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What a mess part 2


whatuk
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Sorry it's a long on but it covers the last 3 months and I wanted to get it all off my chest. I have made a total mess of the most important thing in my life. I have posted on this situation in the past here link removed anyway to update the situation about two weeks later when my friends family went on holiday the father went to stay with my friend and their son, six weeks later when the father went back to his hostel the two grew apart again my friend was constantly trying to contact the father but he never responded, and I once again became the 'father' figure. It came to a head when my friend was going for a night out with her sister, she wanted the father to baby-sit that night but he refused saying he had no money to travel to my friends house. My friend angry went out that night and met another man who she is now with.

 

However, this is where it gets complicated, about 3 days after my mate dumped the father she received a phone call from his Grandmother saying he had been thrown out of his hostel and needed a place to stay, my friend reluctantly agreed to let him stay which he did, it was then he found out that my friend had meet this other man, he was furious because my mate had made a big deal out of her opinion that she was being cheated on and basically she started dating this other guy before she finished with the father even though they really weren't spending any time together.

 

A couple of days after the father started staying with my friends family I went over to the house to see how things were. Eventually the three of us went out my friend was going to her young mothers group, the father was due at his young offenders meeting and I had a doctors appointment, before we went our separate ways the father began pressing my mate for money which she refused to give him saying it was for their sons food, eventually he became violent towards my friend pushing her around and not allowing her to continue on the way to her young Mum's group, my friend told me to get the baby out of the situation which I did by taking him to the place where the young Mum's group meet up.

 

I then came back to help my friend, I managed to calm the father down enough for my friend to get to her group. The father said to me: "I can't believe she cheated on me." He made several threats to enter the young Mum's group and attack my friend. I said to him: "I know what you mean mate." Merely to calm him down, after walking him to the bus stop and making sure he got on the bus I called my friend to see how she was, she was understandably upset so I offered to meet her and take her home when she told her parents what had happened, which I did. The next day I was due back at university but I never went back because I wanted to support my friend, this had really damaged her self confidence, the day after was my enrolment at University I asked my friend if she wanted to come, she agreed but that night went out with her new boyfriend and never got up in time to meet me, so I went to my enrolment, when I got home my friend called me saying she wanted to come over to mine to talk about something, she said she would be over in a hour, after visiting her ex's Grandmother, so I waited for her and she never turned up.

 

About six hours later I called her to see what had happened and I heard her laughing and joking with her family, when I asked her what had happened, she said she had forgotten that she was supposed to come over. This really made me angry and I had a go at her because I was genuinely scared that something had happened to her given she was seeing the babies father's family. Later that night I got a text message from her sister having a go at me for shouting at my friend because she had that day told them all about what her ex had done to her, it turned out he was regularly violent towards her while they were together both the first time and the second time. I had no idea about any of this so I called my friend and apologised for having a go at her, I told her I felt guilty because indirectly I was the one who had got the two back together in the first place she told me it wasn't my fault but I still felt really guilty about it because I was due to be staying with my friend and Godson when her family went on holiday but plans had been changed because of the arguments we were having at the time. It was during this time that the violence got worse which has left my friend with scars and burns on her legs.

 

Things were fine between my friend and me for weeks until about six weeks a go when we had an argument, which had come from the fact that due to the stress of what had happened to her my friend became really stressed out and was arguing with her family and was really short tempered with her son. I made a point of it and she snapped at me, saying the fact I was the Godfather meant nothing he was nothing to do with me, I didn't know the first thing about looking after babies and she said I had taken the father's side during the period when he was staying after being kicked out of his hostel. This really hurt me, so the next day I called round to hers and I wanted to know straight how much of what was said was meant and how much was her mouthing off. She totally ignored me and continued a conversation about how drunk she was the night before with her friend. I just walked off in tears, later that day my friend left a voicemail on my phone saying she was really sorry and she knew my God Son meant the world to me. A couple of days later we meet up and sorted things out properly I said to her that my God Son was the most important thing in the world to me and she was my best friend and I would do anything for them, she basically said the same thing back.

 

A couple of weeks later when I had a week off University, due to a large amount of coursework I still had to go to university on four of the five days of my week off, I had arranged weeks in advance to meet with my friend and my God Son and spend the day with them, which I hadn't been able to do because her and her new boyfriend were getting on so well. The day before I went to university as planned but never took my mobile phone, I got home at around lunchtime and I had a text message from my friend saying she couldn't meet me the next day so we should meet that day, I tried to call her but all I got was her sister trying to wind me up with a joke saying I had the wrong number. I eventually got through to my mate and she said she couldn't meet me because she had received an offer to go on an all day first aid course that morning, which annoyed me because on the one hand I wanted to spend the day with her and my God Son but I understood that the first aid course was important to my friend. The next day I went shopping for myself and I got a call from my mate asking me if I wanted to meet up. I asked what had happened to the first aid course and she said she had overslept because she had spent the night at her boyfriends and was hung over. We meet up and I asked her why she had cancelled our arrangements to go on the first aid course only to not go because she was hung over. She said there was no first aid course, and she had only cancelled our arrangements because I had demanded she spend the day with me. Which was not true, about two weeks earlier she had said she might not be able to come because she had arranged to do something with her boyfriend's family. I had jokingly said I asked you first cancel those arrangements; she took me to be serious.

 

We had a row over it but it was quickly sorted because she had a major row with her family and I was still at hers so I sat with her and comforted her, she went into the bathroom and came out about ten minutes later she sat next to me on her bed and whispered to me that she had tried to stab herself with a pair of scissors!

 

It was about three weeks a go when the real problems started after another argument my friend had repeated her claim's that the fact I was her son's Godfather meant

Nothing and I supported his father a few weeks before, I was really confused now and I wanted to know where I stood because one minute I was her best friend and the next I was: "A c**t and a w****r." So when my friend out of the blue invited me to her birthday party I said: "I don't think you want me there at all you are just asking to be polite." My friend rightly assumed I had a serious problem with her and she asked me to tell her everything, I did starting with the summer when one minute I was playing the role of my Godsons father and the next I was nothing, to the fact that for the last few weeks my parents had been telling me she was just using me when it suited her. She took serious issue with the fact that I considered that I had acted like my God Son's father. I asked her why and she wouldn't, I said to her that I loved my Godson like a son and I had treated him like my own for at least a year now. And wanted it to be true, basically saying I wanted us to be together as a family. To which she said, if his own father didn't love him like that why should anyone else, except her new boyfriend? This really pissed me off, I felt as if my feelings were being questioned and through this anger and jealously that the last year apparently meant nothing to my friend whereas after only about six weeks she was already grooming her boyfriend to be my Godson's stepfather.

 

I really wanted to know where I stood now on the one hand I had her telling me she thought of me like a brother and she knew I was a great Godfather and knew I would always be there for her and her son, on the other I was being told it all meant nothing because now she had her boyfriend, and I had my family telling she was just using me. I was really confused, I constantly txted my friend to no reply to get to the bottom of it all, eventually I lost my temper with her and sent her a really abusive text message saying she was just a user who needed to grow up. I also texted her Mum to say I was pissed off with the situation and I all I wanted to know was where I stood. About a week ago I called her to say I was sorry and didn't want to lose her friendship, she said she was angry with me and needed time to cool down, I knew she would be at her young Mum's group that day so I went down there and meet her after a short argument she said she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. However, I had already brought her and my Godson their Christmas presents so I called her she kept hanging up, which was really annoying me, but I decided to leave it, yesterday IO txted her to say I didn't want to lose her friendship and I wanted to sort things out. She said she didn't want anything to do with me, so I asked her what I had done that was so unforgivable. She called saying again she didn't want anything to do with me. Upset and angry I went home got all the stuff she had given me and her Christmas presents and went to hers and dumped it on her doorstep, a couple of hours later I called still angry demanding the stuff back or money for the value of the stuff.

 

I still would like to sort things out, although I know it won't happen because my friend is so angry with me.

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WOW. I'm not even sure what to say to this, it's one heck of a situation.....

 

In reading your post, some things did leap out at me. One: I think your mother is partly right in assuming your friend uses you somewhat when it's convenient to her and when she needs the moral support, since it seems like she comes to you properly apologetic only AFTER her ex or whomever abuses her in some manner, and, in receiving your sympathy, she tells you what a great godfather and friend you are.

 

Secondly: traditionally, the role of the godparent(s) is to be somewhat of a "fail-safe" in the event of tragedy to the parent(s). If, God forbid, your friend were to die or become disabled and unable to care for her son in some way, it would be your responsibility as godparent to step in and provide that caring and nurturing and support to that child as needed. Granted, this was implemented in earlier days when the life expectancy of people was considerably shorter than it is now, but tradition stands, as do the roles placed on godparents.

 

In reading your post over again, I think you're doing alright. You can't force yourself into her life or her son's life if she doesn't choose for you to be there, but you can be there in whatever capacity she allows you to be, without confrontation or upset to her relationship with her boyfriend or whoever her significant other is, and still support your godson. She calls the shots in this relationship, and you have to accept whatever role she puts you in.

 

I think the bigger issue is working out the problems between you and HER, and the accusations she makes of you when she's feeling contrary and claiming you're trying to be a father to her child. There's a BIG difference between simply loving a child because you've gotten to know him/her, and trying to force your way into that child's life, and I think she'd realize that with a bit of a reminder. You're not in the wrong, unless YOU force the issue of your role in her son's life.

 

Just remember what the role of the godparents are, and stick to that role, unless she allows you more. Other than that, it's her life to do with as she pleases. If she gets herself into a mess with her ex or whomever and comes to you for comfort or reassurance, then snubs you when things are fine, THIS is an issue that needs to be resolved. No one is happy being placed in the role of the "good-time friend", only there and appreciated when things are going well.

 

This has more to do with your relationship with HER, I think, rather than your godson. She loves him, her boyfriend loves him, you love him. He's not lacking in attention. But if you want to continue to have a somewhat active role in his life, you need to discuss some things with his mother first, and get THAT relationship sorted out and on stable ground, so as to be satisfactory to all involved!

 

Mar

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks for the advice. I tried to talk to my friend about the whole situation and I got blown off. She basically accused me of being a jealous, arrogant prick who couldn't get his own way and thereforeeee was becoming more argumentative. I admitted to her I was a little jealous but only because what I enjoyed doing was taken away from me, what really hurt me was the things she said, but, I wasn't even trying to start an argument all I wanted was the truth from her. This really sent me over the edge, and I totally went against your advice, I started asking to see my Godson at first politely but I got a constant stream of abuse from her and her family saying things like "Just because you are the Godfather doesn't mean you have the right to be his Father, or just accept she is with someone else and doesn't love you" so I decided to fight fire with fire, and I got abusive back, really abusive, I told her I thought she was a user and if I had any legal rights I would have fought for access to my Godson. It was totally out of character the way I behaved and I ashamed of the way I behaved, but I couldn't hold back any longer I mean after a year of supporting her and being there for her and my Godson and getting to know her whole family to the point where they accepted me as one of there own, and for her to say it all meant nothing and for her to undermine what I had done for my Godson really, really hurt and annoyd me. I wasn't thinking straight at all I was blinded by rage.

My only problem now is that I can't ever see my Godson which eats me up because I spent so long caring for him, he basically changed my outlook on life, before I was just cruising from day to day with no real plans, but he helped change that. Don't get me wrong me and my former friend would never be any more than that, but just having that responsiblity gave me a focus and direction to my life. I know I have to move on but its hard because I miss him so much, I miss holding him and comforting him, making him laugh.

I can now see I got too emotionally involved in the situation for my own good but that doesn't take away the pain of knowing that someone I love so much is 15 minutes away from me and I can't even see him and won't have anything to do with his life.

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Umm, something else leaps out at me here - how old is she? Either she's very young - or she's acting pretty immature and has been in some of her expectations.

 

Legally, as you know, she's in the right. She doesn't have to permit you contact with your godson, though it's rather childish to want you to help her care for him when she needed the support, and just walk off when she's with someone else.

 

I'm sorry for both you and your godson - but in general, it seems you'd do well to step back for a while and let her see for herself what she's doing with her life and her friends. She needs to get some stability for herself and yes, grow up a bit - if she's still in the "go out and get drunk/stay over at her boyfriend's" stage in her life while she has a baby to care for, she does have a bit of growing to do - you can't decide to groom a boyfriend of a few weeks as a stepdad based on that. And sooner or later, she'll realize it.

 

If you think you can do it calmly, maybe write her a letter telling her you grew attached to your godson during the time you helped care for him, and while you weren't trying to be his dad, it was hard on you emotionally to be expected to simply walk away as if the time you'd spent with him didn't matter. That you considered her a friend, and wanted to be there for the two of them. And now, you'll step back, and leave it to her if she wants to contact you again after she's had time to think about it. In the meantime, wish her luck, and hope things work out, etc. And do just that, step back, and don't try to contact her.

 

And start putting yourself as number 1 for a change. Intentionally or not, this WAS taking advantage of you in some ways, and that isn't a position you want to be in again. So invest some time in you for a while - it won't make you stop thinking about your godson entirely, but it will help keep you from dwelling on something outside your control to fix.

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Thanks for the advice but now I have another problem relating to the situation.

 

Ok I had to contact my former friend because she ows me some money which I needed to pay a credit card bill I have. I sent her a text apologising for the way I behaved towards her but explaining that the things she said really hurt and annoyed me. The next day I got a message from a number I didn't recognise saying: "I didn't mean anything I said, I can't fault you for a thing you did for us but I don't want to know you. I will give you the money soon".

 

Now clearly assuming she sent the meassage I can't do anything about that, she has made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me and I will have to accept that, but the thing that really gets to me is that I asked her to her face to tell me the truth several weeks ago before this situation got this bad and she never I don't know what to believe, I don't even know for sure if she sent the message herself. I would call her but if I did I am almost sure she would just hang up. I feel so used now because not only did she set out to hurt me but now it appears to me that she is using the hurt and upset caused by what she said against me. All I wanted to do was to be a good friend for her and be there for my Godson who I love to bits. I am waiting for her to contact me to tell me when I can have my money but I am so upset and angry that I don't know if I could contain the anger.

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