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A chance for me at all?


sleepers
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Hi all,

Hopefully someone reads this and respond to me. My bf and i broke up a few days ago. he left the country for his holidays, and so, i was left thinking about the things that happened. Good, bad. And so on..

 

I felt the breakup could be avoidable and it mainly occurred because of me. He fell in love with me for my independent self, for my character and so on. Slowly however, i lost myself. I try to fit into this shoes of a person that wasn't me already. I tried to be a person that will make him happy and lost myself.

 

I became attention-seeking, insecure, possessive. All those that I never was before he knew me. I only knew that when he left me alone to think about it. 4 days of thinking, i finally realized what went wrong. My ex (so to say) came back from his short holidays and called me. I told him i realized all the things.

 

Expectations, tension, communication etc.. i told him it wasn't balanced out and i expected much more from him that the relationship became lop-sided. i knew that he wanted a break up for very good reasons - mainly, i wasn't the person he fell for and he didn't feel the security with me around.

 

How do i make him feel secure? To him, i am drifty and he finds it pointless to continue trying to be with me as he constantly needs to make me feel secure. BUt i m secure already, but just acts drifty. That's all. How can i send this positive message out to him during this period of time?

 

I cannot imagine nothing has happened. There are problems. The problems with the me trying to be another person. I don't deny it. I can't imagine him accepting me telling him that i am changed now in 4 short days.

 

Wat can i do to tell him that the me, he used to like is indeed 'back'. It sounds so weird right? But yup, that's what is happening right now. Both of us love each other, but can't be together for multiple reasons. Mainly my fault.

 

If i wanted to start afresh with him, i don't know where to go about. He say he's over with this relationship. I said fine because he was over with the me that wasn't the me. But just wait for me to find back myself and decide if you still want to love me then.

 

He calls me when he gets back. Calls me when he's home. Alright, i accepted it. I want him to know he knocked me out of my senses. I see our future together because he's a stable guy. I can't be as stable as he is. And he can't see the future with me. wat can i do about this?

 

I am totally wrecked up by this. He was the only guy that has ever been so patient and forgiviing when he's with me. The only guy that i can ask for. Right now, i just lost him. But i am trying to win him back. Any suggestions??

 

I don't ask for him to accept me immediately. but at least, pple who's been there and in similar positions right now, pls tell me what i can do. I have been reading self-help books right now. Including one by Sue Ellen Page, How can One of you bring the two of you back together. i truly believe there's something in this for me. Though really tough for me to fight it out alone because i lost it. ANy encouragements or suggestions?

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I've read your post quite a few times. It's not a simple situation. I think it is a situation that a lot of people experience.

 

I can only give you advice based on my experience in life.

 

You cannot and should not, try to get someone to "feel" love. You should not do things to try to get someone to love you. Love must blossom naturally.

 

Focus all of your energy back into yourself. Be kind to him. Ultimately, he will make the choice because ONLY he can make the choice.

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You said things that all my pals have said to me. Cos they see me feeling so upset in this because of him. N it pains them to see me crying and not sleeping at all. The guys told me to find a more mature guy because they can understand what i am going through ( i m 20 but rather mature in handling matters, at times, for a 20 yr old; and he's 21). Even though the guys said that, i feel that even though he's 21, he's mature enough for his age. Or rather the better ones that i can find. to the girls that he knows n i know, we all agree that a guy of his virtues is hard to come by. But i didn't hang on to it tight enough or did i hang on to it so tightly tat it snapped?

 

I will try to see if i can work things out single-handedly. Not trying to get him to love me but to see me in a different light - which will be really difficult.

 

Things are a bit in a mess right now because he gives my brother tuition too and he comes over to my place. and we stay 5 mins apart and we study in the same school. No doubt i m attracted to him, he has his right to want to break up with me. i accepted it but am not ready to move on.

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sleepers,

 

Guys get paranoid just like women. I mean who wants to get back into a realtionship and invest years of your feelings just to break up? Not me or anybody for that matter. You made your ex feel very insecure in which you did not elaborate for me to understand the full story. I've been there, nothing pushes a guy away more than a woman making him feel insecure.

 

There is something that you are not doing to make him feel secure. As a result look at the your situation now. This is a very distructive pattern for you and your ex. Some how, some way you must be consistent with your behavior patterns.

 

Break-ups are so complicated, you never truly know what the other is thinking.

 

Do not push the issue of getting back together with him.

Do analyze the relationship of what went wrong and change your ways.

Do not contact him on a regular basis, give him some time to sort things out.

He still loves you, but he is also protecting his feelings for future pain.

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Hi sleepers,

 

I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm still coping with a breakup, which happened for a lot of the same reasons you mentioned.

 

I know that this soon after a breakup, it's hard to grasp, but at the very least you should take a break. Trust me, I know how desperate you might feel, but that very desperation might hurt your chances.

 

I'm guessing that you understand WHY you turned into someone you weren't. At least I hope you do, because I can't tell you that. If there are any questions in your mind, if it feels like some mysterious unexplainable phenomenon, then go back over your relationship with yourself and figure out what caused it.

 

There is also simply a process by which you must accept what has happened. It has to sink in before you can do anything else. There are different ways to deal with a relationship gone bad, and unfortunately he felt the only way to deal with the bad relationship was to terminate it. I'm not saying that everything is over with him, but he has a point when he says he's over with the relationship. In this case, you have to start from scratch with a whole new relationship, and if you're feeling insecure right now, it's going to be bad. It's understandable that he doesn't want to be put through the pain. What you should do is to work through your problems yourself, or with a therapist, but OUTSIDE a relationship. It will give you the opportunity to distance yourself from the relationship and see it more objectively. It could also make you look very attractive in his eyes, if you let him know that you are resolved to do the right thing.

 

A postscript: I want you to know that you are quite lucky that you realised what was wrong so early after the breakup. It took me 3 MONTHS before I realised that a lot of the problems in my relationship were my fault, and for that entire time, I was trying every imaginable thing wrong to get my ex back. It's been 6 months now, I took a break, and only now do I think that I objectively have a chance. It's just crazy enough to work. So don't lose hope.

 

--Rager

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