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Feeling of being trapped...


Caldus
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I feel like my true emotions are "trapped" inside of me whenever other people are around me. It's very hard for me to describe this. I want to feel happy, and I thought that in order to be happy, I would have to make more friends. The only thing that makes me somewhat happy anymore is programming on the computer. I know that it makes me happy because it is something I'm really good at it. At the same time, I feel left out in what real fun is. I've never had a truly fun experience with friends ever in my life. I've been out many times, but I realized a long time ago that these people were not the right people for me. So people tell me to find new people. I thought about this for a while and came to the conclusion that people like me would always be on the computer, so why bother looking around? It only makes sense. A person who is somewhat un-open with other people because they hate the feeling of pity and feel like they are just another insignificant person. I am the type of person that wants to be on top of everything. And because of this I don't want to appear like a normal person in the crowd but rather someone extrordinary. I know a lot about computers and always try to make the highest grades possible in every class (and I usually end up doing that), because I am so pompous (I guess that would be the right word) and utilize my free time by programming instead of doing what most other people do (which makes me feel 'weak' if I do what most other people are doing). It's just so hard to explain this trap of mine. I'm so trapped that I cannot even explain what this trap is without making myself feel week and commonplace. There's something inside me that wants to feel powerful in society. Like right now in college, one of the few thoughts that are swirling through my head is wondering whether I have an A in a class. I can't help it. And sometimes I think about what programming languages I should learn in order to be on top of everything for the next few computer science courses I'm taking. Another common thought in my head is how 'unconscious' I am and how I lack some common knowledge of things that prevent from me socializing with other people and having fun and not being looked at as some kind of stupid person.

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Thank you for your reply...

 

That is the problem that I am having; I am unable to find activities with other people that don't make me feel this way. So far, nothing. And I feel like I will never find something.

 

And I know very well that I'm only human, but I just can't stand being part of billions of people and seem to just take up space. I feel that if I cannot make myself prosperous in society then I might as well not be part of society. Not that I would ever want to kill myself...for I have much to learn about what is going on with this whole life thing...this consciousness...this little display that I feel has been set up exclusively for me...(and I feel that is how everyone else feels)...

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Hello!

 

I'm studying computer science too, and for first thing, I'll tell you: don't let your love for programming die. I lost mine a loooong time ago.

 

Now, if you want to be someone extraordinary, you might want to start being a little more like everyone, but better. If you want to be an extraordinary CS engineer, you still have to be a little like them, but better.

 

You sound like you really should get out more often... You have to do something else besides programming. Being good at something we love is nice but it doesn't make you an extraordinary person, it just makes you another random geek that spent too much time in front of the computer.

 

Watch some TV (the news for example), read this forum (good choice!), go to a nightclub, watch some movies (not LoTR, nor Star Wars, nor The Matrix*, that's what "most other people" see) and stop reading so much O'Reilly stuff! Read something else, even Hemingway is a good start! AND STOP READING eBOOKS! PDF's and PS's are not good for your mental health... And music, listen to something. Don't choose Linkin Park. Please...

 

This is the way we get common knowledge. By living the world. Not acting like a programmed machine.

 

You know, engineers who can't talk without writing something that begins with "printf(..." don't get the best jobs if they have to go through an interview...

 

How do you expect to have fun if you don't look for it? Try helping your friends. Share your knowledge, you might feel better and they might teach you something... I think you can believe this.

 

However, if you want to feel useful in your society, let me say that computer science is not the best choice... if you know what I mean...

 

Just say something back if you got confused. Better life for you 8).

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You might just be an introverted person. Introverts derive most of their energy and pleasure from focusing on more solitary type activities. Reading, playing computers, meditating, drawing, etc. Extroverts drive their energy and pleasure from interactions with others.

 

This isn't to say that a person of one type doesn't enjoy doing activities commonly associated with the other personality type. Its just that their preference is one or the other. I'm an extrovert, but I still really enjoy reading and walking alone. However if I had to choose, I would rather be with my friends. My wife is exactly the opposite. And we get into trouble all the time because neither of us truly understands where the other is coming from in regards to what we prefer to be doing. So we have to agree to disagree in many cases.

 

Does this help at all?

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ok, puma, what the hell is wrong with linkin park? except over-use of sampled sounds? and they aren't as heavy as i like. but seriously, caldus, find something YOU enjoy that can help you to relate to other people. it's like knocking a hole in a wall, then you can easily tear it down. i'm just using music as an example, you'll always find some other fans for almost any band- deftones, chili peppers, nirvana (if you're going to aviod LP, maybe nirvana isn't a great choice either), but (i hope) you get what i mean. If you want to be above the rest, you have to play in the same leauge- that's corny as hell, but it's true.

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Is anyone willing to talk to me about my problems? I don't want to talk if you don't want to. I'm feeling really trapped right now.

I am. I have added you to my MSN list. Hope to see you sliding up very soon

 

ok, puma, what the hell is wrong with linkin park? except over-use of sampled sounds?

Hey don't get me wrong, I have some (very little, lol) LP on my playlist! The problem is that [stereotype] when "real music" is said, we, the computer geeks, think: "Oh! Linkin Park! Right!" [/sterotype] . They are not very creative. You can sing their lyrics without even thinking about what they mean. Here is a well known counter-example: K's Choice.

 

I'm sorry if I offended someone, but LP just isn't the best choice if you want to begin socializing. I think. But sometimes I'm wrong. I don't want to discuss that in this forum

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