Nonchalance is Your Friend

[KateUK]

I think he is scrabbling around trying to think of ways to win me back, but doesn't have the necessary skills... We moved in together after knowing each other very briefly, and met online. I was his first long term relationship, the others had been with people he lived with in shared houses so he has never had to actually 'woo' a woman before. I, on the other hand, had been married so our 'social maturity' levels are a bit different. We shall see if he is up to the task, and can actually handle me.... he obviously removed the pic as soon as he put it up as he realised it was a bad idea. It may not even be her, he said she had red hair and this was a brunette but it's really none of my business at the end of the day.

 

I am really relieved he has started using facebook, as he has always been a bit of an 'island' and yesterday he was reaching out sending messages to lots of friends he hadn't spoken to in years. He relied on me a bit too much for all of his social needs.

 

He does do housework, but not in the nude. This is something that would DEFINITELY have to be worked on if he stands a chance with me ;-)

[SA2000]

What happens when Non chalance turns to true indifference by the dumpee?

[KateUK]

That's when you have moved on.... and can see things objectively. And the object of desire may not be who she was before.

[CrapAtNC]

What happens when Non chalance turns to true indifference by the dumpee?

 

This is usually when the ex comes running back. ;-)

[Live-N-Learn]

Vinnie, thanks for the input and yes I got the point loud and clear

 

I will check out that book rapunzel thanks

[rapunzel]

This is usually when the ex comes running back. ;-)

 

Ha ha. Yes, but this *rarely* happens when the dumpee has any remaining vestige of romantic interest. This is where this nonchalance thing gets very tricky. When the dumpee has reached true indifference he/she is not wondering if he/she is being nonchalant or not because he/she really truly does not care and does not even think about it.

 

And this is when the dumpee has no interest of reconciliation with the ex. Sad but true.

[restlessgirl]

i need a morsel of advice from anyone willing to read this.. =)

ok so it`s been exactly 2 months of no contact initiated by me.. we were together 3.5 yrs

except i broke it once on aug 28-aug 30

after i asked he seemed willing to tell me yet again what i had done to hurt him.. he still seemed rly bothered by it.. basically implying 'why are you surprised we broke up after you hurt me so bad again & again'

well of course it ended badly.. basically i said 'i`m a dumb*** because at the beginning of the relationship when you would make mistakes i always forgave you yet because i made mistakes that werent even that bad you had enough after only forgiving a few times'.

[ he admitted that he didn`t have as much patience because he has a stressful life.. or in my opinion didn`t love me as much as i loved him ? ]

so he said 'we`re arguing again i was better off not talking to you !'

& i replied 'i won`t say what i think of you because i`m sure you have an idea'

so no contact since then.. it was my 22nd on sept 8 & not even a txt but i didn`t expect one

 

SO a long time ago when we were together we had broken up before.. but just for 2 weeks i think ? he begged me back. but during that breakup i was new to breakup`s & didn`t have a clue so said bad things & even threatened him/his car/his house.. how embarrassing

so he begged me back after i basically was crazy

 

thus i`m wondering if i should apologize for us still not having a peaceful "relationship"

i was thinking oct 15 would be 3 months NC and nov 15 would be 4..

so i could do it one of those dates

just txt him something like 'it`s Peace Day & since you`re the only person where things are weird just thought i`d say sorry & that i now better understand your side of things & why you thought i intentionally hurt you when i wasn`t trying to'

 

should i wait to txt this or should i do it now ?

it was actually Peace Day a few days ago i think but he won`t know =p

or will he think oh she`s still trying.. what a needy desperate loser lol

pls help

[rapunzel]

restlessgirl -

 

You should start your own thread, you will get more responses.

 

Based on what you wrote, I would accept it is over and move on. If you really feel you were "crazy" and out of line, and you have to apologize for your behavior, then own up to and do so but do not expect any response or any particular outcome. And do not try to blame him, just focus on your own behavior and take responsibility for YOUR actions.

 

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Try to learn what you can from this experience. Good luck.

[SA2000]

It is strange that it may be approaching this. Not that I have true indifference to the point where I dont care for her. But to the point where I dont care if we work things out or not. I feel like I have more important and exciting things to think about then my love life. That has always had a way of figuring itself out once I stopped trying or stopped being concerned with it.

[CrapAtNC]

Restlessgirl, it's just my opinion, but if it's been that long and you really think you can rise above arguing (how's your nonchalance?), then get back in touch. But I'm not sure bringing up the past is the best idea. I much prefer the idea of just texting "Happy Peace Day! and leaving it at that. That should get an interesting response. Don't tell him your reason for saying it--that's your little secret. Just say you refuse to answer any delicate questions on Peace Day and move on. If you're texting, use lots of smilies and "haha"s (not too many; just enough to keep everything upbeat). Your goal is to have nothing but a fun, upbeat convo and have nothing to do with anything bothersome or negative. Just brush it off and take the convo elsewhere. And keep it brief, cutting off the convo at a high point.

 

Can you do that?

[CrapAtNC]

It is strange that it may be approaching this. Not that I have true indifference to the point where I dont care for her. But to the point where I dont care if we work things out or not. I feel like I have more important and exciting things to think about then my love life. That has always had a way of figuring itself out once I stopped trying or stopped being concerned with it.

 

You're in a good place. Your world has just opened up considerably.

[RobD70]

Nice going Crap (nice thinking ahead with the username lol), not many people can maintain a thread for over 2 years like this. This should be a sticky.

 

 

I did want to point out a couple of this from this post that stuck out:

 

 

She texted me yesterday to CALL MEEE!! (which made me really happy)

 

I got the text late, so I couldn't speak to her when she "needed" me. It was night time for her and day time for me.

 

I texted her back the next day and told her I'd call her when she got home and night. I said, "Hi beautiful. I'll call you later when you're home. Have a great day"

 

I still want her to know how much I LOVE HER and think she is Gorgeous and sweet and caring and... I could go on and on...

You have to knock off the sweet names and being overly nice. She doesn't want to hear it and probably makes her uncomfortable and makes you look pathetic in her eyes.

 

 

Anyhow, she texted me back, "It didn't work..." Meaning the app program. And then she wrote, "I was a little drunk, so don't worry about it".

 

 

Don't worry about what? About us? About calling her back?

 

So she was drunk and wanted to talk to me. And I missed that opportunity.

Don't worry about what she meant. The only "opportunity" you missed was getting hurt again talking to her while she was drunk. I'm betting it wouldn't had ended well for you.

 

 

What kind of relationship is this? I can't even speak to the girl I love?

It's not a relationship and no you can't. It's not up to you.

 

 

Now I have to wait again???

 

I have a busy life but I want to include her in it...

 

I think I'm doing the right things, right? NC. Only calling or texting her back AFTER she reaches out to me.

 

I'm not initiating it. I'm reacting. But when I do, she's acting aloof or busy.

 

This is just so damn hard... Why can't I have my baby back, the way it was........

You are only thinking about yourself here and not what she wants. It makes you look controlling and overbearing. Your insecurity is showing and she can sense it.

 

As long as you are in this frame of mind then she will keep her distance. When you are nonchalant that takes the pressure off of her and makes you more approachable. You want her too badly for it to work so you may benefit from NC for a while until you get your head together and not be so emotional when dealing with her. You will be much more attractive to her when she feels like you are no longer all that interested in her anymore.

[Morning]

This book is about nonchalance per se but it is about how to have fun, healthy, loving relationships with people (of both sexes) without losing your dignity and sense of self-worth and it has some great chapters on how to deal with difficult people, people who are playing hard to get, people who break up with you, etc. It's called "Intimate Connections" by David Burns, M.D. I think you can still find it on Amazon. It came out many years ago but is still relevant and the way he describes scenarios and uses role playing I found it incredibly helpful and empowering.

I'm reading it right now, looks like a good helpful book.

[SA2000]

One thing that is really important about nonchalance is that it may get someone to contact you more often or may even get an ex to come back but you have to live it. I got my ex to come back by using nonchalance. After a week or so I went back to old getting mad about nothing SA2000. And a few months after, the ex was gone again. Now in every relationship going forward I will maintain my cool. If someone does something I don't like and feel is disrespectful, hey its cool. Ill just see ya around.

[J8415]

Here is a question for everyone..What happens if you are the person that got dumped and are handling it with grace but the dumper isnt? Every time we see eachother I hear her say "this is what I need to do" I just want to tell her "dear, you dont have to keep telling me, I got it the first time" Deep down, I want her back..not sure if thats going to happen..I did the NC for a week and it worked for alittle bit but now we are sorta texting eachother back because we both at somepoint want to be friends..she was the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..

[J-L-T]

Be nonchalant about it. "Yeah, I did. How's work?" If he pushes, just tell him it wasn't for any reason and quickly change the subject. Don't stress it. Accept it and move on.

 

Yeah, you're right. I just called him, it's no big deal. He didn't pick up for whatever reason. Then I left it at that. So now I'm leaving it to see if he contacts me. Thanks again!

[lostman5]

I guess we all need to think about just saying, as Bob Marley puts it, "Everything is going to be alright......" I love this thread Nonchalance. I too am guilty of trying to make everyone happy, hoping they will continue to like me.

[bungalo]

So riddle me this, Crap, is the reason for the breakup relevant to practicing nonchalance? In our case, no cheating or abuse..here are her reasons: "something's missing, I've got to find myself, I'm still grieving some things..I'm used to being alone (this after almost 6 years together!)...I'm sure if I pressed her, she'd come up with more.

[Live-N-Learn]

How Ironic, I guess when she posted on my wall last night "sweet dreams" she meant it in a nice way. She has been texting me all day. She wished me a good day and I replied back about 2 hours later since I was in a meeting for her to have a good day as well. She sent me some other random texts and I replied. She never mentioned anything about yesterday and acted as if everything was fine. Weird. I just don't get this girl. But it really doesn't matter if I do or not. Time to just work on me and getting back to being myself and stop thinking about her so much, or what she is thinking. I still care too much if we get back together and need to continue to let go and not care. Easier said than done.

 

I will continue to respond to her but not initiate. I will play it cool and see how she responds. I will not ask her to do anything together and wait for her to ask me to go out. I will keep you posted.

[SA2000]

LNL you are on the same thing I am on. NIC. It seems like its working its magic. I usually dont answer right away. I waited a day to respond to a text (I ALWAYS have my phone on me and respond to everything within seconds). She was as nice as I have seen her in years.

 

Bungalo I was in a similar situation. If you love something, let it go. I went NIC right away. She called after 5 days. Now every 5 or so days she calls like clockwork. I never call her but I respond. Let her feel what its like to not have you around for a while. When she comes around act happy but show her you arent going to get to close. Thats what I am doing. My ex shows signs of worry when I talk to her now. She asks me about FB and Twitter posts and what they mean and what I have been up to. I put a little thought of her losing me in her head. She doesnt seem to like that idea.

[Yostina]

This is great and impressive actually!

Was she the one who initiated the breakup? And was she the one to get in contact again?

Did she talk about getting back together?

[bungalo]

Bungalo I was in a similar situation. If you love something, let it go. I went NIC right away. She called after 5 days. Now every 5 or so days she calls like clockwork. I never call her but I respond. Let her feel what its like to not have you around for a while. When she comes around act happy but show her you arent going to get to close. Thats what I am doing. My ex shows signs of worry when I talk to her now. She asks me about FB and Twitter posts and what they mean and what I have been up to. I put a little thought of her losing me in her head. She doesnt seem to like that idea.

 

My ex is a stone-cold non-initiator. During every breakup...she's exactly the same. She also hates the computer..and only does email for work..barely touches FB, and wouldn't dream of Twitter. So when she walks..it's definitely the desert with no oasis. We also have no mutual friends! It will be three months since she dropped the bomb next week...and not once has she checked in with me. She will return phone calls/email...but I'm tired of being the initiator.

Wonder why I'm so hooked? SHE IS THE EFFING QUEEN OF NONCHALANCE!

[SA2000]

She broke up with me. Called me 6 days later crying and drunk. She called another 5 days later and said she wanted closure. I told her I wanted to work things out (too pushy). She said no.

 

She called another 5 days later and told me she missed everything about me. She asked me to hang out with her. We hung out and she acted like we were together. Holding my hand etc. The next day I asked her if she wanted to work things out (again too pushy) she said no. I told her not to call me anymore.

 

I texted her a "." 5 days later (only contact I have made up to this point). She called. I told her it must have been an accident. It wasnt, I was intoxicated but sent it on purpose to see if she would reply. It ended with her spending the night.

 

She texted another 5 days later. I responded the next day. She asked me if I wanted to see a movie with her this weekend. She was very flirty. I told her I would "let her know tomorrow". I was about to text her. She called me because she saw me. We will see eachother Friday. I will not be bringing up us working things out again.

[SA2000]

Bungalo - How often do you speak when you initiate contact? Whats the longest you have gone? My ex LOVES to talk so I fortunate.

[Yostina]

Oh boy she's weird. She keeps on contacting you and really seem to want you, but I can't understand why won't she work things out?

I really hope it goes well this Friday (fingers crossed), and make sure you play it right. Good luck to you man.