Am I second best to his ex-girlfriend?

[unloved]

Hey all, I'm looking for some advice regarding my boyfriend who has been dumped two times in a row (the second time by a girl he considered a "soulmate" and "the one") - how do I know he wouldn't still rather be with one of them? I am suspicious because the first girl was his first girlfriend and they dated 2-3 years starting in high school. She cheated on him & dumped him. The next girl dumped him after a year - right after he told her she was "the one". That was May 2000. In March 2001 his friend sent an e-mail to him (yes, I've snooped) telling him to give up and stop calling her because she had moved on with her life. He and I met and started dating in April 2002 - right as she was coming to visit in May (granted, a long-planned visit) during which he told me he may have to "shuffle" me around since he didn't know her schedule yet. I worry that he may have been using me as a rebound or a distraction since she was coming to visit. He claims the contact between them was "inertia" - leftover from the relationship and that there were no residual feelings on his part. But he's also stressed that he kept in contact with her to "prove to her" he'd moved on with his life. Now if he's going to go to all the trouble of calling her, e-mailing her, "shuffling" plans with me to see her - who is he trying to prove it to? Her? Or himself? He's been hinting at marriage to me but never says I'm "the one" (in fact he says he doesn't believe in soulmates anymore...) and he never says anything sweet or romantic. I feel he loved and cared about his ex more because he seemed sweeter in his emails to her. What he says to me doesn't compare to what I've read. He seemed more interested & into her and her life and her interests... I don't want to marry him if I am his second choice. I don't want to be second best but I feel I am because he may still want her, but *can't* have her. How can I deal with being his 2nd choice? Is it possible for a guy to still be in love with a girl who dumped him over three years ago???

[Bluebird]

I dont know if he is still in love with his ex, but i do know that you deserve to be number 1. I know for a fact a million guys would love to make u their girl, and number one at that so dont settle for second best.

So if you think you are second best then I would let him go as your just wasting your time with him. But on the other hand, you might just be feeling insecure (all of us girls are great at that.) So don't give away something that is potentially the best thing ever, just because you get silly thoughts in your head. He may say he doesn't believe in soul mates because maybe he feels that if he lets himself love you and lets himself want to be with you forever, then he might feel as soon as that happens he will loose you.

 

Do some more sussing out about how he feels about you. Tell him what is concerning you and tell him that you feel second best and also tell him that you want to be with your soul mate.

[unloved]

Hey Bluebird...thanks for the response...

 

I wish he would be more open about how he feels but he generally won't answer my questions. He thinks he's told me "too much" about his past. I don't think he's told me much...most of what I've learned I snooped to find but I feel better having snooped because now I know he's not totally into me.

 

He still has the negatives of pictures of this girl...still wears shirts she bought him...still has newspaper articles about her from college...and had emails and pictures of her dating back to 1999 on his computer. He supposidly blocks her emails now and she supposidly doesn't have his new cell # - but that's only because I made a fuss before. I'm sure if I hadn't told him it bothered me he'd still be calling her. He stopped because *I* wanted him to...not because he wanted to.

 

I do understand what you mean about being insecure...I know I've always been insecure to some degree but with this boyfriend, I'm more insecure than ever.

[summerdreams]

guys ARE able to be friends with their exes and not have any feelings towards her. Wearing t-shirts that she bought for him is nothing (my bf still wears boxers his ex-girlfriend in high school bought for him) heheh they don't believe in throwing useful things out...even if it is from an ex. But, the fact that he kept emails dating back to 1999 is a little sketchy...and THAT tells me that maybe his heart hasn't completely healed from "the one".