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im crazy for her, but she has baggage

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a few years ago i met this girl named jennifer. she was the proberbial "quiet girl" in class. the one that has the amazing IQ, is so talented an artist she has pictures in the city art mueseum, and only talks in monosyllables. somehow i got through her antisocial cloak and got to see the real jennifer and i really liked what i saw. so i asked her out. she said yes, and so i was very happy. of course it went downhill from there. in all the time we were going out, she never once let me hold her hand, and she never once wanted to hook up out of school, even though i asked. it was strange. on the last day of school, after much internal conflict, i broke up with her. we went to different schools the next year, so i didnt see her for a year until last september when she started at my school. now, she doesnt even talk to me at all. and the thing is, i still like her alot. of course, i found out why she is like she is. i dont know the details, but i guess she was sexually abused as a child. it sickens and disgusts me that someone would do something like that, especially to someone as inherently pure as jennifer. but now that i know why she is like she is, it only makes me want to reach out to her more, to help her if i can. what should i do?

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Hi dazedpunk,


I suggest that you are being VERY careful. If she really has been sexually abused then she has a VERY big wound. People that has been sexually abused usually don't trust someone very easy. Even at older age they have problems with trust and they will remain that in a more or less way.


What she really needs is time, space and a lot of patience and understanding. Be her friend for now and go by what SHE wants. I advise you not to force her into any situation she is not comfortable in.


I have to tell you this: what you probably will be facing, when you will enter in a relation with her, if that happens at all, is you walking on your toes over eggshells. You might find that she could take a single word the wrong way. You might see that most effort of the relation will have to come from you. That requires a very strong personality from your part. Are you ready for that?


What I am trying to say, is that it might be more convenient for you to stay on a friendship basis with her, unless/until she is ready for more.


Good luck!


~ SwingFox ~

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First, I think you have a great insight to understand that she is antisocial due to the fact that she was abused. This can put a great weight on one's capability of interacting with others, and everyone who goes through it handles it differently. There may be other unresolved and hidden issues you may be unaware of...

Your break up was due to what sort of internal conflicts? Maybe the reason she is hesitant to speak with you is a mixture of her mistrust to men and her fear of being hurt again by you. I do not mean this in an offensive way at all. All I mean is that maybe she was hurt and hasnt gotten a sense of closure from you.

I think before you try to jump back into a relationship with her, you need to be her friend again. You have had a past together so it is not odd of you to approach her and ask her how she is doing...make yourself more known to her. Talk to her more often now that she is back in your life. From the friendship, after it has been kindled, you can then tell her what you enjoyed about her and that you'd like to give it another try.

I warn you though. She may be emotionally unstable and you should prepare yourself for this. I hope you are not wanting to get involved with her to "save" her. This only leads to destruction. Many of my past relationships were me "saving" the other person and every time it lead to conflict and pain in the end. You cannot change anyone, you can only influence them. I think that your intentions to be with her are true, but I am just pointing out that many times people mistake their desire to be intimate with someone with their desire to "fix" them. It is a common mistake to make and one to easily overlook if you are not careful in how you view things and perceive them.

But in any case, I think jennifer needs a friend and I think you would be wonderful as such if nothing else. Just be aware of any dangers that may be present...and if yyu truly want to be with her, then things may blossom between you after you establish a friendship. Good luck!

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thanxs for the advice mermayd. its pretty good. no, im not trying to save her. i kinda realized that would be a disaster. actually, i decided to do something about trying to start to patch things up. i wrote her a letter pretty much saying that i dont like how she gives me the cold shoulder and that i still want to be her friend, and that i dont have a crush on her anymore (small lie). i gave it to her a week ago, and she hasnt responded or anything. also, there was one strange incident a while back. for about a week i was dating a girl named becky (big mistake, it lasted a week) i guess the day jenn found out, at lunch, she just walked up to becky, stared at her for a while, and walked on. what was that?

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