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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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First time she called me at 7am ... Yea, sleep is more important. Second call I didn't get because my phone was upstairs. How should I reply to this? I'm afraid my nonchalance will be too ... arrogant/cocky for her?

 

Don't reply! Her first thought is to take it personally... for all she knew, you could have had an accident, or lost your phone. You don't need to justify anything to her really do you?

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Kate Update!!

 

Been absent on here for a while as I have been busy building myself a new sparkly, shiny life!! Anyway, I thought it time to check in to see how people are getting on with their new nonchalant lifestyle and also to let you know how it is going in my world (hey if anyone is interested!!).

 

This thread has been fundamental in getting me back on my feet and healed after my break up (coinciding with me also discovering The Secret). I know I have a long way to go but I do feel on top of the world most days. Honestly! My weeks are filled with dinners with friends, fun times with my son, and at least one date (the last 4 weeks, the weekly date has been with the same guy).

 

My ex has been sniffing around constantly and, the more time I spend with other people, the more irritating I am finding him to be honest. I told him a while back that I didn't really want to be friends but, if he wanted me back, he would have to join the queue and ask me out on a date. He didn't bother but hinted that he would like to go out so I finally asked him to a gig last Friday. It made me realise that he is just an unreasonable, passive aggressive waster! He was negative the whole time and made a big thing about having no money (I had to pay for everything and he then made out that I was unreasonable when I asked for some cash for the gig and train tickets).

 

It came to a head today when he asked if I wanted to go out for coffee and I told him I didn't want another date with him. We ended up arguing. Basically him making excuses for how he was acting (tired, no money etc etc). He texted after to say he was scared of commitment as it makes him aware of his own mortality but he knows we are perfect together and wants to grow old with me. I just said he was too scared to make a go of it, and too scared to let me go, and I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with fear at its foundations. He ended up calling then asking if I wanted to go to the fireworks in London for new year and I told him I didn't want to stand around in the cold and seeing the new year in with him and it was too little too late. We argued again with me shouting at him to google how to win someone back as he didn't have a clue how to get his feathers out!! He then texted asking if we could talk later and I told him there really is nothing to talk about, I have had enough. He then proceeded to call me and pop round for a cup of tea!! And acted like nothing happened!!! I was just civil with him (didn't want to kick off in front of my son) but the whole situation has just left me drained.

 

I now know that I don't actually want him back, so I know that my healing will have to take a bit of a step back whilst I come to terms with it being totally over. I am still in the best place and the happiest I have been my whole life though He did me a huge favour by making me see his true colours, and giving me freedom to find someone who will love me with 100% of their heart! I hope he does sort himself out (for HIM), but I don't want to be babysitting him for the rest of his life. The next one will have to look after me for a change and treat me like the princess I am!!

 

Sorry its a long one - its several weeks worth condensed into one ;-) I guess I am just trying to say that nonchalance helps you realise your true worth - and realise that you have settled for less than you deserve. Thanks Crap and everyone else

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It's a weird feeling isn't it? It's so ... conflicting.

 

On one hand, you kind want to get back together with the ex, for obvious reasons. On the other hand, s/he's always so sad, depressed, angry, nervous, uncomfortable (aka, NEGATIVE) around you that you just think to yourself, "Why would I want to be with someone like this? S/he's just a mess!"

 

Sounds like you're doing great though. Cheers!

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Apologies for my absence; had a lot on my plate.

 

jellysandwich, bear in mind that you want to reward what you want to see more of, so when you get a message that you genuinely like, respond. You'll then find she will send more of the same. If you don't respond at all when she's clearly making some effort, you won't be able to show her how nonchalant and upbeat you are now.

 

Kate, you're doing great. I felt there were some things that you didn't need to be doing, but clearly you're in the driving seat now, and that's great to see!

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It's a weird feeling isn't it? It's so ... conflicting.

 

On one hand, you kind want to get back together with the ex, for obvious reasons. On the other hand, s/he's always so sad, depressed, angry, nervous, uncomfortable (aka, NEGATIVE) around you that you just think to yourself, "Why would I want to be with someone like this? S/he's just a mess!"

 

^ This. It really is like you said so conflicting. Laughable almost at times.

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Yea, I ended up replying. I actually spent an hour or so doing research, "how to deal with angry people" LOL.

 

I couldn't decide whether I wanted to reply or not Figured I should, mostly because I like to write nowadays!

 

Sorry about not being able to respond to your calls. From what I can tell, you feel angry and frustrated at me. Is that accurate? I can understand why that is. At least I think so.

 

If you'd still like to talk or anything, just let me know. I'll try harder to respond to you next time.

 

 

She responded back:

 

Why didn't you respond to my calls at the first place? Give me a convincing reason. I was mad at you, but it is not a big deal anymore.

 

Just wonder what should we talk about? Your life or mine?

 

This one I definitely will respond to, just can't think of any good jokes atm.

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I really like this idea of nonchalance and think I could use more of it in my life

 

I am reading this book call “Love Busters” In it there is a concept that everyone has two “personalities” when it comes to a relationship, the Giver and the Taker. In short, the Giver is only concerned with the other persons needs and forgoes their own while the Taker is the exact opposite and is only concerned with their own needs. We use both to varying degrees in our relationships. Following what I am hearing in this thread, many that need to go Nonchalant are those who tend to be mostly/only Givers in a relationship. Nonchalance is actually part of the Takers personality.

 

The book’s author, Willard Harley, believes a balance of the two roles is required for a sustainable relationship. And this makes perfect sense. Those going Nonchalant are actually getting in touch with their Taker. And in the beginning of a relationship being primarily a Taker is not only healthy but is also attractive. The Taker helps with being happy go lucky, independent, not being too interested and getting them to chase you, nonchalance at its finest. But as the relationship progresses don’t lose touch with your Giver and strike a balance between the two. There are a few posts in this tread stating concern about being too nonchalant, that it can backfire, and I must agree. Being just a Taker in a relationship is just as unhealthy as being just a Giver. I believe it is all about the right balance at the right time.

 

GL

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[/b] Another good book is The Passion Trap. instead of Givers and Takers, it's One up and One Down. Premise is we assume these roles, and until we develop healthy boundaries, unwittingly unravel our rel/ships...because they become unbalanced. I haven't read Love Busters, but TPT impressed me because it is not fully of psychobabbly, incredibly complicated, childhood rooted stuff that you have to wade through..more straight forward..there is no pathologizing going on....(ie..she/he leaves/come back/leaves...because..they're bi-polar, BPD..Emotionally unavailable...blahblahblah)...anyway it's a good read, and some of the descriptions of the one-down's emotions were chillingly accurate.

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Update!!

Well saw the ‘ol ex in the office today, was standing at the lifts chatting to my friend Angie about me moving down to London/My House situation (I’m gonna be a landlord start of next year!! Check me out! All grown up now!!) and she was in the cash office, we saw each other, gave each other an acknowledging nod, I just carried on chatting to Angie, the ex turned her head back,and to me looked like she was really concentrating looking forward away from me(probably reading waaaay too much into that but hey ho)

 

So the lifts came, now as I walked towards the lift I looked over at her,was going to stop, go over and say hello…but you know what, I changed my mind thought, “Nahhh ,I’ll catch you another time love, I’m busy, don’t really need to chat to you today” and off I went.

For the first time since the break up I’ve not wanted to chat to her, just didn’t really feel the need!,even thinking about it afterwards I wasn’t too fussed about not chatting to her, think I’m seriously starting to detach from her now, I think about her differently these days if that makes sense?? I’m pretty chuffed with myself for getting this far, seems the no reply to my text and email has had a positive change in a weird way, I didn’t stress or get down about it, just got on with my life.

 

I honestly feel a hell of a lot more happier about me, my life, the direction I’m heading nowadays, am always laughing and joking, I look so much brighter now too!! So many people have commented on how good I look/how well I’m looking/I’m looking younger/leaner I am and I'm full of energy!! I am just full of life these days, it really feels great to feel like this again,so long may this feeling continue! and I’ve been getting bigged up from all over…. confidence is high once again!!! Even been asked why I’m still single? I’m a great catch apparently!

 

Oh yeah and as it’s Friday, had my smart casual gear on as I’m going out to a bar straight after work with some friends , so hair done, freshly shaved this morning (My ‘tash for Movember is looking great also) and looking damn fine for tonight’s events….. and if I’m honest ,she looked a bit scruffy when I saw her, tut tut standards!! you never know when you may run into your ex, don't wanna be looking like a scruffbag now do we!! heh heh!!

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WTG Paulod

I'm feeling similar and getting similar comments. It really does feel great.

 

My 'Mo' is looking sensational - its funny with that - most of the men tell me its stupid(jealous I reckon- it is a beauty),whilst most of the women reckon its great! Mmmm - might have to keep it. I'm getting called 'Chopper' - There's a infamous underworld figure here in Australia named Chopper Read - it's a real kick and I think it adds personality to me without doing anything and its a great openner. So I'd suggest to you all - change the way you look - different haircut, dye your hair, grow a mo - try it and see what happens.

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Very, very true. I can think of one person in particular who was a little TOOOO nonchalant (to the point where I had to ask him if he was even attracted to me because I couldn't tell, to which he answered yes), but the NC is so persistent. I'm starting to wonder... either this guy isn't into me, he's playing too hard to get, he's reconciling with his ex, or something. But I'm backing off now because it is starting to become one-sided and, well, annoying. So strike a balance!

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I think I killed it. With fire.

 

Is it possible to be ... too nonchalant? I'm pretty sure I drove her away hahahaha!

 

But.... if they aren't confident enough to even try to accept your nonchalance, or even outnonchalance you, then they aint really worth the effort ;-) Do you want a needy person in your life anyway really? They need to either fight for you in a self respecting way and lay their cards on the table, or prove themselves worthy enough for you to do the same back.

 

What she is doing is like not entering a competition cos 'I probably wont win anyway'....

 

x

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Dear all,

 

When we're being nonchalant, we're still flirting, showing interest, making compliments, but in a non-needy way, and with no expectation or care about the outcome. We're just not letting ourselves be affected by what we don't like. We're upbeat, cheeky, and fun to be around.

 

Don't mistake nonchalance for not caring, for being rude, for not wanting to talk. Try to picture nonchalance with a big smile on your face, a genuine smile, a smile that says "I'm fine; you're fine; we're all fine!" And it's not about ignoring every call, and especially not pulling away from positive moves by our exes.

 

I've been a bit busy lately; if any of you are waiting for replies to PMs, I'll do my best to get on that today.

 

Nonchalantly on!

 

 

Crap

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Dear all,

 

When we're being nonchalant, we're still flirting, showing interest, making compliments, but in a non-needy way, and with no expectation or care about the outcome. We're just not letting ourselves be affected by what we don't like. We're upbeat, cheeky, and fun to be around.

 

Don't mistake nonchalance for not caring, for being rude, for not wanting to talk. Try to picture nonchalance with a big smile on your face, a genuine smile, a smile that says "I'm fine; you're fine; we're all fine!" And it's not about ignoring every call, and especially not pulling away from positive moves by our exes.

 

I've been a bit busy lately; if any of you are waiting for replies to PMs, I'll do my best to get on that today.

 

Nonchalantly on!

 

 

Crap

 

But do we make the first move or reach out? My ex seemed to be open to communication, but I think he might be seeing someone now so he hasn't reached out and asked to hang out when he said he would. I'm learning not to see him as the old guy I knew (aka my bf then, of course) so I know he has his own life, and I have my own. It's just in what circumstances does nonchalance work? Maybe I'm asking a question that's already answerable, but sigh...it is so hard to maintain being just okay with everything when you are still in love with your ex and can't go without a day of thinking of them.

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But do we make the first move or reach out? My ex seemed to be open to communication, but I think he might be seeing someone now so he hasn't reached out and asked to hang out when he said he would. I'm learning not to see him as the old guy I knew (aka my bf then, of course) so I know he has his own life, and I have my own. It's just in what circumstances does nonchalance work? Maybe I'm asking a question that's already answerable, but sigh...it is so hard to maintain being just okay with everything when you are still in love with your ex and can't go without a day of thinking of them.

 

I believe Crap tells us let them reach out to us, first.

 

LOL That's what I'm doing. I haven't heard from him since the breakup. It's ok because I'm opened to meeting new people, developing friends, career, and money on my mind to get what I want in life.

 

Nonchalant does work. It's amazing. Act like you don't care, but you're just having fun is definitely positive. Most importantly, you need to be/want/am positive.

 

I know if my ex contacts me, I rather have him to tell me he wants me back. So I'll ignore his calls, texts, or whatever else. ;] Not letting him get any satisfaction with those pathetic reasons he gave me and disrespected me. Do I care? LOL No, because I know I am the best, and probably be too busy flirting with other guys. He needs to deal with his own issues.

 

Anyway going on a tangent. Your ex should contact you first. You don't want to be needy.

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I'm all for reaching out if you are the right place emotionally and can do it in a way that says you're confident, happy, and unconcerned about any outcome, which is why I always advocate suggesting ("I'll be in a cafe near you tomorrow lunch; come join me for a coffee if you're free.") rather than a request ("Would you like to have coffee with me tomorrow lunch?").

 

However, if you're able to wait until they come to you, and you can keep your nonchalant composure, then it's far better for your chances of reconciliation--certainly not guaranteed, but better, as clearly you must have stopped chasing them away.

 

I'm not a big fan of the "only contact me if you want to get back together" ultimatums, as I believe there is a whole lot more that should happen, naturally, before you even get to that stage, such as rebuilding attraction, which can only be done with a little contact. Also, it pays to reward the kind of contact you want to see more of; ignore the insignificant stuff, but if you get an "I miss you" reply with an "Of course!", or respond to an "I've been thinking" with a "Thanks for the kind words"--anything that tells your ex you will communicate if he or she shows a little more consideration to you and a possible reconciliation.

 

I had to text my ex yesterday, after about six weeks of NC, to let her know that one of her car tyres was dangerously low on air--I could never have forgiven myself if anything had happened because she didn't notice it herself (we live on a very dangerous mountain road). She responded with a "Thank you. You're still lovely." I ignored it. She was saying that when cheating on me. Plus, truth be told, I'm not interested in getting back with her.

 

We codependents often find that, once we begin working on our codependency, we start to find our exes less attractive, as we see them for the broken people they are rather than "someone who needs me." My ex is a depressive and serial cheater--if I was still codependent, I would have been drawn to sticking with her. Now, I see it as her problem to fix and mine not to support by sticking around. We both deserve someone better for us.

 

OK, going to respond to the PMs I've not had time to till now . . .

 

 

Crap

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