Nonchalance is Your Friend

[The_Seeker]

It certainly is possible. And knowing that he hasn't done any work on himself between relationships, I am sure that his latest will crash and burn on him at some point. But that could be years from now, and I have no intention of waiting around to see what happens. I guess I don't understand why time wouldn't make the dumpers move on even further from us, yet I keep reading about dumpers that call their ex out of the blue four months after they broke up with them. In four months, I don't plan to even remember what my ex LOOKS LIKE with any clarity! Why would he be any different? Why would NC allow a dumpee to move on but not the dumper?

 

Four months for contacts? LOL Then I'm in luck. I'm only on Month 2 coming on Month 3 pretty soon.

 

It depends whether the dumper is forced to end the relationship by the suppose victimized dumpee. Just to warn you.

 

The person who is willing not to leave the relationship, more passionate, and willing to work things out, realize they are a good person and has no guilt for doing what they could to save the relationship.

 

The person who ended the relationship emotionally, might of fell out love then realizes is still in love, or miss the intimacy with another human being, has ton of guilt, and did try hard enough.

 

Anyone correct me if I'm wrong. I'm pretty new to relationship stuff. I only had one so far.

[Fluffy101]

It depends whether the dumper is forced to end the relationship by the suppose victimized dumpee. Just to warn you.

 

I'm not sure I follow you.

[The_Seeker]

I'm not sure I follow you.

 

For example, my ex couldn't end the relationship even though he wanted out. So he plays this game where he doesn't respond, ignore your calls, and basically pretend he is busy which is bs. Everyone has their phone attached to them. Besides I know during the beginning our relationship he would always respond. See what a liar he is.

 

So I ended it. I just wanted to see what his true character is for two weeks. So yea I was the one who ended the relationship physically while he ended it emotionally. Therefore in my relationship I was the dumper. And he was the victimized dumpee. Pretty pathetic don't you think?

[Fluffy101]

Okay, I follow you--he took the cowardly approach out of the relationship. He basically made you dump him. That is SO weak! I hate it when guys won't man-up and just tell the truth! I mean, I know that they don't want to hurt us and that there is often a TON of guilt, but trying to put it on the other person is such a weaselly thing to do.

 

Honestly, I won't be convinced of any justice in this world until my ex's new relationship ends. And it is SO HARD for me not to interfere in any way, since it would be really easy to do. I am also finding that the more time that passes, the more I resent my ex for just cutting me out of his life after claiming that I was important to him and that he really wanted to try to be friends. I probably wouldn't bother being friends with him anyway, but it annoys me that he was full of crap and didn't actually give a damn about the value that I brought to his life. But hey, whatever, he's someone else's problem now. I hope for his sake that he doesn't just call me out of the blue one day, because he will NOT get a warm reception from me. I know that we have one final financial matter that will need to be attended to in the new year, so I will have to see him eventually at least one more time, but if this lack of contact continues I am unlikely to even give him the time of day beyond that point. And we had a really civil breakup! But whatever, his loss.

[VinnieMarlboro]

It certainly is possible. And knowing that he hasn't done any work on himself between relationships, I am sure that his latest will crash and burn on him at some point. But that could be years from now, and I have no intention of waiting around to see what happens. I guess I don't understand why time wouldn't make the dumpers move on even further from us, yet I keep reading about dumpers that call their ex out of the blue four months after they broke up with them. In four months, I don't plan to even remember what my ex LOOKS LIKE with any clarity! Why would he be any different? Why would NC allow a dumpee to move on but not the dumper?

 

Does it make sense that time and distance would make the dumper's heart grow fonder while it makes the dumpee able to detach and move on? Any thoughts on this?

 

This is what I am finding -Time and distance allows you to look back and reflect on your relationship. It seems(to me) that I now remember more bad than good - logic starts to take over once the emotions subside. I was getting myself to a place that I was really liking - moving on. I didnt have her or my family but I was beginning to be very happy within myself. Then she rings and we get back together. I immediately went back to being the person I was before. I believe this is a result of co dependancy. Therefore, Time and Distance allows you to be the person you want to be. Its really a question of starting that process. Instead of thinking for two you are now thinking for ONE.

Take control of yourself, do things you want to do and enjoy them - it is a hard long road but the light at the end of the tunnel is there - you got to believe that.

 

What the dumper is thinking/doing is an unknown to me - but from reasearch here and other places it seems(to me) Time and Distance allows them to remember the good in the relationship. At the time of the breakup they have already had the emotional ride and plateau after the decision is made. So by this time they are comfortable with the decision. When the decision becomes public, Dumpee goes on the rollercoaster. Time allows the dumper's wounds to heal(depending on BU circumstances ie - no BU sins as this will only prolong healing for both). Human nature is to tuck away bad memories, so over time this is what happens to the dumper - they forget the bad. I suppose its a question of time, pride ,guilt, missing out, grass isnt always greener and a multitude of other factors that impact on the dumper as to whether or not they have the courage to reinitiate contact. Some do and some dont - dont hold your breath!

 

And knowing that he hasn't done any work on himself between relationships

 

That's a great point. I believe the dumpee has to go and re-evaluate pretty much all of themselves. So the pain you(we all) are suffering has a great side effect of PERSONAL GROWTH. We do become better people after being dumped because we are forced to look and act on why we were dumped. The Dumper doesn't do this as they perceive the problems stem from the dumpee and not themselves.

 

Now - back to nonchalance -

Had a drama with my telephone company and had to go in to the shop. I wasnt real happy(I did care that they were ripping me off - changed plans on me without my knowledge). So I go in there with a plan and this is how it panned out -

First - I go in steaming - to get their attention

2nd - I am then nonchalant(especilally re phone companies)

3rd - I start mirroring the Sales Girl - nonchanlantly of course(this leads into a conservation about her life, hey- she's meant to be selling me a new plan, but she's talking about herself)

4th - I come out with a new deal where I'm now saving money and getting extra benefits. Both of us happy(even though she didnt really get a sale, back on original plan with heaps of freebies)

 

VM

 

ps - would of asked her out too, except found out in the 'her life convo' she has a partner. Doh!

[bungalo]

comment cancelled

[Fluffy101]

Fluffy and seeker-no offense...but what you're saying has nothing to do with non-chalance..in fact, its the opposite...I think you need to move this discussion to the Healing Forum

 

I disagree. I think it's the height of nonchalance to not care about your ex any more. I just found it strange that it doesn't always happen to both the dumper and dumpee equally. I know for myself that I choose not to think about ANY part of the relationship, whether it is good or bad. I force all of it out of my mind to the best of my ability. Over time, I won't be able to recall any of the details and it will be like the past 2.5 years of my life were just a blink of an eye. I've done this before, and it's a sad thing to have to do, but it's self-preservation. I am certain my ex is the same way, since he is far less sentimental than I am plus he's all happy with this new chick. Of course, he doesn't know exactly how nonchalant I really am, since he would have to have contact with me for that, and it does annoy me a little. But I can't control that, unless I start trying to contact him for some reason and then I'd just seem pathetic. The ball is no longer in my court.

[mr_zanon]

ps - would of asked her out too,

Thought you wouldn't try that!

 

except found out in the 'her life convo' she has a partner. Doh!

:sad:

[VinnieMarlboro]

Thought you wouldn't try that!

 

 

 

The time has come mr_zanon.

 

I'm moving from pittsvile to Nonchalance City

[bungalo]

Fluffy and Seeker,

 

That's why I removed my comment...I realized you guys WERE doing non-chal..I just didn't read thoroughly enough-Bung

[jenna-is-here]

Take control of yourself, do things you want to do and enjoy them - it is a hard long road but the light at the end of the tunnel is there - you got to believe that.

 

Agreed. I believe once we start truly focusing on and bettering ourselves as result is our confidence grows. That energy is intoxicating. We draw people in. I would imagine NonChalance comes more naturally because we are so caught up with ourselves and feeling good, we do not depend on outcomes of situations to make us happy.

 

Well said Vinnie!

[jenna-is-here]

One more thing, and I am putting this out to the group and universe so I stick to it and am accountabe:

 

As of today, I am getting rid of any thought of turning my ex-booty call guy into a get-to-know-you-more situation. I no longer care about the outcome and will no longer reach out. I am making a list of things I need to do over the next month (for me) - it includes things a huge as moving to as small as whitening my teeth! Anyway, after yesterdays texts (below)...I concluded, this is no good for me and I just dont want to involve myself in this interaction anymore.

 

me: (random comment, then), I want to see you this week

him: Oh you do now and why is that

me: Im not sure why. Maybe bc I forget how you smell. Maybe you stink.

him: I do smell good

me: I cant remember. I smell like roses.

him: Oh yeah

 

Then it ended. I had nothing else to say. And clearly, he did not take my bait. So there, I am putting it to rest. I am removing the thought and desired outcome from my head and will focus on other things.

 

I have to say, 6mos after a 5+ year, live together relationship with another person, this was a very nice distraction for the few months it lasted.

[Halflife]

I looked at your conversation, was your "bait" simply you wanting him to agree to come or something different?

[jenna-is-here]

The bait was the "I want to see you this week" ...I know, not good NonCha. He had an open door to make it happen, and he did not walk through it. So, I have to face the music. This bait was after a few txts from him where I slightly blew him off.

[Halflife]

It does bring up an interesting question, what is the best nonchalant way of asking to visit? Hmmm.

[bungalo]

The bait was the "I want to see you this week" ...I know, not good NonCha. He had an open door to make it happen, and he did not walk through it. So, I have to face the music. This bait was after a few txts from him where I slightly blew him off.[/quote]

 

Hey Jenna,

 

Just a slight change would've made it non-cha..."If you're a good boy, I MIGHT want to see you this week.." would've sufficed

[jenna-is-here]

Just a slight change would've made it non-cha..."If you're a good boy, I MIGHT want to see you this week.." would've sufficed

 

Bungalo- that is SOOO good. I wish I naturally thought like that. It automatically makes me the prize.

[bungalo]

Thank you Jenna, and I smell good too!

[Live-N-Learn]

I would like to get some advice as how to proceed. Many of you have followed the most recent interactions with my ex and I am feeling that it may be time to have a serious talk with her and not be nonchalant. I want to know where I stand. She said I can ask her anything and she will be honest with me. If she has friendzoned me I want to hear her say it. She is still sending me way too many mixed signals and not being honest.

 

I want to say. I want to date you and want to know if you want to date me. You are sending me alot of mixed signals and I want to know where I stand.

 

Here are just the latest mixed signals.

 

1. Just told me 2 weeks ago she was not dating anyone for at least 6 months but joined a dating service the next day

2. I asked her on a date and she said Yay. It's date with Scotty! She says she wants to come back to my house afterwards. Then the next day backs out and says she is going to drive her best guy friend to the club and wants me to meet them there. Then treated me like a friend all night

3. Her and I are dancing with this cute girl then she says you should try to screw her (she was not jealous but was serious)

4. Has had sex with me about 10 times over the past 3 months but the last 3 times she came over she did not

 

If she says I only want to be friends then I am going to tell her this will not work for me, it might work for you but not me. I think we need to take a break. If you want to date then let me know. If the day comes I can just be friends I will let you know. I'm not upset with you but I care too much to just be your friend. I can not stay around and watch you date other people. I need to move on and be with someone that wants to be with me.

 

You guys, I do not like the person I am turning into and the emotional energy is just too much. Any advice as to how to approach this convo would be appreciated. I hope none of you tell me the best thing to do is stay in limbo and not know where I stand and not to ask.

[bungalo]

LNL, have you ever dumped anyone before? Or strung them along, and just played with them? Every behavior of her's that you described is

consistent with someone who is just not into a serious relationship.

 

She is still sending me way too many mixed signals and not being honest.

 

I want to say. I want to date you and want to know if you want to date me. You are sending me alot of mixed signals and I want to know where I stand. Even though this is very direct, and to the point...trust me..she doesn't want to hear it. She will just CONTINUE to send you mixed signals until you do something different...like turn up with a different girl, or tell her no once in a while...or (somebody should start a thread) say something nonchalant.

 

I don't think this is too non-cha...but when this happened: Her and I are dancing with this cute girl then she says you should try to screw her , you should've said, "Maybe you can screw her and tell me how she is"

[jenna-is-here]

I want to say. I want to date you and want to know if you want to date me. You are sending me alot of mixed signals and I want to know where I stand.

 

 

LNL - I dont like it. If you are trying to live NonCha it is too needy and puts the power with her. I think an alternative is just saying, you are looking for something she is not providing and you need to move on. See if she rises to the occasion after that but I think there is nothing to ask because she is showing you what she has and what she can give. I recommend just defining what YOU want and then move on if she does not step up. No asking her for anything. If she does not rise to the occasion, you have to be ready to stick to it and move on (sort of like telling an employer you got another job offer that pays better. If they dont match it, you have to move on).

[The_Seeker]

LOL Bungalo, I just finished reading your post on me and Fluffy. None of the offense taken.

[CrapAtNC]

Live-N-Learn, you're getting some spot-on, great advice here. Get in touch with your inner nonchalant right now!

[Halflife]

I'm so angry, I caved in. Rang her after 3 days of NC to see how she was, I was very non-chalant throughout but asked her to the cinema this weekend, she said she's working but we can probably go in a couple of weeks.

 

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm so angry, I caved in. Rang her after 3 days of NC to see how she was, I was very non-chalant throughout but asked her to the cinema this weekend, she said she's working but we can probably go in a couple of weeks.

 

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

 

Laugh it off! We've all done it. We sense the thought stirring and then feel the words forming and we think, "No! Don't say it! Don't ask that!" And then we ask that. Ha-ha!

 

Laugh at it. And be a little less available than before. This is your punishment. ;-)