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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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I'm really becoming EXTREMELY confused

 

I'm feeling the same as Mark33 does, except that my ex left me instead of fixing his issues because he seemed to be too tired to even try and just wanted to get himself away to finally relax. I admit I had mistakes as everyone does because no one is perfect, but I wasn't the reason behind the break up, it was him who was too weak to handle his mistakes and fix them to save the relationship, instead he turned stubborn and selfish by focusing on his own relief and so he walked away.

 

Though, I know he is the one who is supposed to make a move now if he really wanted for us to work, but I don't know why I feel at fault! I can't understand why am I feeling guilty when I actually was there for him when it was getting harder. But when I think of what we went through, I feel as a victim. I was a victim to his confusion which is not fair at all. I'm trying real hard to avoid those feelings.

 

I believe I'm on NC for a little over 2 weeks to get myself together, hold my ground, and get my value/respect back. I lost them for him when I thought that he would take care of me and my dignity. I'm on NC because I can't do nothing about it at the moment, if I make a move he will reject me and I don't want to feel rejected anymore it freaking hurts. I'm on NC because we both really needed space to cool it down and let this anger go away it was too much.

 

The hardest part is that I still want to have him back in my life. I learned a lot of things during this time alone. I realized so many things that we BOTH were missing. I have this little hope which keeps me wanting to give it a last try, and help him understand how much valuable is what we lost and that it can be found again with a strong will.

 

What I'm saying is that how will I be able to open up to him and let him know what he is missing? I don't want to force him or sound pushy, I know you can't change someone unless they are willing to, but if I show him the way there's a possibility that he could push himself to learn for more on his own. I definitely don't want to rush it, but sometimes nothing can help you rest but being direct and honest. I still believe I have to wait for the right time though.

 

After this NC period, I think contact should be initiated between me and my ex because I still want him. I don't want to be the one who does it first, but if he didn't I'll have to. He's really got a stone-head to the point that even he really wanted to reach for me he would hold himself from it. How can I do it in a nonchalant way? I DON'T want to sound needy.

I've mentioned before that we are at the same college too.

 

This is awful. I want him to know that I still care and at the same time I want to act nonchalant, isn't this a contradiction?

 

Sounds rambly sorry. ](*,)

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The protocol is that if you are going to write a soliloquy, you should at least follow the topic. I am not a moderator, but suggest if you just want to speak of yourself-start your own thread. You will get responses and not be accused (again) of hijacking. I especially enjoy the flow of threads when this is considered.

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Yeah I understand this point. I guess unconsciously I got into a little bit more details but I'm sure CrapAtNC will get my point in the post and forgive me

 

I will paraphrase my question. If I want to initiate contact with my ex when it feels like the right time but still remain nonchalant, what do you suggest?

 

And would it be better if I initiate it nonchalantly when I bump into him in college? Like a quick convo of "Hi, how are you?"

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Hi Yostina,

It is recommended that you are truly at the point where not acting non chalant, but actually living it before you make contact. Your break up is still fresh and I'm not sure if you have started to work on activities that will improve YOU! Maybe take a lesson, spend time with an old friend, do something that improves your life. You had mentioned your family is far away? How about write an elderly family member a letter and add a photo? This will make you feel good an realize the world does not revolve around this guy.

 

In my opinion, you can start the road to non chalance at anytime. Actually bumping into your ex and having him see you, your expressions etc.--it might be harder to truly be non chalant ...especially if you have not worked on yourself.

I know school is starting for you soon, so maybe you should try not to see him until you actually are non chalant. After a month, you may feel better, after 6 weeks even better- of course you have been making an effort to work on yourself during this time.

 

It's hard, but if you are in school, surely there are may activities that will help you along the way to full on non chalance.

 

Back to your question. I would not initiate contact yet...I honestly dont think you are there yet. If you get ambushed (bump into eachother at school) just be light and happy and don't do more than say a few plesantries.

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Hey Crap

 

I have been NC for about 3 weeks now and have been trying to live nonchalant. I don't feel nonchalant inside but I am trying to fake it! I have ordered workout videos and I also go to the gym because I have to be physical to feel better. Last night I went to my neice's bd party it was fun. Well I just received a text from him at 3 in the morning asking me if I am still awake so is this one that I let go or is this an opportunity to say something light or funny?

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Regardless as to whether it is "normal" or not, it is certainly unkind and disrespectful for him to boast to you about how great the sex is with his new girlfriend. Ugh. He sounds very immature. Please do not reward this behavior by contacting him and when he DOES contact to you to boast about it, I agree with Crap that you should respond with nonchalant and slightly sarcastic retorts like the ones he is recommending. AND if he contacts you and you decide to talk with him, you should always end the conversation first, keep it brief, be mysterious and make him wonder about what you are doing.

 

I would remain in No Contact. If you LIVED with this man there is no way he will forget that you exist so please just let go of that idea.

 

The bottom line is you have absolutely no control over what he does, who he is sleeping with, how he decides to live his life. If it were me, I would just disappear and ignore any of his communications for a while and I would definitely NOT let him know how much it bothered me. I completely blew this a year or so ago when I was presented with a situation where the ex was with someone new and I let him know how much it hurt me. In retrospect, this is a huge regret (so much for nonchalance!) and I wished I had played the game better and not been so freakin' honest. Had I been more nonchalant about it, I think I'd have had a much better chance with him. If only, if only, if only....

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Hey Crap

 

I have been NC for about 3 weeks now and have been trying to live nonchalant. I don't feel nonchalant inside but I am trying to fake it! I have ordered workout videos and I also go to the gym because I have to be physical to feel better. Last night I went to my neice's bd party it was fun. Well I just received a text from him at 3 in the morning asking me if I am still awake so is this one that I let go or is this an opportunity to say something light or funny?

 

I would not respond to any drunkin 3am texts or calls. Not responding to this one will bother him more than if you respond. It is too late now to respond you will look weak. If he sent you this text is is clear he is still thinking of you and will reach out again. Just wait for the right opportunity to respond nonchalant. Stay strong you can do it.

 

btw. My ex called me at 3:45 in the morning last night. it was def. a drunk dial. I did not answer even though we are on good terms. I have been nonchalant with her for a couple of weeks and she is def. responding.

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To be honest, I am more concerned with the fact that my ex does not contact me at all. I haven't spoken to him since we exchanged stuff about three weeks ago. I know he's off with his bimbo having a great time, but I don't know that he will ever come back around to talking to me. I get the feeling that he's trying to do me some sort of favour by waiting for me to contact him "when I'm ready", since I'm the one that got dumped. I also think that this is a wonderful way of ignoring any guilt that he feels. I'm able to handle actual communication okay--I haven't freaked out or cried in front of him since I moved out of his house, and I waited for him to contact me to exchange some of our stuff. And then I made sure I was busy so he had to reschedule. But now that there is no unfinished business, he could very well just go off into the sunset with his bimbo. I can try to be nonchalant about things, but it's of no value if I'm doing it in a room by myself, lol.

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I'm going deeper into NIC now. I've done what I wanted to do (spent time letting her see what a catch she was losing) and now it's time to accept her choice. We'll still hang out a little, but only a fraction of what we were before. I'm now going to be too busy. She will be affected, I know. But really I'm doing it because I don't enjoy supporting her moving on.

 

Crap,

 

I think you did great with your exchange with the ex at her work. That along with going deeper into NIC will def. have an affect on her.

 

 

I too feel as if I have done all I need to do to let the ex see what she has to lose if I am no longer in her life. I need to accept her decision to be single and not date anyone right now. I am going to start being less available and not answer or respond to as many texts and calls. I will not initiate anymore meet ups, I will leave that to her. I will also say that I am busy and not accept all her invitations.

 

Let me ask you how to handle one part that I am not sure of. Being a single mother she does not have much money. So when we go out I usually pick up the tab. I know she appreciates it but also may take it for granted at times. I don't want her to feel like she has her cake and eating it to by having the option to friendzone me (if that is what is now happening) and me paying for her. How do I transition to her picking up her drinks when this really has never been part of our dynamic?

 

Do you think this is a big deal? Or is it more important that I continue being nonchalant and her seeing me this way? Maybe pulling back from paying will let her see she can not have me paying for her all the time if we are just friends. She is not a user so that is not what is going on here. She truly enjoys our time together. How would you handle this situation? I want to do what gives me the best chance at getting her back eventually,

 

Btw.. she drunk dialed me last night at 3:45am. I did not answer.

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Crap,

 

I had every intention to break up with my girl this weekend. It's been hurting a lot. But... I chilled out like you said, and didn't do it.

 

But I did contact her.

 

I called her and we spoke for the first time, at length, for about 36 minutes. I tried my best to be nonchalant and act upbeat.

It was a little hard because I am really missing her right now and I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

Anyway, she told me she's been super busy with school and its been tough for her. She's lost a little weight because of the stress and her busy schedule.

 

Her situation now also includes her best friend who is now newly single after her relationship of 5 years with her boyfriend. So her best friend is Dragging my girl out to nightclubs, bars, meeting guys... I'm sure my girl doesn't mind it too much, but she told me its getting a little annoying.

 

That bothered me alot. I know my girl is faithful, but, just the thought of her dancing and meeting tons of new guys... I don't know, its hard. My girl is super hot, so tons of guys flock to her anyways.

 

I know that this is a "ME" issue, that beautiful girls get hit on, but it just makes it harder that we are a long distance relationship and right now, I don't even know 100% if I'm still her boyfriend.

 

We did end up talking about the relationship. She said she likes how its going now. The Low Contact. I basically never text or call her anymore and only respond when she does. She says that she feels like the pressure of "the relationship" is off and she can concentrate on school and finding her first job.

 

Lately, some days I feel really good with where I'm at. I'm working out, focusing on business, getting my stuff together... and she is Not my priority... But then there are days I miss her like CRAZY! Like today...

 

She said that she wants to hear from me more... Its cool to text and call a bit more, but to not over do it, like before, when I was suffocating her. I once called her 8 times because I couldn't reach her. This was 2 weeks ago, when she said she needed space and time to think.

 

Well, ever since then, I've been on pretty strict NC, now LC.

 

She said, I can "breathe" now. She said she liked hearing about my life and liked telling me about hers.

 

Anyhow, I wanted to keep it brief, so I let her go.

 

I broke though and told her I missed her. She said she misses me too.

 

And the last thing I said, I HAD to tell her. I told her, "I still love you."

 

She was a little silent and then we said goodbye...

 

I'm confused. What do I do now? I wanted to initially break up with her, and now we're on some sort of LC.

 

I'm not sure if I'm happy anymore. Actually, I don't think I am. I LOVE HER soo much, but its just not the same anymore.

Nothing is the same. The past is the past, and we have no plans for the future.

 

If she asked me to, I would make my way to Korea and try to build a life for us. But as of right now, we're struggling to even stay together.

 

Damn... I gotta work out now...Thanks for reading.

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So I noticed my ex signed up for an online free dating service todsay. urrrr...whatever. She was telling me the other day she should join a dating service so that she can make more gay friends so she can have more girlfriends. She considers gay guys her girlfiends. Anyways, I doubt that is why she joined the site today.

 

This kinda bothers me cuz she just told me yesterday she told a guy she is not dating and does not plan to for some time. She called me a few minutes ago and we talked for about 10 min. and I told her I had to go. She goes what? Your ending the call with me? I said yeah, need to get the kids ready, Im taking them to the park. She goes, you can get them ready while you talk to me. I laughed at her and said look at you, your funny. She laughed and then said you can't end the call I am the one who ends the calls so I will talk to you later. I laughed at here and said bye.

 

I know this bothered her but I really don't care. Deeper into NIC is where I need to go. I am not happy with her joining a dating site today. It goes against everything she has been telling me. I have never know her to lie to me but this is suspicious.

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Update....well the dating site she joined is not a free site. I saw her profile and it is not set up yet. Can't wait to see what she writes if she actually joins. It is free to sign up but you have to pay to correspond and send/receive messages and flirts from members. Of course her basic info says she is interested in men.

 

I think I am done with this girl. I am now feeling used...taking her out all the time and paying. Too bad, but it really doesn't matter anymore. Time for me to stop investing in her and find someone that wants to be with me and not use me. I won't say anything to her about it I will just fade away. Good news is that this makes it easier to walk away and truly be nonchalant and not give a damn. Just hurts to be played. I thought I was making progress with her but I guess not.

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I would not respond to any drunkin 3am texts or calls. Not responding to this one will bother him more than if you respond. It is too late now to respond you will look weak. If he sent you this text is is clear he is still thinking of you and will reach out again. Just wait for the right opportunity to respond nonchalant. Stay strong you can do it.

 

btw. My ex called me at 3:45 in the morning last night. it was def. a drunk dial. I did not answer even though we are on good terms. I have been nonchalant with her for a couple of weeks and she is def. responding.

 

Live and Learn

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I did not reply to him. It's hard but I have decided who really cares and its better to do nothing than to do something wrong and beat myself up about it. As for the girl you are dating I agree with you that its a good idea to pull back a lot. It kind of sounds like she is friend zoning you. I think you should let her miss you and feel that she is losing you.

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Live and Learn

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I did not reply to him. It's hard but I have decided who really cares and its better to do nothing than to do something wrong and beat myself up about it. As for the girl you are dating I agree with you that its a good idea to pull back a lot. It kind of sounds like she is friend zoning you. I think you should let her miss you and feel that she is losing you.

 

Kim.

 

I am glad to hear you did not respond. I can assure you doing nothing is the hardest when we just want to fix things. However, taking on a nonchalant attitude to fix ourselves is a great approach. It helps to not have everything that happens bother you so much.

 

I am def. going to pull back. It is becoming very clear that she is not interested right now in working things out. I have done my best to show her who I could be if she wanted to try again. Her telling me she is not wanting to date for some time then the next day joining a dating site is unacceptable. It makes it clear to me that she is not being honest and really is using me. I don't care if it is intentional or not. If not, it is quite selfish. I will pull way back and see what happens. Ugh lol

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Live n Learn

 

Yes you are right I should not be analyzing everything that happens and just let things go. I am happy for any contact but that doesn't mean I have to engage. For you I totally agree pull way back and see what she does. I would treat her very indifferently for a while. I think it was great how you just laughed at her when she asked if you were ending the conversation. I think you should laugh at her like that because it may make her feel you are indifferent to her. You are doing good.

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One thing i have learned out of all of this(my fiance left me) is that to truly live life to the fullest you have to really not give two * * * * s about anything in life and let the law of attraction work in your best interested. I dont know if i will get her back but I know I love her with all my heart. I wish i could text/call her right now but that isnt allowed...

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One thing i have learned out of all of this(my fiance left me) is that to truly live life to the fullest you have to really not give two * * * * s about anything in life and let the law of attraction work in your best interested. I dont know if i will get her back but I know I love her with all my heart. I wish i could text/call her right now but that isnt allowed...

 

That's what I just learned. I learned I should continue living my life the way it was before that person ever came into the picture.

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I am not a "religious" person..but I believe everyone hits rock bottom every once and awhile and when you hit rock bottom you find clarity in yourself and situations you are going through in your life. There are things I cant control and one of those is controlling how people feel about me. If I knew that now she would still be in my life but now I have to suffer through it by drinking merlot and accepting the fact that she may..just..never.. come back and right now thats something really hard to swallow.

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I am not a "religious" person..but I believe everyone hits rock bottom every once and awhile and when you hit rock bottom you find clarity in yourself and situations you are going through in your life. There are things I cant control and one of those is controlling how people feel about me. If I knew that now she would still be in my life but now I have to suffer through it by drinking Merlot and accepting the fact that she may..just..never.. come back and right now that's something really hard to swallow.

 

I bet the Merlot is much easier to swallow than the thoughts of the ex not coming back! I think I will join you for a bottle Yes it is very difficult to let go and accept that we can not control others or the way they feel about us. However, we can control how we allow there actions to affect us. I have been on this site since March and have tried everything to either get my ex back or move on. Ugh....I pseudo dated her for 3 months post break up, I went NC for 10 weeks and I have hung out with her for 3 months after the 10 weeks of NC.

 

Let me tell you nothing was working. I just could not seem to get beyond it and over her. That is until I found this thread about being nonchalant. I now have much less stress about it or about life in general. Whatever happens I will be fine. This is now becoming my mission in life...to live a life of with a nonchalant attitude! It has only been a few weeks but I can tell the difference and I am sure she can as well. I have seen a difference in how she has been responding when I am successful with this approach. I think I will use her as a ginnie pig/lab experiment to see how this attitude effects ex's haha

 

I doubt she will ever come back and at this point who cares. I just want to get myself back. Not taking things so seriously and cracking jokes seems to be doing wonders.

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There's a supplement to nonchalance that is extremely powerful, and I employed it last night to great effect. It's called agreement.

 

After just four days of no contact and outstanding nonchalance from me when we bumped into each other, she followed me to my car, jumped into the back seat and begged me to let her spend time with me. I nonchalantly agreed to let her, and we arranged to meet at mine a little later for an LE (language exchange). The last time we had an LE we had a lot of fun and became quite intimate. But she didn't turn up; apparently she'd fallen asleep, and called much later asking me to go to hers instead.

 

I'm embarrassed to say that I dropped nonchalance at that point, because she has a history of letting me down like this and I was expecting more effort after her begging. I have to say, though, that was wrong of me. She was still wanting to see me, but instead wanted me to go to her place. I won't go to hers while she's seeing someone else, so I said to just forget it, in a very upbeat and reassuring way.

 

Later I texted that we should forget trying to LE and hinted that we should both just accept that she has her own life now. Again, this was a mistake on my part, and it came from the disappointment I felt after four days of missing her and feeling I was losing her. I was having a weak moment.

 

She replied agreeing that it was a good idea, to forget everything. This is a crucial part of the convo. When she did that, I immediately panicked (nonchalantly, of course) and went next door to her place. When she answered the door, I simply said that I was pissed off. I wasn't angry or wanting to fight. I just wanted her to know that I don't like it when she keeps cancelling or not turning up (even though she'd invited me to hers instead--silly).

 

But the weak moment brought about a very honest convo between the two of us. To cut a long story short, we talked about missing each other and loving each other. When I asked if she'd ever thought about us getting back together, she burst into a huge smile. She tried to contain it, but she couldn't. She even laughed--she seemed so incredibly happy that I'd suggested it. But she couldn't respond. She kept looking at me and then at her feet. After a minute or so of this I asked if the answer was somewhere on her foot, and should I just ask her foot directly. We both laughed. She finally said that she's not ready yet, that she has a lot of fear about being in love with a foreigner again (her ex was a foreigner).

 

I tried to address her concerns but didn't want to appear like I was desperate nor pushy. She was genuinely afraid of being hurt again, and I need to tread carefully. Clearly we both love each other, and obviously, from all the kissing and physical contact while we were talking, we were still attracted to each other. I'd let my nonchalance drop and felt it had put me in a weak position, but now that I'd composed myself again, I was in the most intimate situation I'd been in with her since the break-up.

 

Considering the level of intimacy, I considered being less nonchalant and going all out to try and get her to agree to try again. I am so glad I did not give into that urge. Instead, I realized it was the perfect time to resort to agreement. Rather than trying to get her to change her mind, I agreed with her. I said that she was right, that if we got back together, it would be so difficult to communicate that the relationship simply wouldn't work. In fact, I was embarrassed that I had thought otherwise. It would be horrible if we got back together. I was quite serious when I said this.

 

Her response? After an hour of her telling me how it would never work between us, she suddenly switched to defending me and our potential relationship: "No! It wouldn't be that bad. It would be really good in many ways. Look, can we wait three or four days before we do anything else? Let's just not think right now, OK? Don't say yes, don't say no." I of course agreed. We hugged intensely, touched intimately, and she kissed me like she's never kissed me since the break-up. Then I left. I had turned things around in exactly the same way she had earlier in the evening, simply by agreeing.

 

I think some of you need to try this. Agreement is a great tool for preventing them from pulling away further by convincing you and them that things would never work. It's also great at bringing them closer if you can agree with even the most horrible things they say: "You're right; I really was a terrible lover," "I agree. I am a no good dirty piece of scum, and you have every right to tell me so," and "You shouldn't forgive me; I don't deserve it." When we do this, magic happens, and they usually jump to our defence! It also puts you in the driving seat again, since you're now working with your ex and not against him or her--it's so much easier for them to follow now.

 

Please, give this technique a try and report back your results. I expect some great and uplifting stories.

 

Take care, all.

 

 

Crap

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There's a supplement to nonchalance that is extremely powerful, and I employed it last night to great effect. It's called agreement.

It's 2:30am here. I just would like to say that I'm happy for you. Now I should get some sleep. Goodnight all.

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I won't go to hers while she's seeing someone else, so I said to just forget it

 

So, is she still with that someone else...and was kissing you anyway? Sounds like she was blowing you off again because she still has the other guy. Her words of love mean nothing if she is still stalling for time because she is seeing someone else.

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