What have I gotten myself into?!

[nickster]

About four months ago I decided to get together with a good friend of mine... who is also a co-worker... who at the time was engaged to be married. He is now married and has been for almost three months. At first when we hooked up we were fully able to satisy each other, emotionally and sexually, because we realized what exactly was going on. I guess in the back of my mind, I knew that he was in an unfulfilled relationship and I filled in the gap in his marriage. Now that a few months have past, I've become a little bit bored. I still enjoy his company, as well as his wonderful friendship, but the sizzle is fading between us, at least it is for me. I think he's sensing it because he's been sounding somewhat desperate as of late. I don't return his calls too much anymore and when I do I tend to keep it brief. I've been pretending that nothing has changed but no one is the fool here. I'd like to end the relationship with him but haven't yet found the right way to do it.

 

But it doesn't end there.

 

In the past two months, I've been under the mentorship of one of the senior managers in the office. We've become close.. through e-mails, phone calls, coffees, and meetings in the office. Since about one month now, we've discovered a mutual attraction to each other. He is extremely successful in many ways and I find myself very drawn to him. I was somewhat shocked, as well as flattered, that he too, found me equally as interesting. Oh, and by the way... he's also married. (Although I was under the suspicion that his marriage may be on the rocks, to say the least.) In the span of ten days, when I was working out of town, we confessed our attraction to each other and very much so looked forward to when I was coming back into town. I've now been back in town for four days and we've since hooked up intimately. Only tonight he did confirm with me that him and his wife are in the process of separating, but he did have feelings for me on a deeper level. I'm not too sure as of yet if I actually understand what his feelings for me really are.

 

I guess if I had to add it all up I replaced the first affair with the second one, yet somehow I manage to justify in my own head that the second guy is the "safer" bet since he is currently on the outs with his wife. However, on the flipside of the coin, he is one of my senior managers and I am skating on very thin ice as far as my position with the company. I am no idiot in realizing that I am so dangerously dipping my pen in company in (again and again.) I am neither completely hideous nor desperate, so why is it I choose relationships bound for doom? Perhaps the thrill of something else waiting for me behind the door, or I just have some deep-rooted relationship issues. To be perfectly honest, if I were any woman, I wouldn't leave my husband alone with me.

 

For obvious reasons, no one in my life knows what is going on. However, I am seeking comments to my post for my own personal reasons. I'm not really looking for any advice, per say, but mainly just seeing if anyone has anything to say about me and my situation.

 

nickster

[The Morrigan]

Forgive me, but I have to ask, are you happy at yout job?

 

Reason I'm asking is... you may not tell anyone, but generally, people WILL end up figuring something out when there's something going on between co-workers. And in this case, you have two guys who I'm going to take the leap and assume they don't know about each other, and would be less than thrilled to find out. And since both of them are married, guess who would come out covered in mud? Yep, you. This has to be one of the more volatile situations I've seen.

 

I'm leaving the "married" issue aside for the moment, but have you considered what's going to happen if the first guy you've been involved with and have yet to break off with gets MORE desperate and finds out you're seeing your manager? People who are desperate don't have the best judgement. I'm sure you've already considered you should break off with him formally, but you need to do it NOW. It isn't kind in any way to leave him wondering what's going on.

 

Ok, now to the married issue... You already know getting involved with someone already in a committed relationship isn't exactly the recommended thing to do. And don't make excuses for them! Any guy (or girl) who wants to cheat is NOT going to tell you they're in a relatively happy relationship and just want to spice things up. Yes, some may be in genuinely bad relationships, but... The first guy you were involved with was involved with you BEFORE he got married, and went through with getting married. Now, obviously, this isn't smart if he knew something was lacking with the girl he was engaged to. That leads me to think he wanted his cake too, so to speak, and may have gotten more emotionally involved than he intended.

 

Now you're with the manager/mentor who is also married. How do you think HE is going to react if the first guy (who you say is getting desperate) says something at work to someone and he hears you're still involved that way, or worse, this guy finds out you're involved with someone else, and tells your mentor directly you're still involved with him? No matter how it comes out, if it does, these guys can do the math and figure out they both thought they were your "only" guy at the same time. And this just does NOT look good at all. You're going to get yourself a reputation, and not only give yourself something to overcome personally, but professionally as well. This surely isn't something you want, or something you ever intended to come out of this.

 

You seem to be a nice person overall, and you're concerned enough, and aware enough, of some of the issues involved, to sit and write them down, and bring them out anonymously to get input. So I'm not trying to be judgemental at all when I say I think you're right to be concerned, you're getting on a fast track to some serious problems. I would consider going to counseling for yourself, and see if you can figure out both why you tend to get involved with people who are already committed to someone else, and why you're getting into these kind of high-risk situations. There's not much question about this being risk-taking behavior, though it might not be a commonly seen form of it, and I'd try to find out why you're getting into these situations before you come to grief.

 

You already know you need to break off with the first guy - putting it off trying to find the "right" way isn't going to do anything but prolong the situation, even not ending it perfectly is better than letting this drag on. Take a deep breath and do it as best you can.

 

I'd also give serious consideration to breaking off with your mentor while you work on your own questions for a while. You're not going to make it easier on yourself working through your own issues while you're involved with someone, especially in a situation that's bound to be stressful. Us humans are animals too, and the more stressed we are, the more we tend to act habitually and reflexively, rather than think clearly. I'd at least tell him you need a break to work on yourself, and suggest he do the same - if he's going through a separation he's not in any mental or emotional state to form a good relationship himself.

 

Best of luck to you, it DOES show a good bit of courage to tell people something like this that you anticipate being received negatively, use that to see about figuring out what you really want for yourself, and work on yourself only for a while, without worrying about being in a relationship.

[sphinx999]

Wait until this guy is completely separated from his wife and is certain his feeling for you are true. Personally I think you should end it with the first guy because hes not doing you any good. Also you should seriously consider your position in the company and if you are not satisfied maybe you should move jobs which would help you get along with the second guy mentioned.

hope this helps,

sphinx xxx

[avman]

Well, dating coworkers are fraught with all kinds of complications. Dating supervisors makes it even worse. Dating MARRIED coworkers and supervisors is pretty much the kiss of death for your career.

 

If you value your job at all, you've got to stop dating the married men. Its a disaster waiting to happen and the one who will end up paying the price is you. If you care at all about these men, please for their sake let them be. If they do end up leaving their spouse well then its up to you whether you want to move forward. But realize that they've gone behind everyone's back to be with you, there's every reason to suspect they will do the same thing to you later on.

 

I agree with Morrigan, you seem like a nice person. Love yourself enough to set your standards higher. Tell the married guys to get lost, you're too good for that. Find a relationship with somebody who can be really committed to you, instead of just giving you the leftovers.

 

avman

[kuhl282000]

"WOW" Things that make you go WOW, well this would have to be one of them. I would have to agree with Morrigan she had some great insight that may help you get of this mess if your that lucky. I come from the Entertainment industry, and once I dated a very high profile office manager. Before I started dating her she made my job easy and fun. I was respected in the office by all the other women. We were both single at the time.We were having a great time together until her old boyfriend decided to drop back into the picture. She leaked it out one evening to me, I guess she was feeling alittle guilty.She had been lying and sneaking around with him, and telling me she was somewhere else. I was not a very happy camper needless to say.The puzzle came together and this innocent fun little casual relationship I was having so much fun with. Took a nose dive and headed south in a hurry. Why? Because I wanted to be number #1 and not number #2. I was not willing to compete for anyones love interest against another person. I felt betrayed, stunned and hurt. I refused to be involved in a triangle with anyone, anytime, anyplace. So I broke things off.Yours is a nightmare just waiting to happen. And by the way, even though I did not have anything to do with bringing in the third party. My Old life at the office stopped on a Dime. And my job took on a whole new meaning,it was called Hell.. especially with the rest of the girls in the office. Yours would be coming from the girls and the guys. Through yourself a lifesaver and jump ship as fast as you can. I wish you the best.

 

Kuhl

[nickster]

Well, after one night of pondering and now reading what has been posted for me I have come to many realizations. Yes... guy #1 needs to be fully out of the picture. He is a good friend and I would like to salvage my friendship with him. I know it's not even close to normal what I've been getting myself involved in, which is the reason why I was interested in hearing an outside perspective. Guy #1 does want the best of both worlds, and at the time it seemed like a good idea because it was easy for me, but it is becoming cumbersome now because it does appear he is investing more feelings than maybe he did anticipate. I, on the other hand, knew what was up and have come to terms that it's time to put an end to the relationship. I do need to be frank with him. I actually have brought it up in the recent past with him that I was looking for something a little bit more meaningful and it appeared that he understood but also it looked as though he wasn't too keen on giving me up as his part-time bed buddy. This guy is as easy to read as an open book and I know that he's already somewhat upset because I feel he anticipates what I might have to say to him in the upcoming future. Either way... all of you folks are right! It's time to put an immediate end to this madness.

 

As for guy #2, I've decided to take a large step back from this situation. Largely because he is coming out of a very delicate situation with his separation to his wife. I know that he may be saying or doing things out of his own desperation and emotion and not really because he does care or have honest feelings. Not to negate what has already been laid out on the table with us, but the timing is all bad. I'm just glad that I am going away Monday morning for ten long days out of town on a work trip. It will give me some time to refocus on what is the problem/solution here.

 

To be perfectly honest with all those that have replied to me, my career is so important to me. I have just made some bad decisions for myself and involved myself in some dangerous situations. I appreciate all of you for not simply slamming me hard against the wall for what I've done. You've actually been pretty objective in your replies, which is surprising for me. I do care about my personal and work life and I just need to get back on track. Perhaps I was just getting a bit cocky about my situation because I never really thought that anything would ever leak out to the office. None of us at my workplace really work that closely together so there was no fear on my part that people would find out anything. However, I'm still not willing to take that chance.

 

I truly value what all of you have posted. I look forward to any other insight you may have for me.

 

nickster