The thing about "wanting what you can't have"...

[Mustang]

It's a nice statement and everything but surely the dumper made the choice to NOT want us. Why on earth are they going to change their mind when we go along with their decision?

 

Also, surely they want what they CAN have (a rebound/new partner)?

[tushboy]

I think its more on the lines of when you cut contact...you put them in a situation where they have no choice left but to either move on and find a NEW partner....or else in time as the old feelings resurface chase you back as they feel you have moved away.....it's a human instinct....we always want to run behind stuff we can't get. It's human nature and works everytime in most of the situations.

[lostandlonely77]

Nope - I have been the dumper.......... 2.5 years ago I dumped my boyfriend or two years, he continually called / texted and i maontained contat all thw while seeing other people. I was not very nice to him (he was nasty to me hence my ending things) and seen other guys whilst he was hurting so bad and physically sick!!

 

Eventually the calls / texts wore off - I called more - then it hit me - het met someone else - I begged him back - cried and tears and begged as he had 'moved on' and he would not - could have had him back when I wanted in those three months however i did not want him knowing he was laways there - then when I realise dit was too late or he was interested in soeone else I panicked.

 

That hit me hard - still think about him - my current ex helped me get over it

 

I think I am experiencing KARMA to be honest - when i think about it! thats why I refuse to contact this one - he has met someone else howevber he ended it with me and I have yet to ask him back - sure I have cried and called him but never once asked him to reconsider - made a fool of myself once and never agan!

 

I like the person I am just now - took a while!

[DN]

I think it happens like that for some people but for most people once they have made a decision to leave they aren't coming back because the reasons they left still hold true.

[Mustang]

...

I strongly agree with this. As shallow as it sounds, a lot of dumpers chose to leave because they are simply bored - the thrill of the chase is gone...the uncertainty of wondering is gone...and people LIKE this uncertainty (although they will never admit it and may not even realize it themselves). I find this more common that to have someone leave because of personal qualities in you - they were obviously drawn to us in the first place, so they must like or love who we are as a person, so it goes beyond that.

 

This is how things were between me and my ex at the time of the split. Things had become "familiar". We had a LDR for nine months where we only saw each other at weekends and it was great. I have never been happier. At the time, we could've easily been together forever.

 

Where it went sour was when I moved back home last summer - we saw each other every single day. There's not a great deal to do in our hometown so we just kind of "hung out". With us both living with parents over the summer, we had less sex and things just became a bit too settled. Whilst my ex hasn't ever really given me any definate answers as to why she split up with me, it's pretty clear to see why she did given the situation. She's told me "things changed in the summer". And I understand completely now.

 

When she got to uni and had freedom and loads of new guys hitting on her, this gave her excitement again.

 

Add to that the paranoia and fear I had because things were changing and you can see why she bolted. But as I said, we were sooooo close before last summer. She cut her trip to Australia short to come home to see me.

 

I have learnt a lot of lessons and I know that things wouldn't be that way again. And they won't. Either with my ex or without. It is so hard seeing the problem and knowing that it's fixable when the other party has no interest in it!

[asdfg123]

Yea its kind of intresting how people want what they cant have. It is so true though. I guess w relationships though...sometimes u can push or turn off ur ex too much to the point where even if u moved on they would not care. But i guess it all depends on situation etc. The only time I ever had such a CHANGE of heart when it came to someone was when this guy (friend of my friends) was interested in me. He told EVERYONE he liked me (this is during Uni). Anyways different people would tell me he is really interested and so nice etc and I should go for him. The more people that came up to me the more I got annoyed. Until finally I lost it and responded to one guys comment of "u should go for him he is so nice and really likes u blah blah" I answered "I DO NOT LIKE HIM AND I NEVER WILL. I WISH EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT.." I actually thought EWWWWWWW about the guy. Then a funny thing happened. I heard nada for 2 months and the guy who liked me kept his distance...if I walked into a room he would leave a few mins later...basically avoiding me. I dont know what happened but after a while I thought geez this guy must really not like me now...and then I would wonder hmm why didnt he come to class today? Then all of a sudden BAM I realized I like him!! It was like total karma or something....I ended up having a major crush on him for 2 YEARS!!!!!!!!!! It was too late though....he got back w his ex gf before we ever got a chance for anything...but i still had a crush on him for quite a while...bc EVERYONE WANTS WHAT THEY CANT HAVE

[hennypenny3288]

If you've driven off your ex because you were always there, always available, clingy, etc., can you attract them back by moving on, being happy, doing things, going on with your life, and them seeing it?

[Mustang]

If you've driven off your ex because you were always there, always available, clingy, etc., can you attract them back by moving on, being happy, doing things, going on with your life, and them seeing it?

 

Good question. I'd like to know the answer to this too! Well, not an answer as such more a story about this happening.

 

I'm at an "advantage" in that my ex is still willing to talk to me. Although that isn't really a great thing to be getting excited about.

 

These things just take time.

[alphabetsoup13]

A lot of it also depends on specific situations though. If you were abusive i don't think an ex would be too fond of some of those painful memories..

[musashi]

It only makes sense to want what we do not have. You cannot want a boat if you have one. You can appreciate it but not want it because you have it. You can want a better boat but you cannot want your boat. It is impossible to want what you have. You can only want what you do not have. It takes a special person to realize what they have and appreciate it without going through the process of losing it before they realize that they lost something special. Then they start to want it again because they do not have it. Simple logic, actually. That is why NC is the best way to get an ex back because it is the only way to make them "want" you again. If they have you around, they cannot want you, only appreciate you and that has usually been a null factor for them for quite some time.

[Mustang]

I understand all of that but surely once they get back what they want then they will no longer want it.

[Mustang]

...

I agree with Mustang. How deep is a love if someone only wants us when they cannot have us? How long can a love like that possibly last? I don't want to have to play games. I want someone who loves me for me. However, I do agree that overly clingy behavior is never good and will drive any healthy person away.

 

It's all a game of balance I guess. A game that I am no longer playing.

[louhere]

I don’t want what I can’t have, I want what is important to me, what has value to me and what is reasonable attainable – why would you forever try to obtain the unobtainable. I want what I need and what I value to make my life better and happier.

 

To get back someone you have lost you must learn and become more valuable as an individual.

[spiritpresent]

I don’t want what I can’t have, I want what is important to me, what has value to me and what is reasonable attainable – why would you forever try to obtain the unobtainable. I want what I need and what I value to make my life better and happier.

 

To get back someone you have lost you must learn and become more valuable as an individual.

 

Depends on the individual whether clinginess will drive them away I think.

 

For me I can deal with it, and I just let them know boundaries. Tell the women yes I miss you too but I have stuff I have to take care of.

 

I was dating this one woman and i left my phone in my car to charge while in Target, and I was in there 45 minutes. She called me 30 times.

 

I study relationships alot though and understand alot about love, too bad I am human and make mistakes. I just wish I would get the same understanding and sympathy from women when I make a mistake that I give them when they do.

[spiritpresent]

...

How deep is a love if someone only wants us when they cannot have us? How long can a love like that possibly last? I don't want to have to play games. I want someone who loves me for me.

 

The sad part is human nature is that we take for granted what we have, but we become frantic when something we have is in danger of being taken away.

 

I really hate playing the game. I wish it was different, but the more I play it the more I realize you have to play it to win. I try to be honest and explain things to women sometimes. I think alot of people have tunnel vission though and don't see all that goes on.

 

The sad truth is if you are too available, then you are not wanted.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

...

I suppose you are right, Spirit. But it's a fine line, too, I think. I wouldn't want the man I love to not know I love him, but at the same time I look back on my ex and I know I was always there...there was never a doubt in his mind how I felt. He left me for another, but do I think he would have stayed with me just if I had shown less "availability"? I guess the jury is still out on that one. I think not, though. If they REALLY love you, it should be okay for them to know you feel the same, right?

 

 

I agree with you. In a mature, healthy relationship both sides should feel comfortable and at ease knowing their partner is there for them and available. Picture a line on a page..unavailability, mysteriousness and blowing hot and cold is at the extreme left and results in unstable emotions....clinginess, insecurity and desperation is at the extreme right and also results in unstable emotions....in the centre lies availability feeling comfortable, feeling at ease, showing love and receiving love without holding back and this results in a feeling of peace. This is what relationships should be about. Somebody who simply wants what they can't have really just wants the drama...they are emotionally immature.

[Mustang]

I agree with you. In a mature, healthy relationship both sides should feel comfortable and at ease knowing their partner is there for them and available. Picture a line on a page..unavailability, mysteriousness and blowing hot and cold is at the extreme left and results in unstable emotions....clinginess, insecurity and desperation is at the extreme right and also results in unstable emotions....in the centre lies availability feeling comfortable, feeling at ease, showing love and receiving love without holding back and this results in a feeling of peace. This is what relationships should be about. Somebody who simply wants what they can't have really just wants the drama...they are emotionally immature.

 

I agree with this.

 

My ex and I used to tell each other we loved each other all the time. It was an amazing feeling to be so connected to somebody and to have the knowledge that you each felt the same about each other.

 

It was so hard when my ex suddenly backed off because the connection was broken. It really did feel like a huge part of my world came crashing down. I really didn't know what to do and as you all know, I acted out of panic. I had no idea what to say/do and now it's completely ruined.

 

I don't want what I don't have as such because that would imply that I don't care about my ex and I just miss having "someone". My friends tell me that I'll be fine once I meet someone else. Maybe. But thus far, nobody I've met has interested me. What I had with my ex was amazing and I really miss it. She doesn't obviously and things have got so bad that I have no choice but to move on.

 

As you know, I told my ex where to go. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be friends (maybe just for now or forever I don't know). I don't see how she will want what she can't have. Yes, I have been too available (guilty as charged) but I think she'll be relieved to not have my in her life anymore. Which I'll learn to live with.

 

Maybe wanting what you can't have only applies to a new relationship with someone. Meaning that when we first start dating someone, we are a challenge. Once you get into a relationship and you do all there is to do, it can get boring and repetitive. That's why my ex bolted I think. Our relationship was a routine. I regret it getting that way and I know that it could've been different had we communicated more but what's done is done.

[lonely83]

I agree with both crazyaboutdogs and Mustang.

 

As Mustang says ''I don't want what I don't have as such because that would imply that I don't care about my ex and I just miss having "someone"''. Yes, in a sense it might be possible I miss having ''someone'' but the way I feel at the moment isn't about missing ''someone'' it's about missing her.

 

The way we were together, the way she made me feel about life and myself, the comfort she made me feel with myself no one has ever done before. In all my previous relationships, (whilst not extensive 1 other serious and 3 casual), not one of these other girls made me open up and trust another person the way my ex ever did. She was the only person I've ever felt expected me for who I was and what I am, I never felt the need to impress her or act differently around her, (which I do around so many people), with her I could be my true self and she loved me for that and for who I was - well at least she claimed to. She used to tell me she never felt the way she did towards me with anyone else previously, (maybe this is typical relationship b*******?)

 

While I have not been extensively seeking to meet new people those few that I have met, have been insignificant or of no serious interest, yes they may be attractive etc but it always seems to end there.

 

I hope what I'm saying makes sense!

 

lonely83