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Depression has kicked in again and I feel like ****


Turboz
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Feeling like these days people.

 

Given up on women, friends, life, work, fun, pleasure etc.

 

Life holds nothing for me anymore. Nothing makes me feel happy, I enjoy nothing.

 

Some of you might remember that months ago I once posted about some opera singer. Guess what? - She called me up one night from her country. Stupidly I ended up calling her every week with an interpreter, met up with her twice (and let her insult me, play with my feelings and make me feel like scum of the earth) and now I feel like .

 

I was warned by many people to stay away as it would end miserably but Turboz being Turboz thought he could prove them all wrong and win. I lost.

 

I felt miserable for a while so I left my home town and family and moved 500 miles north to a place I like. That distracted my attention for a while until memory's started coming back to me and recently I've been feeling really bad and majorly depressed. The worst part of it all is that I have a bridge outside my new home and with each passing day I wonder what the point is of living a life that I don't enjoy when I could simply take the plunge and end the whole lot.

 

I've just about lost all hope with life and I don't see any improvements on the way. I'm becoming irratic and irrational and my mind seems to be trapped in some twisted time warp which is repeating memorys that only make me feel worse. Distractions only work for a short amount of time and the more I try not to think about it the more I end up thinking about it.

 

I am in a mental hell with no escape. There is no way around my situation - I cannot change it to my favour and I cannot forget it. I feel like I am tearing myself apart and destroying myself. Someone recently said to me that I seem to be on a self destruct mission - They're absolutely right because I hate my life and see no reason to continue fighting it.

 

I've recently become scarily black or white. I see no in-between. I am not afraid of death anymore. I recently became aware that everything has an opposite and an equal. Life's opposite is death. The equal (middle) of them both is nothing. If I die I have had life, death and fulfilled nothing. You see in a twisted way it makes sense to end it just to complete the formula. I see no reason to live anymore and I don't know how to stop myself thinking like this.

 

If I top myself I waste my only life. If I don't I waste my escape route. Please advise,

 

-T

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Hey bro.....I know exactly how you feel.

 

First of all don't do anything to hurt yourself. I've been having very morbid thoughts as well and it even seems to offer a little relief to think about it? But DON'T DO IT!! Your family and everyone who cares about you will be devastated. You may not feel like there is anyone but there really is. I seem to shut people out when I'm depressed and not see my support crew that's there.

 

Everything you said about how you feel is exactly how I've been. There is no in-between.....right now. I've been on a self destruct mission for months now and everything just plainly sux.....right now.

 

But there is something deep inside of me that is saying "this won't last forever"....I will be happy again. I'm 28 and have been through these rock bottom times before and survived...barely. Keep telling yourself "Be Strong" "Life isn't going to kick my arse" I'm going to push through this shat and I hope you do too.

 

Don't give up on yourself brother. This is just a really bad funk that WILL pass. It may not pass quickly but keeping moving through this shat....lift your knees high bro! Make yourself get out and see things differently. I know it seems impossible but try. I'm trying myself and haven't been having the best luck but I'm trying to stay strong. But F it....I'm not letting some little B get the best of me, and I'm not going to let life hold me down.

 

Lift your head up and stay strong brother!

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Hey Brother

 

I can dig where you are coming from. And I know it is not a very good place at the moment. I wanted to share with you on this Christmas Morning a story of a very close personal friend. This happened in 2003.

I was washing my car, and a longtime friend (Robert) comes driving up in his brand new car. He is showing it off to me, and I'm admiring it wishing it were mine. What was strange was he never just comes over, he always calls to see if i'm home. He said bro, I won't be seeing much of you in the future. He then said he had to fly. Robert had a really hot looking lady that he lived with. they were always fighting and degrading one another all of the time. Everytime I went to his place and she was there, we'll the fighting always made me want to leave. But when you looked at this lady, she was like an angel, this lady was beautiful on the outside. What was going on on the inside I'll never know. They had been together at least five years. They broke up almost all of the time on a regular basis. And I know that can make things really confused. My friend Robert worshipped the ground this girl walked on. It was like fatal attraction stuff you see in the movies, only this was real life for my friend Robert. That day Robert came over while I was washing my car, was the last day anyone ever saw him alive. When she came home from work (she broke the news that is was over, really over this time)...After leaving my house we assume, Robert went out for more than a few. And right after she told him, he pulled out a .38 pistol and blew his brains out right in front of her in the kitchen. I was one of the last people to see my friend alive. He was sending me a message and in his own way stopping by to say his final goodbye. I miss Robert even on this day, he was a really good looking man, and had everything to live for. And I mean everything. Was this girl worth it ? Or course not. He should have just packed his bags and said good-bye. I just broke up with a great girl who I loved alot, I for sure am not going to kill myself over her. I like to reflect back to Sept 11th and say that all the wonderful people that died that day would love to trade with you or me for just one more miserable days of our lives. I know they would. I understand the time-warp thing. The reason I'm writing to you, is because of that. It blew me away when I read that. Because I feel I'm in some sort of lost time warp. I'm hanging tough my brother, and I'm dusting myself off. I'm getting back in the game of life. Running away and moving will never solve your problems. Why ? because your life is in your head, and it is how you handle your thoughts in your head that counts. Never let another person get you down. And like Robert you look like a very talented guy and have every reason to press on. It will get better, just hang, and when you think your at the end of your rope, we'll tie a knot and hang-on. If you keep getting these thoughts please consider seeing a doctor, they have pills that really work for depression. Half the world in on some kind of pill. But they work until you can work through this. So I hope my story helped you, he was a good friend. And it really was a waste of a good life. Don't be like that. Be strong, dig deep, and get in touch with what ever you need to to get out of the time warp. I'm doing it my self. If you ever need to pm me, I'll be there for you my time warp buddy. I drive around in one everyday. But it will get better for the both of us I promise.

 

Happy Holidays from accross the Pond

Kuhl

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