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Yay for never having a girlfriend. Sure, you've heard that countless amounts of time (the audience for this has now been determined). I feel depressed. Not hopeless, but just an empty and frustrated kind of depression. Allow me to point out that people are just so stupid. Martin Luther King Jr. is correct when he says that America is inherently evil. Like in my Precalculus class today: these people would not shut up. They kept bothering the poor professor about how they missed a test. Last I heard, if you don't go to class often, you will miss tests and you will not and should not deserve to make it up. Only fair I suppose. Maybe not. Who knows what's right in this dreamy world. We have these little eternal truths that are so called 'right.' How are we supposed to judge what is right if we don't know precisely what that concept is? Not that killing someone should be right...but exactly why would I be considered the right one if I didn't miss the test? I know exactly why I don't have someone to cuddle up to and someone who will care and see through my eyes. I don't smile in front of people and I am not muscular. I know that I am skinny and somewhat good looking according to people I've talked to, but I understand...girls have no reason to look at me...our looks are so deceiving to people. There is nothing eye-popping about me for them to look at me. I know a great deal of computer programming, but is that exciting? Not even I think it is...it is simply my chosen forte to work with for the rest of my life. Can you tell how sick I am of this world? I try to 'abstractize' everything and end up spitting about a bunch of incoherent garbage. I'm tired of being a part of something that I don't even fully understand...this reality...this so called 'life'...I feel like I am being set up by something. Especially with the girl issue...I feel like I am being set up with this...almost like an experiment and I am the test subject. But wait, we're not supposed to believe in things like that because we are so closed minded and try to materialize and solidify everything. Maybe I am sitting here thinking very strange thoughts because I was never taught anything during my childhood...at least not anything that I should've been taught. I am social outcast now because of this...everyday more evidence is carried out...people ask me if I heard a certain song...I say no...they say...wow you are like so unconscious. I just seem like I lack common sense and some common knowledge that is necessary in order to hang out with other people AND (get this)...have fun. I feel like that my mom dropped me when I was a baby and now I am socially dumb. Of course I know a lot of programming...I can understand and apply anything to do with that within seconds...why can't I do the same with social situations?

 

With lack of love comes depression

The majority is ignorant

By not smiling, not talking, and not thinking about thoughts on the deep end

I feel like I am being set up as if I were an ant

Something continues to hold me in

But I guess that it is good that I am currently in a rant

So that people can see the flow of my thoughts and determine what is 'right'

But the true meaning of this life is out of sight

 

It rhymes...concept of rhyme...just another concept that is made up...if I wasn't human and didn't lack brain power, then I could think of some phenomenal things. But wait...if I weren't human, then I wouldn't have the same kind of consciousness, life, whatever...something totally new to us would take place...something that could be incomprehensible to us.

 

[EDIT]

I would like to apologize if I offended anyone with this...I am just trying to release my frustration...and I know that this isn't a healthy nor 'right' way to do it...

[/EDIT]

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Why don't you choose friends that share the same interests that you do so it won't be such a struggle to socially fit in. That would be the easier way. You were put on this earth to live, and live you must so you might as well try to live happy and stay out of the dark hole of depression. No one said life was fair or easy, but we all have to make the best of it. I certainly know that I have not been dealt a fair hand, and I have had numerous problems and I have cried and cried and dug deeper in the dark hole of depression to the point I nearly committed suicide not once but 3 times. I don't want that to happen to you or anyone else. I hope things get better for you. Be yourself!

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Caldus - actually I think this is a very healthy and "right" way to deal with your feelings! AND I have to say that your poem at the end I found very interesting. I understand what you are saying. I can feel it in your words, Ive felt it too. A total loss and confusion, the more you know the less you know.

 

Yeah hey programming may not lead to the best social skills, but partying doesn't lead to a good career. I deffinately focused more on my social attributes in hs and college, now I realize that I missed alot of learning opportunities b/c I was too "cool". Social skills are very similair to programming skills, you work it until you get it. You have made programming a priority, so youre good at it. You will reap benefits from this skill! OK so you stay socially compromised for the next 10 years, keep thinking, working, going to school. 10 Years later - Dude youll be makin 6 figures! NOW the beauty is that if you have $ you don't really need muscles or social skills. It is a SKILL you have put work into, and it will pay off. Youll have a ton of women who will want to date you, and the knowledge to keep the junky ones away.

 

Keep on working it, understanding, listening, thinking! Be real! In the moment! You learn much more from listening than from talking.

 

Good luck! and remember, you are not alone!

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