Nonchalance is Your Friend

[BeDour]

I hope so. I don't think it is the looking at the phone that has me in the dog house, it is the lying and saying I did not do it, and making up the story that has me eating on the porch.

 

Well although your apology has already been sent, I think you could have handled it differently. Perhaps this is just my manipulative side coming out, but I wouldn't have outright admitted to lying about looking at the phone. Not because I would have wanted to continue lying, but just for a little damage control. If you read to apology I suggested you send, it doesn't mention the fact that you lied, and kind of glosses over it a little. Granted you should have been honest from the start. But no one is perfect and when the damage has already been done (ie. looking at the phone AND lying about it), it's sometimes better to just move past the situation entirely instead of going back and admitting to a lie that will just anger her even more.

 

That's just my thought process however. I've lied a lot in the past so maybe that's just a little of the old me talking. You may not want to listen.

[Live-N-Learn]

She just text me!!! How do I respond?

 

What I don't understand is what would make you want to sooo had go thru my phone when YOU know it is the most personal thing to me. I have issues with people and one of the major reason why I left Jason is cuz he did this. You know this and STILL felt the need to go thru it. For on Scott I have never lied to you to test our friendship so much and not trust to just ask me what you wanted to know and to snoop in my most personal possession baffles me and then to deny it. Friendships are based on trust and truth. If we don't have that I'm not sure what we have.

 

How do I respond? I was drunk when I looked at her phone and was feeling insecure cuz she canceled our date. I was feeling she was seeing someone else and was looking for evidence. This is the first time i have ever broken her trust or lied to her. Help please with a response!

[jellysandwich]

I wouldn't say anything more. You already apologized, and there's no need to defend yourself at all.

 

If she asks about it, just say "I've already apologized."

[Live-N-Learn]

She wants and explanation as to why I did it. What drove me to feel the need to do it. She will not settle for less. If I do not tell her it will be over with us.

 

What if I say..

 

I hear what you are saying Tiara and do know this was a violation of your privacy and that I broke trust. To be honest I had too much to drink or it would not have happened. I was feeling bad about you canceling our date for Saturday night and it just got to me and I looked at your phone to see who called you. Once you found out I just did not know how to respond, I panicked because I knew if I told you the truth things would not go well. Instead of maning up I tried to get out of it which just made it worse. Should have just said yeah I looked at it. This is the first time I have ever broken trust with you or lied to you. It will never happen again. I hope we can get beyond this. I have learned my lesson.

 

Way too much right...lol This is the truth and I need to find a way to say it. I have not sent anything yet...

[CrapAtNC]

Just say: "I know

[Live-N-Learn]

Just say: "I know

 

lmao are you serious! How does that help? She is looking for why I did it and broke trust. Please explain. I need to understand.

[jellysandwich]

Can you see that you are coming from a very needy position? You have completely forgotten the path of being nonchalant.

 

I'm not sure you even noticed it, but reread this part:

 

Friendships are based on trust and truth. If we don't have that I'm not sure what we have.

 

By answering her, you are indirectly accepting her decision to just be friends. Pretty sure that's not what you want...

 

You need to take some time off. Completely drop her and work on yourself.

[Live-N-Learn]

Good point Jelly, haha yeah I read it but my stupid heart is still wanting her back and thinking if I explain and repair things she will somehow magically desire me again.She actually said friendship twice! My emotions are obviously running a little high right now and I am not thinking clearly. At least I have not responded yet! lol

 

So what about just saying I know as crap suggested? Is responding in any form accepting friendship? Are you suggesting I do not respond at all and just go NC?

 

Does her text scream I have been friendzoned?

[iduncare]

Hey..

 

I'm not the queen of nonchalance yet, so not sure if I'm giving the right advice.

 

I dun think it's right to take things lightly, ESP when u r the one at fault. It's not the time to be nonchalant.

 

By saying "I already apologized." sounds too defensive.

 

By saying "I know". Sounds insincere over texts and like you are trying to brush her off. (no offense crap, you know I respect u)

 

I totally agree it's time to be sincere and tell her nothing but the truth. But after that, back off and go nc.

 

Being nonchalant will not save us everytime and recover all situation. Being nonchalant is about not over reacting, but i don't think sincerely apologizing and explaining your action is over reacting. If you respect her, if you treasure this RS, you KNOW you owe her an explanation by looking at her phone.

 

Just my humble opinion.

[CrapAtNC]

"I know" says that you accept what she says, don't want to argue, are sincere, and nothing else. It's not brushing off; it's saying you don't know what to say. The sad smiley is important here.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am really stuck on how to respond. I could use more opinions. I think I will go to sleep now and come back on the thread in the morning and decide how to respond. I do not want to be friendzoned and really just don't know how to respond. Or if responding in any manner automatically implies I agree to friendship. I feel like I owe her an explanation. I told the truth above in what I wrote but it may be too much. At least it says part of the reason was because she cancel our date. It would be interesting to see how she responded back if I had that in my text back to her.

[iduncare]

Haha.. Somehow the sad smiley didn't come out on my page, it's a "?" sign. You're right, with the smiley it doesn't seem so bad.

 

Well, I'm not sure why some of the posters here seems to suggest that you brush things off (no offense everyone, we just have different opinion), but I do think that by peeking at my phone, it's invading my privacy and I have every right to be angry. Nobody here can accuse her of over-reacting because it is HER privacy.

[iduncare]

Good idea to sleep on it.

 

When in doubt, do nothing.

[Live-N-Learn]

Crap, do you really think she will get what I am saying if I just say I know Will she get what you said the explanation was or can it be interpreted differently? Goodnight my friends. I will be back in the morning...Thanks for all the input, I really appreciate it.

[Halflife]

Crap: You talk about flirting... so even if your ex makes out they want to be just friends with you, it's still fine to flirt? Like say "hello gorgeous" on the phone? Is that not disrespecting her wish to be friends?

[Strife]

Okay...I think my nonchalance is slipping somewhat...I think I'm appearing a bit needy with texting her first/immediately responding...how can I still initate conversations throughout the day, but nonchalantly? Or maybe I should just stop. All I seem to do is come here if I have a problem, but rest assured, when the internet is FINALLY set up in my new house, I'll give back to the thread

[Strife]

Okay I'm aware this is now a double post, but its the fact that this guy is beginning to bug me. When we were together, he was constantly hitting on her, above and beyond even hitting on a single girl, let alone one he knew was in a committed relationship, excessively texting her, messaging her etc. Anyway, she broke up with me initially at first because he flat out confused her (GIGS imo), with his apparent 'niceness' while at that point, we were going through a very rough patch. Anyway, when push came to shove, she chose me, and told him that she could only be friends.

 

Regardless, they are texting each other constantly, and boy do I mean constantly, and not too long ago, she disappeared off with him late at night. Anyway...I remained nonchalant, but over the last day or two, her coldness towards me has increased. It's not cold as such, its just that before I could clearly see that there were romantic feelings which was causing her a lot of conflict. Now she keeps her distance/is guarded etc.

 

Now this could be because its her reaction towards me being VERY nonchalant and throwing mixed signals her way or it could be that things are progressing with this guy, as his facebook would suggest (A mutual friend told me about his statuses of late). She hasn't said anything to me about seeing him, and I haven't brought him up or their late night excursion.

 

Now I don't want to be coming on here everytime a slight problem arises or one day I'm feeling less nonchalant than others, but this is starting to bug me as I've already stated. Okay nonchalance says that I shouldn't care. And to a degree, actually I don't. The thing I guess that bugs me is that this guy is getting everything he wants, after taking it from me. Okay, I know for a fact it won't last very long, and if anything I believe he's been her emotional crutch, seeing as I went NC for a month, and as such he's had time to worm his way in...but still. It's annoying that she apparently sees so much in this guy, and wants to constantly rub my face in it. I've seen my behavior switch from nonchalance to almost cold and now its kinda clingy. To be fair, if it were a new guy on the scene, I could handle it much better, and it genuinely wouldn't bug me. I think also, her stopping of initiating/being sorta intimate has thrown me a little. So some advice about this and my previous post would be really helpful, and really appreciated

[kim1]

Yes I like this response

"I know" says that you accept what she says, don't want to argue, are sincere, and nothing else. It's not brushing off; it's saying you don't know what to say. The sad smiley is important here.

[KateUK]

OK.... my nonchalance crown has slipped.

 

My ex made big strides in wanting to come back, but I said I wasn't ready for him to move back in (I have to think of me and my 11 yr old son here!). He said it wasn't a problem and wasn't an ultimatum and he would still want to see me. He knows I am unhappy in my job and even said I could leave my job and he would support me for a change!

 

I let him come round and use my internet and helped him to try to find somewhere else last night. He was a bit distant, and I think he was being distant in a bit of a passive aggressive way because I hadn't too him back. He also slipped into other passive-aggressive stuff like putting unnecessary obstacles in his way ('can't ring that one up as they haven't put that they have broadband' and 'I won't be able to date you as I have no money', How about I pick you up and we go walk the dog with a picnic? 'Can't even afford that, can't afford to drive anywhere.' Hello?? WALKING the dog? Me picking you up??) and twisting logic so it doesn't make sense to justify his actions ('I am paying daily for where I am now, so it is costing me more money to find somewhere else and I will be out of pocket' - erm no, you are paying for somewhere to live for the amount of time you are there, and will pay somewhere else for the amount of time you are at THAT place.).

Anyway, when he left I went to give him a hug and he seemed reluctant - I just said 'I don't like it when you are all negative'. I had seen a different side to him recently but he was the 'old' Steve last night.... Not very appealing and left me drained and NOT nonchalant at all.

 

Today he texted 'Hi, thanks for help and tea last night but think your right about waiting, it did feel a bit odd being there and going i need to stay on my own for a bit i guess. Bank have told me today they wont renew my overdraft, so i have to get a loan either from them or somewhere else, great! Good timing huh'

 

I ignored it, then 3 hrs later I get:

 

'This bank thing is gonna stuff me over, seriously considering bankruptcy for business, me or both.'

 

Hmmmm. I thought of replying 'Oops - just quit my job so you could support me for a change.... Wrong move! ;-)' But don't know if this is like kicking him when he is down. Could put something like 'Could you not become a rent boy and get paid by someone else to stuff you over instead???'

 

Any time he is down, and feels I am not acknowledging it, he gets into the negativity and passive aggressive stuff. And I recognise that now and don't take it too personally - to be honest, I don't think he even realises he does it so there is no point calling him on it. I think nonchalance could be the ideal way to handle this now and in the future - I want to lift the negativity away a bit and make him smile and think 'what a gal!'

 

Any other suggestions? Or should I ignore him. He changes his mind like the wind, and I need him to be more stable.

[RobD70]

This. My girl is the type that will walk away if she thinks I don't care, just because she doesn't want to try if she thinks I'm uninterested.

A lot of people think this but really, is it true? Not really.

 

We don't chase people because of how interested they are in us, but how interested we are in them. In most cases the other person has little interest in us at first which makes them a challenge. Sure if you have low self esteem then if someone shows interests you may be attracted to them but those type of relationships don’t tend to last.

 

Think about it, your SO dumps you and walks away like they don't care yet you (us, we, whatever) still tries to get them back. In relationships, logic gets thrown out the window so don't always assume people are going to react to you in a rational way. I find in these situations you need to do the opposite of what you feel is the right thing to do.

 

IMO, I think the best method is to go with the nonchalance attitude at first to let the ex see that you are happy and are fine without them. Be upbeat and joking and flirting and all but then pull away or even disappear. The problem you want to avoid is becoming too available. You have to be mysterious to a degree and the ex has to feel like they will lose you. The last thing your ex wants is you to do is find someone else better than them and move on (regardless of what they say).

 

As someone else pointed out earlier, the reality of the situation is that your ex isn’t going to really try to win you back until you’ve gotten over them for real. The reason being is they can smell desperation no matter what kind of front you put up for them plus by the time they come around you will have been split up long enough to have detached. Think of it like this, when you first break up you are attached 100% and they are like 10%. After about 3 months you are 90% and they are 25%. In 6 months you are like 30% and they can be like 75% (assuming NC). The point is over time you will start pulling away and more times than not, they will start to miss you and want you back. As long as they think you may have changed for the better that is. They really have to almost see you as a completely different person in order to get over whatever issues lead up to the breakup in the first place.

 

The goal really should be to work under the assumption that you are not getting back together and plan your life w/o them. If the ex comes banging down your door in the future then you can decided then if you want them back. Not every relationship is worth saving and you just might find out you are much happier without them.

 

Listen to what CrapAtNC is trying to say. It’s more than just acting nonchalant, it’s actually being nonchalant. Stop caring so much about what the ex is doing and be happy with what you have today. All the pain you are feeling is a psychosomatic reaction to being rejected but it’s only temporary. If you can rebuild your confidence and realize you can live w/o them just fine then the pain will go away. You have to love yourself again and take your ex off the pedestal and put yourself back on it. Once you get back to loving yourself then other people (including your ex) will be attracted to you.

 

Sorry this was so long, too much coffee this morning.

[Live-N-Learn]

I never responded and she just text me.. look I forgive you ok what do I say back?

 

How about. thanks, it won't happen again. Still want to go to the concert Thursday maybe leave it the won't happen again?

 

We have tickets and have planned to go.

[RobD70]

I am really stuck on how to respond. I could use more opinions. I think I will go to sleep now and come back on the thread in the morning and decide how to respond. I do not want to be friendzoned and really just don't know how to respond. Or if responding in any manner automatically implies I agree to friendship. I feel like I owe her an explanation. I told the truth above in what I wrote but it may be too much. At least it says part of the reason was because she cancel our date. It would be interesting to see how she responded back if I had that in my text back to her.

First you need to calm down, you are not under some type of time limit and actually the longer you wait to respond the better. Also don’t get so caught up in defending yourself, it’s a normal reaction but it’s always a bad one.

 

To defuse arguments, the best way is to throw yourself at the mercy of the court. Agree that what you did was wrong and she had every right to be angry with you. Validate her feelings and go with a “I have no excuse, what I did was wrong and I understand why you are angry, I would be angry myself and am angry with myself.” (not exactly that but I hope you get my drift).

 

Don’t overly apologize or act pathetic or defensive. When you admit you have done wrong, you’ll be surprised how often they will come to YOUR defense. Tell her she is 100% right and you were completely wrong and that should take the wind out of her sails. She can’t fight someone who doesn’t defend himself.

 

Also stop talking to her so much. I’m sure she can still sense your desperation so pull back for a bit until you have a little more control over your emotions.

[just not sure]

you say thank you, what else would you say?

 

you're killing yourself thinking about EVERY little detail this way man....

[RobD70]

I never responded and she just text me.. look I forgive you ok what do I say back?

Nothing, you need to take a break from communicating so her feelings can subside. The more you talk about it now the more annoyed she will become.

 

Leave to ball in her court and wait for her to contact you again. It may be a while so prepare for that. I also realized my last post is obsolete but the point remains in case the issue pops up again.

[bungalo]

Great post Rob,

 

I think you are right on with most of the post, especially: The goal really should be to work under the assumption that you are not getting back together and plan your life w/o them. If the ex comes banging down your door in the future then you can decided then if you want them back. Not every relationship is worth saving and you just might find out you are much happier without them.

This is interesting. But I do think sometimes they just check out and move on: when you first break up you are attached 100% and they are like 10%. After about 3 months you are 90% and they are 25%. In 6 months you are like 30% and they can be like 75% (assuming NC).

The last thing your ex wants you to do is find someone else better than them and move on (regardless of what they say). I do believe there are cases of unconditional love where the ex would really be happy if you found someone new. I see how in a huge number of cases...even if they'd had it with you..it's human nature for them to not necessarily want you to move on. It's an ego thing. I also think that in some situations-when the EX has just completely fallen out of love..they wouldn't give a s***. Eventually if enough time goes by and there's no recon..they definitely won't give a s*** and neither will you.