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My Two Cents Worth...


blondefox
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One red flag with guys anyway...Look out if they have cats and no dogs. Even their animals have to take little care or responsibility.

 

My first husband was possessive, jealous and abusive. And hated cats. Naturally not wanting to repeat the pattern and find another guy like him, I went to the opposite extreme.

 

My current H and I dated for 9 YEARS! I finally had to ask him to marry me. We have been married for 16 months and I have been having an affair with another commitment phobe for the last year! Go figure. Problem is I didn't know that's what he was...until today. It all fits so perfectly...He has vaporized my heart. There is nothing left of it. I am to the point that I am leaving my H and moving to another state just so the OM cannot blindside me again. And he doesn't even live here!!!

 

He is someone who works for the same company I do, who comes here to do upgrades on servers. Who came here two months ago and didn't tell me (didn't want to cause me any more pain, HA!), and of course I found out anyway. In some little twisted way, he thought he was keeping my marriage from breaking up.

 

The most painful thing about all of this was figuring out why my H has treated me so badly all these years. You can bet your bippy he's begging me not to leave now...but it's way too little, way too late.

 

So it was double pain. But the one good thing I got out of it thanks to the OM is that I am worth something, I am lovable, I am pretty, I am smart.

 

The only way I'd be able to have no contact with OM would be to quit my job. I figure if I have to go through all of that, I might as well move to Miami which is some place I love to visit. So I am turning this into a positive experience. I love the OM like crazy, but I refuse to go through all of this with someone else. I haven't wasted 10 years of my life. It has been a very long learning experience. ](*,)

 

But I do know that even with the devastation I have suffered in the last couple of months, I have never been happier. And I know now that I don't need a man in my life to be happy with myself. So I think in the end, this has all been worth it.

 

I don't want the OM around 24/7, I'd be happy talking to him online and seeing him once in a while. But right now the only person I'm committing to is myself. I am making myself more important for once in my life.

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Okay, I'm a little lost here...if you're already cheating on your husband of 16 months, and started it 6 months into marrying him, why did you even bother getting married? Obviously commitment isn't a very big issue to YOU, either, if you can so freely disregard your husband's feelings in favor of this other man. What exactly is your question here.....?

 

Mar

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There's no reason to be "lost".

 

What I'm trying to say is you can spend years proving yourself worthy to someone, and find out in the end it wasn't worth it. My H is a functioning alcoholic. I was always way down on his list of priorities. Family, friends and beer were always more important. But he totally fits being a commitment phobe because he always "said" the right thing, but his "actions" were totally the opposite. And I loved him and I believed him.

 

I still love him. I have also been very hurt by him over the years. And unfortunately when you're in a long term relationship it's normal to think that you are with the right one and marry that person.

 

But that has nothing to do with my post. We are legally separated. He wants to work things out and I don't. Ask why...Because I did not become important to him until I met someone else. And because nothing much has changed. He's still drinking. He still doesn't come home at night, etc.

 

I thought I could accept it. I was wrong. I cannot change him I can only change myself. I was not happy with him. I am happy without him.

 

I don't excuse my affair. I am not sorry for it. I regret nothing but the pain I caused my H.

 

A good friend of mine was recently diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. She is the same age I am. Almost 44. When I heard about her, the first thing that went through my mind is I was glad I had the OM in my life. I would not change a thing except understanding early on what he was doing. I would not have been so devastated in the long run.

 

Like I said, you need to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else....

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Okay, NOW your post makes a little more sense. I'm sorry to hear of the difficulties you had with your husband, and that you're now separated. But I can also understand why, having had enough alcoholics in my life to know what havoc they can wreak. And yes, you're right too in that the "condemned" often beg forgiveness only after they realize what they've lost, yet do nothing to change the behavior that caused that loss!

 

As far as the affair with the other man goes......I guess that all I can say is, if he makes you happy, then you're where you should be. I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy and loves and appreciates you for who you are, EVERYONE should have that. (As long as he's not married....he's not, right?) It's just sad that we have to go through so many wrongs to realize what's right for us...but I'm glad you're at that point!

 

 

Mar

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Thanks Mar.

 

No, he's not married or attached. Just your normal commitment phobe. But you know, I'm ok with that now. I'm really not looking for a relationship with anyone. I just needed someone to make me understand that there was nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved, be loved, be appreciated, etc. All of those things.

 

And I do love him enough to let him go. Moving clear accross the country for pete's sake!

 

I've already told him...everything will turn out the way it's supposed to...

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