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Nonchalance is Your Friend


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You can be nonchalant and still make suggestions. His response will tell you if the door is open; you will be able to tell by the way he's nonchalant about it. If he's not into the idea, it will just get brushed off; if he is, then he will make a funny comment that will be designed to see how you respond.


If I were you, at a suitable opportunity, such as when he invites you out, or offers you another drink, or does anything at all that could be construed as flirty or making some kind of move, playfully call him on it: "If this is your way of trying to get back with me, you're going to have to try a lot harder. Or at least make it a double ('large one', in American)." Something like that. This way, you're making the suggestion but not really bothered about the outcome, and leaving it open to him to respond in kind. If he blows it off, call him on it again and leave it at that. The goal is to put the seed in his head.


I used this technique with both my most recent lovers, both famous over here as models and TV celebs. The last thing they were expecting was for someone like me to accuse them of trying to get me into bed. But it planted a seed. I kept making the same accusation, playfully, when the right situation arose, and it ignited attraction. It works just as well on previously hostile exes.

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Hey Crap,


So the ex text me again this morning asking what I was doing then saying "Havent heard from your ass...ass munch I joked back and we text for about 30 min. I kept making jokes and keeping it nonchalant. She then text me at noon to turn on the radio and listen to some bad ass music that was playing and then she called me. I kept up the lightness. She did not ask to get together and I did not offer. This is def having an effect on her but when she told me she dropped her son off late for school I said it was cuz like usual you were probably out to late last night. I said it jokingly but she did not deny she was out last night. She just said your crazy.


I expected her to call yesterday and want to go out with me last night as she mentioned on Sunday. This is the type of information that leads me to suspect she was out with a guy and does not want me to know about it. I will keep my guard up and continue to watch for more signs she may be dating others. My attitude is good right now and I will not get my hopes up she is coming back. I also will not stay around if she is dating others. I will not be friendzoned. It will be interesting to see if she asks me to hang out tonight or mentions the trip she discussed to OKC with me this weekend. I will not bring it up. This could be coming to an end.

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I think nonchalance is great for a while. I don't see that you could sustain it though. It seems to me that if you want an intimate relationship, you have to drop the masks eventually. I think it's great in the beginning, or with short-term relationships, I just don't know how effective it would be in a case like mine...5 years 3 breakups...seems like the arm's length thing would get old after a while.

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To those seeing some results - Did you do NC? If so how long for? Did the ex break it or you?



I was NC for 10 weeks. She reached out to me 3 times with meaningless texts during that time to which I did not respond. I broke it after the 10 weeks because I had some things I wanted to share with her that I had come to realize during our time apart. She accepted to meet but was planning on chewing me out but instead it was like old times and she came home that night and slept with me and spent the night. lol


Anyways, we have been hanging out again for close to 4 months and slept together probably 10 times and have went out about 50 including a 4 day trip to Dallas. She has stayed non committal and it has been extremely frustrating since I want an exclusive relationship with her. She had said she is not in a place to date anyone and still holds to that position. Unfortunately, I think she is starting to date others but am not 100% sure.


I have been doing the nonchalant approach for a about 3 weeks now with great success. She is the one calling and texting all the time and initiating get togethers. I am very close to having the talk with her and to drop the head games. I think there is a length of time that this approach is affective but at some point you need to find out where you stand. It should not go on forever. Either way, I am better off now that I have ever been. Whatever happens with happen.

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I think nonchalance is great for a while. I don't see that you could sustain it though. It seems to me that if you want an intimate relationship, you have to drop the masks eventually. I think it's great in the beginning, or with short-term relationships, I just don't know how effective it would be in a case like mine...5 years 3 breakups...seems like the arm's length thing would get old after a while.


I strongly disagree. Remember, nonchalance doesn't mean not caring; it means not letting things get to you and not being so needy about having your feelings catered to. You can still discuss your feelings, say you love them, say when you're not happy, but it's said in a way that says you will be OK regardless; this not only takes away your own bad feelings, it also relieves a lot of pressure from your SO who might otherwise feel she has to respond to someone else's needs, moods, etc.

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The saga continues lol. She called back again this afternoon and asked me out to lunch. So we went and ate and it was lighhearted and fun. She kept saying how much she missed me and wish I would have been there will her at the club the other night. I joked about it and did not say much accept yeah...it sounds like it was a lot of fun. Told her about my night out on Monday in Virginia and while I was telling her one of the girls there friend requested me while we were eating. I laughed and told her about it. Then the girl went and posted on my wall. She is very attractive and I am sure she will see it.


She then told me about a concert next Thursday and asked me to go with her. I said maybe. Then she said let's go out tonight after I put my son to bed it's been too long since we have been out. I told her OK and to call me later. She then asked me if I went out last night and I said I did for a bit and asked her where she went. She said she was over at Casey's the bartenders from the club we go to and was hanging out with him and some of his friends. That just seems weird to me since she told me he has a girlfriend and she was not there. She said I was waiting for you to text me but you didn't so I went there.


Anyways, I really need to find out where I stand soon. I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this nonchalant attitude. The real question I have in my head is have I been friendzoned and she just loves hanging out with me all the time? Or is this really working and she is wanting more from me?


BTW..she bought lunch! When she grabbed the check I laughed and put my hand to her forehead and checked her temperature. She laughed and said if she had more money she would buy for me a lot more.


Anyways, my poor heart can't take much more of this not knowing. Maybe we go tonight and to the concert and if nothing happens I just say something?

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Man, you are doing SO well! Thank god you're expressing your concerns here and not to her, though.


She wants you to make a move. She is using the bartender guy to try and get you to reach out to her more. I would start to give in a little more at this stage. It's a push-pull game, and you have mastered the pulling aspect beautifully. But perhaps now is the time to start rewarding the behaviour that you'd like to see more of. Next time she texts or invites you to something, change your tone completely (surprise behaviour is a turn-on). Say something like "Yeah! I'd love to! Let's do it." Be prepared to hold your own as she tries to pull away at this point, though I don't think she will. Give a little. Let her see that her efforts are getting her somewhere. Accept an invite and then make sure you are upbeat throughout.


Nonchalance is all about getting you back and preventing them from pulling away any further. To reconcile, you have to start developing the relationship more, with more give and take. If done with the new "I'm fine, regardless" attitude, and no neediness or negative responses from you, the new relationship will be much stronger, much more valued by you both.


So, don't ask anything. Make a comment and see how she responds. "You bought me lunch the other day. Are you trying to get into my pants? Because if you are, I would have ordered extra cheese and another drink before I let you have your way with me." Or anything like that (I got two hours sleep last night, so you'll have to think up something wittier yourself ;-) ).


You're doing great. Don't let it slip. Just drop your guard a little to see what happens.

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Thanks Crap, I am giving her some realness back as well. I am not being completely nonchalant. In three of her text today she told me she missed me and I told her once that I missed her as well in response. I also told her I would definitely go to the concert with her next Thursday when we talked tonight, and that I would pick up the tickets this weekend. I do hear what your saying and appreciate the advice. I will try to have the right balance going forward.


I believe the key is to never sound needy, clingy or desperate when being real with her. I also need to continue being nonchalant most of the time since this seems to be working. I still do not believe she wants to come back and am very interested to see where this goes. We will see. Either way, I am learning a lot from this and am thankful I have the chance to practice it on her lol


We did talk about the trip to OKC but she has to work early on Sunday so we can not go on Saturday. I suggested we go on Friday after she gets off work which would get us there around 11pm. I told her we could party for 3 or 4 hours, sleep in, then do something in the afternoon before coming home. She said she could not cuz she was not sure if her ex husband was coming for sure or not to pick up her son. So I tried to set something up. Oh, well. I kinda feel like she didn't want to go but I could be wrong.


She asked me when my next free weekend was and I told her in a month. She knows that is really the truth due to my travel and told me I suck cuz she wanted to get a group together next weekend to go there. I will keep you posted my friend.

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Just a quick note...this was a very good day if I want to look at all the positives in regards to the correspondence with the ex. This may have been the best day since the breakup in regards to her telling me how she felt. We did not end up going out together cuz she got behind and had to put her son to bed and her dryer was not working right and her cloths would not dry. She had all her jeans in there. Urrrrr


Anyways just wanted to encourage some of you that are struggling like I am to get back with our ex's or at least master this nonchalance thing. Check out the highlights from today with me ex.


1. She told me in 6 different text how much she missed me and around 4 times while at lunch. (that's really funny to me since it's only been a week since she spent the night).

2. Text back and forth about her drunkin call to me at 4am yesterday and she said "at least I was thinking of you"

3. Text me and told me how good it was to wake up this morning and talk to me (she called me after about 20 min of texting)

4. She sent the first text today saying I haven't heard from you! She must be feeling a little insecure

5. Asked me to lunch (I accepted and had lunch with her today)

6. Asked me to a concert next Thursday while at lunch (I am getting the tickets tomorrow)

7. Asked me to go on an overnight trip next weekend with her and some of our friends (I can not go I will be out of town)

8. Told me about a great taco stand and said the cow tongue tacos were really good. I told her I wanted some tongue and she text me back and said: I'll give you some tongue! I replied lol I'll take it!

9. We went shopping today and she had me buy a pair of superman underwear lol well I told her I was wearing them when she text me tonight and she said she wanted to see them on me!

10. Text me when she was going to bed and said good night and I will talk to you tomorrow if I don't get a drunkin 4am text from you! muah!


I don't know where this is going but this is by far the most flirtatious and open she has been in months. I wish all of you great success with mastering nonchalance which I have only been doing for about 3 weeks since reading this entire thread. I have crap and others that have given input in this thread to thank. I have been on this site cuz of this girl since March and only now am I seeing real positive results. 10 weeks of NC def helped me get my power back but it did not help me learn how to deal with women. haha This is the best lesson I have learned in a long time and plan to carry it on for the rest of my life.


Yes you need a balance between push and pull, but there is def a time when you need this in your bag to have a chance for success. IMHO

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She called in for a coffee before going home to bed and then called me very first thing this morning to see if I'd join her while she babysat for a friend. I declined. She then came round to share lunch with me as soon as she returned. Answered my call while in the city. Now threatening to come round again for a nightcap. And she's not preggers. I'm honestly not bothered any more though, but happy to report the effects of being truly nonchalant.


Live-N-Learn, I really think you need to take the lead now. It's all in your court. ;-)

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OK Nonchalance update!!


I have been living and breathing Nonchalance and actually FEELING it since, a week ago, he cancelled our date for the 25th (at our favourite restaurant where we both love the squid) said he was moving in with this girl and totally screwed me around with mixed up texts. I moved on mentally and physically - actually kissed somebody else who I have been out with since on a date (somebody very nice, and 12 yrs younger than me too! Ego boost or what?), and are arranging to meet up next week too.


The ex and I have kept in touch over stuff like finances but I had been quite short with him (due to being upset I guess), but gradually getting more nonchalant as I felt better about myself - heck I can survive without him, worse things happen at sea etc etc .


Anyway, fast forward to this morning, the following exchange occurred:

Him - I hope if you get one you only get a lodger on a very short lease. I know its nothing to do with me but I do hope so.


Me - It seems i am in your brain a fair bit at mo.... Am i comfy in there? Is there cake?


Him - You are and always have been in my sorry excuse for a brain, yes there is cake and comfy chairs like on friends! With flippy footy resty handles.


Me - Wow those chairs are quite big, must be lots of room in there!


Him - Lots of room in my brain yes, you surely aren't surprised lol.


Him - I have been a muppet havent I? Well at least i have got my mid life crisi out the way early hehe


Me - Hey, every cloud...


Him - indeed, although my clouds have cleared, And as much as I love this inyourendo, bottom line is i need you in my life and that has and will never ever change, you have always been there for me and been my best friend. And you really are the only person that gets me at all.


Him (2hrs later) - I thought if I couldn't see photos of you on facebook i wouldn't think of you. Wrong move! I can see you in my head anyway, forever licking that bloody banana lol. you know how to work that camera good.


Me - My banana licking skills are famed throughout the land. Tis true!


Him - Really! And there was me thinking you were a lady ;-)


Him - I miss this, just talking generic tat with you. I love it and I am pining for squid as well : (


Me - Hey, you made your choice, squid piner! You do realise that I can't stay in generic tat land forever dont you? Shouldn't really be condoning such talk...


Him - I made a dumb tw*tty choice to ignore my obvious love of squid and you and i feel like a nob for it, but i think the squid is still available after the 25th perhaps we can still partake of its crispy goodness. But i will be out of Bradford forever very soon, Its not my home and never will be. Kate i want you back i miss you and i love you and im meant to be with you and josh and buff (the dog) we may not be perfect but we work together and i know it.


I then rang him asking to speak to the Squid Whisperer.... We had a chat and he sounded the most certain and clear headed that I have ever heard him. He said he had been following the secret too so that may have something to do with it. He is still looking for a place of his own as he realises that he can't just move in with me after all that has happened. He is going to get himself sorted (practically, he says in his heart and head he knows what he wants now - but I know how hearts work, and how minds can change!). I said we would have to review the situation when he has got his own place as, the fact remains, he is living with another woman. It was all very amicable. And off he trots. I remained very nonchalant on the phone and didn't make any promises or even admit how I felt really. Whereas he plastered me with compliments and told me how much he loved me.


The best thing about this? Is that I don't care! We will see what happens next, and I will consider what I want to do. I do love him but I am not desperate for him to come back. I am having a blast at the moment with my friends, family and dates


Oh and JLT, in my situation. We tried NC since August 15th but he repeatedly broke it (longest he managed was 2 days) so I guess I did NIC since then. He has been NC for a week up till today.

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Your doing great Kate, I am so happy to read how this nonchalance attitude is helping so many of us to get ourselves back and at the same time is having such an affect on our ex's!!!! I love you line about being in his head! haha


None of us know what will truly happen with them but either way, we will be in a much better place.

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Kate, your responses were absolutely spot on, and really funny! Your nonchalance is working like a charm and you seem to have him round your little finger. So glad you're not bothered about the outcome and will decide for yourself what's best for you. You're in a good place. If you decide to give it another go with this chap, I'm sure you know he has to work for it.


It's really great to see everyone improving. I make no guarantees with this other than it will make you happier and more confident and your relationships healthier, and that it will at least stop your exes pulling away any further. Though if there is a way to pull your exes back, this is it.


Just need to work on the 'closing'. ;-)


just not sure, if you can think, then you can act nonchalant. Acting nonchalant means you are nonchalant. And the more you're nonchalant, the more nonchalant you are. You can do this. Need some help with witty responses? Just throw us a couple of examples of the kind of thing she might say to get a reaction from you. I reckon you'll get some excellent suggestions from the Nonchalant Crew here. ;-)

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OK, I have only been doing this for 3 weeks and as I have posted it is def having the best results I have seen in months! I was encouraged to finally make my move so I did this morning. Check out the results!


me: morning sweets

her: good morning sweets cheeks! (she was reference me saying last night that my new superman underwear she had me buy made my butt cheeks look good) lol

me. haha...that's funny...first thought that popped in my head when I read your text was...hello sweet cherry pie! lol

her: lol dork!...haha

me: Let's go on a date tomorrow night...do you remember what those are? lol maybe to the taco stand...nothing but the best for you! lol

her: lol I've kinda forgotten lol Yay date with Scotty! OK date it is. Maybe dance lesson too. Gotta get ready for the concert Thursday!

me: Perfect! I will def need some alcohol in me before the lesson! I'm sure I will do great since I will be wearing my super powers underwear lol

her: haha and you have to dance in only them! (she is being serious cuz the dance lessons always happen in my bedroom)

me: Id have it no other way! Too bad you don't have a bra with Lois Lanes picture on it to dance in...Clark would then be on cloud 9! lol

her: lol your such a nerd. But a very funny nerd! miss yo face!

me: Miss yo face too! We should try to get a group together and hit the town tonight. Crayz times acomin! lol (she is at work and has not answered back about tonight but it really doesn't matter. I will not bring it up again and will do something else if she does not reply).


What's cool is we have been pseudo dating for the past 4 months since I broke NC with her but she has never called what we are doing a date. This is the FIRST time she has called it a date! This nonchalance really works...I am seeing it with my own eyes. I never thought I could turns this around, I tried everything and this is the only thing that has worked. Yay for nonchalance! No matter what happens I feel really good about myself and how quickly this method works when you have the chance to be in contact with an ex and use it on them.


Btw...it probably did not hurt that a couple of hot chicks posted on my wall saying how good a time they had hanging out with me in Virginia Monday night

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