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Is my boyfriend Verbally abusive?


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I have a question for all of you on this forum....

 

Would the following be considered abuse or not?

 

Me-I need to talk to you

Him-about what?

Me-I need to talk to you about the way im feeling, i can't put my finger on it but for some reason i feel like your not in love with me any more and like you dont care about me. I'm being left in the dark, but something doesnt feel right.

 

Him- Your not in the Dark

 

Me-Why don't you treat me like you used to

 

Him- you don't treat me like i deserve so why should I treat you any better. All you do is complain about everything that doesnt even exist! Your imagine things and then want to discuss them. Your doing this to us!

 

Me- I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about standing up for myself and speaking my mind, your just trying to control what I say.

 

Him- Your always thinking its a conspiracy against you like someone is out to hurt you, noone is doing anything, your the only one who isnt happy.

 

Me- If "I'm" not happy then how are "we" going to be happy?

 

Him - I'm fine , your the one who isnt happy!

 

Me- then why won't you try to make me happy?

 

Him- I am trying you just wont allow yourself to be happy!

 

Me- Why are you always blaming everything on me,

 

Him- because it is you, your the one who is always starting stuff, your the one who is always bringing this and that up! I don't' come at you with anything.

 

Me- Thats because your afraid to talk about things that are going on.

 

Him- there is nothing going on, you just don't want to be happy!

 

 

 

 

These are the type of conversations I deal with on a Daily basis can you help me? This is so painful, i can't talk to him about anything...can someone help me?

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Hello there,

 

I understand you and your boyfriend are having daily fights concerning the same issues. I also understand that you are wondering if this is considered verbally abusive.

 

I've dealt with a similar situation. Always being blamed for the problems in a relationship, never being able to get a word in because that was considered "complaining." Yes, this is a form of verbal abuse, though it is more subtle and harder to notice than most other forms.

 

You are smart to start questioning this because what this guy is doing is playing a manipulative guilt trip on you, making you feel like you are the cause of everything that is wrong. As if to say "if you would just lighten up, we'd be fine." Truth be known, if you feel there is something wrong in the relationship, chances are it is probably not paranoia. And this guy seems to be trying to manipulate you into believing that it IS your fault and YOU are in the wrong for being so-called "paranoid."

 

you don't treat me like i deserve so why should I treat you any better. All you do is complain about everything that doesnt even exist! Your imagine things and then want to discuss them. Your doing this to us!

 

This particular segment caught my eye. He gets defensive when you ask him a question, and then instead of answering it in a mature, objective way, he turns the tables on you. He won't take responsibility for his actions, and he knows that something he is doing isn't right. Instead of realizing this and working on it, he turns it to you to try and make you feel guilty or worthless.

 

My advice, if you really love this guy and think he's really worth it, perhaps you could try some sort of counseling. In that environment, the counselor could control things so that he cannot attack you and the counselor would help to turn things back around on him. If, however, you think this is not what you want, I suggest strongly that you consider getting out of it. The choice is yours, but from what I have read, I would consider this a form of verbal abuse. It's also simple logic, if you feel that it is, chances are it probably is.

 

Best wishes and good luck

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After reading that cut from your dialog, it seems that one of three things is a immediate issue.

 

1. He does not understand what is bothering you.

2. He does not care for some reason.

3. He has no idea how to show he cares.

 

The next time you speak to him, firstly do it in person. Tell him in a slow fashion exactly when, where, and how you feel the way do.

 

Make sure you deal with this immediately.

 

Ask youself some hard questions. Is there any truth to his words? Do you feel that maybe he does not care?

 

Remember a relationship is alot of work and you will need to work on yourself as much as together to make things work.

 

But you are right, if one is not happy, the relationship will as a whole not happy.

 

Make the right choice, good luck to you.

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Greetings sorry4b4.

 

Just try to assess situation, find where are you standing. And then do what is needed. Maybe it could be counselling as Faeriechyld suggested, or ask a common friend of you to have a chat with him.

 

Do you have any ideas why he is behaving like that? Perhaps he has some problems?

 

Osiris.

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It seems to me you are not communicating at all. Key points

 

1. We need to accept each others feelings even if we dont understand them. Feelings are not open to debate they are there and we need to respect each others.

 

2. We need to open and specific in what we say to each other

 

Having said this men are often very bad at speaking about feelings and often wont accept others. i think it is beaten into us at school. He seems to be feeling things from his comment "you dont treat me the way I deserve" without finding out how and why he feels like this it isnt possible to work out a solution. From the info I have it could be he is arrogant and selfish etc but could also be he doesnt think you are respecting his feelings. Try and find out why he feels like this it is important as well as your own feelings.

 

Try and be more specific to him if you dont understand how you are feeling then how can he. If he doesnt \cant accept your feeling there is no easy answer and the relationship is doomed (sorry to be so blunt this is only my opinion). The same applys the other way around.

 

How we approach conversations like this is important but both partners need to be open if they arent you really are fighting an up hill battle. Counsellijng can be very good for this as can reading books on how to relate to each other

 

Best of luck.

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Based on that conversation only, I'd have to say that you seem to be putting him in a bad situation.

 

You are telling him things are wrong and you are NOT defining how to make things right. Just saying, "pay more attention.. love me more.. " is too vague. You need to be specific with him.

 

So, no, I don't think he is abusive. I think he is rightfully a bit aggrivated.

 

Tell him what you want, exactly. He may not be willing to do that, but at least you each know where you stand.

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You'd think that they would learn occasionally and take things to heart. They are always pretending like things are so complicated or that we are making things up, that really burns me up.

 

Men look at arguments as a competition, and women want to nurture the problem and look at it under a big magnifying glass, and men just want to think there is no problem or it is all in our heads!!

 

I think it is just the holidays and the economy that has everyone on edge, really I do!!

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Well I knew some women as well that look at arguments as a competition

 

Imho the key is cooperation, blaming and generalisation leads nowhere.

If second person does`t want or unable for some reason to stay in a constructive relationship then perhaps it`s time to move on.

 

However the situation has to be assessed properly before taking any tough action. And the fact that one is in love have to be taken in consideration.

As people saying act only when your heart and mind is in agreement.

 

All the best,

 

Osiris.

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