Stringing Myself Out - Heal or Hope?

[bruisednotbroken]

To All:

 

I have just taken a huge step backwards in my own healing process. Ex and I have been broken up for a few months...went through the typical stages: for a week or so I begged for her to take me back, then it went into a repeated pattern of seeing each other, having fun, me pushing for more and her backing away. Now we are in more of a no contact mode...she still calls and emails me (although much less now) and we have run into each other a couple times. The contact we do have is exactly as it should be: easy, fun, and suggestive. I have been having fun on my own even though I think about her all the time...and I am dating a girl VERY casually. There are mixed messages from her: it would seem that her heart is very much in love with me but her head is telling her to move on, to stick to our decision to break up. I obviously hang onto the positive message and try to think of a way to break the negative.

 

Today I learn that she is moving out of town (although not far away at all - 10 mins) and that she has gotten into grad school. All of a sudden I feel like I did a month ago...anxious, sad...like Im never going to get another chance...like she has completely moved on. Im not going to act on these feelings but I feel like Ive taken a huge step backwards in my own healing process.

 

She invited me to a party this weekend...she asked me this morning if I was still coming. I told her I wasnt sure if I was...but that I do want to go.

 

Should I go to the party? Am I stringing myself along? Should I just force myself to move on? Help me out people...Im hurting pretty bad. Thx, BNB

[eltee]

i completely feel your pain. i don't think you should go, yes, you are stringing yourself along and postponing the healing process. BUT then again, everyone heals at their own pace. remember that healing isn't always about going up in one direction... you will stumble, go back a few steps, go forward a few steps... it's all part of the healing process.

 

i was only hurting myself in my personal relationship (similar to yours), just throwing myself into a vicious cycle... and I reached a breaking point. and i let him go. no more communication, because it was too hard to be just friends. who's kidding who here...you know? remember to take care of yourself and your heart...know when to let go. letting go is quite possibly the hardest thing you can do, esp. when there was true raw feelings involved. but i sware, as the saying goes, if it was meant to be, it will come back...but you must let go. and trust me, in a few years, you will look back at this, with a whole new perspective... it won't hurt anymore...it will just be a part of your life (past) that means so much to you... and sometimes its better that way.

 

hope i could help

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Its time for you to love you, its time for you to move on and be happy. I have read many of your posts and you seem like a wonderful person who deserves happiness and security, this girl does not give that to you does she? No she keeps hurting you and you know it. Let this one go. Move on to bigger and better things. GO through the pain now, cut it loose while you can, and then you will be ready to start anew and be healed from this last relationship

[reflectionetrnl3]

i understand...i'm in the same situation. my ex, who i've shared 3 wonderful years with, wants me to come out to visit her. she talks of being back together again. she'll even pay for the plane ticket! i'm pretty much in the same boat with you. i'm guarding my heart from being hurt again.

 

we've been broke up for 6 months and haven't spoke for the last 3 months. now she calls everyday to, it seems, "catch up on things". she tells me she misses me and still has feelings for me, though i know she's dating someone casually- or are they. she never brings that up...although she has told me that she is not seeing anyone. i don't know what to believe.

 

though i still have an undying love for her and wanting for us to get back together, i have to take care of me. i have to make sure i won't put myself in a position of being hurt again. and i think thats what you have to do...take care of YOU.

 

i can't really offer much advice but to share the pain and hurt you're feeling. i'm there with u. the only thing i can say is to just make sure she knows how u feel for her and depending on whatever happens, take care of you first. when she comes to the point of knowing she lost a good thing..i hope you are moved on and happy. or if she comes to the point of wanting to be serious about being back with you...then hope it all works out.

 

ONE LOVE.

[bruisednotbroken]

Thanks for the replies...

 

eltee: I have not yet reached that breaking point - and the cycle is not quite vicious, although it can be confusing, saddening and painful. But it is endurable, as long as I make sure that I continue with my life and not dwell on what I dont have. I have let go in some ways...I've let go of what we had together so that if we do reconnect we do it because we love each other and not because we miss each other and what we had in the past.

 

Sweetypie: I do love me. There was a time there where all I questioned was myself and what I did to cause the relationship to end, but that is past. And I am happy...there are times of sadness and anguish, but they pass and when they do Im still there. Im not ready to give up on this...she means too much to me. And Im OK with that, for now.

 

Reflection: Sounds like you and me are trying to figure out whether its all worth it. I honestly believe it is...nothing so far has hurt me enough to stop loving her. Trust is something you and I are going to need to rebuild and nurture if we are to have a future with our exes. I think we also know who we are without our exes, which is essential. You and I will be able to give ourselves more to the relationship (or a futur relationship) because we have that strength...we shouldnt forget that. Im down with ONE LOVE...im gonna pass that on.

 

BNB

[latinstyle]

Bruisednotbroken, we are in the identical situation. One thing though is that me and my ex shared alot of bills. One of them is that we have 2 cell phones under my name and she still uses it. Yesterday, she went out and got another cell phone under her sister in law's name. We still talk daily and she told me about it today. I told her that it felt like she was trying to really move on and leave everything that had to do with me. (it was a weak moment on my part) Anyway, I told her she didn't have to do that because I had no problem keeping our phones on one bill. She told me she would not keep it if I didn't want her to but I told her it was her decision.

 

I have not reached the breaking point yet either, something in my heart tells me her and I are meant to be and I am not letting go that easy. 6 years together and we were headed towards marriage, not something to just walk away from.

 

How should I deal with the phone thing, am I worrying too much, advice is appreciated.

 

-Eibarra

[latinstyle]

Bruisednotbroken, we are in the identical situation. One thing though is that me and my ex shared alot of bills. One of them is that we have 2 cell phones under my name and she still uses it. Yesterday, she went out and got another cell phone under her sister in law's name. We still talk daily and she told me about it today. I told her that it felt like she was trying to really move on and leave everything that had to do with me. (it was a weak moment on my part) Anyway, I told her she didn't have to do that because I had no problem keeping our phones on one bill. She told me she would not keep it if I didn't want her to but I told her it was her decision.

 

I have not reached the breaking point yet either, something in my heart tells me her and I are meant to be and I am not letting go that easy. 6 years together and we were headed towards marriage, not something to just walk away from.

 

How should I deal with the phone thing, am I worrying too much, advice is appreciated.

 

-Eibarra

[bruisednotbroken]

Eibarra:

 

I've been reading your posts...sounds like you've been on a similar emotional rollercoaster that I have.

 

Regarding the phone...I kind of sense that you are kind of seeing it as a link between you and your ex. Dont think of it that way...you arent going to get back together because you share a phone bill and its not going to remind her of how she feels about you. Its just a phone...I'd would kind of be glad that she's off my bill. I wouldnt even think about it.

 

You and I both have a tendency to overanalyze the situation. We must avoid doing that...I have begun to make a mental list of all the things I know, the facts if you will. This way I dont need to think about them...I dont need to try and piece them together to solve the mystery. They become what they are, nothing more, nothing less. It frees up all sorts of energy and time to do other things, like live your life and have fun, make new friends...all that stuff. Go with the flow Eibarra...dont even think about the "getting back together" fantasy anymore, just live your life and everything you want will fall into place.

[latinstyle]

You're right about the phone thing. It's a type of artificial connection but that's what it is a connection. I know it's not going to keep us together or make us get back together but with her keeping the phone, it's kind of subconcsiously letting me know she doesn't want to move on to anything new. Maybe I'm over analyzing but we tend to do that when we want someone back.

 

The thing is that she asked that I give her a month or 2 of space to sort out her feelings and make sure she feels we are meant to be and I am trying but she is the one that calls often (which I don't mind one bit) it's just I am not going to tell her to stop calling me or tell her I don't want to hang out.

 

I don't get what you mean about making a mental note. It seems as though the worst thoughts won't leave my head like her with another guy.

 

???????

 

-Eibarra

[bruisednotbroken]

You should be mindful of that space and make sure she is getting it...she may not figure anything out if you are ALWAYS there for her. So I would make your own plans, do your own thing and not drop everything for her...I made that mistake a month ago and it bit me in the a$$. She will be all the more attracted to you if she sees you for what you really are, instead of the constant boyfriend she can decide to have or not.

 

I mean making note of the facts: she is confused, she loves me, she needs space, I need space, I need to relax, I need to enjoy this time while I have it (in the event of getting back together, I want to be sure that she is what I really want), I can deal with the pain, I can deal with the sadness, I can deal with being lonely, so what if she sees somebody else. Also, dont worry about her with another guy - she cant fall in love with another guy if she is in love with you - it will just help her see you for the loving person you are. You need to make note of all of that stuff so you can PROGRESS and not get bogged down in the minutia. Not heal necessarily - Im of the mindset that I have nothing to heal from - but to keep on keepin on.

[latinstyle]

Everything you say is right on but I must say it would be hard not being there for her right now when she needs me. It's hard when you care about someone so much that you're powerless and can't say no when they need something.

 

I did tell her that if she is seeing someone else, he should be the one to help her but she said, that she wasn't seeing anyone, she just talks to other people.

 

What's weird is that she already invited me to her family's house for Christmas like the past 5 years and we have been doing our Christmas shopping together. One thing that killed me was that I saw she had a hickey on her lower neck and I pointed it out.

 

We had a little argument about it but I told her that the only thing I could do about it was not talk to her anymore. I told her I thought so much of her that I didn't think she'd be doing that if she wasn't with anyone.

 

She says she can't get away from me and doesn't want to. She doesn't want me to move on, she just wants our relationship to be different and doesn't want to rush right into it. I think we both know we are meant to be but she feels she wants to be 100% sure.

 

The hardest part is knowing she talks to other guys and some other guy is necking her. That just kills.

 

-Eibarra