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End it now or wait for her?


nels101
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My fiance and I are currently in a long distance relationship. She moved away only 3 months ago after she quit her job and felt she couldn't stay in the area. We have seen each other every weekend since then and things have been good. However, 3 weekends ago I couldn't make the drive to see her. She just started making new friends and met a guy who she liked talking to. He said they couldn't be friends because he was attracted to her. She was curious and interested. And of course the weekend I didn't see her, she slept with this guy. She told me a week ago and we have been trying to talk things out together for a week. She really sounded like she wanted to work things out the most, but as the days went on, she had more and more questions. She asked for this week to think about things. One of my stipulations was that she remember that we are still engaged and she needs to act appropriately (even though she didn't before). This whole infidelity thing kills me but I love her enough to try to work on stuff. However I am also jealous and suspicious. She is alone in the town where this guy is. She told me she wouldn't call him but I know she called him yesterday before I left. And I am 90% sure that after she called to check in on my drive that she went over to his house. She says that the short affair was just a fantasy thing and could never work out. But she didn't live up to her end of our engagement once and I believe again. I am suppose to talk to her on Friday but with this new info I feel like I should just end it now so I don't have to suffer needlessly this week. And since I'm not 100% sure about last night, should I confront her about that first?

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Firstly I am sorry to hear what has happened.

 

Ok before I am blunt I want to say one thing this is only my opinion based on a limited set of information. Also I accept that this view point may seem niave and very simplistic.

 

IMO infedelity is not acceptable in any form. When you are in a committed relationship it is betraying the trust that your partner has in you. It is not only a betrayal but is exposing your partner to other potential risks. Some people couples can work through it but I know I couldnt. You basically cant change the fact that any doubt is well founded as she has proved that she was unfaithful. She has not only betrayed you but lied to you since so how can you be expected to trust her?. Personally I would be preparing to break up unless she can prove that she can be faithful which is almost impossible from this point onwards.

 

Sorry to be so down and its probably not what you want to hear. Remember advice is only that only you know all the facts and can make the right decision for you!!!

 

Best wishes

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Well, I'm usually all for giving someone a second chance if they are TRULY sorry and are not going to repeat the behavior.

 

However, in this case I think she hasn't really ended it with this guy and is playing both of you to see what she wants. As Tonk says we are going on limited information but I think the writing is on the wall. I do not think she is committed 100% to you. And with that, I don't think the engagement is going to work out.

 

I guess if I were you I'd break the engagement. Maybe some time down the road you two could reconcile if she TRULY changes. But for your own dignity and peace of mind I'd end it. You need to make the right decision for you. Remember a relationship takes two of you working at it. If only one person is doing all the work, then its relationship that is bound to fail.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Hang in there.

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hey there... i was in the same situation 4 months ago with my fiance. but when i found out that he was cheating on me with a mutual friend of ours, it started to drive me crazy. he ended up dumping me and getting with the girl but at the same time, i am glad that he did, otherwise i would have been miserable knowing that he liked someone else.

 

what i am trying to say is i don't think you should give her another chance just because who's to say that she won't let it happen again? i mean, if you can't trust the person 100%, then why continue? it's not fair to you or to her to continue a relationship that you know will only end up worse. this is just my opinion and i hope it helps.

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Since everyone has their opinions, I'll throw in mine too, being engaged myself.

 

When I accepted that ring on my finger, it was as much a vow of commitment as the actual marriage will be. That ring still represents love, honesty, commitment, fidelity, compromise, trust, all of it. The marriage is the added piece of paper that binds, but I think the engagement is just as important. My fiance put it in an even stronger way: "When I asked you out and committed myself to you, I commit to you as I would in marriage. No paper or jewelry should make a difference in how much I'm willing to put into this relationship, and, as far as I'm concerned, my faith in you is as strong now as it will be when we're old." I can't say it better myself.

 

Regardless of what status a relationship is in, if it's understood that you're "an item", a "couple", etc., then there is NO excuse for cheating. And engagement? Forget it. I wouldn't DREAM of cheating on my guy, after he took such a big step in asking and I took such a big one in accepting. If I feel it's not right, or I start to have interest in someone else, I'll make QUITE sure I've broken all ties with him first.

 

I would have to agree with Avman and Tonk, etc. If she can treat your engagement this lightly, your LOVE this lightly, and the unspoken promise of commitment that any couple has when they commit to each other only, it's not looking promising that she hasn't or won't do it again. Don't let yourself be hurt numerous times over this woman if she can't be honest with you. The only reason she might feel remorse is because she got caught and now feels guilty. NOT acceptable, in my book. If she had an issue with the relationship that caused her to feel the need to cheat, she should have A) tried talking to you about it, or, worst-case, B) broken up with you first.

 

I'm VERY sorry to hear you're going through this, as I can only imagine what it might be like. But I would really think about what you want and what her actions have shown you, and think about whether this is the woman you want to share the rest of your life with.

 

 

Mar

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I'm really sorry to have read what has happened to you. I've just faced a similar situation and although I loved my girlfriend very much, she has destroyed the very foundation of our relationship...........TRUST!!!

I have broken up with her and I refuse to listen to her excuses. Regardless of anything she has to say, my mind is made up. I just have to be stronger than I usually am so that I can make it through the next few months (years????).

My advice to you is to do the same. If she really loved you, then you have to ask you these questions:

 

1) Why did she feel the need to put distance between the two of you in the first place???

 

2) Why did she stray???

 

3) Why confess, apologise and then go on to repeat her hurtful deeds??

 

I know that you love her and you want to work things out but would you really ever trust her again??? I know that some boredom will set in on most relationships and it's always exciting when someone else takes an interest in you. But to take it any further is to admit to yourself that maybe you don't really love your partner after all. Would she have been so forgiving if it was you that cheated?? Methinks not!!

You have to value yourself alot more than that to accept it as a simple "faux pas" on her behalf. What she has done is morally reprehensible and unforgiveable as far as I'm concerned.

I think you should cut your losses and let her be. She will realise her mistake in time and by then you would have found someone who will appreciate you and the loving qualities you posses. No guy shoul ever have to put up with a cheating partner. I haven't and I will make sure that I do not look back. I have wasted 4 years of my emotions on someone who has taken it for granted. I believe that your fiance is also taking you for granted. She probably anticipated your forgiveness and willingness to resolve the issue. Just ask her one quetion, "If you really love me and want a future with me, then come back home". If she tells you what you don't want to hear then the fate of your future with her is sealed.

As I have said, it's tough to go through a break-up but it's tougher to continue with a lie.

Please do yourself a favour and move on. You deserve much better. Time will make you realise that and so will your new partner. Don't forget how she has betrayed your trust and always remember the hurt she has caused you. You will become stronger when you remind yourself of this.

I hope that you can find it in yourself to move on and deal with the hurt because you will love again and you will be rewarded a a greater love.

Hope it all works out for you. I really do. Love is blind but you can't live in darkness all your life..................

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I'm really sorry, having been in a position of being cheated on myself, I know how you want to give her another chance to prove she can be faithful to you.

 

The problem is that trust is so vital in relationships. That said, it's at least DOUBLY so in any kind of distance relationship, because you've GOT to be able to rely on words as much as actions. Without the body language to back up what someone's saying, and the constant contact to reinforce your security, you have to have "absolute faith" in each other to be true to what you've said. Any doubt will erode away at the relationship until jealousy and doubt are all that's left.

 

At this point, it doesn't seem like she's prepared to be able to give that level of committment to you. It's not fair for you to have to sit and wonder what she's doing based on her actions now; if you already can't trust what she's said to you, that she wasn't going to contact him again, it's going to lead you to question what else she's not telling you, or lying about.

 

I am sorry, but I don't see that your efforts in this case are going to bring you anything but more pain. If she's not capable of being committed to you in the same way you are to her, there's nothing you can do to MAKE her stay true to you, that has to come from her. No fault to you, it sounds like she has some growing up to do, and she can do that without you being in the position of being further hurt while she goes about it.

 

Hey, there's plenty of girls who would KILL to have a guy who was willing to make a trip to see them every weekend, who they could be faithful to without getting hurt themselves at broken promises and committments. I know it might take some time before you're ready to look for one of them, but I think you'll be happier when you know you've got someone you can rely on as much as they can rely on you.

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Thanks for all the advice everyone. It's really nice to hear encouraging words and first hand accounts of similar events. I confronted her over the phone the other night (not too accusatory) about whether she was with this guy again. She denied it, but in the end it doesn't really matter. I don't feel that she has too much remorse and is still just stringing me along. But I have decided to give her this week to think and tell me her thoughts when I see her this weekend. My mind is pretty much made up, but for my own sake, I want to hear what she has to say. I have been calm for the past two days so I am prepared to hear anything. Thanks again and I'll let you all know how things go.

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