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He's black, I'm arabic (muslim)


jennicada

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So my bf of 5 months is black, I'm arabic, AND labelled muslim. However, we both consider ourselves atheist, I've been one for over 6 years now. I have confronted my parents then about my religious beliefs, and they did not want to hear it, it was forbidden that I believe something else. I'm falling head over heals for this guy, and I know my parents will NEVER approve of him. I lost my virginity to him, and I'm now feeling depressed as ever. I'm 21, he's 24, and I know I'm an adult and all, but if you understand Islam, you'll know that this sort of thing is 'forbidden'. In my P.O.V, I dont think it is. Has anyone had any success stories that have a similiar situation as mine?? (muslim arabic w/ non-muslim man??). I need words of wisdom

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You may never change your parents minds. So, you may have to choose between them and your bf. I know of a couple who were cousins and married. The family of one of them refused to attend the wedding and still does not want to recognize them as married, after a few children and years of marriage. The couple basically went on without the support of that family. It's not a nice thing to do, but it happens. From your post, it eems unlikely that your parents will accept your bf. Are you ready to go without their support? You may have to, but that may also be your path to happiness.

 

I think you should keep your relationship out of your parents eyes until you determine you are ready to go out and face them and the world with your relationship. Be ready to be rejected when it happens, but also be ready to stick by your man and make sure you kow he will stick by you. After sometime, your parents may come around. But don't depend on that to happen.

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Beec,

 

You said all the things I was going to! It's a shame that some people can't accept all people and their beliefs. This is a tough racial and religious issue, and I can't say I've ever been in the same situation. I can't imagine how difficult of a decision it will be for you in the future, but if I were you, I would keep your relationship with your boyfriend, perhaps not a secret, but at least low-key. When you feel that your ready to make a real commitment to him, that might be the time to bring it up.

 

And I feel that parents are there to raise you until you can care for yourself. If your 21, you should be close if not at the point where you can care for yourself. Even if you married an arabic man, you'd still be pulling away from your parents soon, so you might as well be with a man that makes you happy. Honestly, your parents may never understand, and they may refuse to acknowledge your marriage, but I'd look at it as thats their problem. I know you love your parents alot, and its hard to change the beliefs that you've been raised with, but if your an athiest you shouldn't have too much trouble.

 

Good luck to you. And keep us posted if you do talk to your parents.

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Well I can totally relate, I am not islam and my fiance is not black, BUT

In my familly it is pretty much "forbiden"

 

I am an aboriginal(native) canadian and my fiance is white,

I have been with him for 3 1/2 years now and my grandmother still doesn't approve of it, she is hatefull and mean to him and I feel so bad, but you can only please your parents so much right?

I tried to make it work and bring them together but she just hates him,

and because I wanted to make my grandmother happy (whom I was raised by) I almost lost my fiance until one day I had enough and said to myself "I only have one life and I am gonna make it what I want"

So I went to my grandmother and told her basically that she could do what she wants with her life and I am gonna do what I want with mine.

And if she respects me and my values then she would let it be, she of coarse didn't like that and got even worst, but after a while she came around and said she is willing to accept but it will take a long time.

 

My Fiance and I both have a heart that beats, eyes that can see, and we are both human there for we are the same, Nationalities has nothing to do with it.

Whether he was black blue purple or green there is no difference.

And if you love your man then you will do whatever it takes to be with.

Like I said it is your life and you are in control of it no one else.

 

I know you love your parents and all and respect them but they have to respect you as well, Don't throw it all away because of someone else you'll never be happy and will be in regret.

TRUST ME I have been there. [/b]

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  • 4 months later...
  • 3 years later...

Ok, I don't know what to say more than may Allah guide you and help you with your problem.

 

I know it is very hard for you to fall in love and then get rejections, I’ve been through it.

 

I loved a beautiful girl and got rejected because of a silly cultural matter. Can you believe that? And we are not together now.

 

Good and bad happens, I just want to tell you try to make him understand your religion and maybe Allah will guide him to you and will make him conceder Islam and then your family will know that he is serious about you and he really wants you.

 

After all, changes and sacrifices should happen from both sides, you know!

 

You’re the girl and it's harder for you to change and lose your family because after all you will need then around you and next to you in the future, but as a male I think he would be able to take the pressure.

 

All the love stories we read talks about how the man does the imposable to be with his women, so I hope he will turn out to be the same.

 

If he really wants to be with you, he will do the impossible to be with you.

 

If he doesn't, then you will be able to know that he wasn't worth the loses.

 

Think and try to talk to him through it.

 

Finally, all what I want to say, God is forgiving and pray and he will listen to you and forgive you when ever your honest. Keep praying and read about it. PM if you need more guiding.

 

You’re not the only one with mistakes or a broken heart and still, there is a way back to happy life.

 

Be strong and wise.

 

IT’S ALWAYS HARD AT THE BEGINGING, BUT IT GETS BETTER AFTER A WHILE.

 

A Brother.

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you may have to choose between them {your parents} and your bf

I disagree! I think you have to choose between yourself and your parents! They may, as beec said, never accept it, but you are 21 now, you are an adult, i.e. fully capable of decision-making, just (or almost) as capable as them. It is your life, and you have to make yourself happy. They are the ones putting the pressure on, not your boyfriend or anyone else.

 

If you refuse to submit to your parents' wishes and go with your boyfriend, and they refuse to support you, it is them that's making that decision, and damaging the family, not you. You are all adults - equals - now, and they can't be forbidding you from doing things.

 

if you understand Islam, you'll know that this sort of thing is 'forbidden'

One of the great things about atheism is that stuff like that is never forbidden!

 

But enough militant talk, I know you want to do what makes everyone happy. And your bf might have to accept that your parents will never accept him and he should understand that. But your parents should also understand that you're a fully grown adult. They should love you regardless of the decision you make.

 

All I'm saying is that you shouldn't do anything bad for yourself because of whether other people will approve or not. Really they are the ones who should be on this forum... And they might get used to the idea anyway... and it might open their minds and it'll be a learning experience for all!

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I think that losing your parents is not an easy thing. Parents are parents, even if you totally disagree with them, in most cases, they are just trying to protect you, not harm you. You must be sure that you are doing the right thing because you wouldn't want to have any regrets later.

 

From my experience, age changes people. I think that as you grow older, even if it was a year or two later, things will start changing and you will have different views regarding different subjects.

 

Keep the guy, but don't make the decision just now; you're still young and maybe you'll discover later that perhaps this was not what you want. I've seen a lot of friends go through that.

 

Take your time..

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  • 2 months later...

hi the first thing i want to tell you is may allah the most high guide you what can i say,this dunya [life] just for a period of of time .just short time allah he will give life and he will take it when he chooses mohamed peace be upon him said the people who they are now in there graves if there was one thing they could do .surely it would be coming back to this life and living the life of a muhmin true believer mohamed peace be upo n him said pray and live everyday like it is your last what will we say to allah the most great when he asks us about our deeds the true believer now as you rerad these words they are crying for allah to forgivre them to give mercy to them .give blessings to them .to raise them high on the day of judgement .when the angels of death come munkir and muneer and ask you what you believed who was your prophet . i know how you feel ,islam really is a beautiful religion and i believe somewhere in you , you know that .i believe you are walking your path and allah he is giving you your tests islam is great people change the rules but islam is great allah is great he greater than you and me he is greater than than your boyfriend he is greater than your parents allah he knows your every thought ,he knows your struggles he knows who you are even when others dont he knows when you just cant take it anymore .he created you and kept you within your mothers womb and then when he willed she gave birth to you how beautiful you are when you stand with dignity when you stand with faith when you know what your purpose in life is oh allah is great your parents believe me they know you =even if you feel they dont thewy raised you when you were small ,fed you .clothed you .sacrificed there tears to raise you and until you become a mother you will not understand that maybe you never saw her cry maybe you never saw her really look at you for you .but she did she just never let you see one day your parents will not be here like everyone so look at them with the highest of respect and honour them serve them help them listen to them they are everything to you /what is love what is love im wondering i want to tell you i believe that you have something inside of you where you know about what is halaal and haram dont waist your life dont worry about your mistakes just keep on walking lift yourself up and keep on walking and pray to allah ask him to give you serenity to give you peace and seek his forgiveness seek his mercy ask him to bring the light to your heart i believe you know that you have to leave him but you are trying to keep it together you know what to do .,do it go to your mother and kiss her hand and tell her you love her tell her you miss her tell her you need her

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She's an atheist. She doesn't want to pray to Allah for help, she wants to actually do something that will make a difference

 

I guess the most realistic thing for you to do unfortunately is wait until you have the means to move out on your own to confront your parents if you feel you'd be in any sort of physical danger by telling them or if you think they could kick you out.

 

Once you're independent then you can do what you want and if they can't accept him and you truly feel really strongly about him, then you can ask them to kindly get the hell out of your life so you can be happy.

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I knew of a similar problem... where the mother wouldn't accept her son's girlfriend for kind of the same reason... I am muslim (as is my friend) and i wouldnt say im very very religious, but i do pray everyday and read up on my religon and ask questions all the times when i go to mosque...

 

The thing is you shouldn't have to choose AT ALL, i know it was said you have to choose between your parents and him... and then it was a choice between what your parents want and what YOU want... but it all comes down to one thing... YOUR happiness. You are mature and know whats right for you, you've saved your virginity for quite some time and that alone is impressive (to me atleast). It seems like you know that this relationship is whats good for you, and will truly make you happy... If you think about it, thats what your parents would want isnt it? For their daughters happiness, and the family will determine her happiness with the realization that the man she marries will be able to support her,care for her, and love her.

 

But to me, our middle eastern traditions have unfortunately looked down upon any other race other than middle eastern muslims, when some of the worst husbands on earth are middle eastern. I know some middle eastern islamic marriages that left girls and guys with broken hearts. These "arranged marriages" to me feel like compromises of our LIVES.

 

I know our parents deserve our utmost respect, and I give them no less than that. However, I have lived for my parents, studied hard in school, earned the respect of others and given them the ability to proudly announce "thats my son and im proud of him", i do it all for them, but theres two things in life you do for yourself... and thats decide who you want to marry, and choose your career. You shouldnt let anyone else force u into making those two decisions.

 

Your parents gave you life, held your hand as you walked, cared for you, and brought you up. Only to make these two decisions, your career and marriage... They make decisions for u all through out your life, but for me, they wont be making these 2 decisions, I'll be the one making them. Parents should be happy with what you do as long as it brings a smile to YOUR face; not be happy based on what other middle eastern muslims say about your family... if the reason they're agaisnt it is because of the immense amount of gossip that will happen and constantly have to hear "omg Mohammads daughter married a black man" and be ASHAMED of that, then with all due respect, your parents should be ashamed of themselves for putting what others think of you before your very life.

 

If you want a success story, then ill be happy to let you know that my friend who's mother wouldnt accept his gf eventually did... Only because his father was the most openminded man I had ever met, he could tell his father anything... and his father showed ME something... he showed me how the love between a family should be, and for the father and mother to not only be happy, but to CHERISH anything in life that makes their son smile... and i dont mean a smile as in the smile u get when u stuff cotton candy in your mouth... im talking about when its not your lips that smile, its your heart that smiles. His father convinced his mother to accept the girl and she was eventually ok with it. I remember being in the car so long ago with my friend as he told his father about the girl and how he was afraid that his mom would tear the two apart, and the father said this (not exactly but u get the idea)

 

"Dont worry about your mom, ill take care of her, she just loves you too much, she's too emotional, but i can speak to her only when the time comes. But i want you to promise me that you will not tell this girl you'll marry her, you are only 18 and things can change, i dont want you to have to break a promise to her, if you DO however still feel the same way about eachother when the time for marriage comes, then ill be right behind you, but things CAN change, thats why you shouldnt promise something as big as marriage"

 

My friend is engaged with her now

 

I hope this post helped, and i apologize for the following

 

1. Spelling and grammer

2. If anyone took any offense to anythign I said about middle eastern tradition, not ALL traditions look down upon other races

3. if anyone took offense to anythign else i may have said

4. If anyone believes this post is too long

 

 

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I DONT KNOW IF YOU HAD NOTICED BUT WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT A MALE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A FEMALE AND IN ISLAM IT IS NOT ABOUT BLACK OR WHITE WOMEN ARE ISLAMICLY ARE NOT ALOUD TO Marry from another religion that is only aloud for muslim men and secondly since when did allah swt allow us to sleep with someone before marrige the girl has lost her virginity that is what she said .3RD SHE DID SAY ISLAMIC ADVISE OR OTHER AND I DONT THINK ANYONE NEEDS TO TAKE UP ANYTHING WITH ANYONE EXCEPT WITH ALLAH SWT

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I DONT KNOW IF YOU HAD NOTICED BUT WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT A MALE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A FEMALE AND IN ISLAM IT IS NOT ABOUT BLACK OR WHITE WOMEN ARE ISLAMICLY ARE NOT ALOUD TO Marry from another religion that is only aloud for muslim men and secondly since when did allah swt allow us to sleep with someone before marrige the girl has lost her virginity that is what she said .3RD SHE DID SAY ISLAMIC ADVISE OR OTHER AND I DONT THINK ANYONE NEEDS TO TAKE UP ANYTHING WITH ANYONE EXCEPT WITH ALLAH SWT

 

she also said she is an atheist, in other words, she is not muslim, yet she still has to base her life decisions off of the religon which is wrong. Atheism is a religon, and you cant make someone else base their life off of a religon that they do not follow.

 

If your daughter were to grow up to realize that islam is not what she believes, but its christianity and he converted while the parents were muslim would he have to pray 5 times a day? would u make him participate in ramadan? No because its not his religon. What makes you think he should?

 

so answering yuor post...

 

1. WOMEN ARE ISLAMICLY ARE NOT ALOUD TO Marry from another religion that is only aloud for muslim men

 

I know this, but once again she is atheist, and to me this "rule" is sexist. So it shouldn't apply to her decision because she is not muslim.

 

2.secondly since when did allah swt allow us to sleep with someone before marrige the girl has lost her virginity that is what she said

 

Same thing again... she is not muslim, it is not of her concern to follow the rules of a religon that she doesnt believe in. She does not HAVE TO follow islamic rules just like she doesnt have to follow hindu and buddhist rules.

 

3.3RD SHE DID SAY ISLAMIC ADVISE OR OTHER AND I DONT THINK ANYONE NEEDS TO TAKE UP ANYTHING WITH ANYONE EXCEPT WITH ALLAH SWT

 

....what?

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  • 6 years later...

Your post is confusing to me . You say - "but if you understand Islam, you'll know that this sort of thing is 'forbidden'." . If you are an athiest (as you claim) then it does not matter for you what is forbidden and what is acceptable in Islam , does it habibty ? Also, your parents must accept you first before accepting your boyfriend that your true belief is what is in your heart, not what you pretend to believe outside for whatever reason . So your parents should understand that if you dont have iman in your heart then according to their religion (Islam) you are nomore muslimah regardless they do or dont want to hear it from you and you pretend to be muslimah for them. To me, all women in the world should choose to marry whoever she wants/prefer , if it does not work out later then plenty of fishes in the ocean. if you ask me I personally seen one couple , Arab girl married to american black guy, but I dont know whether it was successful or how long it lasted as I lost contact of them.

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I am in the same situation. I am also Arab and Muslim and actually been in the states for only a four years. I have been dating a white guy for over a year now and my parents don't know a thing.

 

I think it is interesting that you are feeling terrible after having sex with him. Maybe you are not as "atheist" as you think you are. Trust me, I feel you. It's a tough religion. And even though I don't pray, I do drink occasionally and I do have a boyfriend. I however did not have sex with him. I believe that our religion and tradition is so engraved within us that some "shame" factors just don't simply go away. I truly believe that if I were to have sex with my man, everything would be different and I won't be the same person anymore with all the guilt. Don't get me wrong, I do other things but I just do not cross that line. And he knows that about me. He is understanding and has never forced me into anything. What about your man? Food for thought.

 

With that being said, you seem very brave for standing up to your parents so I don't think they are the problem here. I do believe that at the end of the day, they would want your happiness and so they will soften with time. This leaves you and your man.

 

It's all about you here. Is he the one? Don't feel obligated to stay with him just because you've lost your virginity to him. Just take some time to think and don't rush into anything. Whether it works out or not, everybody makes mistakes. That's how you learn and move forward. If you love him, it's all for the best. And remember, when is it finally okay to start living your life for you and not your parents?

 

Good luck hun.

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