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Honesty or modesty?


blackswan
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I have a friend (B - guy) is organising a X'mas trip. He asked me in a separate email if I mind friend (G - girl) going because if I feel uncomfortable, he won't invite her.

 

G is a colleague-friend that I introduced to B. I had been close to both. However because of some complex unresolved issues involving my relationship with another colleague-friend (D - guy), G & I haven't been talking. I felt I've tried to talk to G & hoped she would be more understanding at least to show me her care, but she seems to be distancing & difficult to talk to.

 

D & I were in a relationship which I end up feeling used & abused, insulted & threatened. I was in psychological damaged state that was emotional, low-confidence, avoiding & lost. I couldn't face friends happy hence staying away to keep it to myself. I said things wrong or unsensible & had been seeing therapist.

 

Partly because of my condition & partyly because D was trying to be good friend to G (too much in my opinion) that it made me feel uncomfortable around G, hence argument.

 

B & I also had a problem that he reckon I asked him too many questions regarding his life with D & G. Hence I decided not to talk about them to him again. Now that he asked me this question, I don't know whether to be honest (I'm uncomfortable with G & I feel G should put in the energy to bring friendship back because I already tried) or modest (it's your trip, invite who you like).

 

Often I wonder what I've done wrong to have cause problem with these friends.. I had been mentally abused, physically raped; I thought it should be understandable why I can't allow an abuser in my life or even around my close friends. I've been told it's immature by a friend, but I just can't help feeling this way.

 

I need advice..

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Well I think your friend was considerate enough to ask you because he suspected you might be uncomfortable having G-girl along. I think you should be honest with him and tell him your feelings. Otherwise you will have a lousy time on the trip and it could have been avoided.

 

As SwingFox said, you can't please everybody. If you know you've done your best and you know deep down you are a good person then be happy with that. You are responsible only for yourself, don't try to feel responsible for how everyone else is feeling. Thats up to them. If in your heart you feel you've wronged one of your friends, apologize to them and move on.

 

Then go on the trip and have fun!

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Thank you for your help.

 

I was feeling distant to B hence gave the political correct answer: it's your trip, invite who you like. Not really how I feel but I feared loss of another friend.

 

Another friend (J) told me.. it's not right to ask somebody else not to invite another friend if s/he so want to. She warned me that if I do that, next time B probably won't invite me if he wants G's company. I was seeking a listener rather than an adviser. She turn out not the best adviser for me.

 

Things between me & G wouldn't have been that bad if she had been more caring & understanding. I've realised that she was absent when I needed help most & told her I seeked counselling. When I asked her about our distancing which perhaps I shouldn't have asked, she said she felt I've not been a true friend to her. An accusation & blame that I don't feel I should take. I know I've been a good person & friend, help her seek accommodation, drive her around, invite her to dinners & trips to meet people. Just because I email & approach her less than B & D makes me unfriendly is ridiculous. I don't think I can trust G anymore.

 

In finding this website I realise there are many people like me, sexually violated but could not talk about it until it haunt them later in life. Already I'm feeling better & have the courage to fight it off 8).

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