with her. I really do. But I often get moments where I am really mad and think " * * * * her" but then I miss her and get upset that she doesn't even care how much she's hurting me.

 

Re-read this.........YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE FRIENDS YET!!! She knows this. All exes know when the other is ready to be friends again. By stopping all contact with her, and getting YOURSELF back to a happy place, you're SHOWING her that you're not the crazy ex. Lip service is just that. ACTIONS speak louder than words. I say all this from experience and my concern for your well-being. Take it however you want.

[Artop]

Mustang, action speaks louder than words.

You don't want to admit it, but I think you have an underlying motive wanting to see her. I have been there. She is afraid to see you because she doesn't want to give you false hope.

See this as a closure. You need to move on. When it was happening to me, I didn't want to listen to others. Now, I can see. Everyone was right and I could have saved myself plenty of heartaches. We all get to a point that we don't want to be played around by our ex's any more. Some will take longer than others.

[GoldenHillGuy]

All that being said, this is the first time I've really handled a breakup well. I pretty much disappeared for awhile, and worked on myself ALOT. Point is, I didn't have to say anything to my ex about all the work I've been doing on myself. SHE NOTICED, and complemented me more than a few times. But these things take time man. Just because I've made changes over the last 2 months doesn't mean that I stop making changes. My ex told me how impressed she was, but that I'd also made alot of empty promises to her in the past, and she wanted to make sure the changes I've been making are for ME and not her. By keeping NC or even LC, the next time they see you, they will notice the changes, and be more confident the changes you're making aren't for THEM, but you. Anyways, good luck!

[Mustang]

Re-read this.........YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE FRIENDS YET!!! She knows this. All exes know when the other is ready to be friends again. By stopping all contact with her, and getting YOURSELF back to a happy place, you're SHOWING her that you're not the crazy ex. Lip service is just that. ACTIONS speak louder than words. I say all this from experience and my concern for your well-being. Take it however you want.

 

I'm done. I've got no reason to be friends with her anymore. She's cowardly and selfish. I'm not prepared to be a friend that only exists as text on a screen. And that's all I'll ever be.

 

Maybe I'm not ready to be friends with her yet, but she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to be friends ever by her ACTIONS.

 

As I said, this was her test.... and now I know. NC or not, this would've gone on forever.

[Artop]

If you allow it, yes, it would have gone FOREVER. You are putting in 1000 X more effort into this than she is, so she has nothing to lose.

[Mustang]

If you allow it, yes, it would have gone FOREVER. You are putting in 1000 X more effort into this than she is, so she has nothing to lose.

 

I agree. You're right. It is just so hard.

[BrokenDuc]

sorry but i agree with the others that say you are just finding an excuse to break NC

 

since you are so in to texting and you say you want closure and am over her and dont want to be with her

 

i challenge you to text her good bye and tell her you are moving on in your life and make sure you stick to it!

[Mustang]

sorry but i agree with the others that say you are just finding an excuse to break NC

 

since you are so in to texting and you say you want closure and am over her and dont want to be with her

 

i challenge you to text her good bye and tell her you are moving on in your life and make sure you stick to it!

 

It wasn't an excuse to break NC as such. We don't see each other and seeing as we'll both be in the same place I thought I'd suggest making the most of the opportunity. After this, I won't have another opportunity until I dunno, another festival in August. When we bumped into each other randomly a few months back it wasn't awkward at all. We got on really well, she even bought me a drink. She's also noticed and commented on the changes I've made and the things I've achieved recently. So I know that if we were to meet we'd get on.

 

I just don't get why she's kept me around in the way she has. Why not just put me straight and be done with it? She makes out she wants to be friends but doesn't act like one. My only view is that she doesn't want to come accross as a bad person. By not saying anything she's not saying anything horrible. Selfish or what?

 

I'm not going to text her and tell her goodbye. I'll just leave it alone. I've asked her if she wanted to catch up and she ignored it. If I respond and let her know that her lack of reply has upset me then she'll get another ego boost... better just to do it and maybe one day she'll realise.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Now that you have asked her, maybe its time to delete her number hunny?

 

If she is a true friend she will answer, if not......

[lonely83]

Mustang,

 

I understand your reasoning to contact her and I would have done the same but then as I've mentioned I feel like I am in a very similar position to you already.

 

I have completely the same confusion about 'why shes keeping me around'. As I've said in another post the things my ex says and does are not what I consider normal for a friendship, like you ours is based on phone/text/MSN but that is due to difference in locations for the summer. I don't know about you but I personally find it very difficult not to over analyse what her intentions etc are.

 

I think you are doing the right thing not texting her, make her miss you and chase you, although I know you don't want her back but there's no reason it can't work for friendship too. I'm not going to contact my ex until tuesday and that's only to wish her well for an interview she is having.

 

lonely83

[Mustang]

Now that you have asked her, maybe its time to delete her number hunny?

 

If she is a true friend she will answer, if not......

 

Oh I deleted it ages ago! But y'know those numbers that just roll off the tongue? Guess who has one?

 

She won't respond. Because there is no excuse she can give that won't make her sound like she's avoiding me. Rather than just be honest with me and say "I don't feel comfortable" or "It's not a good idea" she'll just ignore me.

[Mustang]

I think you are doing the right thing not texting her, make her miss you and chase you, although I know you don't want her back but there's no reason it can't work for friendship too. I'm not going to contact my ex until tuesday and that's only to wish her well for an interview she is having.

 

lonely83

 

I'm getting to the stage now where I don't even think I want her as a friend to be honest. She's selfish and cowardly and hasn't really treated me with any respect. I've let her do it because I care about her but there comes a point where people just aren't worth it.

 

As I've said before, I am fully aware of the mistakes I made during the break and I have learnt a lot about myself since the split. I was willing to work things out and I have believed for a while that we could. As far as I'm aware, she dumped me after two years when she got to uni and told me in an email "you know what uni's like..." and I still hung around being nice to her.

 

What is annoying is that I now look like an idiot and she looks like an innocent girl with a crazy obsessed ex.

[Artop]

I think they keep us around for several reasons. Being selfish, feeling guilty, not realizing what they are doing to us. Whatever the reason is, we eventually need to take control of the only thing we can, US.

 

If you truly want her just as a friend, you wouldn't be sitting around all day analyzing what she is saying or not saying. You would be going out and find another friend to hang out with.

[Mustang]

18 hours later.... no reply. She's made her point perfectly clear.

 

At least I now know that she doesn't respect me or care about me enough to be honest. Instead, she'll just ignore me and run away and let me try and work out what I did wrong. Again. I can understand that she might feel uncomfortable about it but why not just say it? It's horrible to just ignore me.

 

Jeeeeez, it's not like I asked her to marry me or anything. A quick drink isn't going to end the world.

[Ellie2006]

It's been less than a day since you sent the text. [And yes, I know that it doesnt take too much time to respond but who knows what she's in the middle of?]

 

So let me ask you this: all that you're feeling right now -- do you think that will all dissipate if she responds tomorrow? What about a day before Glastonbury? What if she gives you a "passable" excuse for not getting back to you earlier?

 

Bottom line: I think you have to draw the line for yourself.

 

Just a thought.

[Mustang]

It's been less than a day since you sent the text. [And yes, I know that it doesnt take too much time to respond but who knows what she's in the middle of?]

 

So let me ask you this: all that you're feeling right now -- do you think that will all dissipate if she responds tomorrow? What about a day before Glastonbury? What if she gives you a "passable" excuse for not getting back to you earlier?

 

Bottom line: I think you have to draw the line for yourself.

 

Just a thought.

 

Good points. The thing is, I know she won't respond. She will just ignore it because she doesn't want to mean to me. As I said, we're both going to be in the same place for five days - what possible excuse can she give for saying no? By not saying anything at all then technically she's not doing anything wrong and she won't look like a horrible person and any reaction from me will just make me look like the bad guy.

 

Yes, I can understand that she might feel awkward and uncomfortable about meeting up but if she had any respect for me then she'd tell me. Clearly she has none.

 

I suppose it just proves the idea that an ex only says they want to be friends to make themselves feel less guilty and also to keep you there so they don't feel like they've lost you completely - once they move on and have no further use for you, they chuck you to one side without any remorse.

 

She claims she wants to be friends but she doesn't back her words up. I've done all I can to try and build bridges and put everything behind us. We were once best friends and it's a shame to have nothing now. But it's a two way thing and she's made her point perfectly clear.

[Ellie2006]

 

Yes, I can understand that she might feel awkward and uncomfortable about meeting up but if she had any respect for me then she'd tell me. Clearly she has none.

 

I dont know about this: just because she avoids confrontations, that doesnt mean she has no respect for you. In the larger scheme of things, being frank with you would be best, of course, BUT perhaps her age (?) and lack of life experience are keeping her from seeing it this way (although obviously there are very mature first-year uni students).

 

Well, you gave it an honest go and you got your answer. Maybe not a satisfactory answer but an answer still the same.

 

Hang in there, Mustang; as cliched as this may sound, you'll be ok, with time.

[Mustang]

I dont know about this: just because she avoids confrontations, that doesnt mean she has no respect for you. In the larger scheme of things, being frank with you would be best, of course, BUT perhaps her age (?) and lack of life experience are keeping her from seeing it this way (although obviously there are very mature first-year uni students).

 

Well, you gave it an honest go and you got your answer. Maybe not a satisfactory answer but an answer still the same.

 

Hang in there, Mustang; as cliched as this may sound, you'll be ok, with time.

 

I have calmed down now and I'm OK with it all. I feel relieved that I know where I stand and I can move on. Part of the problem before was that I was scared about moving on in case there was still something there. I couldn't ask her outright how she felt so this gave me the perfect opportunity. Put it this way, had I not asked her then the LC would've continued in text form. I'd assume what I was assuming (she must still care if she texts me) and wouldn't move on fully.

 

I do think her age and lack of life experience explain a lot about the way she's handled the break up. I know I've not made it easy for her at times either but part of the reason why I've not handled things very well is because I've had the door slammed in my face and had nothing but confusion ever since. Had she just been more honest with me then it would've saved us both a lot of hassle.

 

I've made mistakes but I've made as much effort as I can to try and move on from "us" and form a friendship with her. Because I do care about her and hoped we could be friends. But she's made it clear that she doesn't even want that and her texts were as I suspected, just polite. I don't want a "friend" that takes but doesn't give.

 

Now I have a definative answer I can move on without regret knowing that I did everything I could and maybe one day she'll look back and realise how hurtful she was. Unlikely though. Selfish and cowardly people tend to always point the finger.

 

I never ever imagined it would come to this but it is her loss.

[Mustang]

i challenge you to text her good bye and tell her you are moving on in your life and make sure you stick to it!

 

"Friendship is a two way thing. You've made your point. I've tried to build bridges but it's clearly a waste of time. Bye bye."

 

Job done.