angel1980 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 my bf is a weed addict, he has tried to give up so many times but has always given in after 2-6 weeks. it makes him really irritable n snappy n i find it changes him n i hate him doing it. we had a really bad bust up a week and half ago and he was quite nasty to me.. he even admitted to me that it was something to do with the weed n said he was deff gonna quit this time. he said he was gonan quit coz he wanted things to work with me.. i told him that at the beggining of his giving up he needs to stop hanig with weed smoking mates coz he always gives in when he is around people smoking it. he was warey at first but after me pointig out that he has ALWAYS slipped back to smoking when he has been aroudn weed smoking mates.. he finally agreed that for 2-3 weeks he would stay away from people smoking weed, his exact words were "ok baby, its a deal"... i felt so happy its been 3 days under 2 weeks and he tells me tonight that he is taking his decks (he dj's) round a mates house.. i know what goes on round this mates, they r always smoking weed so i told him to please not go round n break the promise he made me n put himself in the middle of temptation when he is only on 1.5 weeks of giving up. he didnt see it like that n said that i was being controlling and i jsut want everyuthing my way n that he woul be going to his mates house anyway, i said that if he broke this promise that he made then itd be over between us coz i dont wanna be with someone who makes me false promises n that he swore he would stay away from weed smokers for a few weeks. he just kept on that it was only a couplf of days away from 2 weeks so what does it matter n if i wanna put out relationship on the line for something so petty then its my choice n i have made my bed so i can lie in it. i tried to explain that i jsut dont want to be with someone who can make me a promise but then rip it away whenever he fancies ( he did lie to me alot a while back but hasnt done for nearly a year so there is a small elemnt of distrust lying dormant).. he jsut sais that i am being so f-ing petty n he will still go and if i want to put us on the line over this then so be it i just see it as he gets very snappy with me coz of the weed, he knows he doesand said he wuld give up. i know that he hasfailed 8-10 times when trying to give up before coz of hanign with people who smokew it which is why i asked him to not hang with people who smoke it for a few weeks .. he made me a promiose n was all nice about it n said *ok baby it a deal" so i feel he has broken a promise and that just erodes the trust, he swore he wudnbt hang with weed smokers for a while till he was over the main bit but is doing that as we speak i feel i cant trust him if he wil lgo against his word... i ended it. i feel so upset and miss him so bad n am angry he chose to do this rather then keep to promise am i right in doing this and is he being a total idiot?? Link to comment
Mutley Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 Yes you are right. Alchoholics and other drug addicts ALWAYS choose their high over people. AND...they don't quit 98.0% of the time. Get rid of him. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 If he's not willing to give up being around the people who support his habit, then he's probably not really committed to quitting. I think you did the right thing. I know it hurts and that you miss the person that you know he can be, but in reality he's not always that person because of his problem. You can't always wait around through those bad times hoping for the guy you fell in love with to come back. It'll hurt for awhile, but we're all here for you and in time you'll heal and know that this was right. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Yeah, if you aren't cool with the drugs, you'll never be cool with the drugs. Find someone that doesn't cause you so much angst. Don't worry about it. Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 You are better off hun! People don't change unless they REALLY want to! It doesn't matter how much you beg and plead...! Addictions are relationship killers...don't allow him to bring you down with him. Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 i have just been reading over the texts he sent me just before i ended it. he seems to think that becuase he was assuring me that he wouldnt smoke while he was with smoking mates that it was ok to go and that's what should matter, NOT the fact he was going to see these mates. But he DID promise a week and a half ago that for a few weeks he would not spend time with the weed smoking mates at all, just till he had got over the worst of the cravings. In his head he is not breaking any promises even though he did make a promise that he would not see any weed smoking mates for a few weeks.. he just thinks that all i should care about is if he smokes it or not... i just know he has always failed before when he was out with weed smokers which is why i thought this time if he wants to do it proper then he needs to avoid the weed smokers and all the tempation for a few weeks. am i really right to finish it just becuase he went to see some friends?? yes i know he still broke a promise but should i have just trsuted him that this time he wouldnt give in to temptation.. am i being a bit hard on him. here is his text........ "oh put your violin away, it isnt a blame game here, its the simple fact that YOU'RE not happy about me going to see mates tonight when if anything would have tempted me it woulda been at johns last night but you couldnt have been less bothered (i was un aware that he was around people smoking last night coz he said they were playing football.. didnt realise till after this text that they wer esmoking while playing.. but my bf swears he didnt smoke any) So yea i think you are doign this coz you aint getting what you want. i made a promise to not be around temptation for a couple of week, considering it will be 2 weeks soon and i dont feel tempted, kinda kicks that one out!! " grr that winds me up reading that, he still did make me a promise though and i feel he can't cut it short when he fancies just coz he feels he is ok around weed now and wont give into temptation. he still did break the promise and told me he was going to see the mates wether i liked it or not .. and he still did go and play football with a bunch of lads smoking it the night before.. so he broke the promsie then aswell. yea he may not have given in and smoked it to but i feel he did break the promsie by putting himself around temptation. am i just being a party pooping controlling nag?? please say if i am Link to comment
Papillion Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 hmm. tricky one. I think if you really dont want to be with a weed smoker then you should simply break up with this dude and think no more about it. Whether he sees this friend or that friend, gives up for two weeks, whatever. Fact is - he's a weed smoker. You kinda have to either accept that or hit the road. Dont go trying to change him hon, you wont succeed. He does have a point tho - it should really be about whether he smokes the weed shouldn't it? If he is in the company of smokers and manages to resist temptation then you should be pleased about that shouldn't you? Means he's got some inner strength doesn't it? Personally tho, i wouldnt take his word for it that he did resist temptation. Sorry to sound cynical, i'm just being realistic. Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 think is .. its not just me who wants him to stop. he wants to stop desperatly coz his face breaks out in spots, he gets the munchies and eats a whole load of crap and is overweight coz of this. he is always moaning about his skin and his weight and i have todl him so many times that he needs to give up weed in order to sort them out. as well as that, he is snappy, stroppy and sometimes very intimidating when he needs his weed fix..... and he knows it himself and wants to give up .. but he just loves smoking weed so much. so you think i am being a bit hard on him coz he made me that promise a week and a half ago and has broken it and decided he doesnt want to go along with it any more?? just annoyed that he wasted his breath makign that promise n giving it the nice act and buttering me up... what was the point in it if he felt we couldnt even make it for 2 weeks without hanging with his weed smoking mates. if he couldnt keep to a promise why couldnt he just have said that he culdnt make me that promise and i had to trust him or leave him.. that woulda been better then makign a false promsie surely?? Link to comment
Papillion Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 well no, it is wrong of him to break a promise. But you might possibly be going slightly overboard on the promise thing. Like i said, the important thing is whether he smoked the weed. He says he didnt, you believe him, so i dont see a problem. You're pulling him up on a technicality really. Aren't you? Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 well i just know that every sinlge time he has tried to give up, he has always given in eventually coz he puts himself in the middle of temptation and if he's had a particular stressfull day at work.. then the temptation increases and he always gives in. the most he went was 6 weeks without smoking but smoked it once when he was with a mate n then it was the slippery slope down. i know full well he cant be around temptation at all in the early stages,,, its only what the past 8-10 times of him giving up has proved. i dont want to be around him any more when he is snapping and stropping which is why i said that if he is serious about giving up this time then he needs to do it different to every other time coz the way he has done it before obviously didnt work for him. he said he understood that and agreed with me that the best thing to do would be to avoid weed smoking mates for a while. i told him that if they are true mates they would understand... and he agreed with me and said that it would prob be best to avoid. so i asked him to promise and he said yes. jsut seems like everything he said and all the nicey nicey stuff was false coz he had no intention obviously to stick to what he said he felt was right to do this time. i really felt he was doing the sensible thing this time n it made me feel happy that he was considering me and didnt want to put me through his strops any more. why didnt he jsut say from the very start.. i want to still see the weed smoking friends?? we had a whole long convo about it and he was really nice and even said he realised that it was prob the best thing to do.... it just makes him seem very very very false if he can just say all he said n be all lovely n nice but then just rip it all away whenever he fancies and then make me out to be totaly in the wrong n that i am a nut case who only wants what she wants. its not really the weed thing thats bothering me... its the fact he made me a false promise when we have already had trust issues in the past coz he told a few lies which i caught him out with. i woulda thought the last thing he would be doing is anything to eorde more trust.. how can he expect me to trust him when he is all nice making promises n agreeing with what i say n then just breakign the promise when it suits him its more of a trust thing then anything... and the fact it jsut makes everything he said that night when we talked about it false. just feel i dont know who he really is, is he that nice guy who agreed with what i said.. or is he just someone false who makes promises he cant keep n sais things to me jsut for the sake of it to score some brownie points with me. Link to comment
Hayles Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Oh honey.... You are confused, aren't you? On one hand you are asking for reassurance that you have done the right thing - that your actions are justified - and on the other you are defending him. Seriously, no one can answer this for you... What you need to work out is this - Is it the fact that he broke a promise? Or the fact that the promise he may have broken was about pot? If he wanted to stop, he would, and it truly is THAT simple! Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 its the broken promise that bothers me the most becusae we have had bad trust issues in the past as he lied to me a few times before. its taken me months n month to start building the trust back coz i would find out something else and i would be back to sqaure one again. i really have noticed him trying in the last 6 months (we been together 3 years) but doing things like buttering me up and telling me things i want to hear just to keep me sweet but knowing deep down you may not be able to stick to your word... well thats hardly gonna make me trust is it. Link to comment
Hayles Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 So, maybe you are answering your own question? You can't trust him. And you are saying this, not us... So babe, as hard as it is to accept it all as final - maybe it's time to move on and forward, so when Mr. Can Trust comes along, you're free! Link to comment
Whiskers Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 You were right, it's a hopeless situation. My brother got caught up in all that and it did not end well...at all. You should take a step back and try to move on because he won't change and you can't trust him - trust is what's important and you don't have it. The pain will go away, it usually does but it's just never an easy process, so many give in. As I have said to others, think of yourself first - someone has to. XXXX Link to comment
Mutley Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 He does have a point tho - it should really be about whether he smokes the weed shouldn't it? If he is in the company of smokers and manages to resist temptation then you should be pleased about that shouldn't you? Means he's got some inner strength doesn't it? Personally tho, i wouldnt take his word for it that he did resist temptation. Sorry to sound cynical, i'm just being realistic. I respectfully, yet TOTALLY, disagree here. Alchoholics and other drug addicts are liars at least some of the time. As far as hanging around his drug buddies and "inner strength" that's a joke. You hang around McDonalds, you will eventually get a hamburger. You hang around the barber, you will eventually get a haircut. You hang around a bar, you will eventually get a drink. You hang around doper friends, you will eventually get high. Link to comment
Papillion Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I respectfully, yet TOTALLY, disagree here. Alchoholics and other drug addicts are liars at least some of the time. As far as hanging around his drug buddies and "inner strength" that's a joke. You hang around McDonalds, you will eventually get a hamburger. You hang around the barber, you will eventually get a haircut. You hang around a bar, you will eventually get a drink. You hang around doper friends, you will eventually get high. Dude, read my post again. You have actually agreed with me, not disagreed. What i said was - i dont buy that he can be with his smoker buddies and resist the urge to smoke. My guess is that he is not being truthful if this is what he is saying. Link to comment
Mutley Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Dude, read my post again. You have actually agreed with me, not disagreed. What i said was - i dont buy that he can be with his smoker buddies and resist the urge to smoke. My guess is that he is not being truthful if this is what he is saying. I'm sorry. You are right. I didn't read it carefully enough. I totally missed the irony. Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 i sent him a long email explainign exactly why i feel i have to end it.. coz after all the past issues with trust, this is proving that i still cant fully take his words as gospel n that i love him and am gutted i have to do this but if i dont i am just showing him that its ok to break promises and i will still be kool with him. he mailed back that he understands... but then went on to say "i bet you are glad you got the tv when you did" he got me a new tv about a month ago.. LOl that last thing i wsa thinking about was the tv, it didnt even cross my mind, was more upset about the split considering he has been my life for 3 years. why on earth would he bring that up abotu the tv?? Link to comment
Papillion Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm sorry. You are right. I didn't read it carefully enough. I totally missed the irony. no prob fella. Link to comment
Papillion Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 i sent him a long email explainign exactly why i feel i have to end it.. coz after all the past issues with trust, this is proving that i still cant fully take his words as gospel n that i love him and am gutted i have to do this but if i dont i am just showing him that its ok to break promises and i will still be kool with him. he mailed back that he understands... but then went on to say "i bet you are glad you got the tv when you did" he got me a new tv about a month ago.. LOl that last thing i wsa thinking about was the tv, it didnt even cross my mind, was more upset about the split considering he has been my life for 3 years. why on earth would he bring that up abotu the tv?? well if you're truly over then of course you have all the nasty unpleasant things that come with a break-up now, one of which is petty arguments about who bought what etc. He may be saying flippant things now because he doesnt take your threat seriously. Or if he is taking it seriously, he might be in shock. Alternatively, he might be stoned. I know when i split with my girl about 3 or 4 weeks ago, we both said some astonishingly inappropriate things. I think its shock. Just tell him he can have the stupid tv back if thats what he thinks. Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 he went round his druggy mates last night. spoke to him before and he said he was going there... i invited him over as one last chance for him to change his mind n keep to his promise but he said he wanted to see mates. rang him not long ago and asked how much he smoked n he said "not alot" so he gave in and smoked it, everything he said abotu trusting him that he wouldnt give into temptation was crap. he just said that coz i had ended it with him over the broken promise then he didnt reallyl give a * * * * so smoked it. i said that i thought he was giving up for him, not me. i woulda thought that he would have gone out of his way to prove to me that he can be trusted. it got a bit nasty n i called him a pathetic druggy idiot who makes excuse after excuse n he just told me to tell someone who cares. i feel sick and i hate him for doing this. i am so upset n so gutted Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 3 years together down the pan.. all coz he love for weed is obviously greater then his love for me or his mental/phsycal health Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 ps- i am starting NC from now. i am gonna miss him so much.. i am not going to give in unless he comes back literally begging and showing some sort of proof that he is deadly serious this time. he never ever comes running back begging, its always been me, even when its been him who was in the wrong. so we will see... i need to do this so badly Link to comment
angel1980 Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 HELP... its 11.28pm and i am findind it increasingly hard not to text. i keep havign these little thoughts that i want to text n say i miss him. this is soooo hard, the feelign of wanting to contact him is unbearable. i dont know how long i am goign to do this for without giving in. Link to comment
gracerules2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Ultimatums don't work for drug addicts or alcoholics or any other addicts because even if they choose you over their addiction it's only going to be temporary. The only way he's going to make permanent changes is if his motivation for quitting comes from within. It will only work temporarily if he's trying to quit just because he doesn't want to lose you. He has to want to do it for himself whether he's in a relationship or not. Link to comment
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