Jump to content

I can't control my mind!! Lost my whole world!


Recommended Posts

Hello to everyone,

 

I have been reading the postings on this website the past few days and it has really helped me to know I'm not alone. I just decided to actually register and talk about my own situation. So here it is and I hope I can sum it up without writing a novel.

 

About 2mos. ago my girlfriend of 4.5 years (lived together for 3) had a very bad break up. I had just lost my 90yr. old grandmother (who I was taking care of), Just got back from visiting my family in the Midwest w/my g/f, and just lost my job all within two weeks. Then I saw an email that she wrote to a relationship advise group that mentioned she had a "fling" last summer and had "slept" with him and has since. So she cheated on me we fought (badly) and broke-up. I ended up going absolutely insane! Every time I closed my eyes I saw her with him doing things that we did. It actually still makes me physically sick and very depressed. So what did I do next? The worst thing ever....I went on a drinking binge that saw a few sunrises. I called her at work very upset and drunk one day. I also had taken a few xanax which was even more stupid. I guess I was saying some really stupid things about not wanting to live and envying my friends that have died. She was very afraid that I was going to hurt myself so she "supposedly" tried to call a few of my friends to no avail, then called her mom to come check on me to see if I was OK. Well, mom never really liked me because I was a little older than my g/f. So, mom decided to call the police to check my welfare.....that is the worst thing to do in this situation! They came while I was on the phone with her still. I didn't even let them in, they just walked in asked me a few questions then saw my g/f's friend's b0ng on the coffee table and arrested me on the spot. So, I went to jail drunk and on xanax for a whole day! When I was finally released, my friend took me back to my apartment so I could sleep. When I got back there was a notice stating that we had 4 days to move out due to my arrest. So I had a misdemeanor charge, we got evicted and I had to go to court the next week.

I went to court and now have probabtion for 6mos and have to take substance abuse classes (that's good) and pee in a cup. OH BOY!! But after I got out of court, being DestructoBoy, I went straight to the pub and got pist. I stayed for a few hours then went home stopping for another 6 pack and ended up getting in a fight with some chollo gangster boy with a tear drop tatt'd by his eye. I broke his nose, he punched me in the mouth and kicked me in the chin, I ended it with a missed punch that landed on his windpipe. He ran, I got 6 stitches in my chin. Sweet huh!?

My g/f and I tried to get back and work on things because we really had a special love. We both were stupid about things and knew it. That didn't work she decided she didn't want to have a b/f anymore and wanted to be young and single. Now she is already dating a new guy two years younger than her! I can't get her out of my head. I stay up all night thinking, work all day thinking about her, go to school then come back and think all night again. I feel like I'm insane. I can't control my thoughts. I'll be thinking about something then a vision of her "with" someone else will pop in my head!? I can't eat or sleep. I wish I were with her everynight still holding her. She is so beautiful and I adore her even though she has hurt my soul. I know I'd be better off without her but I can't get around feeling like I was rejected and left to suffer. She has moved on so easy and I made the mistakes of making frantic and very desperate calls to her asking how? and why? I miss her so much. I missed the way she loved me the past year. I know we both went through a good transformation the past year after our indiscretions. I feel like she doesn't miss me at all now? How can she just move on after so much together. She has been very cold to me and seems to have everything figured out in her life and knows she doesn't want to be with me anymore. One minute we're happy as can be ordering a fortune in new furniture, the next minute we are total strangers.

I stopped calling her and writing her hoping that she will eventually think about me or miss me.....but she hasn't. It's so hard to not call her but I've stayed strong. I don't know how to move on. I meet good looking girls but I want nothing to do wth them? That's not like me!? All I can do is think about her and what I lost and the times we had........

So passionate....AHH!!

 

Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice! I would be in a lot worse shape right now if I haven't found this site. If anyone has made it through my ramblings I would LOVE to hear some advice or just to know that it will get better. I feel hopeless and it's been only a week since we actually "Stopped" talking. Does anyone know of any good books to help my crazy mind? I feel sick now going over this all again. I feel like she has taken my life away! HELP!!!

 

-Destruco

 

SORRY FOR THE NOVEL!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello DestructoBoy and welcome,

 

Wow, I read your story a few times. Looks like you have been through a lot.

 

I actually do have a great book for you. Its called "How to Heal a Painful Relationship". Its not so much about saving relationships as it is about healing yourself as a result of them. It gives a really fresh perspective on situations and things that you can think about to try and get over what has happened.

 

Since its only been a week, you are in for a long haul. It takes time to get over things. With your previous self-destructive habits, you might have some special challenges ahead. I'd really like to suggest you get into some counseling to help you with things. Maybe even a group would be useful, but check with your counselor as they can recommend things that might be effective for you.

 

As you've seen, its usually easier on the person who initiates the break up since they have already done the soul searching. The person getting dumped has to start at the point of the break up so they are at a big disadvantage. Take it easy on yourself and forgive yourself. Learn from whats happened to you. That way the next relationship will have a much better chance at survival.

 

Spend some time on you now. Read the book. Get some counseling. Heal yourself. It WILL get better, I promise.

 

avman

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hello Destructo

 

I am sure you have come accross many posts regarding how to deal with these situations.

 

Its not easy, i know, I have been in that pain as you are now. we know what we must do and not do, but its easier said then done.

 

You know you need to get back on your feet, and start taking care of yourself, but you dont want to, because of your low self esteem.

 

you know you are a handsome guy and can have other women, but, you feel like worthless dirt and punish yourself.

 

You know you should forget the past and start thinking of the now, but she penetrates your mind and dreams and its difficult to let go of those memories of her and what you once had. You want so much to be as it was. its all gone forever.

 

How did I get past this? Time, you may think it wont stop hurting, but it will. its good to write these things down like you did here in this forum, it really helped me. but my healing didnt happen over night, it took many months.

 

Dont contact her ever! put everything that reminds you of her in a box, put it away. you need to start taking care of yourself, you need a new attitude, tomorrow, start making some changes, just do them, re arrange the furniture in your home, paint the walls. exchange all those CD you and her listened to and get new music. while at the mall, get a new hairstyle, buy some new clothes. and shoes. get a new cologne.

 

Join a Gym, start get on a routine. travel somewhere you have never gone. I know you dont want to do this stuff, and you think it wont help, but it does. they day you broke up with her, your life has stopped, you have had no new good experiences since she left your life. so its as if she left yesterday. Join that Gym now, do all that stuff. your life slowley but surely will get back in shape. the hurt will get smaller and smaller, eventually you will see other smiling faces in the croud besides hers.

 

From now on you are ConstructoBoy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with avman's points.

 

Also - if you have self-destructive urges, is there anyone, a friend, a family member, anyone you can talk to to get past the time when the urge hits? Sometimes it helps to have a supportive person who knows what to expect, and who's willing to talk, go somewhere, anything to get past the time when the urge is the strongest. And who will be there afterwards when you stumble (because trying to overcome anything, everyone has the occasional backslide, you're human after all) to listen and offer an open ear, and ask if there's anything that they can do, or go over it with you and let you work your way through it. This is part of what counseling is for as well, but it's always nice to have someone you can reach anytime who isn't going to judge you and who will be there.

 

It HAS only been a week, don't be so hard on yourself, it would be a miracle if you were ready to go out and dance the tango with another girl yet. Take some time for yourself, try and stay busy as much as possible, if your friends offer distraction, going out with them and stuff, even if you don't feel like it - go anyway. Ok, you might not have a good time at first - but your 4 walls aren't very good company either, there's nothing to lose getting away from them and your own thoughts when you can. If you'd broken an arm or leg, you'd not think about giving yourself the allowances to heal from that, do the same while you heal your heart and mind, it's not being weak, it's just being as good to and reasonable with yourself as you would a friend going through it - and you deserve to treat yourself at least as well as you would someone else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ouch, that sounds pretty painful, and I wouldn't know where to turn if I were in that situation, too. There is a skill to living within the boundaries of society and when we grow up always knowing what we want and never having anyone we trust tell us -no- then the first time that we face rejection is really hard on us, and yes she is taking your soul away, that is true. You'll grow a new one, but the drinking and hitting people must stop, or you will lose your life to the system!

 

If you wish to give up this life and move to the system, then continue on the same track and you'll get there!

 

If you wish to live a normal life, by this I mean not in prison, then you need to make some changes, and that is why you are here.

 

1. You need to get some real people in your life, mom or dad may be a good start, brothers, sisters, anyone who will help you, and can stand up to you, because you seem like you are a pretty tough customer!!

 

2. Learn to trust that you really don't know what is best for you, and that is why you develop a dependency on others, your girlfriend, maybe even your grandmother was someone that you had depended on while she was with you.

 

3. You need to find some kind of a set up that will keep you from victimizing others while you are healing. The Xanax isn't all that bad for this, but you abused it and drugs like people shouldn't be abused.

 

4. Get some job that will help you stay focused. The job you are doing is maybe too easy and that is why you keep thinking about her so much.

 

5. Go to the Dr and tell them all that you've been through and see what they can do--remember to trust that others know better than you do for a while, this will get you to a place where you can heal.

 

By the way, what were the charges that they arrested you under?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm in a living hell myself at the moment, looks like there's no return to the way it used to be. here's a song that's helping me adjust:

 

 

There's someone somewhere - who can't go on;

Their life is cryin', it's all gone wrong.

What can I say now - to help you get through,

Except to say that, I've been there too ?

You got to wake up, shake up, you got a right to live;

Shake up, don't break up, you've got a lot to give.

 

Your soul is achin' - you can't see it through;

But time is healin', each day you do.

Keep on lookin' forward - forget the past;

It's up to you now, don't let it last.

You got to wake up, shake up, you got a right to live;

Shake up, don't break up, you've got a lot to give.

 

You'll wake up one mornin' - you start to feel good;

The sun in the blue sky, looks like it should.

'Cause time is a healer - it's strange but it's true;

So keep lookin' forward, the sun will come through.

You got to wake up, shake up, you got a right to live;

Shake up, don't break up, you've got a lot to give.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Dude

 

I read your story in detail and I can tell you I am doing the same thing right now as we speak. I met my soul mate, we hooked up. She told me she loved me. Made me promise forever and that I would never leave her. She told me I made her feel complete, that she was missing a connection. And I was it. She told me I was owed to her. Her mother died and she told me I was sent to her by angels from her mother. I looked into this womans eyes and melted like butter. When I was in her arms at night. It was my soft place to land, I felt like a king and I was home. As far as good looks, this woman looks like a clone of Sharon Stone. For me she was my dream girl. We were two weeks away from moving into together. And talked about getting married in Hawaii in 2004. We even went so far as to exchange rings.We were planning a future together. I only met her 7 months ago by sheer accident at a 7/11 at the coffee counter. I was not even looking for a serious relationship at the time. But for me, I really fell for this very special lady and the story she fed me.I bought it all hook line and sinker. I was in, and I was in deep. I knew she was the one. My brand new life was off and running.

Last week we bought a couch and brand new poster bed together.This bed was a masterpiece of work. And all I could think about was being in her arms when I came home at night in this very very special bed for the rest of my life.And my checkbook took a really big hit.But at the time I did not care.Then it all changed about five days ago she told me she wanted to break-up for no real reason. I felt like I was going insane, I drove around in my car for days in a daze.I drank, I did stupid things. I did not understand why.But I could not call. I treated this woman like a goddess, but I had a serious issue with her drinking . I then found out through a close friend she was seeing someone else while she was out drinking when I was at work.

I can only speak for myself, but talking about moving in with someone and possible marrige . Well these were very important life situations to me. And I needed someone I could count on and of course trust. She lied to me, she cheated on me, and she had a drinking problem.She of course did not think she had a problem. And that turned out to be the problem. Did it make me love her any less ?..."NO"I wanted her to get some help and she would not. It hurt me deep down after finding out but I knew I could not call her, I had to somehow suffer through it in my own way and time. Emotional pain has to be the hardest pain anyone can suffer. And I would not wish it on anybody. Do I sleep ? Not to well, Do I dream of her? You bet...Do I think of her ? Often. We are going through the same thing. Do I want the phone to ring...yes and no...It more than likely won't. Will I call ? "NO" Do I want to ?Yes. Am I mad ?Yes, Am I hurt ? You bet. Will I miss her ? More than she will ever know. Will she miss me? I would hope so. Will I ever know ? I may never know. I watched a show by accident the other day, it was a preacher...and I really don't know why I stopped on that channel, but I did. He said "Do not drive yourself crazy with questions that may go unanswered. Turn it over and let it go to someone from higher up in the big picture. What he said hit me like a brick. And I knew right then and there I had to do exactly that.So I just wanted to let you know you have helped me as we'll by sharing. And I appreciate it. and you are with me brother in spirit as we suffer back to a better state of well being.

Do I think we will ever get them back, more than likely not. That is the hardest part to accept. And that in my opinion control's your mind. Like the other moderators said. Get some help if you need it, maybe even see a Dr. for the sleep and possible depression if it gets any worse. We have both been to the top of the mountian. And now we fell right to the bottem. And not of our own choosing. So it is time to start climbing my brother. You are in my prayers this evening and for many more to come. Take some quiet time, then get back in the game. It is time to move on. It will get better for the both of us and that is a promise. If you need to chat is person your welcome to. My email address is email removed, My real name is Michael and I live in Orlando Florida. Trust in Karma, and eat some turkey today with some friends.

 

Peace

Kuhl

P.S. The good news is I now own a Very special bed and a new couch, and maybe someday I'll share that bed. But it won't be today. We did not fail, sometimes we just don't get it right the first time or even the second. But for me love is only spoken words between 2 people. But it has to mean something. And both people have to be honest, true, and loyal to the relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HELLO Friends.....

 

Thanx Gilgamesh!

 

I went to a few friends houses today. It was nice getting out but something still seemed to be missing and she was always at the back of my mind.

Though I wasn't dwelling, her phone call today haunted me. The first time I listened I thought she said she was going to call me tomorrow but when I listened again she really said "I hope your day is going well" Well that changes everything. I see what she's up to. She's going to call every once in awhile to see how I am. Like a friend. I think I should keep from answering her calls and not calling her back!? It's so hard, but now I don't even know what I'd day to her?....I love you? I miss you? I can't live without you? How stupid would that be? I'd look like a pathetic chump.

There's nothing I can do to make her love me. So I figure I just need to let her go completely? But the thing is I'd take her back if she asked me too. And I think she knows it. She likes that I'm still hung up on her.

I've met and "been" with other girls already (1, 2x better looking) but I don't "like" them. I'm still crushed from "her". Now, if new "intimacy" in my life can't help.....WHAT WILL!? TIME? I hate time!! But I know deep down that that's what it is.

I miss her and only want her. Even after being wanted by beautiful women. What's wrong with me?

 

De/ConstructoBoy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There's nothing wrong with you at all. You are hurt, grieving, and healing. Thats all perfectly normal under the circumstances.

 

And yes, time is really the one thing that will help. It sucks because you have no control over it. It can't pass fast enough. If somebody ever invents the 'heartache' pill (take one and the pain is gone forever) it will be the biggest discovery since penicillin. But until that day, we all have to put up with waiting it out. Its different for every person, so nobody call tell you how long it will take to heal.

 

You asked why other women don't spark that interest in you. Well thats because you are still not over her. Sleeping with them isn't going to make the pain go away and the fact that they are better looking has absolutely nothing to do with your healing or their compatability with you.

 

I firmly believe you can't really be "friends" with you ex until you are over them. Otherwise you'll always be hoping they will come back to you and that just messes up the friendship. Plus it keeps the hurt alive in your heart, and it gives your ex all the power in the friendship. So its not healthy.

 

Time will heal my friend. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep living. And its going to be ok.

 

avman

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...