dating a man almost divorced!!!

[secretadmirer]

My situation is this, I´ve been dating a almost divorced man for a year, his divorces will be done on November this year. He has two daughters, 9 and 11. They are lovely and even though was a little hard at the beginning with the youngest, they both love me. Maybe because I have found the way to be liked and their opportunity. So, there are no problems with the children. However the problem comes more from his and her side.

 

Of course I understand that she always will be there, specially ´cause the lady has the reputation do not care enough about her daughters and the one who has always rescued them even for a her cut is the dad, my boyfriend. We can see that this created a bigger problem. He has tried to change that a little, to understand they both have to be equal in this paternal life but she abused of that a lot, and had created a lot of problems between us.

 

My big concern besides others are, he lied a lot to protect his children and covering her irresponsibilities. Sometimes the scheduled that we all have needs to be change cause we need to take care of the girls or they have to study and etc...

 

I´m worried and seriously scared to be in a relationship where maybe he is not ready or maybe i´m not ready.

 

I suggested him to go to therapy, he agreed with me, so I should´t be that much concerned about this but I feel like I´m losing it and the answer I get from him is you like to argue a lot. Because I don´t understand why it´s so hard to tell me what is really happening or if it was a changed of plans. So once again my thoughts in my head are confusing me more every day.

 

Can you please tell what do you think about this.

 

[keenan]

 

Can you please tell what do you think about this.

 

 

I'm thinking this sounds like a lot of responsibility and you have to ask yourself whether you can handle it. It's really about your tolerance as much as anything.

 

Give the therapy a try for a few weeks, and try to ease up on the arguing. It won't accomplish anything except making you both miserable.

[Batya33]

It sounds confusing for the kids to be getting attached to you even though you are not sure you are in this for the long haul and neither is he. He is still married - separated means still married - to the mother of his children and even if he wasn't it is in the childrens' best interests to have a close relationship with their mother if at all possible. Do you think you can be supportive of that?

 

In my personal opinion it is risky - not a great idea - to date a still married man even if he has filed for divorce, especially if there are children involved. Therapy is never a bad idea but it depends on whether you accept his situation and accept that once he is single he may wish to enjoy being single and he may see you as the emotional bandaid who supported him through getting his divorce, but not as someone he wants to be tied down to epecially once he is legally single. Are you prepared to take that risk?

[CakeLove]

Dating someone who isn't quite divorced is usually a heartbreak in the making. For many, many reasons. The first few years after a divorce are usually the worst...and trying to mix a relationship into the menudo of issues...well, it's usually the first thing to blow up when things get difficult. We all think maybe we are unusually strong and we can handle anything..that our love will conquer all and such. Who needs to come first right now is the kids. And relationships are difficult enough without the ex making sure the argument pots are always boiling. If things continue in this direction they seem to be going in...I would take a big two (or three) steps back for now. For your own well-being. (And sanity)

[tangi39]

Dating someone who isn't quite divorced is usually a heartbreak in the making. For many, many reasons. The first few years after a divorce are usually the worst...and trying to mix a relationship into the menudo of issues...well, it's usually the first thing to blow up when things get difficult. We all think maybe we are unusually strong and we can handle anything..that our love will conquer all and such. Who needs to come first right now is the kids. And relationships are difficult enough without the ex making sure the argument pots are always boiling. If things continue in this direction they seem to be going in...I would take a big two (or three) steps back for now. For your own well-being. (And sanity)

 

I agree and I need to add- It was really out of line for you to suggest counseling to him for two reasons-

 

1. His divorce is his to deal with, in his own way and own time.

It's really none of your business.

 

2. You aren't even sure that you want to be in this for the long run- so why should you have ANY say in any aspect of his life ?

 

Step back and give him time to deal with everything. Plus, if both of you are unsure if you want to be together, then please step back before those kids get too attached to you. It will be hard enough for them having to be away from their mother, the last thing they need is another "mother" figure going in and out of their lives right now.

It's really in everyone's best interest to give each other lots of space and time. I would step back from dating him at all until his divorce is final.

And even then, I'd take it VERY slow and casual. Don't get involved.

[secretadmirer]

I really appreciated the time for all the answers, even though some of them are a little hard for me. Maybe i sounded a little cold for some of you. Guys I love him,the problem is, he makes situation harder... do you really think i would like to be playing with kids mind, come on!!!!

 

Don´t attacked me, let´s try to kill the problem. I asked him for Counseling for him own good, for his kids, for myself.You guys are completely right about his situation after he´s divorced. One thing is for sure, if you want something in life, you fight for it, if he decided to take this step on his own he will get the results he wanted from the beginning. I really don´t think he will involved his kids, in his relationship with me if he was not sure about his feelings or goals.

I will support a good relationship with their mom, i think it will be a good idea for everybody. I don´t think arguing will fix things are all, agreed, thank you for the remark.

 

Trust me, if things continue or scale in a bad way for both of us, I will decided the best for all of us, including the kids.

 

Thank you for your advice and time!!!

[Batya33]

But he's involving his kids and letting them get attached to you even though he knows you're having doubts, and even though he is still married to their mother, so i would question his judgment as to whether he has his kids' best interests at heart.

[tangi39]

 

Trust me, if things continue or scale in a bad way for both of us, I will decided the best for all of us, including the kids.

 

QUOTE]

 

My intention was Not to attack you, please don't misunderstand me.

I don't think you're intentionally "messing with" his kids mind.

I just know that kids have a tendency to get attached to adults quickly. And with this situation, I think it best to slow down and step back for the time being since you are both having doubts.

 

No offense intended, but the above statement- it isn't for you decide, it's his family, not yours. HE needs to decide what is best for everyone-That was my original point.