Trusting my husband....how?

[hellohello]

I'm in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married almost five years and I'm 6 months pregnant now. We have not had sex since we found out about the baby because we're terrified of something going wrong.

 

But, my husband has been spending a lot of time on the internet visiting porn sites and web cams, getting private shows, and pretty much getting off without me. Now mind you, I really have not been in the mood with all the changes going on with my body and hormones and we haven't even really been intimate at all since July (until this month...my sex drive is way up now...yet we're too afraid to have actual intercourse).

 

My problem is that the whole internet porn thing has been a sore spot in our relationship for a long time. I don't like it when he does anything that can be considered crossing the line on the internet. No chatting, no private cam shows (yes, the kind I accidentally found out about that he had been keeping a secret from me), basically, if you're interacting with someone else on an intimate level, even if it's not face to face...you're betraying my trust and thus, our marriage.

 

And he has done this more than once, and we have a HUGE fight about it, and he promises he won't do it again....well, he's done it again....this is shot number 4 or more by now...I've lost count. In fact, in the past he's even had a little fling with one girl. I surprised him one day and he didn't close his e-mail window on the computer and I read an e-mail that just broke my heart. He never met her or anything, but they had a little internet thing going on. I was working out of state at the time and would only come hom on weekends and that put a strain on our marriage (at least, in my husband's eyes). I quit my job shortly thereafter.

 

I also found out he had thought about getting himself an escort last month, but never went through with it.

 

So, now, we're trying to get back on track and we've become more intimate as I've said, almost every day....I figure, if I don't do it, some other girl will be getting him off on line or worse! And this really hurts.

 

My problem is trusting him. We won't be having actual intercourse for another 3 months...and then maybe another month after I give birth depending on how well or not well the whole birthing process goes!! I'm always so suspicious of him. Wondering if he's been talking to anyone or doing anything he's promised he won't do, and it's driving me nuts!! I get knots in my stomach when I walk into the room and see him on the computer.

 

How can I believe in him when he's told me he wouldn't do this again in the past? What makes this time any different?

 

I know men will be men and my husband's sex drive is higher than mine during normal times...mine is higher right now though....but it hurts me when he does that stuff....he knows it hurts me which is why he hid it so well. (Clearing the history and temp internet files and all that stuff). Having a back up page ready to pop up if I walked in the room so I would think he's looking at something else. I feel so stupid.

 

And then I have to deal with him being angry at me for not trusting him. He's said to me, if there's no trust, there's no marriage. How can you say you love me, but not trust me? If you don't trust me, then this is over.

 

BUT HOW CAN I TRUST HIM???

 

The porn issue is another issue all together, and perhaps one day I'll come back and get advice on that....but for now, need help trusting my husband and soon to be father of my little girl so that we can have a healthy relationship when she's ready to pop out!!

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Well, none of this problem is yours from what I can see. Your husband has proven your trust in him unfounded, and now it's his responsibility to build a foundation that you can build your trust on again. He has to be completely open about what he's doing. If there are no secrets, then there can be no problem.

 

I would suggest that you see a marriage councilor. If you're a Christian, go to your pastor or priest. Even if the two of you aren't comfortable talking to him... or her, I'm sure that he would be able to point you to someone else.

[Ash]

I'm a little confused here. Why exactly have you decided not to have intercourse? Is this a doctor prescribed abstinence?

 

In general, there is nothing wrong with having intercourse when pregnant, certainly for the first several months at least. After that, if can become more of a comfort issue. (In fact, one way sometimes recommended to induce labour is to have intercourse).

 

You seem to be using sex and intercourse interchangeably, which I assume means you have not been intimate in any way. Even if afraid of intercourse, why not engage in other forms of activity, especially now that your drive is way up again.

 

I think the two of you need to sit down and talk about finding a comfortable middle ground here. You say he has a high sex drive, but you've not been with him for 6 months. He has attempted to find whatever outlet he can for himself. It's perhaps wrong of him to be dealing with other women one on one over the internet. As you say, it is a betrayal of trust. You may want to concede allowing him to view internet sights, but not actually have any personal type contact with anybody. The fact the you allow him to work out some of his frustration this way with your knowledge may provide him with the feelings he needs to keep his trust with you.

 

I would also advise if you haven't already, bring up the intercourse issue with your doctor. I could be unaware of some aspect of your condition here, but this may be the easiest way to right the wrongs and get the feeling of closeness back with your husband.

 

Certainly, for a while after birth you will not be able to have intercourse, so do keep that in mind. And you will mostly likely feel a lot less like it than you have during your pregnancy, so be prepared for somewhat of an extended period of abstinence after as well.

 

Get him back into your heart and yours into him my being understanding and trying to work something out so he isn't compelled to stray. You both need to work together on this, believe me. I didn't with my wife, and it's eventually led to a terribly unhappy ending. Don't let that happen to you.

[hellohello]

We have been intimate for about two weeks now without having actual intercourse, which has brought us closer together than we have been since the pregnancy. Now, we actually go to bed together instead of him going to the computer while I go to sleep.

The issue of having intercourse is mostly fear. This is our first child and if anything should happen we'd be devastated. And you're right...intercourse can induce labor. That's the fear. A preterm baby at 6 months....I can't even imagine....All the books tell you, it's okay unless you're at risk for pre term labor...well, how the heck would I know that if this is my first pregnancy. ANYTHING can happen and we don't want to lose our most precious gift.

 

Just wanted to make those comments and to thank you for your replies!

[Ash]

I am glad to hear you've been in bed together. It's important. Baby shares mom's chemistry at this time. When the mom is happy, and has endorphins flowing through her system, then the baby is happy too. This happens before the baby is even born.

 

Having sex is very unlikely to induce labour under normal circumstances unless the baby is due to be born anyway. It very rarely induces early labour. I meant it more as a suggestion that's sometimes given when a baby is due or past due.

 

It you do wish to engage - just take it nice and easy. Spooning is a safe position in this respect, you are likely sleeping on your side anyway (with a pillow between your knees possibly) so this is a natural position for you at the moment. If you're concerned, control the depth. It's safe and natural, but like I say, ask your doctor if you are unsure.

 

You would know by now (from your doctor) if you were in danger of pre term labour.

 

You may also find it brings you closer to your husband by letting him give you back rubs, and shoulder rubs, and having him help you take baths etc. He will undoubtedly have a need to be part of the whole process, and having him care for you in that type of way will help him to form a stronger emotional bond. The stronger the bond, the most trust you will have in him.

[Mar]

I can understand your frustration at having your husband secretly looking at porn/talking to other women. But the sad fact is that some men just enjoy porn, period. It's not necessarily "cheating", although I can understand feeling somewhat betrayed, since most of us don't come CLOSE to looking like or acting like those porn stars! But it's also just fantasy. My fiance looks at porn, and yeah, it bothers me at times, but I also know that he just LOOKS, he doesn't act on it. I've accepted it and let him know it's okay with me, and he doesn't hide it anymore. What Ash said about possibly giving your husband that "outlet" may work.

 

As far as intercourse goes, he's right too in that you can have, and, from the sound of it, ARE having, alternate means of being intimate, which definitely helps, as you're noticing!

 

In trusting him, that's up to you. If you let him know that watching porn is okay, that may solve a lot of the issues right there. Again, I'm not necessarily ADVOCATING porn, but it's there and men are going to watch, whether we like it or not. It's just a matter of how secretive they get about it. If he knows he doesn't have to wait until you go to bed to watch it, it may even lose its appeal to him somewhat, because there's not this "pressure" to have some sort of sexual fantasy going on or whatever you'd like to call it. And be creative as far as your intimacy with him goes......try to surprise him one night with something romantic/sexy. Let him know that you're putting your all into this relationship and that you love him too much to let it slide....try to discuss ways to strengthen that which he may find lacking, in that he's going to porn sites or talking to other women or whatever. But be CALM. Easier said than done, but if you get defensive, he will too. If you show him that you're willing to work at satisfying him, he should want to do the same. Good luck to you, I hope you both can come to a mutual, satisfying conclusion to this!

 

Mar

[Ash]

A final note on this from me, something that many pregnant women perhaps don't realize. Often, your partner will find you more sexy when you're pregnant as opposed to less so. Apart from the obvious increase in tummy size (!!!) there are a number of other things that change, some subtle, some not, that may very well make you even more appealing to him.

 

Faced with the possibly double issue of wanting you more, and not being able to enjoy things with you the way he did before has had a frustrating effect on him. Sexual feelings are a very deep rooted, base emotion for men, it can be a precipitating factor in making us do some almost unthinkable things. I don't condone how it makes us, I just want you to be aware of some of the factors at work here.

[hellohello]

Thanks again to all the replies....It really has helped me put some of my fears in perspective. It's hard for me to think like a guy since I'm not one!

 

Yeah, there are some obvious perks when a woman is pregnant...the twins keep getting bigger!

 

You might be right, I never really considered that he would be friskier than ever because of me....All my insecurities took over and all I could think was, he's not attracted to me anymore and all that bad stuff.

I have to remember that it's not always about me, it's about him.