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Another guy and my wife


White Knight
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Ok, let me start by saying. I have never been the jealous type with other women but with my wife if has become different.

 

She is the type that can become friends with anyone and here lately, it seems that she is closer to one particular guy than she is with any of her female friends.

 

This guy is helping her with her music (she is writing songs) and they spend alot of time together. Thing is, i always know where she is and if she is around him or not. She talks to him on the phone alot and also talks to me about their conversations and what they did.

She even travels 2 hours to get him to help her with the music and all.

 

Kicker is, is that his wife doesnt even know he is helping my wife. My main thought here is that he has feelings for my wife and is tryin to get closer to her and make her lean towards him.

 

I've thought that maybe she is falling for him and i have even asked her to just come out and tell me but she swears on our kids that she only thinks of him as a friend.

 

Any suggestions on how i can be sure or how i can understand why she thinks being that close to another guy is normal?

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I forgot to add.

 

I have had one of her so called friends tell me, that she was cheating on me with this guy. Seems like everything just fit so perfect at that time as well. The late nights, the calls, the long trips.

 

Am I being blindsided here?

 

I dont think she is the type of person to keep hiding things like if she was cheating, especially since there are 3 kids involved.

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if i go on instinct, then my marriage will crumble very fast.

 

I want to believe her and trust that she means they are only friends. 3 kids in this marriage and i dont see her as someone that would hurt them because she is an awesome mother! I just dont know if a guy and girl can be so dang close like this

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Hey White Knight

 

 

I read your story, and I wanted you to know that I have been in the same situation. Not a fun place to be. Jealousy in it's own special way is a form of caring for someone. Otherwise you would not be jealous. When you take it to the extreme is when it can get very dangerous. And millions of people have lost their lives and loved ones over it. You know what you feel, and now the puzzle is coming together and all the pieces are fitting As hard as that may be to deal with, those are the facts. The question is what are you going to do with those facts ? And these are hard answers that only you will end up answering. People can put alot of different twists on this one. But I know from experience, trust, loyality, honor, and respect are all part of a loving relationship. In my opinion she is disrespecting the relationship and your feelings,for her own selfish needs.And as much as it may hurt, I think she is cheating on you and especially when her friend confided in you and gave you the heart breaking news. If you don't trust her now, you will not trust her later. Once the trust is gone the first time. Well trust is not something you win back in round two. I say get a good lawyer

and in the future find the right women. If she is a cheater, once a cheater...well you know the saying. Good Luck...your going to need it. And to answer your question, Is it Normal ? It would not be normal for me, nor would I put up with it after the first kind warning. She would be gone or I would be gone. And that is a fact.

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

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Okay, let me give you a woman's perspective now. My oldest, best friend of 12 years is male, and, almost from the time we met, we were inseparable. AS FRIENDS. We never slept with each other, never fooled around together, we barely HUGGED, for God's sake! But we had a closeness that was unmatched by anyone else in our lives, and I'd be hard-pressed to tell you why that was so, it just WAS. It became the running joke amongst our friends that, when you saw one of us, the other one wasn't far behind.

 

When he met his girlfriend/now wife, he had a heck of a time convincing her that there was nothing going on with us, and she immensely disliked me/distrusted me regardless, since I MUST have been sleeping with him, because surely no guy and no girl can be THAT close and just be friends!

 

Well, years went by and now we're all great friends. She FINALLY understood that we just had a very special bond, and she's not threatened by me, nor is my fiance threatened by him. We go see them frequently, and have a great time. Sometimes just he and I will take off for a few hours and go window shopping or just for a drive so we can catch up on things-and everyone's fine with that.

 

Why is it that men automatically assume that a man and a woman MUST be sleeping together if they spend a large amount of time together? You're not giving your wife or her friend ANY credit for common sense or, the even bigger issue, trust. She's doing all she can to let you know that they're just friends, i.e. telling you when she's going to see him, not hiding phone calls from/to him, and even telling you what the conversations are about! She can't be much more open than that.

 

If you're THIS bothered by it, have her invite him over to the house for drinks or dinner or whatever, so you can get to know him a little better, and maybe won't feel quite so threatened by him. He's just a man she's friends with, who happens to share her interests, and from what you've posted, I don't see anything to be suspicious about. I understand the jealousy-NO one wants their partner to spend so much time with another man/woman while they're left at home, but give your wife a LITTLE credit here. She married you because she loves you, and her children. Have you had any problems lately that you think might have pushed her away? Has she been any less loving towards you or her children? Since there was no mention of it, I'm assuming not.

 

Relax. Have a little faith in those vows you took, and trust in your wife. In all these responses, everyone's ready to instantly cast her as some sort of cheating hussy, when she just has a close friend who happens to be male! This certainly wouldn't be an issue if she was spending the same amount of time with another woman, now, would it? You have to give her a little credit for loving you and marrying you and being with you because YOU are who she wants, no one else. As I said, invite the guy over so you can get to know him more, and see what you think of him. But don't just automatically assume that she's up to no good with him, that's not fair to her, him OR you.

 

As for that friend who said she cheated on you with him? I heard a saying that is SO true: 'Believe 1/2 of what you see and NONE of what you hear.' Unless you have direct evidence of cheating, the only thing you'll do by even CONSIDERING that statement is drive yourself insane and drive a wedge in between you and your family over something unsubstantiated. Let that one go completely.

 

Good luck to you, I sincerely hope you can think about this rationally and see it's not as big of a threat as you may be thinking it is!

 

Mar

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I'm going to have to agree with Mar here. My best bud is a guy, and I've always had more guys as friends than girls. Cheating has never entered the picture.

 

My ex (we're separated), couldn't buy this either. Part of what led to our separation was him desperately trying to catch me cheating, including going through my cell phone, and my computer, and finding... guess what? Nothing. We're the best of friends, I love him dearly, and that's about it. He was actually the one who talked me into doing my best to save my marriage, and I was accused of cheating with him. And that hurt. It's really discouraging to be open about a friend and have what you're trying to get accross ignored. (Side note: he had cheated on me, and I think part of it was also trying to get some justification for his actions, and thinking since he had, I'd do the same after out of revenge. Not so.) The fact that I couldn't trust him not to go through my personal things even after years of him seeing there was no reason to distrust what I was saying was a large part of what finally led up to this point.

 

She's not trying to hide where she's going, or who with. As a matter of fact, the only thing I wonder at all about are this guy's feelings since he hasn't been open with his wife - but there's no reason at all to think even if he is interested in her as more than a friend, that she's returning his regard in any way. If she hasn't changed towards you and your family, it doesn't seem she's hiding ANYTHING. And he may well worry about what his wife's reaction could be - or just not have thought to mention it, not everyone is as open with their spouses as your wife has been with you.

 

I also agree that maybe you should meet this guy for yourself, ask her to have him over sometime. And if he comes over, be open minded about him, and see what you think of him personally. Shared interests can make for strong friendships, and they may have no idea how easily people can jump to conclusions.

 

I also agree on the "hearing from her friend" part - it sounds like this girl is speculating, not telling you something she knows. Consider the source, is this girl a gossip? Someone who's jumped to conclusions before? Maybe a flirty girl who's never had a guy as just a friend? She may even think she's right and doing you a favor - but it doesn't mean she is.

 

To give you an idea of how accurate gossip can be - when I separated from my husband, it wasn't originally planned as a separation, my dad broke his hip, and we also discovered he had early onset Alzheimers. So I moved up here to take care of him and get the household in order. This is the reality section of our program

 

Except for one friend out of about 10... the gossip in my hometown is I left my husband for this other guy (who just incidentally lives on the other side of the country) and the debt my husband and I accumulated was because I was spending it on him! HA HA HA. The most I've spent was I sent him and his roommates some homebaked bread and cookies a few times - and even then I just made extra when I was making them for my family! And these are what I THOUGHT were normal, levelheaded people! So I trust what other people say about a situation VERY little.

 

Take a little step back and consider how she's been acting, and if she's still the same loving person she has always been - give her the benefit of the doubt here. She's being extremely open with you about everything, and that's not at all typical in someone who's cheating.

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Hey dude

 

After reading Mar and Morrigan's great stuff. I would suggest considering their advice. They would know better they have both done it and they are women. My opinion comes from things that have happened to me and from a Man's point of view. It is refreshing to know that a women can has a special bond with man and not have to sleep with them. I think that is super. And I also like what Morrigan said about the gossip. I thought the friend of your wife had some facts not just gossip. I have never seen gossip to be good or even close to being true. I put little creedance in gossip.

 

Good Luck with your situation, I hope it works

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thanks to all of you for the advice. It really puts a new perspective on things now. I've told her how i felt and that it does look really bad to me but she is the type to do things that she wants rather than worry about my feelings. In a way, i can understand that and the fact that they are so close. However, as someone said in the replies. If this were all innocent on the guys part, then he would come out and tell his wife.

 

I know guys and i know how we act/feel. I really believe he has something for her but she says he hasnt voiced anything to her.

 

Hell I am 31 yrs old and in damn decent shape. He is about 37/38 and honestly, kinda plain/ugly. I know thats mean but its the truth. I so hope that nothing more is going on.

 

To be honest, this is something that i feel like is driving me insane at times.

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Either there's something in his head - or him and his wife may have had issues/have issues already with being open, trust, or jealousy. Which it is, it's really hard to say, since you don't know him, much less his wife. Fortunately, his relationship with his wife isn't your problem, though eeeeeh, it gets sticky here, do you think your wife would accept you mentioning that it might be better for his sake (and the state of his marriage) if his wife knew they were friends instead of finding out for herself, or would she take it as interference from you?

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I have to agree with Morrigan.....your wife's being honest with you and with him, but he's hiding things from HIS wife, which can't be healthy. But, as she said, that's not your problem, that's between him and his wife.

 

I would most likely suggest what the Morrigan said and gently point out to your wife that there's something hinky with a guy who can't 'fess up to his wife about an innocent friendship. Of course, another thought is that he hasn't told her because she has strong jealousy issues, in which case, hearing about this friendship with your wife could cause him some rather large problems.

 

I don't know.......I wouldn't worry too much about this guy's issues with his wife, that's not for you to figure out. In everything you've said, I have the sense you love your wife and don't want to lose what you have with her......and you WON'T, as long as you give her a little freedom, which you have. I know the feeling of HAVING to trust someone, I'm going through something similar myself right now, and it's like a shoe that doesn't quite fit. But if you love her, you trust that she's standing by you, and that her relationship with this man is exactly what it appears: a FRIENDSHIP.

 

 

Mar

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Mar and Morrigan

 

I love my wife and my family very much. Without them, I have nothing.

I've lost so many loved ones in my life and I never was the compassionate type. Now that i do show compassion and caring towards someone, its like i am placed on the back burner in their life.

Maybe i am letting her know i care too much.

 

See right now for instance. She is sitting there on the couch reading a book and here i am. Wait wait wait. I'm not sitting here out of my 1st choice. Just had to have something to do, since she didnt seem to want to have anyone around her. I just feel left out.

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Then TELL HER THAT. Let her know that you're thinking of her. Tell her when she looks pretty. Engage her in conversation. Laugh with her, make her smile, do something silly just to amuse her. There's nothing that says you can't have a strong, solid, loving relationship with your wife unless you both work at it, and you're on the computer complaining about what's going on instead of doing that!

 

I know relationships hit that "plateau"; mine's at the same point. But you love her, right? And she loves you? So create the sparks. Sweep her off her feet, LITERALLY. Carry her up to your bedroom and kiss her and let her know she's loved. Do something spontaneous-get her flowers, a card to let her know you're thinking of her, whatever.

 

I'll tell you one thing. This thing with Ann? It would be no better than what you now have with your wife, if the situation were different. The only thing that makes it appealing now is that you DON'T have her living with you daily and haven't fallen into that daily grind like you have with your wife. But I have no doubt you love your wife, so DO something about it.....she loves you too!

 

Mar

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