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how do you deal with mind games & controlling behavior?


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I first want to thank you guys for being here for me, it's like an AA meeting kinda! I am 41 she is 31 and we were lovers 10 years ago. I lived with her 10 years ago and she had (still does) and attitude that its her way or the highway. I drank to much and she had to play mind games that made me out to be the bad guy every time and i got to the point of ignoring her & annoying her too. So she left me on my birthday 10 plus years ago. My problem is that she wrote me a letter 5 months ago to see if we could get back together and we did. We pretty much hit it off rite away and things were going well for awhile. She says she still accepts me as i am but she belittles me and cuts me down when she starts to get a lil buzz from beer and i told her i didn't like that behavior and she still kept on with the remarks til i walked out of her place without a word said. So now the emails come with mind games attached and she doesn't call me to appologize so i get scared she will not call and i go and get in touch with her (my mistake) and somehow find myself saying sorry after she talked bad to me! T hings were going pretty good in her head it seamed. She would email me letters saying she wanted me to move to another state in a few years with her, tells me things i was to do to her in the bedroom and all sorts of sexual stuff when we lived together in the future and all kinds of email acting as if she will be mine for a long time. Well a month ago i walked out again and have not called her on the phone but have been emailing her little comments to let her know i still care be she wont call me and i don't know what to do? I'm still in mad love with her but can't deal with the not wanting to talk about the problem because she will turn it on me and have a tone of voice that i'm immature and need to grow up, once again turning on me!? She has her own web site and uses it to convey her thoughts about me that are sometimes negative and other times she says she didn't want to be with me anyway other times telling (no one in particular on her site) the internet that i was the best thing that happened to her and all this other stuff about me being her first true love. then i read comments on her site from her sister that said "you didn't need him anyway because of the way he treated you, you deserve better!" Yet i never did one thing to hurt her in anyway what so ever!!! Please give me some guidance with this novel, someone !?

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I can help you here, I just hope you can take this information and help yourself.

 

From what it sounds like to me, you feel like she is treating you bad, and she feels the same. Her website says it all. What you need to do, it put the booze away, and take her somewhere where beer wont be in the picture and have a serious heart to heart with her. Tell her, I read your website and it seems like you think i treat you bad, it hurt me to read this, because I honestly didnt realize i was hurting you so. LISTEN TO HER, listen to her all the way, then you start in and tell her how you feel she too, treats you very bad, especially when beer is involved. Tell her you love her and want to make it right no matter how long it takes, really mean this when you say it. tell her " hey if I would know more about what you are thinking about how Im treating you then I would definetly know how to treat you better. But its a two way street...

 

Good luck

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I can relate your story...I am the girl in this senario with my x-bf. He had a drinking problem through our entire relationship and we finally broke up because of his attitude, anger and manipulation towards me. I just couldn't take it. As much as I loved him living that way built so much resentment. We had tried to get back together and work things out when he finally stopped drinking, but what I found was that I had so much left over anger in me that I couldn't let myself be vulnerable to his hurting me anymore. When we were around each other I would find myself on the defensive. I had a wall up.

 

Perhaps this is what you two are going through? You have stopped drinking, but have worked on your attitude and how you deal with her? This is very important, because as someone else on here had told me..."you can remove the alcohol, but you'll still have the same person, only sober." He had quit drinking, but had not done any work on himself to help himself grow into a strong healthy person. Maybe the two of you can go to some sort of counseling to try to get to the heart of things and why she is acting this way now. Unfortunately things didn't work out for my x-bf and I, but hopefully you can work out your issues together and have a good relationship. Good luck!

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As i said earlier that when i try to resolve issues with her she gets defensive and it hurts me to see my own feeling trashed by her remarks! So how can i get this resolved if i call she might give me the grow up attitude and i'm not ready for that! I emailed her a thing saying how we need to work on a problem and she sent me an email that said"?? ooook "then sent me one to a site link removed! What the heck does that mean? I don't know what to do with this?

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After further investigation,

This girl sounds like a Selfish, stuck up , cold hearted, no good Bit__fill in the blanks.

 

Get this girl out of your life, before she drives you nuts. For her to do waht she did with the "self help " website thing, shows just how spoiled and cold she can be. Who wants to be with someone who cares more about their next hairstyle then they do there lover. Please!! I'm not impressed, she gets no love from me. I think her show should be cancelled. How can she be so cold one minute warm the next. She sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. she's not a nice person. Move on. You deserve better. she will only do what you allow her to do.

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There is a pattern here! You break up, you get back together...again and again. Maybe you are misreading your feelings. Instead of love it could be a sense of belonging only because of your past experiences. You've come to know her and the two of you have been through a lot, but is that love? I've been here myself. Get away from the whole situation and look back when you have a clear mind. Trust me, it will do you a world of good. :

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I see how evil this woman really is and it hurts me to see her not even being romotely aware of it. I'm not going to call or email her ever again, because of her last remarks about the "helpyourself link removed" email she sent! so i sent her my very last 1(but she won't know this) email saying"You can't do anything to make them want to come back. You can only do things to make them not want to come back." the ball is in my court, but i have to be careful about going to her web site-I WONT DO IT! 'cause i will keep this wound open even longer if i center my world on hers instead of mine and am doing it as i speak! thanks for the comments guys

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