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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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Feel free to razz me, feeling pessimistic today. Not to rain on anybody's parade...but sometimes I think, when they're done with you, they're done...and all the nonchalant banter in the world (probably) won't change things or bring them back...at least not for good. I have a hard time believing that my serial dumper ex...(3times dumped) will not do it again....I know nonchalance is to help you get yourself back, and retrain our brains and emotions to prevent needy, clingy behaviour which is so unattractive...

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I need to make a confession to my fellow ENA family. I have been filled with fear and insecurity for awhile now over this girl. She has caused me to do things I would never do. My confession is this...I lied to all of you...her phone did not go off in bathroom...I was drunk and I chose to look at it out of my insecurities...I am very sorry for lying to all of you about this all day yesterday in my posts.

 

My heart is breaking right now and I feel like a fool for lying to all of you ...I hardly ever lie and why I felt I could not tell you guys and gals the truth I do not know why. I was afraid to be judged I guess after I started the lie I just kept it going. I hope you all can forgive me.

 

May I please ask advice as to how to proceed. Do I tell her? I think I do because I don't want to live with the guilt. Just not sure how to say it. It will have to be in a text or email cuz she is not talking to me. The truth is we will never be back together and I don't want to be her friend. If a girl makes me this insecure I can not be with her. If you knew my whole story with her you would know why I feel this way due to all the things she has done to me. Again sorry.

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Feel free to razz me, feeling pessimistic today. Not to rain on anybody's parade...but sometimes I think, when they're done with you, they're done...and all the nonchalant banter in the world (probably) won't change things or bring them back...at least not for good. I have a hard time believing that my serial dumper ex...(3times dumped) will not do it again....I know nonchalance is to help you get yourself back, and retrain our brains and emotions to prevent needy, clingy behaviour which is so unattractive...

 

i think one of the biggest, most important things to remember is that this whole process is a marathon, not a sprint. it's hard to deal with, and hard to accept, especially when you feel like you've changed alot or really had your eyes opened. but it doesn't change the fact that patience is key. it's very hard for me because i am not naturally a patient person so i feel it acutely, but it's very important to remember that.

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Sorry this may be a wee bit long,

 

Ha ha, oh lordy think I messed up a wee bit!

See what you all make of this,

Didn’t get the chance to send my email to her as I met her in the corridor at work and started chatting as usual just about random stuff, she then said that she had to go back to the doctors today for another heart check up? That concerned me as last she said months ago it was cleared up! So I wished her well without going over the top, And we started walking round the corridor to chat alone

She mentioned that I looked stressed and nervous, I am but that’s down to being very worn out travelling back and forth to work, working all weekend, sorting out my house and not being able to relax when I’m home thanks to having a lodger, I’ve lost a lot of weight I think because of it, and I have shaking hands now?? (gotta be stress… I won’t mention what she think it is..so bloody stupid!) “But hey” I said "Wont be for long, as I’m moving down to London next few months…"

 

Her moving here??” (surprised)

 

Me: “Yup, moving to xxxxx “ (North London)

(Now she kinda starts to panic for a couple of secs, that shield, just for a second faltered, and I get a load of “Where?”, “Have you found a place?” “ where?” “Where?”....which threw me a bit, then her shield back up and..)

 

Her : “Eh?? That’s near me!10min drive from mine, I have loads of friends round that part”

(put out look)

 

Me: “And? It’s close to my cousin, it's very nice and I can get to and from work easy”

 

Her: “It’s not that nice, my area is nicer”

 

Me (I screwed my nose up and did a whatever kinda look)

 

Her: “What did you do that for?”

 

Me: “Do what??”

 

Her : “Have you sold your house then?”

 

Me: “Nope renting it as can’t sell”

Now she looked a bit peed off when I said this (a) because I’m moving to North London (like she owns it!) and (b) because I can’t sell my house (that caused major probs as one of my ex’s is named on my mortgage and I didn’t tell my now ex about it...looong story!!)

 

So we keep chatting and she is honestly being as nonchalant as me?? Wth?? Whilst still having a laugh! Chatting about random stuff for a good 10-15mins

Then I get this cracking comment :

 

Her : “Don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but you have lost that belly you had and that double chin, that must have weighed like a small baby”

(I’ll take that as some sort of compliment)

 

Me: “ Thanks very much”

 

Her “you were.." (makes a sumo kind impression...hmm??) (Again I thank you)

(Think I said something random to that, not sure)

 

Her: “ Oh I need to go, my boss will kill me for chatting this long as I’m off soon”

 

Me : “ Okay, see you later, good luck with the doctors, I’ll mail you next week for a catch up if you want?”

 

Her: “Yeah okay, bye” (lift door closes, and off she goes)

 

So off I walk and get promptly eyeball undressed by her mate!!! Obviously my belly and chin have indeed gone heh heh!!

 

I seriously do not know how well that went, had no time to prepare for that, it was total make it up as you go along!

Hellfire, was a bit like who don’t care the most!! But I think I edged it, I got a reaction about me moving, I knew she never believed I’d do it!! But I now feel like a stalker for moving where I want, when I’m doing it for me, not for her.

 

Do you think I should mail her next week to say Hi and ask for a catch up or is that looking a tad clingy? Would like to know how she got on at the doctors as I am concerned about her, was thinking of texting her to ask how it went later but not sure it’s a good idea.

So what you Nonchalanters reckon? (not that any one cares..right!! )

 

P

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i think one of the biggest, most important things to remember is that this whole process is a marathon, not a sprint. it's hard to deal with, and hard to accept, especially when you feel like you've changed alot or really had your eyes opened. but it doesn't change the fact that patience is key. it's very hard for me because i am not naturally a patient person so i feel it acutely, but it's very important to remember that.

 

Thanks JNS...so just to get a handle on this..how long is the marathon? I guess the danger is your EX thinking this is only temporary..I've known mine for 6 years! I think the thing that's changing for me is rocognizing that I have options. I have a date this week..and have been steadily meeting new women.

I am going to practice nonchalance on these new gals..(I did tell the girl I'm meeting this week that I was in a LTR...only 3 months out..because I value honesty)

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what exactly do you mean about you ex thinking it's only temporary?

 

i have the same problem. my ex basically doesn't trust me that these changes are serious and i won't fall back into old habits, so she doesn't want to stop dating the guy she's with now because if we got back together now and i did fall back into those habits she'd have kind of screwed herself, so i get that. but my biggest problem is that I KNOW this isn't a fly-by-night kind of thing for me. the breakup really opened my eyes, so i wonder how long she thinks this is gonna take? if she won't trust me now, why would she stop seeing him in 2 or 3 or 4 months? this is the girl i want to spend the rest of my life and she wanted that too as recently as a week before the breakup which was only a month ago. but again, it's not a sprint and patience is not only key, but a virtue. it's attractive.

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JNS what exactly do you mean about you ex thinking it's only temporary?

 

i have the same problem. my ex basically doesn't trust me that these changes are serious and i won't fall back into old habits

 

>>>

 

I say keep showing her the new you. The more confident you get with non-needy behavior, the better equipped you'll be to attract a new, maybe even better partner. This is what I have to learn too. Meeting someone new has a tendency to take a bit of the bloom off the rose (the ex). Not to say that she isn't special...it's just that there's a whole world full of women.

 

Don't forget that there is HER side of the equation too! My ex has MEGA ISSUES. I do think that I wasn't effectively responding to her in terms of detachment (nonchalance) and strength. I KNOW I will get there. And you will too. Patience IS the key.

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LNL, we've all done crazy, obsessive things in the name of love (or codependence! Ha!)...give yourself a break! Women snoop on guys Alllll the time....and we forgive them...and she probably will too...or she'll at least forget it. Don't make a mountain out of this..Think of a cool James Bond-like retort...and then JUST STOP!

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CrapAtNC: Great thread but I have a concern. I'm doing your method rather than NC because it allows you to occupy your mind with playing the game which is fun rather than going cold turkey. I believe I can pull the nonchalant act off very well but my major concern is whether there is a significant risk of being friend-zoned through your approach with exs and therefore losing your chance of reconciliation completely?

 

I'm currently seeing my ex of 4.5 years under the pretense of "just friends", I know she still has romantic feelings for me and I'm worried those will die if I just act like a friend around her for too long.

 

Is my concern justified? What's the best way to avoid this using your methods?

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CrapAtNC: Great thread but I have a concern.

 

I don't want to do NC because I believe I can pull the nonchalant act off very well but is there a significant risk of being friend-zoned through your approach with exs and therefore losing your chance of reconciliation completely?

 

If so, what are the best ways to avoid it?

 

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this too. I can't say that I remember how it happened since it was a month or so ago but I remember making it crystal clear for her that I in no way intend to be her friend. She said that she'll never think of me as just a friend. So I'm hoping that that is enough. That she knows that contact with me is to keep our communication open in hopes of a reconciliation. So I don't remember the particular conversation, but I believe she has a good understanding that if she begins to date someone else, I'm gone. And that might be her decision, which I can't stop, but I think she understands that choosing to date someone else means that I'm not going to be there anymore. Friends don't do that.

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I'd love to hear some thoughts on this too. I can't say that I remember how it happened since it was a month or so ago but I remember making it crystal clear for her that I in no way intend to be her friend. She said that she'll never think of me as just a friend. So I'm hoping that that is enough. That she knows that contact with me is to keep our communication open in hopes of a reconciliation. So I don't remember the particular conversation, but I believe she has a good understanding that if she begins to date someone else, I'm gone. And that might be her decision, which I can't stop, but I think she understands that choosing to date someone else means that I'm not going to be there anymore. Friends don't do that.

 

Kevo, maybe Crap will differ, but I think you'll come off stronger if you act unfazed when (or if) you find out she's dating someone else. I'm not saying you should stay in close contact or anything..maybe LC..but just occurs to me that if you say.."ok, that's it," if she starts to date she might see you as controlling (definitely NOT nonchalant) and permanently write you off. Look at all the rebounds that crash...and the EX comes back! Just a thought.

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Just a short post -

 

In case my ex does get together with this guy she's been texting a lot and sorta hanging out with, how would I approach her telling me that shes seeing/going out with him? I can be nonchalant easily enough - its keeping it upbeat that I'm finding a bit of a challenge at the moment. I'm not really sure what I could say to it if she tells me. I'm not bothered - I know it won't last very long (if they even get together), but I've been mentally preparing for the 'Just so you know, me and X are seeing each other now'...and I cant think of a witty response, only a 'well if you're happy, i'm happy', which sounds a bit lame to be honest. Suggestions?

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Crap and others,

 

I know none of us think me looking at her phone was big deal. But lying to her will not help my cause. She seems to be taking this as the great offense! Sending her a nonchalant response like crap suggested may just upset her more. Would it be better to send somthing more heart felt?

 

I don't think it is going to matter much what I send, I believe she won't respond or if she does she may say she forgives me but can't be friends any longer.

 

I do not want to be her friend cuz it would be to hard on me. And after trying for the past 4 months to win her back it is clear she is not wanting that or it would have already happened. Her canceling on sat was just more confirmation.

 

Honestlly I don't even think I want her back cuz I don't think I can trust her.

 

So this is more of a confession and closer email IMO. So should I still be nobchalant or be more honest and tell her the truth about the phone and that this relationship is just not working for me anymore? Not sure how to word it yet but will run it by you guys first.

 

I accept we want different different things out of it and just want to walk away with my dignity.

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Kevo, maybe Crap will differ, but I think you'll come off stronger if you act unfazed when (or if) you find out she's dating someone else. I'm not saying you should stay in close contact or anything..maybe LC..but just occurs to me that if you say.."ok, that's it," if she starts to date she might see you as controlling (definitely NOT nonchalant) and permanently write you off. Look at all the rebounds that crash...and the EX comes back! Just a thought.

 

That's a good point. I did say that to her prior to going "nonchalant". Although I still don't think it was a mistake. I didn't present it as an ultimatum and I wasn't trying to control her. I don't think I came off like that. It was a calm conversation and I think I was just laying it out there as "look, just so we're clear, my desire is to reconcile, I don't plan on being your friend". But yeah, I see your point. If she moves onto someone else, I don't know that I'd keep up the nonchalance. I really think that'd just be it and I'd go full NC and move on. And hey, that might bring her back. Yesterday I got a phone call from my ex of 3 years. I'll take a guess that I had been NC for around 876 days. Who can beat it?

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Thanks Crap. I'll keep things mellow.

 

I'm also curious about the friend zone risk...

 

So I wake up this morning to her new status on fb: "You're killin me." I don't know if this is directed at me or not, but it does make me think. She hasn't been very talkative today either. I don't know...Anyway tomorrow we have our little lunch date set up. Other than keeping things light and fun, how should I act in the flirty catagory? Is being a little flirty breaking the nonchalance rule?

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Hi BeDour,

 

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow...I just had dinner with my guy:

 

 

 

I think you are better off with lunch. CrapAtNC told me to do some light flirting if my guy seemd receptive.

 

My night (a bit of alcolol mixed in) Became a big drama, so maybe you are better off with lunch.

Have some flirty comments ready- if she seems receptive-use them.

 

Its a great indirect way of getting a status on the relationship.

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Hi BeDour,

 

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow...I just had dinner with my guy:

 

 

 

I think you are better off with lunch. CrapAtNC told me to do some light flirting if my guy seemd receptive.

 

My night (a bit of alcolol mixed in) Became a big drama, so maybe you are better off with lunch.

Have some flirty comments ready- if she seems receptive-use them.

 

Its a great indirect way of getting a status on the relationship.

 

Yeah lunch definitely feels safer. We're just meeting up for some sushi. Any specific signs I should be looking for from her that things are going well?

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Hi BeDour,

 

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow...I just had dinner with my guy:

 

 

 

I think you are better off with lunch. CrapAtNC told me to do some light flirting if my guy seemd receptive.

 

My night (a bit of alcolol mixed in) Became a big drama, so maybe you are better off with lunch.

Have some flirty comments ready- if she seems receptive-use them.

 

Its a great indirect way of getting a status on the relationship.

 

Hey, sadchick, I posted in this thread a couple pages back that my ex wants to make me a birthday dinner one night for my birthday...but upon reading this, do you (or anyone else) think maybe it'd be best to suggest a lunch instead? He says he's thinking of making me dinner, but I think he's nervous because he doesn't know how to cook, so he may rather take me out instead, heh. Thoughts? It will be the first time us actually spending time together in 5 or 6 weeks.

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Hey, sadchick, I posted in this thread a couple pages back that my ex wants to make me a birthday dinner one night for my birthday...but upon reading this, do you (or anyone else) think maybe it'd be best to suggest a lunch instead? He says he's thinking of making me dinner, but I think he's nervous because he doesn't know how to cook, so he may rather take me out instead, heh. Thoughts? It will be the first time us actually spending time together in 5 or 6 weeks.

 

Offer to cook with him! That is one of the best dates IMO. Especially if someone doesn't know how to cook or finances are tight. Cooking together daily is one of the best things for a healthy relationship. I have nothing to back this up, but I'd be willing to bet if you look at successful couples vs. couples that break up, a disproportionate amount of the successes will say they regularly cook together.

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While I think this nonchalant is great and works BUT it appears some people are getting “friend zoned” here. I also feel that most of these ex’s have another person in the wings which makes being friends with them an even worse idea. You end up being an emotional crutch/enabler by filling in the voids the new person may leave in their new relationships.

 

See how Crap is doing? He has the best luck when he tells her “No” and tries to avoid her. Saying no can be a major turn on as it shows you are not 100% into them and that you have more important things going on. Break or refuse dates when they ask and if you asked them out don’t be afraid to cancel if it doesn’t look like it will go as planned.

 

 

Also this takes patients, people don’t change overnight and it takes months for changes to settle in and just as long for other people to believe them. Not days or weeks, MONTHS. I spent a year and a half off and on with my wife with another guy involved the whole time. I got her back for good when I stopped wanting her back. I wanted a divorce in the end so I could move on with my life and to be honest I wasn’t all that nice about it. I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore so she had to talk me into taking her back with a lot of begging and pleading on her part.

 

In hindsight I see that the more I tried to win her back, the more I failed. It wasn’t until I gave up and threw in the towel did things turn around for me. All this effort people put into trying to get their ex’s back could be used to better yourselves. Use the fact that the less you think about them, the more they think about you and enjoy your new freedom to do things you wouldn’t normally do if you were still with them.

 

It’s not your job to win them back, it’s their job to win you back and the less you want them, the more they’ll want you. Keep that in mind..

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Bedour: You will be able to tell. I did not flirt because he had trouble making eye contact with me at the beginning. I did not do any flirtingHe brought up the break up, so that's how we got into our discussion. But, see what happened in the end? You can just tell- you know your girl.

 

PaleSeptember: what are you worried about? Him wanting to cook you dinner is amazing...and I agree with Kevo, doing it together would be nice. Actually my guy helped me make breakfast and did the dishes on Sunday morning...this was nice, it showed he was trying.

I listened to "The Secret" DVD's had a glass of champagne, and listened to my ipod to get ready...just be bubbly!

 

RobD70: you make some great points....Im not sure wher my situation will go, but everysituation is different. My guy and I never played games, so non chalance needs to be modified to meet our situation. Text book non chalace works great on short term relationships, but for the longer ones, you may end up with an ulcer trying to be non chalant

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For me CrapAtNc, suggested the flirty comments to gage where the realtionship was going. I decided not to flirt, cause my guy was only glancing into my eyes, it wasnt until I decide to do a swivel neck, and say : "why are you looking here and here " as I pointed to either sides of my head. I think he was nervous. After I called him on it, he looked at me.

 

I guess my non chanat effort was this: after he said our relationship was "done." I told him "ok, its only 10:30, mind dropping me off at another bar on your way home??" Boy did the reconciliation conversation go into high gear!!

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