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For men to answ: he wanted me out of his life then ..


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My ex fiancee and I brokeup at the end of October 2003. I terminated the relationship {second time in about two years - we dated for a total of eight years} because I caught him, in not such blatant terms, being unfaithful to me or from what I saw .. starting to court someone I suspected he was interested in. My ex and this gal work together. She's been with his company for about two months and I ran into them about a block away from his office with this girl when he wasnt even supposed to be in the office at that time. he had supposedly left on a business trip hours before. He wasnt answering his cell or anything. Now I know why. Something was up but because I saw him out and about with some girl -- I couldnt exactly get into it because I wasnt going to make a scene. He came over to talk to me, I told him I didnt want to hear his excuses and told him it was over. Plain and simple. Seconds later, he got into his car, alone, and drove off. I did the same.

He called many times that evening but I refused to talk to him. When we spoke via instant messenger days later, he claimed he never touched her or had any interest in her prior to us breaking up but DID ask her out five days later. And, was dating her. He swears they were just friends before hand. Not sure what excuses he had in store for why he was out and about when he was supposed to be away on business and why he wasnt answering his phone but .. who wants to be fed a bunch of BS? I think he was interested in her for a while but didnt have the balls to admit it and was courting her and getting ready to cheat or {who knows} figure out if he wanted to end things with me or just lie and sneak around and date this person behind my back. We were engaged for goodness sake. Nice huh?


To make a long story short, even though my intution told me that something was/had been going on, I didnt know FOR SURE. And, because I was concerned with making the best out of the situation because I this was someone I had a longgg history with, I didnt want things to turn completely ugly. So, to ensure that wasnt going to happen and to ensure we wouldnt walk away hating eachother, I told him I wanted to meet and talk in person after he returned from his business trip {he was only going to be gone for three days}.


Before he left on his business trip {he ended up leaving later that evening} he agreed to meet with me when he returned. But when he got back he changed his mind, he didnt want to meet; he refused to see me. Then he changed his home and mobile phone numbers - no forwarding numbers or anything. He refused to speak to me, wouldnt even answer his phone at the office when I'd attempt to call. He refused to speak with me. He was making it very clear .. he wanted nothing to do with me.

He was even nasty when he would reply to emails; all correspondence was snappy and questions were answered in one word or less - if at all.

You can imagine how badly this irritated me. Here I was trying to be the bigger person - trying to be mature when he, the person responsible for this mess, was being a complete jerk. I thought to myself " what am I doing here? What in the world is he thinking? Does he get it?



This persisted for a good month. I would try and call or write or whatever and he would ignore or just be nasty. but, he never once picked up his phone and we never once spoke in person.


During the last couple of weeks, I stopped caring about the outcome of US and demise of our relationship or friendship or whatever. I began to understand .. I didnt have to be friends with him for everything to be okay. I couldnt change what had happened. I couldnt trust him anymore. I didnt want the relationship back even if I could get it back. I was allowed to walk away and raise my head high. Amd I COULD walk from eight years without feeling guilty. I realized what the heck are you doing? Why are you still trying to be nice? Kind? Respectful? TO HIM? What for? FORGET IT. And, in those weeks, I started to live my life again and starting to feel normal again.


Then .. suddenly ..

He contacted me twice today, via email, out of the blue. He was his old' sweet and charming self - back to what seemed to be his old self - pre-breakup era. i dont understand why he'd contact me like that, when he clearly wanted nothing to do with me this entire time. What in the world? He asks how I am and tells me he's thinking of me and misses me and wants to know if I had a nice thanksgiving and such. Remember, this is the same guy who changed his numbers weeks prior? What in the world is he thinking? If he walked away and did everything possible to make sure I wouldnt be in his life in the future {was cruel and changed his numbers and refused to keep in contact} why email me all of a sudden and care about how I am .. or am NOT? Is he crazy?

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I can't get into his ehad to tell you why he did what he did, or even figure out when he did something. Was he cheating or planning on cheating? No idea. BUt it is clear that you do not trust him. If he trustworthy? No idea. But if he is not or if you just don't trust him because you are not trusting, then you shouldn't be dating him. If you are not trusting, you should try to take some time to work on that. If he is not trustworthy, what has changed since you broke up. Once trust has become an issue in a relationship it is very difficult to make it a non-issue.

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Hey there Blueyed,

Basically I've narrowed the reason for his behavior to 2 options but still this is not 100% just coming from experience:

1. The girl from the office dumped him.

2. You stopped trying to sort things out with him and moved on with your life, some guys are a little bit immature (I think your guy is a bit immature for changing his numbers and not wanting to deal with things), and also have ego problems, so probably after you stopped contacting him his ego was wondering - why isnt she chasing me anymore - which is stupid and very selfish.

I know this isnt easy to read, and I don't know you or your partner, but my advice is to turn the table now. Don't answer him and don't take his calls, give him time to figure our himself why he's actually contacting you again after making it clear that he didn't want anything to do with you...let him feel what its like when someone you shared so much with shuts you out, maybe he'll learn not to do it again and start thinking like a mature person. And as for trust, its all up to you, I think you know him well enough to figure out if you can trust him again....anyway, good luck and stay strong

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All -

Thanks for your advice. You've all been more than helpful. I haven't written back to my ex {didn't respond to the two emails I rec'd on Monday} and I haven't heard a peep from him since. I do, however, have caller ID and I noticed a frightening number of missed calls {blocked number} on my answering machine this past week .. no messages .. just a ton of blocks - and hang ups. Two of my friends have blocked numbers but I already checked it out and they weren't the ones who called.


I don't know why I'm even taking the time to give this a moments thought. I was soo devastated when we first broke up but I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. I never thought it would happen either. This site has helped me so much; it's as if you realize you're not the only person in the world who is going through a rough time or breakup or whatever it is that you're going through. You start to see that whatever it is that you're feeling - emotional or otherwise - is completely normal, others seem to be going through the same emptional{s} high and lows.


Anyways, back to the ex: I have realized what a SOB he is or at least he's an SOB for the way he handled us breaking up. He just ran away like a child. I think the actions cheating and disconnecting phone numbers falls in the category of dispicable, weak, and pathetic. I mean, I will never respect him like I did for the years preceding. Hmm, isn't that a shocker. Yes, I've finally seen his true colors in this unfortunate situation. Yes, it's his loss.


I think I'm curious and wondering about his emails and reading into everything because my ego was bruised. In a sick sort of way, I want redemption. I would love to do to him what he did to me. Rejection at its best. Immature as it may seem, I would LOVE to have the upper hand as in .. to sit back and watch him running back {me happy of course .. without him and not wanting him back} and then be able to slam the door in HIS face, like he did to me - after so many years spent eachother.


Bottom line: sure, I still miss him but I can't trust him and honestly, if I had a choice - at this point? I wouldn't want him back.

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