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Should I make contact?


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Please help me…It has been over four months since my ex-fiancé and I split up. It has been over four months since we've even spoken to one another. Just to give you a little background on our relationship before all this…we were inseparable, in fact we became so close that we both started giving into sexual temptation. Being that her father is a pastor and also being that her own relationship with God is such a priority in her life, this wasn't sitting well with her at all. I am a Christian, but I grew up in a Catholic family, whom never impressed upon me to develop a close relationship with God. This was trouble because our convictions on sex were of varying degrees and thus it made stopping virtually impossible. Sex was the killer of our relationship, but the thing is it involved both of us. She ended everything with me well…four months ago. But its hard letting go of something that consisted of no really bad times, everything we did or had was almost perfect love. Now back to my question…I recently went back to my old college town, just to visit. While I was there her name came up…a friend of mine told me that he had seen her a week earlier standing in line with her twin brother coming into a local bar, as he was leaving. He of course spoke to her because they also were friends. She had mentioned that we had not spoken for a while, and that it was really hard for her. She also mentioned that she knew I would be in this particular bar where she was going and that she didn't know what would happen when we saw each other. My friend told me that the way she spoke to him about our relationship, made it seem as if she regretted leaving. The thing about her is…bars convicted her and she never took it upon herself to go into one. But now she was subjecting herself to that atmosphere and to the fact that she assumes I am in this particular one. Would I be too hasty to assume that she was there because she wanted to see me? Her birthday is on the 10th of December and I have been wrestling with the thought of sending her a letter. Nothing too sappy, but just something to let her know I still care. Please Help!

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When somebody feels compelled to end a relationship for religious or family reasons, it doesn't mean she loves you any less. Religion and family are extremely powerful forces. I wouldn't push her (but obviously, you're not) but yes, definitely send the birthday wish, and make yourself available for her to come to you if she wants to talk about it. I think you might have to let her sort this out on her own terms, which means leaving the ball in her court while making certain she knows that you still want what you once had.

 

In other words, if she can accept what's happened physically between the 2 of you and she can decide on her own that it's ok, and that you can still build a life together, then all is good. It's very hard to defy one's religion when it's been programmed into your brain since birth, but it's also very hard to give up something perfect. Of course she wants to see you.

 

P.S. If it does work out, I would advise saving sex for after the marriage this time.

 

Good luck, man.

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It seems to me that she still is interested and that she felt guilty for having whatever sexual activity she ahd with you. As you were not stopping it from continuing or progressing, she ended the relationship to stop it. Now, you are both expressing continued interest and hardship in dealing with the separation. If you can find some ground on which to agree until you are married, it seems to me this ground is no sex and maybe more No No (i.e. no kissing or no kissing when not standing up, no being out later than ???), that neither of you has a reason for not getting back together. Thsi is simplification, but if you want to get back together, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Don't send her a present, don't send her flowers, send her the message that you want her and are willing to do what you need to do. I'd tell her that you can't change what has been done, but neither can she. I'd also say that none of this will be easy for you, because you will still want her, but if we work together, you will make it.

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