Jump to content

Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

Recommended Posts

CrapAtNC what is the longest period that you stayed NC and what were the results?

 

I was NC for about five weeks, while I was away traveling, and she called. On Valentine's Day. We talked for about an hour.

 

Sooo, what now?

 

I dont think me loving her was the problem, it was me

being toooo much.

 

I think/believe that when we speak next and if im nonchalant

we can be okay. Shes starting to notice the difference in me

already.

 

I think i have to wait for her to contact me next though.

 

She knows i miss her because of that text.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Normally my old self would text, call and bug her why she didnt respond

right away. But now, i wont. I hope she does, but i'll give her time.

 

Texting her was a bad idea. Totally bad idea. However, you at least now have an opportunity to show change here, because if you do nothing from now on, she will know that you are not you're needy old self (well, not so bad).

 

You stayed in NC and she called you. If I were you, I'd focus on that next time I felt like texting.

 

Say you've been split 2 weeks and had LC since, I'm only replying to her, I've been kinda dis-interested acting though. She was rebuffing any attempts I had at flirting before dumping me, what is the best course of action. I definitely got a rise when I acted aloof/disinterested at the weekend, I did some of the teasing/playfulness that you suggest, but I was more just being a bit cold to her, which I guess won't achieve the desired result, today I saw her again and we had a chat, I didn't act too interested in her and kept all personal details out of it, but we watched some funny youtube videos etc.

 

I've already kinda decided I'm gonna move on/let her go anyway, but I suppose as an experiment I'm interested in this!

 

Being cold will raise their interest in you if it's a new thing, but it's a dangerous move, because, if she now starts paying you more attention, you will automatically be more cold in the future, which is a crap basis for any relationship.

 

When I suggest being aloof, I mean to be a little more distant, more unavailable.

 

The most powerful thing you could do right now is go off the radar for a little while. It works wonders in that it's great for your state of mind and very likely to stir up more interest from her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 3k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
CrapAtNC, why do you advise NC now?

 

I thought that your lessons are about

showing her a new improved You, and to spark attraction back from her.

 

Simply because they are too stressed about the outcome of their communications, and there's no way they can remain nonchalant at this stage.

 

By the way, I wanted to ask you very important question regarding the exgfs you attracted back in your life:

 

Did you do begging and pleading with them just after breakup?

How did you turn that around and make them forget that?

 

Thank you

 

I begged, pleaded, cried--all of it. When I became more nonchalant, they forgot about that like it never even happened. If ever your ex does bring it up, brush it off. If we don't want to see something again, we simply pay it no attention. Lead your ex away from those thoughts. Just brush them off playfully and take the conversation somewhere more constructive. It only becomes an issue if you give fuel to it, so don't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I begged, pleaded, cried--all of it. When I became more nonchalant, they forgot about that like it never even happened. If ever your ex does bring it up, brush it off. If we don't want to see something again, we simply pay it no attention. Lead your ex away from those thoughts. Just brush them off playfully and take the conversation somewhere more constructive. It only becomes an issue if you give fuel to it, so don't.

 

Ok, I think most useful would be a list of texts that show nonchalance, and upbeatness.

 

What were the most succesfull messages of text on phone that you saw a very good result to?

 

Big Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, I think most useful would be a list of texts that show nonchalance, and upbeatness.

 

What were the most succesfull messages of text on phone that you saw a very good result to?

 

Big Thanks!

 

I'll share what I've been doing. I'm taking Crap's advice since NC just wasn't working. She kept texting and calling and I was no where near strong enough to ignore the contact. So far it's been working great.

 

My guidelines are ever changing but at the moment: I don't contact her first, I let her contact me 100%. I keep my contact as short as possible while being very friendly and upbeat, as if the breakup hasn't affected me at all (I will not under any circumstance let anything she does bother me or act upset/angry... maintain a James Bond cool). I told her that I needed the break too (that is the truth). When she says she loves me, I say it back, but just quick and short "love you too babe" or something. I never go into the reasons for the breakup or any of that or talk about how much I've changed.

 

Since I have done this, she has told me while crying, "I can't believe how fast you're changing. I haven't even been able to begin working on myself and you're amazing" and "you won't have to wait long for me, I can't take being without you". I didn't do anything dramatic in response to either.

 

One thing that has helped is calling up old friends to go out more. Also my sister is trying to set me up with someone else. I haven't decided if I want to meet this new girl, I certainly don't plan on anything serious. But just the fact that I have friends and there might be another girl is encouragement to act more aloof toward my ex. It isn't a game, it's just building my own self esteem back so I can be a desirable person again. So far, it is definitely working.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks!! Your advice is what I'm listening to now. I tried the ultimatum, "I can't be friends with you so I am suggesting we go NC and if you want to talk about reconciling... give me a call" Yeah, that lasted 2 days before she called and when I said it again she lasted until later that evening before she called me... not to talk about reconciling, of course.

 

To Mark33's post, I don't think there are any specific texts that have worked for me. Especially since every convo is so different and breakups happen for so many reasons and people are at different stages in communication. I think the one thing I said that was perfect was that I told her I needed the break too. Since she broke with me and I wanted her back (and she knew this), I didn't have much power. By me saying that, I was saying that if you didn't break up with me I would have broken up with you sooner or later. So now she isn't so sure that I'll come running back when she says "ok". It showed her that post-breakup I haven't been crying in my room... I have been thinking and I have come to the conclusion that you leaving me was a GOOD thing! Oh my gosh! that was unexpected!! It also took some of her guilt away. I know she was sad to break up with me, but I want her to work on herself because she definitely needs to change some things. I don't want her back because she feels guilty or scared to lose me. I want her back because I know that once we can both resolve our individual problems with jealousy/immaturity, we are good together. So with one line I took away her guilt so she could focus on herself and I implied that I may be moving on therefore she had better get her head on straight and quick if she does want to be with me. I'm not about to be strung along.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crap, you know I'm a big fan of you and the nonchalant lifestyle.

 

But earlier on this thread I posted that I don't think flirting (and you thought that it WAS OK) with my ex is a good idea and here's why. He broke up with me - twice. He has dated a couple other women but I know he's currently single and he has been checking me out a lot lately.

 

And some longtime posters are now rolling their eyes and thinking, OMG is rapunzel still thinking that she has a chance with this guy? Why is she even posting about him at this point? After being dumped twice, she should be moving on to greener pastures. And they are correct. However, despite being nonchalant and being open to other men, I still haven't found anyone who floats my boat in a greener pasture. It gets more difficult with age.

 

Ok, back to my concern. If I flirt with him, it's just going to make him think "yup, she still wants me". And then he can go back to feeling smug, having an ego masasge, knowing he's still attractive, and it won't make ME more attractive.

 

So I'm friendly in an aloof non-flirting way, and nonchalant in a friendly business-associate way (since we do work as musicians together), but to outright FLIRT seems counterproductive and would make me seem somewhat pathetic. So I don't do it. Maybe this works with a male dumpee but I think with a female dumpee it's a bad idea. I dunno....your thoughts?

 

I'm thinking of responding to an email exchange we've had about a business issue in a light way but I'm fearful that it will be construed as "flirting" and I still am loathe to give him an ego boost. If anyone should be flirting, it should be HIM flirting with ME.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But flirting, when done nonchalantly, doesn't say that you want them; it says that you are confident enough to be playing with them. Flirting, to me, is playful teasing, not out and out compliments. In that regard, it is nonchalance to a tee.

 

I'll have to think on whether there's a difference between the genders, but right now I think it's the same accross the board. You are just showing that you can be confident and playful. Teasing has been attracting the opposite sex since kindergarten, after all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crap,

 

It's just so hard for me to get my dense head around this...

 

I feel like I'm abandoning her, when she needs me the most. She's having a hard time at school right now, and in her life in general. She has to find a job immediately after work.

 

I keep thinking that if I'm not there supporting her through this difficult time, some other chump (Idiot guy), will be. And she'll start having feelings for this guy that is "there" for her. Both physically (in person) and emotionally.

 

I'm not sure if I said this, but she's in Korea and I'm in San Diego, so that makes it EXTRA tough.

 

She already tried to reach out to me a few days ago and I was Super Nonchalant and kind of disregarded her attempt to talk with me.

 

I don't want to Abandon her.

 

I also don't want to pressure her and suffocate her, like I did before.

 

At this point, can't I go LC, versus NC?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But flirting, when done nonchalantly, doesn't say that you want them; it says that you are confident enough to be playing with them. Flirting, to me, is playful teasing, not out and out compliments. In that regard, it is nonchalance to a tee.

 

I'll have to think on whether there's a difference between the genders, but right now I think it's the same accross the board. You are just showing that you can be confident and playful. Teasing has been attracting the opposite sex since kindergarten, after all.

 

Having read many of Rapunzel's threads I am inclined to agree with her that for her situation flirting would not be a good idea. Her ex is pretty much a player and flirting would certainly boost his ego while she would get nothing positive in return. I think she is better off refraining from flirting with this guy since he has already shown that he is not one to be serious about a relationship with her, or with anyone for that matter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But flirting, when done nonchalantly, doesn't say that you want them; it says that you are confident enough to be playing with them. Flirting, to me, is playful teasing, not out and out compliments. In that regard, it is nonchalance to a tee.

 

I'll have to think on whether there's a difference between the genders, but right now I think it's the same accross the board. You are just showing that you can be confident and playful. Teasing has been attracting the opposite sex since kindergarten, after all.

 

OK, I see your point....sounds good in theory but might be a challenge to actually pull off in practice. If I really did not give a "crap" about this man, I'd be flirting as I would with any other person, male or female. But that's the goal - to behave with him exactly as I would with anyone else. And to *not care* about how my actions may or may not affect him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Having read many of Rapunzel's threads I am inclined to agree with her that for her situation flirting would not be a good idea. Her ex is pretty much a player and flirting would certainly boost his ego while she would get nothing positive in return. I think she is better off refraining from flirting with this guy since he has already shown that he is not one to be serious about a relationship with her, or with anyone for that matter.

 

When Muhammad Ali fought George Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle in 1974, he came out throwing right-hand leads, which completely threw his opponent, as he simply wasn't expecting or prepared for them. No one trains for them, as only an idiot would throw one as it leaves them wide open to a counter. Ali got way with it for exactly that reason: the other guy never dreamed someone would play that move on him. Ali went on to win the fight against all the odds after frustrating Foreman for eight rounds.

 

The point is, Rapunzel is afraid of throwing a flirtation because she thinks her ex will use it against her. But, really, if she wants to prove she is completely over (and above) him, flirtation is exactly what she should be doing. Hell, it's the only thing she hasn't done so far, so maybe that's the key.

 

Make the flirtation sarcasm in this case and I don't see how it could possibly fail.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, I see your point....sounds good in theory but might be a challenge to actually pull off in practice. If I really did not give a "crap" about this man, I'd be flirting as I would with any other person, male or female. But that's the goal - to behave with him exactly as I would with anyone else. And to *not care* about how my actions may or may not affect him.

 

Ha! I posted before I saw this. You explain it so much better than I!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, mate, but I think your motives are more selfish than caring. You're afraid of losing her.

 

She's asked for space, right? You must give it to her. Plus, you are FAR too concerned about the outcome of any communication; you should wait until she contacts you and then give an upbeat, positive, supportive response. Really. I'm certain about this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ick, my ex just turned up unexpected to give me a birthday present, get some mail, use the loo and has just whisked my son off to mcdonalds (even though we have just eaten a huge dinner).... last time I saw him was last Monday, and he stayed the night (we spoke on Wed and agreed to no contact for a while and he asked not to see my son either - yet here he is).

 

He woke me up just now and caught me off guard and I was just a bit cold and tired with him - need to practice my nonchalance for when he gets back in about half hour!!!

 

This is tricky!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ick, my ex just turned up unexpected to give me a birthday present, get some mail, use the loo and has just whisked my son off to mcdonalds (even though we have just eaten a huge dinner).... last time I saw him was last Monday, and he stayed the night (we spoke on Wed and agreed to no contact for a while and he asked not to see my son either - yet here he is).

 

He woke me up just now and caught me off guard and I was just a bit cold and tired with him - need to practice my nonchalance for when he gets back in about half hour!!!

 

This is tricky!!!

 

What's the (abbreviated) story here?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

together for 6 yrs

dumped me in july as got attention from a 'friend' and said he wasnt sure he loved me enough

texted in july saying he wanted me back but then was cold in person (still lived together)

i kicked him out in august and said i was moving on - he saw the girl romantically

he came to see me a week later saying she wasn't me and it all felt weird spoke for hours definite connection there but i was strong

sent him away and said he needed to sort himself out.

saw him last monday, same connection - spoke on wed he said he didn't know what he wanted as he thought he loved both of us but didn't know what love was anymore, apparently they not seeing each other but she is giving him cold shoulder as he still pays some bills and sees my son - jealousy? - and also she felt rejected cos he didn't want to move straight in with her.

went NC with plan to meet up on Sep 25th for a meal as a date (don't want to see him if he just wants to be friends or if he is still with her)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Without a doubt, nonchalance all the way for you. You have to have some contact because of your circumstances, but you must never be the one to contact him.

 

Honestly speaking, this should be all about you, getting yourself back, and getting yourself to a place that's good for you and your son. You're obviously pretty strong but your little weak moments just support your exes selfish (and wussy / unattractive) behaviour. You must NOT support what he's up to in any way. Stop letting him stay over! Kate, you are in the driving seat here, but you keep handing him the steering wheel. He obviously cares about you, but you're telling him (through your inconsistent 'rules') that it's fine for him to do whatever he wants.

 

If I were you, I'd cancel the dinner. Tell him you've been thinking a lot and you want to focus on yourself for a while. Then stop letting him walk all over you. From where I'm standing, he's having his cake and eating it too, and I'm pretty sure your friends must be telling you that you deserve far better than that. If he doesn't like you standing up for your dignity and self-respect, wave him good-bye. From what you've posted, he hardly seems like a keeper.

 

Start moving on and see what effect that has. Stick to it until you're certain you have a boyfriend who is committed to your relationship and no other. Upbeat at all times. Smile like you know something he doesn't know. And date others!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am dating others And he knows it!

He has only stayed once and it was as much instigated by me as anything else to be honest. Yup weak moment but followed by me saying 'well that shouldn't have happened but it was just what it was - nothing more' to which he replied it was more to him.

I want to go out to dinner with him. I did tell him that, even if we worked it out, there was no way that I would be rushing into a long term relationship again. Definitely don't want to do that with him or anyone. He is very clear that I would just be adding him onto the list of people I am dating. but he has recommended that I get a female lodger....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, allowing him to take you to dinner is saying that you will be available to him while he's still sharing his affection with someone else. You're encouraging the very thing you want to stop.

 

Having said that, after re-reading your post, I think he wants you but is afraid to lay everything on the table. I'm certain you can make things work, but you're setting yourself up for future heartache if you support the current situation. You must stand up for yourself. Perhaps, then, make this explicit after the meal (at which you will have conducted yourself immaculately ;-) )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crap,

 

Maybe you can share your thoughts on my situation?

 

I'm 29 she's 23. Together a little over 2yrs, engaged for 6mos. We had moved in with her parents about 2 months ago to save for our wedding and while she found a job we could more easily attack her student loans... it's at her parents that things got really bad. She has some esteem issues and her parents are very mentally abusive and hard on her (they would be on good behavior when I was around). So living there added a world of stress to both of us.

 

She ended it with me maybe a month ago. We have been having trust issues which finally reached a head and she said she needed time and space. I didn't beg, I just left and calmly said that I don't want this, love u, call me if you reconsider, etc. She said that she needed to be independent. Her esteem was in the toilet and being strong on her own is what she needs to get herself together again. We had been dating since she was 20 and I'm established so although she covered what she could, it wasn't much. Now that she has graduated she is trying to get work as a pilates instructor but it isn't panning out here in Chicago. So she's frustrated.

 

The crazy part is that she is moving out to Colorado this Friday (her bro is there already). She found some work there although I have serious doubts about her ability to support herself, especially with paying her loans.

 

Since the breakup she has said "Am I going to lose you if I go (to CO), because I'll stay here and suffer if I will", "I want a new life w u", "I just need to heal and then I want to be w u", "I can always move back", "Will you come to CO to be with me when I'm ok?" and all manner of things like this. She has put her engagement ring on several times and talks about what a fool she is, how messed up she is for doing this. (I think the esteem issues were coming through there).

 

We had planned on moving to Colorado (we both love the outdoors), just not immediately. So when she asked if I'd move there, I said "yes, of course, we were planning on that". I know that wasn't nonchalant, but I wasn't on that at the time and didn't know how else to respond. I would happily move out there if we could be together in a healthy relationship again.

 

Her parents don't want her to go but aren't stopping her. They want her to be with me. I know what she is doing is selfish. We did have issues, but I think the stress of moving back home killed things. I have offered to move us out on our own again instantly but she didn't go for that.

 

So far, I'm being nonchalant and supporting her move, congratulating her on her jobs, etc. I'm not helping her move out there or anything. I just don't know what if anything I should do differently when she is out there. I expect that soon I'll get some calls in the middle of the night from her crying because of loneliness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...