Looking for advice for dating a girl with social phobia

[BigBlack81]

I've finally found a girl and she's awesome. But she has really bad social phobia and she's also dealing with issues of depression and anxiety. She and I both have a lot of the same issues and I want to be with her but a lot of times she can't deal with being in more then groups of 3 people. She also hates driving so it makes time for us alone very difficult as well.

 

I need some suggestions because I'm getting close to the end of my rope here.

[Mar]

My fiance has similar problems, so I can relate. In his case, he's alright in groups for about an hour before he starts to feel "antsy" and wants to leave, and he's not a big conversationalist.

 

Ask your gf what's comfortable with her. There's no need for her to hang out in a group if she's not comfortable with it, as long as she doesn't resent you for going without her. If she's willing to go but only stay a short time, accept that, since it's a large step for her. When she's ready to go, GO, since any more might give her an anxiety attack.

 

As far as driving goes, I'm not sure what causes her discomfort with this.....was it due to an accident or something she can't name? Regardless, suggest short trips to get her more comfortable with it, and gradually lengthen them as she feels more comfortable. If she has her license, suggest that she drive so she has more control. If she doesn't, then let her know that when she's ready to turn around, you'll do so. Being understanding of her fears will go a long way in alleviating them.

 

Whatever you do, just be PATIENT. Her anxiety is deep-set, and won't be cured from a few suggestions. It takes patience, and more patience, even when you feel like yelling, "What's the MATTER with you?" She doesn't enjoy it either, and will appreciate all your efforts to help her quell her fears!

 

Mar

[liltasha]

You have to talk to her about this - don't make it sound like you're angry at her, just explain that you want to help her through this.

 

Instead of trying to get her to go out in a big group - take things slowly, arrange for a small group - 4 - of people she knows and gets on with - so you and a couple of other friends for instance. Gradually increase the number of people so she gets used to it rather than throw her in at the deep end. Lets face it, she won't agree to going out with a big bunch of people but may if you say there's only a few people who she knows well.

 

The driving - see if you can gradually get her used to it - small trips. How does this stop you spending time together? Can't you drive?

 

If you give more details we may be able to offer more advice.

Good luck!

[BigBlack81]

My fiance has similar problems, so I can relate. In his case, he's alright in groups for about an hour before he starts to feel "antsy" and wants to leave, and he's not a big conversationalist.

 

See, I'm the exact same way as your fiancee so I can completely relate. I have social phobia and I'll be fine for between an hour to 90 minutes then it's time for me to go. Period.

 

Ask your gf what's comfortable with her. There's no need for her to hang out in a group if she's not comfortable with it, as long as she doesn't resent you for going without her. If she's willing to go but only stay a short time, accept that, since it's a large step for her. When she's ready to go, GO, since any more might give her an anxiety attack.

 

The thing is, I'd prefer for us to be just her and I a lot more and she's still somewhat uncomfortable about that. Part of that is this but I'm also think that part of it is the newness of our relationship. We've only really been going out for a month though we've known each other all semester.

 

As far as driving goes, I'm not sure what causes her discomfort with this.....was it due to an accident or something she can't name? Regardless, suggest short trips to get her more comfortable with it, and gradually lengthen them as she feels more comfortable. If she has her license, suggest that she drive so she has more control. If she doesn't, then let her know that when she's ready to turn around, you'll do so. Being understanding of her fears will go a long way in alleviating them.

 

I'm still lost about that but one of my goals whilst I am home in the big CT (Yay! is to learn how to drive and be able to drive her which, she has already said, will reward in me being to hijack her into things she wouldn't normally do. she hates driving for driving's sake and would prefer for someone else to do it. hence why I'm learning...and other reasons.

 

Whatever you do, just be PATIENT. Her anxiety is deep-set, and won't be cured from a few suggestions. It takes patience, and more patience, even when you feel like yelling, "What's the MATTER with you?" She doesn't enjoy it either, and will appreciate all your efforts to help her quell her fears!

 

Oh we've got tons of that. I just tend to need some help from time dealing with the little issues that come up in my head. A little positive reinforcement and all of that.

 

Anyone else wanna weigh in, please do. But for now, thanks much.

[BigBlack81]

You have to talk to her about this - don't make it sound like you're angry at her, just explain that you want to help her through this.

 

Instead of trying to get her to go out in a big group - take things slowly, arrange for a small group - 4 - of people she knows and gets on with - so you and a couple of other friends for instance. Gradually increase the number of people so she gets used to it rather than throw her in at the deep end. Lets face it, she won't agree to going out with a big bunch of people but may if you say there's only a few people who she knows well.

 

We're trying to do that, me and a couple of my friends, but in reality I'd prefer a lot more of her and I to be together one to one. I'm a lot like her as I have previous stated.

 

The driving - see if you can gradually get her used to it - small trips. How does this stop you spending time together? Can't you drive?

 

As quoted before, I cannot drive. This is goal of my being home in CT over the break.

 

If you give more details we may be able to offer more advice.

Good luck!

 

Hope this helps.

[liltasha]

It sounds like you're very understanding and prepared to help her through - she's very lucky! Its also good that you sometimes feel the same as her - to be able to understand whats she's going through. Some peeps may think she's like that because she doesn't like going out etc etc but you can help her get through this phobia.

 

Have you made it clear to her that you want to spend a lot more time with her? Tell her straight out how you feel about her. She may be a bit more confident about things.

 

Is it just her not liking to drive that stops you two from going out more? Well done on learning to drive to get round this! I'm sure she'll be impressed by the effort you're putting in. In the meantime are there any ways around the driving problem? alternative ways for her to get home, you to meet up etc? Maybe arrange to meet up during the day where there's more chances of public transport? I don't know where you live so you could be living in the middle of nowhere and have no alternative to a car!

 

I don't know how old you are - that might make a difference to things you can do.

 

But rather than say arrange for a small group of you to go out for a few drinks (she may feel a bit pressured that she'll be expected to talk to everyone) how about arranging for a few of you to do something like bowling, skating, cinema etc where the focus is more on having fun and taking her mind off her phobias?

 

Hope this helps! I'd be interested to hear how things go - I'm kind of a social phobic myself but trying to get past it!