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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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So, is she still with that someone else...and was kissing you anyway? Sounds like she was blowing you off again because she still has the other guy. Her words of love mean nothing if she is still stalling for time because she is seeing someone else.

 

I completely agree.

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There is a very famous thread > in which over 141 pages people tell their stories which have one thing in common:

 

they were the dumpees, and the dumper went into rebound relationship after they dumped them, and all those who kept in LC with the dumper, lost them forever, because

the new rebound person had everything much easier and a much more relieved and confident powerful dumper

 

well, I think some form of contact must be kept when the relationship has been bad

and you can show this way that you changed.

 

And that nonchalant contact whould be the best way.

 

But CrapAtNC, what do you think about this 141 pages thread with people's experiences. They seem to be very cruel... dumper finds total comfort into going

into a new relationship while the dumper maintains contact with the dumpee, and uses dumpee to get over him easily.

 

And also making the best out of the new relationship.

 

What is your opinion about this?

 

Can nonchalant contact to be stronger than this?

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I agree with your agreement theory, Crap.

 

In fact, if we all had the wherewithal to AGREE with our break ups as they were happening - we may be in an entirely different place. Again it's a great concept in theory and difficult to execute in practice. In my opinion, very few dumpees have the foresight to be in an emotional position to AGREE with the break up. It is the perfect disarming tool when the dumper is expecting an entirely different reaction. Agreeing with the situation automatically makes the dumpee more attractive and appealing. The dumper expects tears, sadness, clinging behavior and lo and behold, the dumpee is smiling and agreeing, giving a friendly hug and walking away. What gives?

 

Even if we all made the classic mistakes as dumpees, if we are still in contact with the ex, one can start using agreement (in addition to nonchalance). In fact, the dumper is always "right" and if you have any hope of reconciliation, the dumpee is going to swallow his/her pride, agree with the break up and the dumper's terms as nonchalantly as possible, and blithely act as if nothing is wrong and the dumpee has nary a care in the world.

 

It's a game. That's all it is. Honesty rarely works when you are a dumpee. It's a tricky game to play, this nonchalance and agreement stuff. Especially when you work with your ex, as I do.

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You and I are on the same mission. I was actually talking to a buddy of mine the other night about using her as an experiment as well, funny you say that. I guess it took my heart to fully break to just not really care anymore. I mean dont get me wrong I care but I dont care as much as I did when I was with her. We are in light communication right now because we have an apartment situation we have to take care of, but I am to the point if I call her and she doesnt answer I wont worry myself because I know she will get back to me either by text/phone call. She started to have her doubts in the beginning of August..and now its September 19th..and I feel she is a stranger. Crazy how it all happens. " A moment, A moment changes everything"-David Gray

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Keep me posted on how it goes. We might as well try this out on them and see what happens. I'm interested to see your results.

 

Well the experiment continues with my little lab rat! haha. Anyways, I had the kids this weekend and could not go out last night. She went to the gay bar with a bunch of her friends. There is this one gay guy Jose that she really likes to dance with and he loves to dance with her. At 5am I get a text from her while I am sleeping and it wakes me up. It says. I need to know,

 

"did I make out with Jose? Seriously????????"

 

I don't think she meant to send this to me I am sure she was still drunk. I waited a bit and responded..haha.

 

Well she called me on her way to work and I did not pick up (I always pick up) then she text me right after saying..are you mad at me? I wait a bit and respond...was given the kids baths. What's there to be mad about? She is at work now so I will wait to see how she responds. It is clear she is worried I am pissed at her. Reality is...who cares... This girl is just trying to keep me on the hook and I am not staying there any longer. I will continue to pull away. Her telling me she is not dating for a long time then joining a dating site the next day is not OK. Her getting drunk and making out with gay guys is fine but it is not cool when she gets drunk with me, comes over and then does not make out with me. Enough is enough of this crap.

 

I plan to fade away into deep NIC and eventually NC. I am not going to be hanging around while she dates other guys. As soon as she pays and joins that dating site and post her profile information I am finished. Should be finished now but I'm an idiot lol

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Crap,

 

I read your situation. That takes cajones (balls) to completely agree with your girl. Especially when shes saying things and doing things that Obviously you don't want. But I guess by agreeing with them, you are DISARMING them. You're taking the ammo out of their gun. Taking the power and control away from them.

 

It's probably one of the hardest things to do also. There's the FEAR that you may never see them again or speak with them again.

 

But I guess, NC is Agreement, at its finest. They say they want a break/space. You go NC and agree with what they want. Then after a while, they start wondering what happened.

 

Anyhow, I'm back at LC with my girl. We've been texting and talking on the phone the last few days.

 

I don't know if we are still together though. Do I ask? I don't want her to think it's okay for her to be going on double dates or meeting new guys while we're on LC. If we are in a relationship, that's NOT acceptable. She's disrespecting me.

 

I think we are still together. She calls me honey and tells me she misses me. But my biggest concern is that she is hanging on to me while she may be meeting new guys. I honestly don't think thats what she wants because school and getting a job is her main concern, but, She does get hit on, DAILY, by multiple guys. I know the attention she gets is good for her. She likes it I'm sure.

 

How do I ask her where we stand? Or do I continue with Nonchalant and LC?

 

Right now, I am changing, or at least I feel like it. I'm reading an E-book about Meta-Frames and how I AM THE PRIZE. Make the girl chase after me. By mentally putting myself on the pedastool and not her, I can be Nonchalant, care-free, challenging, funny, attractive to her again.

 

I want to make my girl be ATTRACTED to me again, like she once was. And if she doesn't, then other girls here in San Diego will be. And she'll just be missing out.....

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Well.... my ex sent very confusing texts on Friday and cancelled our date. He then texted to say he wanted his family back and asked what I would say if he was to ask to come back now? I didn't get chance to answer, but 50 mins later he had done a total 180 and said I was better off without him and he just dragged me down. Then he said he was moving in with 'her' as 'she loves me and that is all the reason I need'. I of course rang, cried and did the pathetic neediness thing (while he sat in his van with all his belongings in it outside her house ready to move in) and told him he was using her and needed to sort himself out. Unfortunately, he has a habit of twisting logic in order to justify his every action and an annoying habit of thinking out loud in texts to me and then changing his mind and contradicting himself. He got very defensive. I shouldn't have rang him. I know that, but also know that I will have given him plenty to think about.

 

After the initial desperation (like I was totally back at square one again and losing him all over again), I feel stronger than ever. I quietly deleted him as a friend on facebook yesterday (as he requested) yet he made a point this morning of telling me he couldn't find the picture of his new girl on his profile so had just deactivated his account altogether. He said he was sorry about this (twice) and was looking for a place of his own to stay (backtracking?).

 

I am ignoring all the way for now. And I will be nonchalant if I have to reply regarding practical stuff. I actually 'worry' that he will start to contact me again instead of craving his messages, I truly want him to leave me alone as he is weak and messed up. Now I know that I will truly get over him, I was just hanging on to the hope of him coming back - as he had kept me dangling. Now he has disappointed me so much that he would have to present me with a miracle in order for me to take him back.

 

Oh and San Diego ladies will be loving you, Okane... I kept my dignity and pride, went out last night and got the number of a Royal Marine 10 years younger than me! Because I am worth it ;-)

 

L n L, I am a member of a dating site. I haven't even kissed anyone that I have dated. The difference is, I am doing this all for me - I get the feeling that your ex is doing this for your benefit rather than hers. But desperate people do desperate things! I did a lot of foolish things like her when I was 17, before I had learned from all my mistakes and developed some self respect. And it is this self respect that allows you to bounce back so much quicker from absolutely everything. How old is she?

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I'm still wondering how to be nonchalant with someone when you haven't heard from them. I guess the idea is to just ignore them and hope that they eventually make an excuse to make contact? I get the feeling my ex is staying away from me as a "favor" to me so I can get over him. That's how he is.

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Certainly move on. Do it for no other reason than you deserve better. Seriously.

 

Crap,

 

Should I tell her I am moving on or just do it? Since I am moving on part of me just wants to tell her straight how I feel. That she has been treating me less than I deserve, taking advantage of me and not telling me the whole truth about the dating thing. I know this is my pride talking and it is probably best to be nonchalant, indifferent and just fade away. What are your thoughts? Which will be more effective at letting her know she has lost me and I have had enough? If I just fade away I am sure she will ask me what is wrong, maybe that will be the best time to tell her. Or maybe I just laugh and say nothing and keep pulling away.

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Kate, I know you know this, and we all make mistakes, but the best thing you could have done was to NOT respond to his threat. He's childish, insecure, thoughtless, and manipulative . . . and it's all because he has got what he wants doing that previously.

 

I'm so glad you have realised that you really do deserve better. It's often the case that the real prizes are the people kind enough to make an effort for the people they love but those people (we) feel otherwise. You've woken up now. You are the one who should be chased. Never respond to a man's childish threats again--that's the perfect time to walk away.

 

The ball is in your court, you have all the power, and you should be happy and confident. Now do whatever you feel is good for you!

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L n L, I am a member of a dating site. I haven't even kissed anyone that I have dated. The difference is, I am doing this all for me - I get the feeling that your ex is doing this for your benefit rather than hers. But desperate people do desperate things! I did a lot of foolish things like her when I was 17, before I had learned from all my mistakes and developed some self respect. And it is this self respect that allows you to bounce back so much quicker from absolutely everything. How old is she?

 

Sorry to hear about how messed up your ex is at this time. I am glad to hear you finally got the closer you needed to move on.

 

I too feel like I have gotten the same. I am not sure why you think she is doing this for my benefit. She does not know I know she signed up for the dating service. If she goes through with it and pays to post her profile then it def is not for my benefit IMO. She does not have much money and would not spend the money to make me upset especially when she has not told me she is doing it. I don't think she is desperate to get me back at all, I think she is just using me now til she finds someone better. I did not think this before but the lasts few weeks of events are changing my opinion. If she wanted to be with me I am pretty sure she knows I would be with her. She is 27 with a 5 year old.

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Sorry to hear about how messed up your ex is at this time. I am glad to hear you finally got the closer you needed to move on.

 

Thanks sweetheart x Glad too that you seem to be getting stronger.

 

I am not sure why you think she is doing this for my benefit. She does not know I know she signed up for the dating service. If she goes through with it and pays to post her profile then it def is not for my benefit IMO. She does not have much money and would not spend the money to make me upset especially when she has not told me she is doing it.

 

I just meant that she comes accross as the kind of girl to cut her nose off to spite her face. She appears to be desperate to find someone / fill her diary with options and I think she would hope that this would come back to you. Maybe this is out of insecurity because she can't be alone or to make you jealous and provoke a response (hence making out with her gay friend!).

 

I think that my ex (and maybe your ex) finds it very frightening to commit to coming back to me as it will mean stepping up to the plate and running the risk of letting me down again. It is much easier for him to commit to someone who already accepts him the way he is, as it validates that he is ok and means he can carry on running away from his unresolved issues. I think the more nonchalant I get, the more unnatainable and therefore attractive I seem. But also then he puts me on a pedestal and gets scared of knocking me down again. Yet another part of him wants to knock me down so that he can justify that he was right to leave in the first place and get validation that he was important to me. Must be horrible to be feeling torn like that - but that is his problem. Not mine.

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Yeah Kate, I really don't know what her motivation is at this time. I do know she needs validation from others constantly to feel good about herself. She never cleans up her messes before moving onto the next person. She tries to keep some of her ex's around as options for whatever reason. I do believe once she finds someone that accepts her completely she will give it a go with them. I can promise you it will not work out for him, poor chap! She has only had 3 relationships in her life more than 2 months and I was one of them. No one person seems to be able to satisfy her need for attention and validation. She seem to get it from a lot of people both straight, gay and lesbian. She is quite popular. But look what she is doing to get the attention! Not someone with the right morals and standards I want in a girlfriend.

 

I do accept her as she is in many ways but lately she is over the top with her actions to get attention. I was not there last night when she made out with the gay guy. From her text is sounds like she barely remembers it or someone told her she did. I don't think she meant to send me that text, I think she meant to send it to her friend Tina. Probably just drunk still and sent it to the wrong person. Who knows, she may have sent it to me to get a reaction. Who cares, she is a mess and I don't want to put anymore effort into something that is clearly not going anywhere. Just trying to figure out if I say anything to her or just disappear. I know if I pull back she will ask me what is wrong. I may sayi what I am thinking or just may stay nonchalant and give her nothing. What would you do?

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So she sent me that text last night which I think she meant to send to someone else saying:

 

her: I need to know. Did I make out with Jose? Seriously?????? (he is the gay guy)

me: haha

her today: are you mad at me? that was sent after I did not pick up her call

me: was given the kids baths. What's there to be mad about?

her: Miss you my special crayz ass

me: Who wouldn't

 

I really need to find a way out of this retarded situation. I don't think she is ever going to go away and it is going to be up to me to let her go and get out. Ugh... Part of me is just having a hard time letting go of the hope that she will come back and try again. I should know better after the last 3 months interactions. Yes I may still be able to be her FWB from time to time, but that is not what I want and it is not worth the effort anymore.

 

I know one of the straight bartenders that always gives us our drinks at that club is hitting on her. He posted on her wall today that he enjoyed the breakfast conversation with her this morning. She responded with something like, I had fun, breakfast is always the best at 4am

 

Somebody slap some sense into me! I really need to get out, I just can't be her friend when I still care about her too much. Her going to breakfast with this guy and maybe others were there too, I don't know. Is causing me too much anxiety. I honestly don't know where her and I stand. Maybe I just need to ask her. I am so confused by all her text and actions.

 

One good this is nonchalance is helping me not be as obsessive. No really I am doing better lol

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I think you are best just ignoring her texts to be honest. Of course it will be hard to let go - I am in the same place there. I think now though, I just feel sad at the thought of him wasting his life and I guess I wanted to be the one to save him. It's like a bereavement, but they are still alive. And while they are alive, there is still hope.

 

Trust me, if either of them actually get their act together and want us back, they will be super keen to let us know. We just need to move on in the meantime and give them a chance to save themselves.

 

And just remember, it's win win.

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I think you are best just ignoring her texts to be honest. Of course it will be hard to let go - I am in the same place there. I think now though, I just feel sad at the thought of him wasting his life and I guess I wanted to be the one to save him. It's like a bereavement, but they are still alive. And while they are alive, there is still hope.

 

Trust me, if either of them actually get their act together and want us back, they will be super keen to let us know. We just need to move on in the meantime and give them a chance to save themselves.

 

And just remember, it's win win.

 

Kate, that is going to be really hard to do cuz I know she will keep calling and texting and if I don't respond she will push until I give her an answer. of course if I ignore long enough she will get pissed and she will go away but I really don't want to end it this way. There is a part of me that just wants to tell her something like this:

 

I have come to the realization that we both want something different out of this relationship. I hoped we would be further along than we are by now, but were not and that's OK. That doesn't make either of us bad people it's just were both being true to our feelings. I now need to open myself up to someone that wants the same thing as I do.

 

Would this be bad to say? Is it nonchalant enough? I can avoid her calls and text for a little bit but I am sure she will want and explanation. Maybe this is my last ditch effort to get her back. Why I still want her is a mystery. I am bailing out because I am not getting what I want and it's too painful to watch all that is going on, especially if she starts dating someone.

 

What is so crayz is I still don't know that status of our relationship! She will never define it. Don't know if we are just friends, FWB's or what and that is not fair. If she told me where I stood it would make it so much easier to make a decision on how to proceed.

 

I guess I am askiing is just going away better than saying something like this? Would it make her respect me and mss me more? Would I be more attractive to her if I just went away and said nothing? Just trying to figure out what to do. I just don't understand what she wants from me anymore or why she is trying so hard to keep me around.

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That message sounds a bit final to me and like you are looking for a new relationship... It could be a bridge burner... Not sure what other's perspectives are but, as a woman, I would read it that way....

 

I drafted a message to my ex but decided against sending it, but I will if he keeps sending wishy washy messages and not defining what he wants. It went along the lines of: We are no longer friends; if you don't want to be with me, then I don't want to hear from you. There is nothing to be gained by talking to you right now.

 

I figured that kept the door open and would push him to make some kind of decision. Not exactly nonchalant but I do believe that, especially when there is the imminent potential for your ex to move onto another relationship, you are actually giving them your blessing by responding to texts and giving them the 'comfort' of knowing you are there while they explore a new relationship...

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I agree with you and it is very hard to let go again of the communication with her. I went NC on her once before for 10 weeks. But in light of her telling me she is not going to be dating and then joining a dating site, I have to reconsider all that she has told me. She told me she would talk to me about us before starting to date again. Clearly that is not what is happening. I will not stand by and be her friend while she dates.

 

So you think I need to ask her where we stand and if she says just friends then I tell her something like this?

 

I am not interested in being just your friend while I still have feelings for you. If you don't want to be with me that is OK, It's just best I don't hear from you if that's the case. I will be in contact when I am OK with just being friends.There is nothing to be gained by talking with your right now.

 

I agree being nonchalant is important but I feel if I continue being nonchalant without knowing where I stand I am doing as you mentioned 'giving comfort and my blessing to seek out a new relationship". No thanks

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This is all very well - but it isn't yielding any results other than more yo-yo behaviour that is getting no one further ahead at all.

 

DN,

 

So what would you do in my spot?

 

She just called me on her break and told me she meant to send me the text referencing if she made out with the gay guy or not. Said she was told by a friend that she did last week when we were out together. It was not about last night. I told her she didn't and she was relieved. Additionally she asked when I was getting back from Virginia and I told her Wednesday night, then she asked if we were going out. I said I did not know we will see.

 

Then just a few minutes ago she posted this on my FB wall. She does not post on my wall often: "Man this is just weird. Not hangin out with you and now your gone for 3 more days, Thats like almost a week! Grrr"

 

I really don't get this girl or what her intentions are with me.

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In situations where an ex is sending mixed messages about getting back together I believe it is better to cut to the chase and tell them that if they want to get back together than they should say so otherwise you are going to move on and find someone else. Anything else is just blather.

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