Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

Too needy. Anyone who posts this kind of convo to get advice is obviously WAY too concerned about other details when he should instead be working on himself. You made too big a deal of minor points--even major points should be brushed off. You must show that you are OK with everything, so stop asking so many questions, telling her what she should be doing, and having little digs. Your next convo with her should make her feel good; that will make you feel good too. Hold back when you're about to make a demand or have an even gentle dig. See if you can do that. Then see what the result is.

 

And I think you should just let her come to the gig. And you should NOT behave the way you did in the convo. Focus on having a good time no matter what may come up. No serious talk, no guilt trip, no sadness. I think you have a chance here if you can just man up a little and give up the neediness--all said to help you, I hope you know. You need to hear it.

[CrapAtNC]

Hey Crap, like many others, I've read this entire thread... You should write a book! Anyway, I was wondering your thoughts on nonchalance while long distance. My very-recent ex with whom I've had a lot of history moved about 3-4 hours away right after the breakup. I always knew that I would do NC and try (that's the key word) being nonchalant, but I'd be interested to hear opinions... Does it play a role at all? What would be the impact?

 

LDRs benefit from a more nonchalant approach than other relationships, I believe. LDRs must be based on trust and must put in extra effort to keep things upbeat and positive and attractive. Just show that you're happy to hear from your ex, not reliant on her approval of anything you do, and able to make every communication fun and exciting for her. Tease a little. Flirt a little. Don't allow things to get too serious. Always be the first to end the convo, usually at a high point. Leave your ex wanting more. This will bring them closer . . . which is exactly what you want. You just need to enjoy life more and show that you want to bring your ex into that.

[CrapAtNC]

Your job is to LEAD. It doesn't matter what she does; you will lead the convo to where you want it to go. That's actually what she wants (apologies for the generalisation, but women usually just want to be heard, not to have their problems solved for them). If she's in a foul mood, let her know you understand she's unhappy about whatever it is, that you want to help her, and that you guys can do that later in the week (when her bad mood has passed--don't tell her that). Try repeating what she says so she knows you hear and understand her: "So, if I understand right, you're really unhappy that I blah, blah, blah . . ." Believe it or not, that's ALL that it needs. "I can understand that would make you unhappy; it would pee me off too." Then change the subject. Bring up something more positive that you are sure she will want to talk about.

 

Being nonchalant isn't about being dishonest. If you're not OK with the break-up, simply say that you wish it hadn't happened but that you want to respect her wishes and have simply accepted her decision and now have to find happiness without her. In an upbeat way.

 

Forget the 'we can chill together' question. You don't need answers. Just let her know that you respect her request for space and you really don't want to crowd her on anyone ever again. Show you are learning.

 

If you really think that anything you say will screw it up, then say nothing. Tell her you can hear she's unhappy and you wish you could conjure up some magic spell to make everything right for her. Then change the convo. If she asks why you won't talk about the relationship, simply ask what she wants to talk about and LISTEN. Repeat what she says and she will say more. Don't offer answers. There are no correct answers. She needs to be heard. That's all.

 

Now stop worrying so much. No more questions. Learn to listen. Don't make me go NC on you!

 

Crap

[just not sure]

i can agree with everything you said. my plan was to just not contact her at all and let her come to me, but then i saw that she wanted to go to the game and i guess i got excited

 

the thing about the game is, i told her numerous times that i wanted her to go just because it would be an environment where it WOULDN'T be about anything but having a good time and she didn't think that would be the case. now as soon as i take my TV back she wants to go and only because i have a feeling her new dude will also be there.

 

it seems like she's playing the nonchalance game as well, and playing it perfectly. there's no way she really doesn't feel a tinge of sadness or regret over the fact that our 4 year relationship is over, is there?

[CrapAtNC]

As someone who just went out for a drive with his ex to get something to eat in the city only to discover that I was also to drop her off at the new guy's afterward, I can tell you that you should not react in any negative way should your ex's new guy be at the gig. It's a tough one, but it's essential; don't let that stuff bother you.

[just not sure]

Now she's calling me because this girl we both know is lying to her about me. This keeps getting better and better.

[bungalo]

Crap, I think you have some good stuff...but How? How? How? Do you just turn it off if you're invested in this person? It's not like you can flip a switch in your heart and go into robo mode.....right?? In my case, I spent over half a decade with her...and I'm supposed to just become...happy-go-lucky..water off a duck's ass guy? Look, I know I can be...somewhat detached..or..as you say nonchalant...but..for how long? Isn't this just an act when you really care for someone with your whole heart?

[sunnyv]

hi all

 

it will be 2 weeks nc coming up this friday. today she texted me and said that somebody in class smells like me. should i break nc and just send a smile face?? i was planning on doing that tonight and then if she responds back just ignoring that text till the next text she sends in a day or two. any words of advice on being nonchalent here. i thought the smiley face would be nonchalent. is almost 2 weeks of nc enough time for her to miss me? or should i keep going and send no smiley face. keep in mind she is dating the guy she broke up with me for. so i am sure they are still in bliss but she has texte me almost every day in these two weeks of nc, if not every day, then every other day or ever other other day. words of advice anybody?

[pinktroll]

As someone who just went out for a drive with his ex to get something to eat in the city only to discover that I was also to drop her off at the new guy's afterward, I can tell you that you should not react in any negative way should your ex's new guy be at the gig. It's a tough one, but it's essential; don't let that stuff bother you.

 

WoW Crap! That is resolve of steel... I've improved at NC over the years, and I think I'm getting better at nonchalance in my normal (non-dating) life, but I am in awe of you right now.

[CrapAtNC]

Now she's calling me because this girl we both know is lying to her about me. This keeps getting better and better.

 

And what are you doing when she calls and says that?

 

Crap, I think you have some good stuff...but How? How? How? Do you just turn it off if you're invested in this person? It's not like you can flip a switch in your heart and go into robo mode.....right?? In my case, I spent over half a decade with her...and I'm supposed to just become...happy-go-lucky..water off a duck's ass guy? Look, I know I can be...somewhat detached..or..as you say nonchalant...but..for how long? Isn't this just an act when you really care for someone with your whole heart?

 

I don't switch it off; it's impossible. Instead, I accept the feelings but don't act on them. That's the difference. Problems come and go, but it's how we react to them that has the most lasting effect. If you really love her--and yourself--you must understand that the greatest gift you can give both of you is to no longer feed negativity between you. You're still caring a great deal, but this time in the healthiest way possible. I still help my ex. We still do a few things together. I still care. I just do so in a non-needy, non-destructive way.

 

hi all

 

it will be 2 weeks nc coming up this friday. today she texted me and said that somebody in class smells like me. should i break nc and just send a smile face?? i was planning on doing that tonight and then if she responds back just ignoring that text till the next text she sends in a day or two. any words of advice on being nonchalent here. i thought the smiley face would be nonchalent. is almost 2 weeks of nc enough time for her to miss me? or should i keep going and send no smiley face. keep in mind she is dating the guy she broke up with me for. so i am sure they are still in bliss but she has texte me almost every day in these two weeks of nc, if not every day, then every other day or ever other other day. words of advice anybody?

 

Sure, send the smiley. But that's all. That you're here asking questions about how to react and what to do next says it all: you're not ready for anything else yet. She needs to experience the consequences of choosing someone else over you, and that means you must start pulling back. Wait until you're completely at ease with everything--the situation, her new relationship, yourself--before trying to strike up any meaningful kind of dialogue with her. Best of luck!

 

WoW Crap! That is resolve of steel... I've improved at NC over the years, and I think I'm getting better at nonchalance in my normal (non-dating) life, but I am in awe of you right now.

 

I let out a kind of 'tsssss' as I bit my tongue and just looked out the car window. I wish I'd not reacted at all. She was looking at me to see how I'd react, but I looked back and smiled. There were a million nasty things (wrongfully) wanting to burst out and hurt her the same way I just hurt then, but I can dispel those now quite quickly and easily. When I dropped her off, she kept looking back at me. I've decided today that I need to see less of her, which isn't easy, as we're next door neighbours, incredibly close, and tied up in a few activities, but for sure it's time to let her experience the consequences of her choice and for me to let go.

 

Having said that, she keeps raising the point that I'm the one who told her that we will never be lovers again, because I don't think I'll ever feel secure knowing that she was considering this new guy when we were doing absolutely great and she was full of love and affection for me. In her mind, I'm the one who is in the driving seat here. I broke up with her, and I will never take her back. But I won't discuss anything like that unless she brings it up.

 

I'm planning some distractions. I'm dating around now, in the basic sense (going on dates; no sexual activity just yet, though skinnydipping is largely on the agenda). There's no one who really floats my boat the way she did, but it's important to keep exercising that dating muscle. It's much easier being nonchalant when you know you have some pretty company coming up at the weekend.

[mr_zanon]

Crap, you're the man. I'm slowly learning to be nonchalant not just with the girls, but with everything in life. It makes me feel so much better...sometimes I genuinely don't care about some stuff that happens to me, and I like it.

[CrapAtNC]

Crap, you're the man. I'm slowly learning to be nonchalant not just with the girls, but with everything in life. It makes me feel so much better...sometimes I genuinely don't care about some stuff that happens to me, and I like it.

 

Yes! I'm happy for you, mate. It's the best place to be. It's not caring so much about what happens that's the goal, rather than not caring about ourselves or others--you've got it so right.

[PaleSeptember]

This may be a silly question, and perhaps it's already in this thread someplace, but does this apply to both genders? Regarding how women respond to men who act this way, do men positively respond to women that are nonchalant?

[The_Seeker]

This may be a silly question, and perhaps it's already in this thread someplace, but does this apply to both genders? Regarding how women respond to men who act this way, do men positively respond to women that are nonchalant?

 

LOL I'm curious as well. I guess I'll be the first test dummy. My ex hasn't contacted me yet. It's been 2 months. I know he'll contact me out of the blue.

 

;] Cuz he is sooooooooo guilty.

[CrapAtNC]

Push and pull works in both directions.

 

I'm male, and I know for sure that I am drawn to a woman who just doesn't seem to care of she gets me or not. In fact, that kind of confidence, that kind of worthiness, has me chasing them like crazy every time. The best relationships are those where this is done in balance or where both are happy with their place in the nonchalance hierarchy.

 

I always fall most deeply in love when I feel my own love is desired rather than needed. It takes away all the pressure, and, to me, is a sign of real love rather than the manifestation of someone else's insecurities and other issues.

 

The ex just showed up to get her car back. Bonus points to me for not answering any of her calls or message this morning (my phone drowned in the washing machine, which helps, though don't try it at home). The result? She greeted me with a HUGE smile, fun behaviour, and a request to meet this evening (it's a very special day in my country, meaning 'for eternity', so I'm surprised she wants to spend the evening with me and not the bf, but then I did just ignore three communications from her, albeit unwittingly).

 

I now have to decide whether to allow her to see me tonight. I guess if I stay upbeat and nonchalant, it would be a good idea. I'm in a great mood today, so maybe I will. We only dated seriously for a month, so I really feel I have to spend a little more time ingraining in her subconscious just what a great guy I am. But then again, who cares?

 

Cheers, all!

[bungalo]

don't switch it off; it's impossible. Instead, I accept the feelings but don't act on them. That's the difference. Problems come and go, but it's how we react to them that has the most lasting effect. If you really love her--and yourself--you must understand that the greatest gift you can give both of you is to no longer feed negativity between you. You're still caring a great deal, but this time in the healthiest way possible. I still help my ex. We still do a few things together. I still care. I just do so in a non-needy, non-destructive way.

 

I agree with this for the most part. There will always be negativity. I guess like you said, don't feed it. How do you get to this point after a breakup? What's the timeframe? What's the approach?

[CrapAtNC]

There are many ways. Visualization works, whereby you see yourself reacting the way you would like and playing it over and over in your head; acceptance is crucial, because when we accept a situation we kill the source of most of the stress; modeling is great, where you find a suitable role model--someone who would behave completely nonchalantly when bad things happen (007?) and overcomes because of it; and simply by realising that negativity is what brought about your situation in the first place, it's what destroyed your relationship, and it's what made your ex unhappy. The last one alone is enough for me to want to force myself to change.

 

There's no timeframe. It took me more than a year with the ex I originally came on these boards for; it took me four hours with the most recent one.

 

Remember this: you'll get there more quickly once you stop caring so much about how. ;-)

[LarsWB]

HHHMMM.....Crap I've been reading this entire thread, and I must say that from here on out I'm thriving to get to a point similar to yours. Excellent advice, excellent thread. Thanks!

[Strife]

I'll be adopting this tomorrow, when my ex moves into the house we share at university - I think it's the only way I can get slap bang between being friendly and yet at the same time withdrawn from her, as a result of her ending things. I'll let everyone know how it goes...I'm hoping it should be sorta easy for me - I'm a laid back person in general, so all I need to do it extend it into this relationship (or whats left of it).

[Live-N-Learn]

Crap,

 

Would this be ok to tell her if I am tired of all the mixed signals? You know my story. Thanks

 

Btw. She sent me a text today and said "I hate you" I think she is joking cuz I am in San Francisco having fun without her. Who knows what she is thinking, I never do.

 

I have come to the realization that we should just be friends. I hoped we would be further along than we are by now, but were not and that's Ok. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means your being true to your feelings and I need to be true to mine. I value your friendship and we can continue to hang out. Its just that I need to open myself up to someone who wants the same thing I do.

[CrapAtNC]

Just dashing out the door, so have to be brief.

 

You can actually say anything you want as long as it's delivered playfully, teasingly, upbeatly (I made that word up), and nonchalantly. If you're tired of mixed signals, find a way to tell her such so that it's actually funny. Always deliver with a knowing smile. "You know, sometimes everything is black with you, and the next day everything's white. Overall, that makes everything pretty grey around here. If you're gonna keep sending mixed signals, could you at least make them a little more colorful?"

 

Then move on. If she wants to know what you mean, just blow it off with a smile or a wink and change the subject. If she gets persistent, say that you she should never work as a railway signalman (or some similar signal-oriented job she'll understand) because she'll cause an accident.

 

If she wants to have a serious discussion about it, just say it's not a big deal; you just think it's funny that you can't take her too seriously. Then immediately change the subject.

 

I can probably think of better responses when not dashing out, but I hope you get the idea.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well Crap,

 

I responded to her " I hate you" text earlier today. I do think she was joking just being jeolous that I am in San Franciso without her.

 

Here is what I said. Tried to be funny. How did I do? I almost hate to ask. haha

 

Everyone knows that love and hate are the same emotion. So what your saying is you love me. Of course you do, what's not to love!

 

Don't beat me up too bad, I'm trying. btw...she has not responded back yet so I doubt she is really mad at me or she would have text back right away. So we will see.

 

I do want to talk to her about how I am feeling. The real isssue for me is I am paying for everything and when we are out it's like we are not even on a date or even close friends. She gives her gay friends more affection than she gives me and it hurts. I feel like she is almost embarassed to let people know we are close. I am starting to feel bad about myself and losing respect for myself. Starting to feel like I am settling for less than I deserve and she is taking advantage. I don't think it's intentional but it's happening. If she is not going to call it a date and start showing me more affection in public, then I am going to stop paying. I want out of this spot and need to find a way to tell her we should just be friends if she is going to treat me this way.

 

How do I tell her playfully that I am hurt and we should just be friends unless she wants to date me?

[mr_zanon]

I'm not Crap, but let's see...

Everyone knows that love and hate are the same emotion. So what your saying is you love me. Of course you do, what's not to love!

I don't think it was a good idea, because you're literally telling her how she really feels about you, you're "putting words in her mouth". I think that something like "it's ok, you're not the only one would've been better. It gives a impression like "oh...so what? NEXT!"

How do I tell her playfully that I am hurt and we should just be friends unless she wants to date me?

I think you can't. You can't be nonchalant and simultaneously care about where you stand. The point is that you're friends and you should show her that you're ok with that. Otherwise, it's not nonchalance, it's needyness ( is it even a word?).

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well she called tonight and we laughed and she said I was the only one she could have sent that text to that would know she was joking. So no harm no foul, I am sure she took my text as a joke as well. Hey, it was much better than panicing and responding, what do you mean? What did I do? I'm learning

 

Anyways, I ended the call after bout 20 min and told her I had to go and would call her back. I have not called her back. Its kinda late and she does this to me all the time. If she asks why I didn't call back, I will tell her I was abducted by an alien lol

 

Ok so I can't have the talk, so how do I transition from paying for everything when we go out?

[CrapAtNC]

I agree with Mr_Zanon above. Good points.

 

LarsWB and Strife, I look forward to hearing how much more enjoyable your days and interactions are.

 

L-N-L, you're changing from being a wuss to showing that you're more assertive. So you tell us how you'll transition. For what it's worth, I've been penniless for years now and the dates almost always pay for me. I give a lot in return, and when I can afford to be, I'm generous. But the point is, who pays for the meal isn't as important as you think it might be. If you're tired of paying, do something about it. Playfully, of course.

 

My ex ended up having a coffee and then a drink at my place last night, wearing nothing but one of my T-shirts. She's told me the new guy isn't serious, and that they're just dating--meaning they're still free to date others. She told me she wanted me to kiss her. I did, and then pulled back immediately afterwards. We talked a little about what lead to the break up, but I kept it light and brief. She wants me to accompany her next time she has TV or movie work to promote. This means she wants me to start meeting her in-crowd. That was a surprise, but I responded coolly (but nicely).

 

Even though I slipped a little earlier in the week, I recovered well, and I've made sure that all communications since are upbeat and playful, even (and particularly) when I would otherwise be hurt by what was being said or done.

 

Funny thing is, I'm really not bothered whether we get back or not right now. I truly feel she has a little work to do. Even then, I'm still keeping my options open and nothing serious. I have a fun date lined up on Sunday. The ex keeps trying to find out who I'm dating, but I'm being mysterious.

 

Have a nonchalant weekend, all!

 

 

Crap