My marriage is in trouble and I need advice

[marriageintroubleneedhelp]

I have been married to a man whom I love more than anyone I have ever loved in my life for the past 7 months. Our marriage has always been rocky and that is because we don't understand each other. We have some cultural differences and he doesn't understand my life and I don't understand why he is the way he is.

 

We don't agree on parenting and I have three children.

 

He likes to stay up till 3-4AM everynight and I go to bed aroudn 1AM, and he sleeps till 2PM in the afternoon on weekends. I have told him over and over again that I would like him to go to bed with me at night and he just says "I am not going to bed when you tell me to, I will go to bed when I want too." He works and goes to school out of town and is only home on the weekends and I don't see why he can't sleep with his wife when he is home. I feel so empty and unloved. I deal with him being gone and look forward to him coming home, but I don't feel it is recipricated.

 

He is not from America, in fact he is from London and lived a whole different kind of life I did.

 

I am at my end now and feel like I want a divorce because I just can't keep doing this. It is Thanksgiving tomorrow and he isn't spending it with me because we got in a fight over parenting issues with my daughter. I feel like I just want to end it because we always will get into these long fights because we are just so different.

 

I love him very much and jus tdon't know what to do. I think we need marriage counseling but he thinks counseling is "so american" and isn't open to it. He doesn't think people need counseling. I personally think he doesn't want to hear what other people say.

 

The icing on the cake is his family and friends don't even know he got married. I know he loves me, but I don't think he understands me and I dont' think there is any way I can get him too understand me. Please any advice would help me. I am lost.

[dfcannon]

There are plenty of counselors in London. I lived in England, and yes, Brits are less "new age" about health, mental or physical, but he's giving you a line when he says it's "so American." He seems to have a high opinion of his worldliness, and seems to think it's naive to have much feeling or communication in a marriage. One of the problems here is that he seems to have a general contempt for you, which is quite odd considering that he commited to you in marriage. Brits are known for their senses of humor, and they do in fact sleep together, so I'm told, so I'll have to conclude that he's a bit of a cold fish who doesn't know what he wants out of life. not very worldly.

 

It's a shame you are stuck in such a difficult marriage, but if he's not willing to resolve his marital problems the "American way," you should consider showing him the "highway" instead.

 

That's my opinion, anyway.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

I have a lot to say here, not gonna be pretty.

 

Our marriage has always been rocky and that is because we don't understand each other

he doesn't understand my life and I don't understand why he is the way he is.

 

Did you actually date before getting married? you didnt understand each other before getting married, so what make you think things would change? this isnt about understanding, its about being different, and what you cannot understand is that YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE !!!!

 

What he cannot understand is how now your complaining for the way he has always been, In your case love truly is blind. He is who you first met. he hasnt changed, although you have this expectation that he is going to morph into a copy of you. he is his own person so are you. you either accept him the way he is or you dont, thats what dating is for, to see if the other person is compatible with your life style, You did date didnt you?

 

We don't agree on parenting and I have three children

 

Didnt you care to even ask him his view points on this while you were dating?

 

He likes to stay up till 3-4AM everynight and I go to bed aroudn 1AM, and he sleeps till 2PM in the afternoon on weekends. I have told him over and over again that I would like him to go to bed with me at night

 

Read that quote a few times, see if you can see what your problem is here. let me put it another way, what if he liked going to bed at 10pm? and wanted you to go to bed at 10pm instead of 1am.? you see this is about control and forcing people to change. again Ill say it, YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE, you only have control over yourself, thats it, you can accept him for the way he is, or not, thats what you have control over.

 

So like his Mommy, you treat him like a child, and "tell him over and over" to go to bed. hes no baby, again thats who you married and expect to adapt to YOUR life style.

 

I am not going to bed when you tell me to, I will go to bed when I want too

 

He makes total sense to me, who tells you what hour to get up or sleep? nobody, you go to bed when YOU want and sleep when YOU want, but he doesnt have that freedom does he, because now your going to change him and make him do what YOU want.

 

He works and goes to school out of town and is only home on the weekends

 

Did this schedule change after you got married, or is it the same? Bet it was like this before too.

 

I don't see why he can't sleep with his wife when he is home. I feel so empty and unloved. I deal with him being gone and look forward to him coming home, but I don't feel it is recipricated.

 

Was he the same or different before getting married? you did date right?

you know, being with someone that nags and start acting like a mother is kind of a turn off. plus im sure that it has to be when you want it .

 

I have been married to a man whom I love more than anyone I have ever loved in my life for the past 7 months

 

Your not in love with this man, your in love with the man you would like him to be.

 

I feel like I just want to end it because we always will get into these long fights because we are just so different.

 

They were allways different, what you have come to realise now, is YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE.

 

I think we need marriage counseling but he thinks counseling is "so american" and isn't open to it. He doesn't think people need counseling. I personally think he doesn't want to hear what other people say.

 

You say we, but you really mean he, dont you, I guess you figure that if you cant make him be who you want, you will get some doctor that will fix his head to see things your way. well he aint broken, if you buy a Ford pinto at the show room, dont expect it to change into a cadillac in your drive way. he never changed! he is what you married.

 

I know he loves me, but I don't think he understands me and I dont' think there is any way I can get him too understand me.

 

Notice again the " No way I can get him to understand me" you mean get him to see things your way.

 

What to do now? you got two choices, accept him for who he is and what he is, or divorce. next time date the man for awhile before marrying them, look at their lifestyle, if something is off, dont go thinging your going to change or mold them into what you want, cause it aint gonna happen.

[The Morrigan]

I have been married to a man whom I love more than anyone I have ever loved in my life for the past 7 months. Our marriage has always been rocky and that is because we don't understand each other. We have some cultural differences and he doesn't understand my life and I don't understand why he is the way he is.

 

We don't agree on parenting and I have three children.

 

These are your children and not his? I'm guessing you didn't realize your ideas of parenting were different before you got married, but you've only been married 7 months - he should respect your lead as they're your children, or at least discuss what he disagrees with.

 

He likes to stay up till 3-4AM everynight and I go to bed aroudn 1AM, and he sleeps till 2PM in the afternoon on weekends. I have told him over and over again that I would like him to go to bed with me at night and he just says "I am not going to bed when you tell me to, I will go to bed when I want too." He works and goes to school out of town and is only home on the weekends and I don't see why he can't sleep with his wife when he is home. I feel so empty and unloved. I deal with him being gone and look forward to him coming home, but I don't feel it is recipricated.

 

Ok, I'm going to be blunt, and say I don't think he's being at ALL fair or reasonable here. He's gone all week, he could compromise on the weekend to give you some attention as his wife. Does he spend time with you during the day after he's up at all?

 

He is not from America, in fact he is from London and lived a whole different kind of life I did.

 

Ok, honey, my parents were born and raised in Scotland, and I lived there myself, and in England... and it's not such a big culture difference as to account for discrepancies like this. I'm sorry, but that seems like an excuse, and not a valid reason at all.

 

I am at my end now and feel like I want a divorce because I just can't keep doing this. It is Thanksgiving tomorrow and he isn't spending it with me because we got in a fight over parenting issues with my daughter. I feel like I just want to end it because we always will get into these long fights because we are just so different.

 

He's not spending the holidays with you because he had an argument over parenting issues? I'm sorry, but this is not a mature reaction to a problem, I'm afraid I'm not impressed with his treatment of you or his marriage so far...

 

I love him very much and jus tdon't know what to do. I think we need marriage counseling but he thinks counseling is "so american" and isn't open to it. He doesn't think people need counseling. I personally think he doesn't want to hear what other people say.

 

I think you're right, I don't think he wants to hear a third party viewpoint where he might not be able to justify his actions easily. Sorry, but again, it sounds like he's making excuses to avoid actually doing anything towards working on your relationship.

 

The icing on the cake is his family and friends don't even know he got married. I know he loves me, but I don't think he understands me and I dont' think there is any way I can get him too understand me. Please any advice would help me. I am lost.

 

Ok, hon, this shot my eyebrows up into my hairline. You've been married 7 months and he hasn't told his family or friends? Has he told you why he hasn't said anything to them? This is something I find pretty alarming, marrying someone is supposed to be something to be proud of, not to hide like a shameful secret.

 

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with this guy. He doesn't sound like he's treating either you or the marriage with much consideration and respect, and you certainly deserve better than this from your husband.

[materia_goddess]

hey marriageintroubleneedhelp

 

id have to agree with The Morrigan 100%! you have to examine the facts here. look at your own post and the situation. i get the feeling you two just jumped into this relationship hoping the problems would just sort themselves out.

think about this carefully, but take his treatment of you into consideration. He is away, and when he is home he doesnt sleep with you? to me that sounds a bit suspicious.

 

id say a good heart to heart talk must be done. establish the feelings he has for you and vis versa. tell him your not happy, and make sure these issues dont continue. Without trust and honesty, there is no relationship

 

goodluck!

 

*+*Materia_Goddess*+*

[mahlina]

I completely agree with The Morrigan & Gilgamesh!

 

I don't mean to bash you but...

The Morrigan made some good points here

1. There's not reason to include the fact that he's from Britain and he's this and that b/c you're culturally different. (In which what Morrigan says is right! You're not!)

2. Really, he never told his friends/framily about your marriage? Ouch!

 

Gilagamesh's comment

if you buy a Ford pinto at the show room, dont expect it to change into a cadillac in your drive way.

(I thought this quote was really funny by the way )...He's completely right! You can't change someone, even after marriage, so why bother marrying them in the first place? I feel like Judge Judy here, but seriously, how long did you guys date before you actually tied the knott?

 

Wouldn't you examine issues like this before you get married? I mean, marriage is a contract, once you sign it, you better know what you're getting yourself into.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm not sure if marriage counseling would help at this point, but you could try. Your values are completely different though.

 

Plus, I just don't get it, why wouldn't he share the good news to his friends/family about your marriage??? Maybe he just wanted a greencard or to be a permanent U.S. citizen. Who knows...

 

Truly, I hope that you will find someway to resolve your problem!

[vfunkera]

i think the main question here is is the marriage based on love? did you marry someone that you were willing to die for and vice versa?

 

did you even date each other before deciding to dedicate your lives like this? did you even move in with each other for a few months? if you did then you would have known that this relationship was going to bring up some problems.

 

Marriage is about true love and dedicating your selves to make the other person happy. if he truly loves you, then there wouldnt be any little quables over what time to go to bed. he'd want to go when you asked, and you would go when he asks. if the women i loved told me to come to bed when i wasnt sleepy, i'd still go because i love her and thats what she asked to me to do. no problem as long as the partners happy. suppose you did start hanging around and went to bed when he decided for a couple of weeks. if he doesnt start dong the same for you, then there isnt any love being returned is there? leaving you on thanksgiving because of some stupid argument over the kids? its the kids who are suffering today as a result. the family doesnt know? does this man really care?

 

He's gone all week, he could compromise on the weekend to give you some attention as his wife. Does he spend time with you during the day after he's up at all?

if he doesnt seem to care about not having any time being spent with you, especially on the weekend, then he is not in love with you and you have made a wrong choice in marrying him.

 

why do you love him? what has he done to earn this love when this is the way he is behaving? Gilgamesh is right in the fact that you cant change him, so how did you fall for this man? was it just infatuation? did you even date seriously to see if marriage was right? did you just want to mould him into who you want.

 

its got nothing to do with culture, or where you are raised. if it was love then none of this would ever have come up. both of you would be thrilled to see each other and would do anything to delight and satisfy each other. he obviously doesnt seem to feel the same way you do, so how long are you going to go on like this? if he doesnt want to hear what his wife has to say then is there really a point in being married? is there a point in even being in a relationship?

 

you cant change who he is, and you are not getting the love that you are giving out. leave this man, and find someone who will love you so much that he will go any length for you, and that includes the kids if it makes you happy. he is out there. good luck.

[marriageintroubleneedhelp]

I read all your posts and thought I would clarify a few things.

 

First of all, we did date about a year before we got married, and before we got married I brought all these issues up.

 

1. Him working out of Town.

He applied for a job at his school as a Manager of the Telefund department and he told me that he didn't think he was going to get it, and even said he hopes he didn't. He said after that semester was over he would come here and live and change schools, or persue a Masters later on because he didn't like his course of study anyway.

 

Then after marriage he actually got the job he didn't think he would get so he told me he will be gone Monday - Thursday for work and school. I was upset but I understood it was something he needed to do. I figured in my head I would at least have him here on weekends. He gets here on Thursday evening late and I am usually in bed, but the thing that I didn't know is he would sleep till 2PM every day and I am up early dealing with responsibilities that people have to deal with in real life while he sleeps. I stay up till 1AM not because I enjoy staying up that late but only because that is the only way I can spend time with him. I am disappointed every night when I go to bed at 1AM and he stays up until like 4AM and he gets in bed and puts his arms around me and he really enjoys having me in bed. He always gets his needs me. I am always there in bed when he comes, yet I have to go to bed alone every night. Its not just once in a while its every night he is home.

 

The next issue: Cultural Differences!!!

 

In England they have afternoon ciesta (sp) and they sleep in teh afternoon and then get up and have tea and toast and they don't have dinner until around 10PM and then they go to bed late. That is the life there. Not to the extreme of my husband, but similar. Also he is from a large hispanic family. He went to boarding schools growing up. There is a lot of cultural differences I just didn't get into them.

 

So a response to you all is NO I didn't know it was going to be this way when we got married.

 

HE didn't tell his family because he wants to tell them in person not on the phone and he is going home next month. He feels his mother will be hurt because she sent him here to study not get married, and he is afraid to hurt her. She will not be as accepting of me because I have children and in his family it will be frowned upon. What upsets me about it is that in the beginning he just said he will tell her. I thought he was working on telling her when he told her he had a girlfriend but then a month later when his mother asked about me he lied and told her we are just friends, "So much for making progress." I feel like he has no intention of telling his family because he is ashamed of me for having children. I want to point out that I was married for 10 years previously and my husband left me for one of my friends. I didn't have a bunch of children out of wedlock and I don't understand why his family won't understand.

 

He is immature and needs to grow up basically, but I just don't think I can stick around and wait for that to happen.

 

 

 

Gilgamesh: YES I realize you can't change people. I know I can't force him to go to bed with me. I know that, but I don't understand why he can't spend time with me at all. He is gone all week and I accepted that. He comes home and sleeps till 2PM and then watches TV all damn day and then goes to bed late. Why can't we sit and talk in the evening? Why can't we lay in bed and talk when it gets late? I guess your right, I can't change him and he just is NOT what I need in my life. I need more and he can't give me more. I need a man who wants the same thing as me, and I don't think that is him.

 

About the yoru parenting comment: YES we talked about it before marriage and he agreed to help me with the children and I welcomed that. In his family where he is from children don't talk back. Children do what they are told and don't ask "Why?" I thought maybe a little bit of strictness in my house would be good for all of us, but it is getting to the point where I don't have a say anymore.

 

We were in Boston on an interview the other day and I had to be back at 4:30 to meet my son cause he was coming home and can't be left alone and he wanted to go eat, and I told him we needed to get back and he said, "Why do you run for your children, they can wait" What he meant is the people bringing him home can wait. As if he had no respect for that fact that my son is my responsibility not someone else's. All this didn't come out before marriage. He is young, only 24, and no children and all this is new for him, and that is why I let a lot slide because I figured he is young and needs to grow, but he is now trying to make me be like him, and I am MYSELF. Like you said, you can't change a pinto into a cadilac. Untimately they are my children and my responsibility.

 

About your comment about being in love with him:

 

YES I am in love wiht HIM, not the idea of what he COULD BE. He used to spend time with me and enjoy the time. He used to be sweet and want to sleep with me at night. He acted like I did and couldn't get enough of me, and we were always together. It's almost as if he thinks he got me where he wants me and he can now let it all hang out if you know what I mean. Now that he has me so in love with him and willing to do anything for him, he can now show the side of him that I don't like very much.

 

I have told him how I feel and he just insults me and makes me feel like what I want is ridiculous and selfish blah blah blah. He is now verbally abusive with calling me names and running me down and making me feel bad. He used to say to me that he would die if he ever made me cry, but lately he is the only one that brings tears to my eyes, and he doesn't even care.

 

I think he grew up with abusive controlling parents, and that is why he is the way he is.

 

I know I have choices to make, and I think ultimately we will divorce.

 

About the comment about the Green Card.. Perhaps your right!

[The Morrigan]

It sounds like you're aware of some of the issues at least, though one thing I'd like to point out is the siesta may be from him coming from the large hispanic family - it's definitely not an english tradition. I lived there, trust me on this - there is a normal breakfast, the BIG meal is at lunchtime, then afternoon tea around 3pm or so, and what would be considered lunch fare for us they have at dinnertime, though many no longer follow that tradition due to work schedules. The workday, and bedtimes are very similar. That he comes from a large (and seemingly traditional) hispanic family makes more sense in accounting for some of the cultural differences.

 

It also sounds like his boarding school background has given him a negative or unrealistic outlook on parenting, and looks on your children more as inconvenient at times, not your primary responsibility. And you're right, that's not right, and not a good thing. Remember, he can only change if he sees the need for it and truly wants to. As hard as you try to make him see your side, he won't unless he's ready.

 

If he's verbally abusing you, I'd go over my options quickly and come to a decision, either try to get him to attend counseling with you in one final bid to save your marriage, or tell him this isn't something you can deal with. It's not healthy for you or your children, and you're sorry, but you're not going to live with that.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it seems you recognize it has to be dealt with. Sit down and figure out what you need from a relationship, and if he won't be able to realistically meet those needs, do what you have to, for yourself and for your children.

 

Best of luck to you.

[marriageintroubleneedhelp]

Your Right.

 

I sent him an email and told him that we are just two different people, and I can't change him as he can't change me. I recognized that maybe I was blinded by love at first and thought maybe he was not what he is now, but it boils down to the end of our marriage.

 

At the end i told him I am willing to go to counseling as a last ditch effort to save this marriage. I also said "You might think it is "so american" but we tried "so his name" and that didn't work, so maybe you should try the american way."

 

I don't think he will reply in a nice way, he will probably be nasty, very nasty.

 

I sent an email because he will probably be sleeping till around 2-3PM and I will be having dinner with my children around that time, so I sent him an email.

 

I'm so frustrated it is Thanksgiving and he is at his apartment by himself being pissed off, and I am sitting here with my children explaining to them why their step father is not here for Thanksgiving when they know he was going to be here. Not to mention the fight is over a disagreement about parenting with my daughter, so she feels responsible. I just hate the way it is... im frustrated.