boyfriend went awal, has he dumped me?

[beweldered]

We were dating steadily and exclusively for 4 months. After about 2 months my b/fr lost his long term contract with a company, and that apparently had a bad effect on him, as he was trying to find a replacement, there was a possiblity of moving to another city, country, or long term no employment, in other words very unsettling situation. My b/fr became more and more tuned out and felt like our new and very promising relationship started to fall apart, as I felt neglected, unloved, etc. Anyhow about 2 month he suddenly pulled away and sent me this email, which upset me very much, but then I though he was just asking for some space and time. I haven't heard from him since and about a week ago, he put his ad on a dating site. Could someone pls explain to me what happened?? Why did he say he would be in touch, but did not? here is the message:

~~~~~~~~~~~

In the last couple of days I've been thinking of sorting out my life. Being underemployed is playing havoc with my sensibilities. I need to take a few weeks leave from my current routins and associations (in isolation) I need to figure where my head is on the whole range of topics, work, retiremes, personal relationships (needs vs wants) and where I'm at it respectively. Wish me luck. I don't think I'm doing a great job at it now and until I do, it's not fair to you.

See you when I return to this moral grounds. I will email you upon my metaphorical return.

[Genesis]

He is breaking up with you until he gets himself together. Until then move on date others, if he puts his add up on a web site he is trying to date others as well. This is a kind way to let you know that he no longer wants to date you right now. I think it has more to do with being stressed now with his job. He does not want to lead you on if he has to move somewhere.

[Mar]

Hmm.....I always have my doubts as to the whole "I need space to clear my head" thing, IF there's no clear reason for it. In this instance, your guy has had a lot of negative pressures put on him and most likely feels like he's not doing you justice as "The Man." Guys (and they might disagree with me here, but my guy was unemployed for much of our 2.5 years thus far and told me this, along with other guy friends) feel very definitely unmasculine if they aren't working or have no direction AND no job, or no clear goals/opportunities/etc. I think it's still somewhat ingrained in their brains that they are truly the provider in some sense, and a lack of employment does a hell of a job on a man's self-confidence and self-esteem in all aspects of his life, most importantly when it comes to the woman in his life.

 

All you can really do at this point is support him in whatever way you can, if that's what you choose to do. Granted, the way he chose to break it off with you was somewhat shoddy and cowardly, but I'm guessing that shame enters into it somewhat, i.e. that whole "man" thing. If there aren't any "ex-conflicts" or anything else relationship-wise that could be causing the problems he's having, then just let him know that you're there for him in whatever way he needs and that you understand the difficulties he's having. You truly can't do much more than that. He's made the decision that this is the time he needs to do whatever it is to clear his head, and you can't force him back any sooner. Just DON'T pressure him! Let him know that he can have the time he needs to get his life sorted out. It's truly all you can do.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Just be patient-if he loves you and truly is trying to get his life in order in part to please you, then he loves you as you love him, and WILL come back to you when he has a handle on things!

 

Mar

[beweldered]

Thank you both for the encouragement and insight. It really helped. The worst part for me was to keep thinking that it was not about me.

Anyhow, there has been a development since last night. So I have more questions now. I sent him a message just asking when I would hear from him. So he replied that he'd been rather depressed mainly over the work situation and had booked and then cancelled a 3 mo trip overseas, and that he would like to be my friend but not beyond that as he is damaged goods and I deserve better. He also offered that we could see each other from time to time for cultural and nature outings, without sleepovers as he does not want me to think that his interest is just sexual.

What do you think? I really don't want to lose him, but does it have any potential or will I break my heart further? Please help