Never had sexual desire for Wife

[niknik]

My son has been married 3 years and from the very first sexual encounter he says there is no desire to have sex with her. He says he has had many sexual encounters and knows the difference. He married and thought it would just happen or grow with time. My question is if you never had desire for someone is there a way to optain desire where there is none or is it futile. nick

[routerx]

I think the key is to focus on the loving part of it. I think chemestry is very important, but when that is not there, I would suggest to focus on your love of that person and by loving them, you will want to please them.

 

So, yes, you are putting their pleasure before your own, but I think that is the best way to make love anyway.

[avman]

Well, possibly its a medical problem. Maybe he could see a doctor just to rule out something like that.

 

I guess I'm very curious why he married her if he had no desire for her in the first place.

[Gilgamesh]

Well I have to assume that he married her because he loves her, and the reason he confided in you is because its a problem he wants to solve because he loves her. but just doesnt have the sexual desire he wishes he had.

 

This could be a physical thing like Avman said, and he should get a good checkup, to make sure everything is in balance.

 

If that clears, and i think it will because you said that, he never had problems with sexual desire in other women, it is more likely a psychological problem, and although I have a couple of ideas of what they may be, its best that a proffessional diagnose and treat him.

 

Ask him not to be afraid of therapy, when you get a cold, you go to the doctor, when you have a psychological problem you go to another doc.

no difference.

[niknik]

My son says their is no medical problem, he has had sexual encounters before and knows the difference between his sex with his wife and other partners. As for another question. Why did he marry her, well he states he she was all you could want in a woman , very attricative, level headed , educated , great family, non -combative , etc. and he thought that the desire would come ( being only 24 yrs. old ) and he would feel passionate towards her. He also said they stopped having sex for 9-10 months leading up to the wedding and for him in hopes that would trigger desire. Last but not least He did not tell me any of this problem , if he would have i might have preventd the marriage , and i did ask him about there relationship before marriage and , as a lot of children do he said it was fine. nick

[avman]

I guess in that case I'd go with Gilgamesh's advice and have him see a therapist. Maybe there is something psychological going on that is preventing his desire. Your son says its nothing medical - but has he actually gone to the doctor and told him his specific problem?

 

Is he taking any depression medication? Many of them will absolutely kill sexual desire.

 

Try all of that first. But if he really married her because she'd make a good wife, rather than actually being in love with her and desiring her then he may have married for the wrong reason.

[niknik]

I thank all for the responses. First he is is seeking therapy and has been to doctor ( clean bill of health ) he is taking no medication. He would really like to save his marriage but thinks there is little hope since he says he has never had and for 3 years has never had desire for her. thanks nick

[Gilgamesh]

Yeah i dont want to sound to Freudian here, but my guess he psychologically see his wife as a "mother" figure, understand?

[niknik]

Bingo something i thought of also. I dont know much about that subject , but she is nothing like his mother. Dont know if that has any bering on anything. thanks nick

[niknik]

Sorry i did not answer the question on did he tell the doctor his lack of desire with his wife. I asked him that very question and he said he told him, the doctor advised him he should seek therapy and that his blood test and exam were good. His therapy is to start on tuesday 12/9/03 . Thanks nick

[dfcannon]

Therapy is an admirable and honorable thing to try, in order to save this marriage and live up to this commitment.

 

However, as a guy, I know that some women drive me wild with desire, and others give me little or not desire at all. It's kinda chance, too, because it has more to do with sexual chemistry than body type or hair color or anything like that. What I'm saying here is that nothing is turning up at the doctor's because he sounds perfectly normal. I suggest that you, as a mother, need to be supportive of his efforts to change, but be careful not to put him down or say he has some kind of "problem." The biggest problem he has, in my opinion, is that he overlooked sexual chemistry when he chose a wife, in a well-intentioned but NAIVE attempt at caring only about the person underneath. That sounds fine to say, but it's not reality, I'm afraid. I've seen studies showing that sex is the #1 deal-breaker when marriages fail.

 

In my opinion, again, I think therapy may work if the therapist can reorient his thinking, but if the focus on therapy is finding out what the heck is wrong with the failure of a man, well, the therapist will only succeed in planting some false thoughts of inadequacy in his head. Therapy...getting inside someone's head...is tricky and requires a very delicate and sophisticated therapist.

 

So, please be careful in how you talk about and handle this situation. It may be best to end this marriage and let these people be with people who satisfy their sexual needs.