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How can I help my boyfriend who was abused by his parents?

Lady Muffin

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Hello everybody,


My boyfriend has told me that he was abused by his parents in the past as he was still young, about 14-16 years old. Now he is 19 years old and as far as I know his dad or his mum doesn't hit him any more.

I feel very sorry for him and I had to cry about it. I want to do something, would like to help him somehow but I have no idea what I shall do?

It happened in the past and now it is over for him. He doesn't show me any feelings about it. He doesn't cry, he doesn't get sad about it.

He talks about it as if it is totally normal, nothing important.

He says it made him stronger and he deserved it because he was too spoilt and he played tricks on other people. He thinks that he got more respect for his parents because of this.

I told him that no-one deserves it to be hit and to be abused, but he doesn't share this opinion. He doesnt believe it.

He said it hurted him and he had a lot of pain, but at the same time he says it was good for his personality. Now he has more discipline to others and he became mature by being abused by his parents.

He told me that if his future children won't show respect to him he would hit them, too, so that they respect him.

We love us very much and my boyfriend told me that he would like to marry me and get children with me.

I would love that, too, but I don't think it is right to hit his children.

I think that there are also other ways to raise up a child without abusing.

I would like to talk with him about this disagreement and i would like to show him that no child deserves it to be hit. But I don't know how I can do that.

I told him that he can tell me everything, no matter what. And also if i am just listening and I am there for him and hold him. But if he starts talking about this theme he does it only "by the way".

But this theme needs more attention than just a 5 minutes talk, or?


How I said, it was in the past as he was abused. I don't want to open old and hurtful memories and dont want to put him under pressure.

But still I feel like that it is necessary to talk about it, to help him.


Does there anyone has experiences with this?


I would appreciate every response.


Thank you for reading!


Muffin Lady

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I was hit seriously as a child and because of it im a pacifist, tell him you will not marry him or have children with him if he says he will hit them, show him your emotions on the subject. If he truly loves you he will try and sort him self out. Personally i do not find it upsetting that I was abused because I was a spoilt brat, but I didn't deserve it, I forgave my mum years ago it may b the same for him.

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Sometimes experiencing abuse, it can have a huge affect on someones outlook in life. I was abused at a young age... In a way, I agree with him on the part that it's makes you a stronger person. Reason being, is that you have a lot more to overcome at a young age. But if he doesn't realize that abuse is wrong. He may feel that it is the right way of living, he may even follow the same patterns of his parents... My father is abusive towards me, and his father was abusive towards him. My father doesn't think that anything he did was wrong. The only difference here, is that I know its wrong, and that nobody deserves to be abused! I got help to overcome this from a professional. You can't change his outlook on abuse...

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Before we were married my husband and I had a very similar conversation. When our son was born, we tried to do it the old fashioned way with spanking etc. This worked until he went to Kindergarten and then the spanking didn't work any more. The children just develop a tolerance to the punishment, that is part of the reason that your bf still thinks it is ok to hit. When the time comes stand up for the rights of the child. Oh and by the way, people can change and do change!!


Can I say another thing? The might makes right aspects of our American culture I hope will change in the future, we can only hope that our country will become stronger by being more liberal in the future. The only way that we can make changes in other people is by pointing out our differences of opinions, over and over when necessary. This is our right as Americans, Freedom of speech is only as powerful as our ability to think for ourselves is improved.


If we only listen to what our parents tell us, we will never make enough progress to see a change in others. If instead we stand by our words instead of our weapons, only then will we create an atmosphere where others will treat us with respect and listen to our own words, rather than following the agenda that our family and friends teach us to follow.

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First off I have a question. Are we talking bludy noses and black eyes here, or just a good couple of wacks for disaplin sake? Theres a diffrence between a good whoopan and abuse.


Now if he is planing on beating his children just to make them respect you, then that isn't a good thing. Now, if you're just upset that his view of disaplin involves a spanking from time to time, they you just need to chill.


You asked what you could do to help him. I don't think there is anything. He sounds like he's dealt with it, and that's that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went through the same thing he did but in a way,

I was beaten on many acounts and it hurt both phisically and emotionally,

You don't have to feel useless because there is a way you can help, and that is, just to listen that's all I wanted from my Bf and it made me feel alot betterYou said he has had proffecional help? I am assuming counceling,I went though it all. both my parents left me when I was born, My mother to this day is still an alchoholic and my father has nothing to do with me, I got over it, by myself counceling might work for some people but what helps the most is when someone you know you care about and cares about you it makes you feel alot better after talking to them, because you know they are listening to you, and they know who you are,where councelers at first don't even know you and never will know your innerself.


I think as well, that your bf might be keeping unwanted baggage, and needs to deal with it and learn to accept it.


Now the part about disciplining his children as he was well, when you do eventually sit him down and talk to him, try not to attack him because, throughout his emotional rollercoaster as a child he has gained triggers and as soon as he may feel attacked or like he is being repremanded that might set off his triggers and he will automatically put up his deffence and avoid or finalize the argument leaving you with no answers or solutions, I hope you are still following me and understand.

Just sit him down and ask maby how he felt when he was being hit and did he like it? chances are probably not, so why would his child like it?

remind him that there is a line between respect and fear and he needs to draw that line and know how to draw that line when the time comes. As far as getting him to listen to what you have to say and your views make him feel like he is the center of attention with nothing that can interfear.

This all is easier said then done, and it can take a long time, because It is hard rehashing old memories that hurt so be willing to be patient.


But maby he has let it all go and delt with it and if he has then you'll just have to except it.


My personall opinion though is if my bf or husband told me he would treat his child as he was treated meaning if he was badly abused I would posponde having children with him till was certain he changed his views on raising children if not then I wouldn't have children with him or even be with him.


Think about it...

would you want your children being hurt al the time? and even for the rest of there lives?

But it is entirely up to you, you'll figure it out.

Hope I was of some help to you

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