His Mom might be uninviting me to family get together!!!

[ameliamolly]

I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. I am 34 and he is 30. Things have gotten much more serious over the last 1-2 months and I have not met his parents yet. I know that this is mostly because they live 3 hours away and I am not sure if he was comfortable having both of us visit for an extended period of time. His Mom asked him if I would have liked to join them for a Thanksgiving get together which was held 11 hours away that would have had his entire family there. He told me said to her "I don't want to subject her to having to stay in a house with 20 relatives for 4 days when meeting the family for the first time." I understood this and thought it would have been a bit much for the first introductions.

 

His family is holding a reunion/christmas party at a resort about 6 hours away this weekend and he mentioned it to me about a week ago. His Mom once again asked him to invite me and told him that I was welcome to come. When he asked me he said "I am not sure if this would be too much for you to deal with -meeting my family under these circumstances". But he said he'd like me to go if I felt comfortable with it. We would be staying for 2 nights at the resort in separate rooms (because his family wouldn't want us to "sleep" together and I understand that) so I would be sharing a room with his Grandmother. When he asked me to go I told him it sounded like a nice time and I would think about it. He hadn't brought it up again until this past weekend and I thought about and decided that I would go with him.

 

I am self employed and had to rearrange my whole schedule because I would be missing work on Thursday and Friday to go with him. Last night he told me that he called his Mom to let her know that I would be attending and her response was "I need to discuss this with your father, I'll let you know if it is ok" and he was a bit upset with her since she had already invited me.

 

Needless to say I was a little upset about this. Not so much towards him, but just in general because now I feel slightly uncomfortable going because of her response. When is she planning on telling me if it is ok? I feel like it is kind of unfair to do this once I rearranged my schedule. Not sure if I am actually welcome and I think I might feel a bit awkward going at this point. I was thinking about just telling him that I won't be going, but I don't want him to think I am rejecting him. I am also fearing rejection from her if she says "no, I can't go."

 

How do I handle this? I am getting the feeling it might be better if I just stay home. I am afraid that I will feel like and unwelcome outsider for the 3 days if I do go with him if his mom should say it's OK that I go. Any advice or points of view on this would be appreciated. This guy is very important to me and I don't want this to cause any problems between us.

[avman]

Hello ameliamolly,

 

I wouldn't completely write off the family get together just yet. After all, if his mother invited you previously she must have wanted you to be there. Maybe there is something else going on (like a fight between his mother and father, or money problems, or whatever) that is unrelated to how she feels about you. Maybe the reservations have already been made and his mom has to figure out how to fit you in at the resort.

 

I guess my point is, don't just to any conclusions just yet. It may have nothing at all to do with them not wanting you to come.

[The Morrigan]

I agree as far as waiting it out - she may have turned someone else down, or be worried everyone who is in a relationship will wonder why their significant other wasn't invited and be concerned about making waves in the extended family as a result. It's hard to say without knowing the full extended family dynamic; she's probably also under a lot of stress dealing with the various people (and probably some eccentricities) involved, so I wouldn't take it personally yet.

 

You never know what's come up since, she could just want to talk to her husband and make sure they can handle any bruised feelings from others diplomatically, but if this is the second event she's invited you to, chances are she wants to meet you, and is having more logistical problems accomodating her wishes. (Problems she may not have thought would come up when she initially extended the invitation)