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I Wanna Take My Life


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Even tho i have been talked out of committing suicide more times than i can count but i still think about it -- i'll be fine and go to the store and walk by something a have the worst thoughts, like i walk into the cooking isle and see the knives and think what i could do w/ one. Even tho I haven't OD in a while i still think bout it -- Worst of all i still think about my plan, where and when and how....

Sometimes Id like to hide away somewhere and lock the door -- sometimes all i wanna do is take a mixed OD, take my knives - get in the car and leave this hell hole called earth. I just wanna take my life now before i change my mind. I WANT TO DIE!!!!

 

I KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN ON JUNE 23 - I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH IT - I WANNA TAKE MY LIFE SO FREAKING BADLY!!!!!!

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I KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN ON JUNE 23 - I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH IT - I WANNA TAKE MY LIFE SO FREAKING BADLY!!!!!!

 

 

Whats going to happen June 23, other than my birthday. maybe if you talk about it, you'll feel better.

 

I have been where you are at, and I know how it feels to muster all your strength to hang in there. I know it sounds cliche but things can and do improve eventually.

 

You're only 19, you have so much life ahead, so much to enjoy, so much to see. Death is permanent, once you're gone, you're gone, there is no turning back.

 

When the thoughts become really intense think of some place, thing, or person that makes you feel good. Start thinking about other things that bring you joy, or used to, instead of fantasizing about your suicide fantasize about a happy situation for you.

 

Another thing you might want to try doing is setting small goals and giving yourself credit for every little thing you do. For example a goal could be as simple as : "I am going to get up and go to work". These goals sound silly, but the idea is build back up your self esteem and self confidence. you can set bigger goals for yourself as you gain better self esteem. Each little goal will build up your self esteem little by little.

 

If you ever need to talk please PM me.

 

Take care

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"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" Author unknown.

 

The short version: I went through a very long period in my life wanting to kill myself. I thought it, I dreamed it, I wished it, and I obsessed on it. I never talked about it, so thereforeeee no one knew. When I was pre-teen, I never thought I'd make it through my teens. When I was in my teens, I thought I'd never see my 20's. I made it through my 20's, but I wouldn't live to see my 30's. Guess what? I'm 34 and I feel as though I have overcome my need to kill myself.

 

A funny thing happened one day. I woke up one morning and realized I had a problem. That was the first step. Admitting to yourself you have a problem. I knew that I was depressed and decided to do something about it. For me it was simple. I took anti-depressants, surrounded myself with positive people, got into being a healthcare worker, found a faith that suited me and convinced myself that life is worth living. Everytime I had suicidal thoughts, I remembered the saying, "Suicide is a permanent solutiuon to a temporary problem."

 

I'm no longer on anti-depressants; I have an awesome job; kids that love me and a girlfriend. Life isn't perfect though. I have an ex that drives me nuts, my finances are out of control to the point I can barely breathe and I have no life outside of work and seeing my kids once or twice a week (if I'm lucky). My life (the way it is now) would have driven me to suicide, but it hasn't. I don't even dwell on the bad stuff anymore, I just deal with it.

 

I can comfortably share my story with anyone that wants to or needs to hear it. If I can help save one life, then my pain was worth it. I hope you, or anyone that reads this post, can one day be in my shoes...sharing your story and helping someone else change their mind about wanting to commit suicide.

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It's very sad you had to witness your mother's illness, you and her suffered a lot but she's resting now, do you think there's a reason why you should keep suffering?.

 

Your mom maybe fought all those years because she wanted to live, I just lot my aunt to cancer 3 months ago and even after all doctors told her she had days to live she wanted to get better, that must tell us something about how precious life is and why we should try to make the best out of it while we have it.

 

You mentioned you just started singing again, that sounds like a very good thing, you must do things you enjoy that help you become a better person, not things that might make you feel okay but will destroy you because death is present anyway, we're all going to die at one point or another but there's no death for as long as there is life, you're here for a reason, to be happy.

 

I don't know why some people have to go through the most difficult experiences during the first years of their lives (like you) but whatever it is there's no reason to make it last longer than it should, you're not going to forget what happened but you can find a better way to remember it.

 

I lost my father when I was around your age, people often said to me "You'll learn to live with it" and to be honest I never did, I accepted he was gone but there has never been an "I'm fine with it" mentality, I can think it was the best for him but that's about it, and if you ever reach acceptance that's fine and if you ever feel there was a reason for things to have happened that way it's fine too, just get to a place that feels right for you.

 

Don't give up.

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nothing wonderful happens anymore -- im on 7 forums - music - just started singing again

 

If it makes you feel less alone... I'm a singer, too. I'm not very good, and it's pretty much all I live for too. I'm sorry about all your pain, and even though, in the end, it's your choice what you do with yourself... I hope you don't pull through. As pathetic and miserable as life is... maybe you might wanna consider what the only good thing in Pandora's Box was? Hope. Maybe think about that for a bit and let it sink in. No matter how bad things get, we always have hope... realistic or not.

 

I know how hard it is losing a parent... I lost my dad almost 3 years ago... it hurts to this day, but I just gotta accept it and try to go on with my life the best I can.

 

Sorry I can't think of anything else to make you feel better... but I hope you hang on, for hope's sake.

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You said that you know your mom would not ever want to see you like this. I know her death has really devastated your life- but please think about your mom when you think about taking the gift of life that she gave to you. You are one of your mom's most important accomplishments- her child. You are one of the ways that her memory and spirit will live on.

 

Your life is precious, and I'm sure your mom thought so.

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Hey!!! i tottly feel you pain!! i want to take me life so badly... When i am driving alone and when i pass by bridges i just want to speed up and slam my car in it!! BUT with my luck i probbly survive!! I tried being happy. I try to keep my self busy all the time but one minute i am alone i just get the most depressing feeling ever..I just don't know what to do anymore!! i given up all hope!!

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OK, I share your feelings. Or I should say I once shared your feeling. I tried to suicide at least 4 times before. I lived with depression that made everyday an ordeal. I was so tired of feeling the pain, the darkness. I figured, if I was a dog, and was in this much pain, you would put them down. So I did some research so that the next time I tried, I would be a "successful suicide". I had my plan, and I would play little games with myself, saying not today, next week. Not this week, next month. And I dragged myself farther down into the depths of despair. No one knew how bad I felt. No one knew my secret little pact with myself.

 

Then finally, one day, I woke up and something inside said "today is the day".

 

I don't really want to tell you what I did, because it should have been successful. Short of getting a gun, this was suppose to be a sure fire plan. I wrote a note- the first time I ever did. In my attempts before, I never left a note. And then I put my plan into operation. It should have worked.

 

It didn't. I lived. I was rushed into emergency as a 5150. After 22 hours in the emergency room (where I had my very own police officer standing next to my side the whole time) I was sent to a mental hospital. In handcuffs, in the back seat of a police car. I was on a 72 hour hold, put on suicide watch. Went before a judge who had a copy of my suicide note, and who looked at me and said "You were serious. You really shouldn't have lived. And I am extending your hold for another 72 hours and then I will re-evaluated your case then."

 

It took me a few days, but after a while I realized that it was a miracle that I had lived through it. I never believed in God before, because I had prayed so many times before for relief and never got any. When it dawned on me that through some (divine?) intervention, I was still here on planet earth, I started thinking why?

 

And then, a few nights later, in my room in the mental ward, I had some sort of spiritual happening. I felt the presense of God, I felt love, peace and comfort that I had never had before. And I came to realized that though I should be dead, I was saved, for some reason, and more than anything, I wanted to live. Whatever kind of life I had before, I felt that this miracle was bestowed on me, and not to be taken lightly.

 

That was the first miracle. There have been several more since that day. Now, even when things go wrong or I have a bad day, my mind never goes back into that dark space I inhabited before. I have been freed from my pitiful demoralized state of depression. I am glad to be happy and alive on planet earth.

 

I will pray for you. I know only too well how you feel. If someone had told me what my life would be like today, I wouldn't have had the faith to believe.

 

Have faith. YOU are HERE for a REASON, you just don't know it YET.

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I have become very close to suicide only twice.

 

I don't know what truly stopped me other than the sudden realization that I wasn't done yet, I still had goals I wanted to achieve, people I want to love that I haven't yet met, places I wanted to go.

 

I have also lost my mother and its heart breaking that you had to watch her suffering but you can beat this pain. We're all given the strength we need to overcome what is thrown at us, It isn't easy but you can do it.

 

What helped me afterwards was to surround myself with things that inspired me, motivated me, that I cared about etc. I put up posters, photo's, quotes all over my house and whenever I start to feel low, I turn to them.

 

Something else that helps me is a Life Coach, Anthony Robbins.

He's massive in US and I was a cynic before I started reading his books but he does teach you that you are able, we all are able to overcome anything.

Its worth googling anyhow because his books and tasks do help.

 

Take Care x

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  • 10 years later...

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