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He called me by his EX'S name! help.....


CanadianGirl
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Hi there.

 

I am in a long distanc relationsip with a man I love so much. Sometimes I get over emotional when he tells me he's going to call and then calls later than he says. I've been trying to deal with it..and sometimes I slip up.

 

This last time he did it, I got mad and we were talking things through (I was being cold). He was getting a little frustrated with my lack of conversation and how I always get mad when he's a little late calling....so he said "I love you so much Shaine....I mean Tasha" (my name is Tasha, His EX is Shaine).

 

This hurt me so much. I had so much trust in him. He's supposed to move up to Canada from California to be with me in the spring, but now I don't know what to do.

 

He says that it was an impulse reaction because him and Shaine would always fight, and that's what he'd say to her. It kills me inside to hear that. I never expected it, and I've never been through this before. I feel so lost, like I had so much trust in him and faith that our relationship was special, and now I don't know what to do.

 

I feel like my trust for him has been deminished. I feel like nothing special, like I'm just another girl he loved. I don't like feeling like this...and emotionally I can't afford it.

 

I need to know if I am wrong and blowing it out of proportion - or if my feelings are valid??

 

Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

 

Thanks.

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Don't look to much into this, this i a lot more common than you think, and it doesn't mean what you think it does.

 

I do this all the time, I could be talking to someone about someone, and say the wrong name, usually a name of someone Else i met, thought of or heard someone say during the day.

 

Its as if names are like little index cards that get miss placed. I actually believe is excuse, its precisely when someone is thinking way ahead in the conversation that these things happen, the arguing brought her name to the surface (this is called anchoring) his Exes name is Anchored to arguments and it triggers.

 

Another place this happens a lot is during sex!! talk about a bad time! and its not because one or the other is actually fantasizing over their ex when they say their names during sex, its just that the "name" not the person is anchored to that experience. Its a terrible thing to have happen to you, whether you say it or hear it.

 

I do sense that you are a bit insecure, because of you getting upset over him being a little late and with this whole name business, I do think your over reacting a bit. and that worries me. Why?

 

I mean are you to tell me you never mentioned someone Else's name by accident in a conversation with someone? I have done it, and have heard others do it all the time. Its just the way the brain works. It does it with images also.

 

So remember this, the argument triggered an anchor, that anchor being his Exes name, listen to what I say here, it her "NAME" not her!! her name is associated with unhappiness and arguments. So yeah he was upset, he wasn't having great memories of his Ex.

 

So don't worry about all that name stuff, don't even bring it up again with him.

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Gilgamesh is right - I've done this as well when a situation with one person was more typical of one with someone else. It's not conscious, it's a reflex; you're thinking of what to say to someone, and in the heat of the situation, the name associated with the way it "feels" pops out. And it can be quite embarrassing to the person who goofed.

 

This is definitely one of those "don't over think this" situations, if you stop and think, chances are it's happened with other people, co-workers, family, and friends, and it was the particular person and slip that's made you worry about it so much.

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yeah i believe so....its just a pure honest mistake...no meaning at all...but that could be a very useful thing for you to guard your feelings on him...i mean the more you need to be a good gf to him..rather than a nagging jealous gf...no one could stand on that...i believe you also posted another post right? so i guess...instincts must also tell you something...perhaps that could also be a sign..."i believe the saying that goes..."hope for the best expect for the worst: just don't change..try to reach more for him...well that is as far as i believe based on my own experiences..but that mistake could also imply something... and that is a very useful thing for you to work more on a relationship or be prapared whatever it is...whatever you do...i believe you would find the right answer if you'll listen to your gut feeling...not blinded of jealousy..but rational and practical reasoning. good luck to you...

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Thanks everyone...and yes, I posted before...because I don't want to get mad when he says he's going to call, and I end up calling him first...angry.

 

It's just that he makes a real point to say he'll call me right after he "...does this or that(whatever it is)..." and then doesn't hold his word. I feel like I can't really trust what he says - I need him to be true to what he says..and since I've been hurt and lied to in the past..I feel like the little things DO count -- and it's really hard for me to control emotions this way.

 

I do love him so much.

 

Another part of this story is that he does talk about her alot. I let him know that it bothers me, but he does it again and again. It isn't really like he wishes to be with her...it just seems like he feels the need to tell me old stories about them (*like: how he spent last Christmas with her, etc). It bothers me.

 

I am very insecure about this. It's hard for me. He's so far away, all we have is trust - or this relationship can't survive. Because the last time I loved a man - I had been lied to and manipulated...I am cautious and try to see everything as a sign that I shouldn't let my heart out. It scares me to think that another person can have control over my emotions. This is what it comes down to. I'm still not fully healed from my past. It really helps having this board to set me strait!

 

Your advice is appreciated. Thanks. More would be great!

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Ok,

 

I know how this made you feel because I have been on both sides. When I first started dating my boyfriend I used to by mistake call him my ex's name. It was just because me and the Ex used to fight so much that whenever we would get into it, i would say "SO and SO" and he was hurt. It took me about two times to figure out that if I did it again he would think about me in a bad way. So i learned to practice him name so much that I wouldnt do that again.

 

So that should make you feel a lil better about your Man doing this to you...HOWEVER,,

 

I would like to hit on another topic and that is his calling you when its convienient for him! I don't like this at all. But I can tell you there is a way for you to be stronger and feel better about this. And not feel out of control of your own mind and heart.

 

To get contol and more importantly your sanity back, do this little trick a few times a month until it becomes natural.

 

*TRICK*

Don't be availiable every single time he calls. DOn't call him sometimes even if it kills you, get out the house, turn the cell phone off, go somewhere alone and focus on you. Dont obsess over his every move.

You have a life too, and if you don't you better get one, nothing runs a man away faster then a predictable jealous girlfriend. I would go to the library and read a book for about an hour extra. Window shop at the mall, and even go to a friends house and bake a cookie, before I would hound him and let him know I can't do without him. Men hate this, and can smell this in a woman, like when she is on her cycle.

 

Make yourself busy, Its not easy in the beginning so I would do this atleast once a week. i would not always be there when he calls. You have to get him out of the comfortable zone, and be your own best friend here. If he reaches you after you have become a little harder to reach, I guarantee better results. He'll be more appreciative that he got you, and it wont just be the "oh i better call her or she'll be jealous and mad"

Try it at least once a week and see how the tables turn a bit. I've done this and I still do it, and IT WORKS!

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With that new information you added, I can see why you a little "touchy" on that incident with him say her name.

 

And frankly id have to say now, i don't blame you. he shouldn't be bringing up pleasant memories with his Ex with you. thats not very respectful to the current relationship and you.

 

You need to talk to him straight, and tell him how you feel, tell him that he needs to keep "her" out of your relationship.

 

You have good reason to be concerned, its possible he is fixated on her, or comparing the present with his past. and thats not fair.

 

Communication is key, clear this up now. I see now that the reason your insecure is because he really is making you feel that way.

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Well. Things really blew up for me, and I broke it all down for him.

 

I told him how insecure it makes me feel when he talks about her. I asked him how he would feel if I talked about my ex's...and how much it bothers me that he does this. It kinda took him by surprise. He didn't think it effected me as much as it did. He told me that the relationship with her was nothing compared to what we have. He said that there was many good reasons for him breaking up with her, and he told me about the turbulance that was constantly there. He assured me that he never meant to hurt me in this way -

 

He gave me his word that he'd stop bringing her up...and I hope he does it. We really hashed things out properly and I feel much better since. I think he realizes that my love isn't something to take for granted - and how he has to work for my trust now.

 

It still bothers me that he said this, but I am willing to give him a chance. I am willing to let this bump in the road have a chance to smooth itself out .. but I will definitley proceed with caution now. I can only give so much slack before I'm burned out.

 

I appreciate your advice. Makes me see a little more clearly when things get fuzzy. Thanx!

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Communication is always better then assumption.

 

Just give him a little leeway, its a bad habit he has, may not go away over night. but I am glad he recognizes the reasons for your unhappiness, and he did seem to respond in a good way. in other words he didn't really defend his actions but just admitted he just didn't know it bothered you and said he would stop. thats a good thing.

 

good luck.

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Ya, I see it as a good sign also.

 

I never made an issue of the times he talked of her before - just kinda held it inside, and brushed it off as him wanting to share information with me. But after him calling me by her name...it all came together to cause real pain. Once I told him that it really urks me - he gave me his word that it's done. He assured me that he doesn't want to do anything to compromise what we have...since we've connected unlike anyone else we've ever dated.

 

I told him that OBVIOUSLY we have both been in love before...we don't need to tell each other about it - or the other person...it's common knowledge that this isn't our first love experience since we are both adults. We should concentrate on each other and unless our ex's are DIRECTLY effecting our lives we should leave them where they belong...in the past.

 

Now, I am not one to dwell on issues - so I've washed my hands of it .. the past is just that...and if anything this whole spat has made us stronger. It aslo gave us a little more insight into how we will deal with future issues.

 

But in the future...I will not let something that bothers me fester until it causes insicurity. I will communicate my feelings instead of letting them build inside of me until something major happens.

 

Thanks for listening!

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