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Recently broke up after 5 years, with 19 month old child


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Hello all,

 

My wife to be recently broke up with me after 5 years of being together. During those five years we've had a lot of ups and downs. A lot of negatives but we've also had a lot of great times together. She acknowledges the fact that we did have a lot of good times, which is why it's so difficult for her to leave.

 

She's from another country and on a totally different coast (West coast, US) and I'm in Toronto, Canada. We've broken up once before, in 2000. I broke up with her because there was so much going on in my life (I had just moved back to Toronto, was trying to find a new place, new employer, etc etc.) We sort of neglected one another. I was under the impression she would be visiting shortly, but that never happened. She got closer with her friends from work and started hanging out with them until all hours of the night. She would call me at 3-4am and tell me she got home and was just saying goodnight. (I had work in the morning, mind you). I lost my cool and got jealous because I felt I was being ignored and that she spent too much time with all her guy friends. That was my first mistake.

 

Now, I have several issues that I didn't fully understand until we broke up this time. One of which is I lash out when I'm hurt or angry.. and because of that, I told her that I was leaving and basically broke up with her. It wasn't until a week later that it hit me. I dropped EVERYTHING and flew out to the west coast to try and fix things. By this time there was another guy involved (Although I learned he was already sort of involved and indirectly manipulating her before we broke up) and that just make it much harder to deal with. It took me like 8 months to finally win her heart back.. And I feel it was only because the other person only seemed interested in getting inside her pants more than anything.

 

During that entire time, she told me how she wanted someone who was more like her.. and that I had never been that person. She made it seem like that person was perfect for her. She eventually realized it was a mistake and a rebound --- She was taking her feelings for me and transfering them to him. Their relationship didn't last very long nor get very far. It was very rocky. I tried to comfort her and be her friend even when she was trying to get together with this other person.. I even helped at times. I wanted her back more than anything.. She knew that. She said she wanted to work on our relationship at some point in the future as well, but for now she needed to do other things. Always claimed she wasn't ready for another relationship, but she was doing just that. Anyway, we got back together in Aug 2000. We had a baby since then and we've come back east since I couldn't work in the US as easily.

 

This haven't been very peachy while here.. I spent the first year or so coping with the fact she slept with someone else and didn't even tell me about it until after we had gotten back together and were about to have a baby. Eventually, the feelings of guilt for having sex with her wore off (After I got over the other guy). I've always seen a lot of problems with her.. She has depression and has been seeing a shrink off an on to help deal with it.

 

The shrink, friends and family normally tell her that she should leave.. Because of our problems. We both know that our relationship isnt' the cause of the depression.. That was something that happened in her childhood. But the relationship wasn't helping it at all. I'm a very controlling person, jealous, over protective... and I never put in the energy when it mattered. Unfortunately, all those times I said I would change I never knew /how/ or what I needed to change. I always assumed it was her that needed the changing. I now realize my problems and that I need to fix them with a shrink.. I do so because I don't like the person I've become. Not because I want to win her back by changing.

 

Luckily, she can see through most of my faults.. She knows that things would improve, even if they didn't after the first time we broke up. What hurts, though, is that she says I am not what she needs right now. She has this image in her head about what the person she should be with should be like.. and I'm not that image.. nor have I ever been according to her. She says that during our relationship she thought she should just settle because it was silly.. She might never have found that person.. It could have been a child hood fantasy. The problem is, she spoke with her friends about it and they (3 of them) convinced her that it wasn't silly. She hasn't said that I will never be that person.. She's admited that it may change when she changes. It's possible that when everything sinks in, she'll feel differently.. But right now, the only thing she seems focused on is leaving.

 

She's leaving in a week and a half. Her mother is coming to pick up her and they're driving back to the west coast. They're taking the baby for a brief period of time but she wants me to watch the baby for 8 months or so until she can be settled and figure herself out. She lost her identity and never got to find a career for herself or live on her own and be independent. She's 21... Quite a young age to become a mother. I should have been more supportive and watched the baby more often then I had, so she could do stuff for herself.. But I never did. Well, I didn't do it often enough. She sort of resents the baby at this point.. and she needs to know if she can handle being a single mother.. Or she may be forced to give up the baby for adoption. --- Obviously, I'm not going to let that happen. I'll raise the baby on my own if it comes down to that. I love our daughter very dearly.

 

To make matters worse, I feel like there's another guy. She's been going to one person for support and he's being her confidence. The problem is, I know this guy would like to be with her but doesn't like kids. She tells me that isn't it.. However, she's planning on moving down south at some point to be with him.. Or according to them, to get her life in order. Part of me wants to believe that he's just a friend and he'll just help her.. But parent of me knows there's more to this than she's willin to admit. THis is the second time we've broken up.. and we got back together the first time.. However, this is the first time SHE broke up with me... and she says she has been thinking about it for a long time.. and the only thing keeping her from going is the thought of being a single mother.

 

Now, deep down, I know if she had stayed and tried to fix things.. they wouldn't have worked out. Don't get me wrong, I love her very very much.. and I want them to work out more than anything. I feel that if we had time apart, and given what I know now.. if we both got the help and support we needed that we could resolve our issues and hopefully some day get back together. She doesn't want to make any commitments to coming back.. No ties. She hasn't ruled it out, either, though.

 

She still loves me, but is focused on leaving right now. She said that I'm not right for her right now.. but that may change. We may get back together in the future... I guess having the possibility makes it easier to go on. However, the thought of being a single father terrifies me. The thought of losing her forever hurts more than anything. I support her in leaving to figure herself out.. to be independent.. I think she needs to love herself before she can love someone else. I know we both need to change to keep from breaking up in the future. We both want to change for ourselves......

 

*Sigh* I feel like I've just said my life story. I pray that she's just confused and acting on doubts of us gettinng married. We were recently moving forward to getting married and we both had doubts.. but I love her very much and want to work things out. She loves me and says there's a chance in the future. She doesn't want to give me a commitment because she doesn't want me to hold on.. She wants me to move on. It's hard for me to do that without thinking that I'm losing her for good. We're still intimate.. We've been intimate every night this week.. We're trying to keep it from confusing things, though.. It ain't making them better. But they aren't getting worse, either.

 

Is this hopeless? Is she going to realize she's happier without me and run? I don't want the baby to scare her off.. We both had her, she's our responsibility.. but I don't want to lose her because she can't be herself with the baby. I also don't want to chase her away further by trying to grasp on. This is so hard......... I hope she's just confused and needs a break, but she through our engagement ring into the lake.. So I don't know what to think anymore. (Last time when we destroyed our last ring we said we'd start over, rather then let it mean it's the end).. She did mention that this time, after tossing the ring.. But I think she's doing it so that I realize it's over and to move on. But over for good? She won't rule out getting back together..

 

PS: I apologize for the length. I guess I had a lot to say. I hope if someone can help that they take the time to read this.

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Hey,

my name's Crystal, im 13, a 7th grader, and the whole valentines thing gets me down. i noticed that more than 50 people have seen your post but no one dared to reply, so i thought i might say a little something, ya know, just so you dont think you're talking to yourself. i know its not the same, but a couple years ago, in 5th grade, i met this guy. and not just anyone, he was like perfect.

i was new to the whole dating scene and all, but i really liked this guy when i first saw him. we met in a park when i was sitting at the top of the web (its this big thing with platforms and rope, my childhood fave!) and he and his friend were racing up. he grabbed my ass and i got really angry at him. he started appoligizing and he was really cute about it too, so we became friends instantly.

it was summer and i'd go see him almost everyday at the park. so, one day, i came and he was really sad for some reason, i didnt know why, but he was. so we went and sat at the top of the web (where we first met) and we started talking, he told me that they were gonna move soon, but he didnt want to leave. when i asked him why, he kissed (actually my first)me and told me , hed miss me too much. he asked me out, but i said no, since i knew he was leaving. he was kinda sad, but i told him that i said no, only because i didnt want to have to say goodbye twice(by now, i was in love with him already) so that cheered him up a little. he always understood me, he was great.

the last two weeks he was here was like a dream. it went too fast. we would sit under the tree, hed whisper japanese words in my ear (i never knew what he was saying, but it sounded wonderful) and id fall asleep on him. hed always be there when i woke up and hed walk me to the crosswalk and watch me leave at the end of the day ( he couldnt walk me home, cause my parents would have killed me if they ever find out i date).

on the last day he had, we sat on the web and hugged the entire time. i started to cry. he tried to get me to stop, i tried to stop myself too, but i couldnt because i didnt want to loose him. it hurt so bad, too. eventually, i got myself to stop crying a little. he made me promise not to cry when he was gone, because then there would be no way for him to comfort me if he wasnt there. i could tell it hurt him when i cried so i tried my best. he only cried a little though, when i had to leave. it was sad. i cried myself to sleep that night and a couple others after too.

i never got over him, and im still not. i try to keep my promise though, i've been good keeping it as of late, but come valentines, it hurts the most. i really miss him and i dont know if ill ever get over him, sometimes it seems hopeless. i get really down sometimes and everything. last summer, i found this other guy. kevin, japanese (like nate) and i like him. i never did anything though, because after a while, i realized that he sort of resembled nate. with his goofy smile and how hed pick fun at me sometimes. i stoped flirting after i realized how much he was like nate. i thought it was wrong to associate him with someone else, and i convinced myself that i didnt like him for him, but for nate. but im not so sure anymore.

i know its nothing like your bond with your wife, but i want you to know that you're not alone with hopeless(?) loss. i never talk about this stuff to anyone. but you've been through so much, i think you deserve this much.

if you ever need to talk, please go ahead and email me or anything.

i dont know what you can do about her though. but if yuo find out, please tell me about it, maybe it can help me with nate. dont wori, if i get the stuff first, im not gonna hold out on you!

i just wanted to make sure that you know, that we peoples can relate, one way or another.

 

Any time you need to talk,

Crystal

 

p.s.

i strongly believe in the 'there's a reason for everything' theory. no matter what happens, good or bad, i believe that everything is gonna be okay in the long run. so whatever happens, dont every let go of life, or ever stop believing. dont live in pieces forever, eventually, you'll have to pick up. but dont worry about that, when you're ready, you'll see what you wanna see. trust me on that one. best wishes. C.

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