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How to Console Friend Who Killed Others via DWI


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My friend "Bob" was in a car accident 4 days ago. In the car were 3 other close friends. My friend Bob dodged a deer with his car, but it flipped, killing 1 of our closest friends who had a wife and 3 kids. The other two men were thrown from the car and are in serious condition. As fate would have it "Bob" is not injured. Bob had a blood alcohol level which was .17. I know for a fact that .17 is pretty sloshed.

 

We are all coming back to town for the funeral. I'm not sure what to say to him. I plan to give him "Psalm 25" because it talks about protection from God. Surely there are a lot of people really mad at him.

 

My thoughts are that the passengers should never have gotten in the car, so as sad as it is, the families of those injured shouldn't blame the driver. The decision to get into a car with a drunk is as stupid as driving the car.

 

I'm not going to simply let me friend "Bob" off the hook though. I plan on just telling him to let God do the judging, and not to judge himself. I will also tell him I'm not his judge and I will be there for him. I have to admit, I believe he should serve whatever jail time they give him though.

 

Any other ideas or thoughts?

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Whew, wow that is a really bad situation.

 

I think it is wrong to place any blame on the passengers in the car. I think your friend "Bob" needs to take full and complete responsibility for what happened. And he's going to have to take a lot of heat from the families. Thats the consequence for his actions. He also should serve jail time if thats what a jury decides. Also I think he should pay restitution to the family of the man who was killed since they now will have to struggle for the rest of their lives because of what he did.

 

With all of this said, I think it is good of you to stand by your friend through all of this. He will need support to make it through what he is going to endure. And he will need counseling and your help to forgive himself for his actions. I truly hope he has learned his lesson from all of this. But someone else has paid a terrible price for this and its going to take a long time for people to calm down and to heal.

 

Have him work on forgiving and making amends. God will forgive him if he is truly sorry and atones for what he has done. People will have a much harder time doing that I suspect.

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YES HE WAS WRONG FOR GETTING BEHIND THE VEHICLE AND SO WERE YOUR FRIENDS (SORRY ABOUT THE LOSS) BUT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT IT WAS ALL PART OF GODS PLAN. IT WAS HIS TIME. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF WHAT YOU MAY BECOME BUT YOUR NOT IN CHARGE OF LIFE AND DEATH. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIEND COULD NOT HAVE BEEN AVOIDED. IT WAS GOD'S PLAN. AS MESSED UP AS IT MAY SOUD THAT IS WHAT IT WAS YOUR FRIEND WAS CALLED UPON. IT WAS HIS TIME. YOUR FRIEND I'M SURE IS GRIEVING.HE IS LIVING.HE FEELS.CONSOLE HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO. THIS IS JUST A LESSON THAT WAS LEARNED BUT AT A PRICE.

 

YOUR FRIEND

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*turns off Caps Lock*

 

That was a horrible story indeed. The brother of a friend of mine got killed years ago when he met with a drunken driver, or if he was drunk himself, I can't remember. The loss is horrible and the voids behind the victims seem to be endless..

 

However.. I do believe that while the driver has the ultimate responsibility not to ignite the engine when he's drunk, The passengers should have known that the driver was drunk; and so, not gotten into the car. It's only common sense and a risk they were willing to take.

 

It is to prevent this that Alco-locks were created.

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This is going to be very very difficult to handle. If I were a relative of one of the passengers I would be very hurt and confused by this, heck if it were Me, I can't say that the guy would be very safe at a funeral setting!!

 

People are going to have to take time to accept what occurred in their own way in their own time. Some may see him as killing those people willingly, others may feel that it could have happened to anyone of us!!

 

If he is really going to show up at the funerals of these people, there is going to have to be plenty of talking on both sides, not blaming, but asking and answering questions.

 

He will need to get emotional counseling, I might add legal counseling, religious counseling if he is that sort of person....the list goes on and on.

 

If he had no close relatives, and you are his only friend, I would just support him and not try and reason with him during this time, let him be a human and come up with his own conclusions about how much of this he can handle.

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I feel very sorry for the driver. i cannot express enough that 'DRUNK PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING' So the non-drunks should have not gotten into that car. ESPECIALLY if you have a wife and kids...he should have been at home with them, instead of getting into a car with some drunk. The risk is so high when getting into a car with a drunk person so i dont think the blame should be put on the driver. His own guilt is enough punishment, so he doesnt need friends judging him. At this point in his life..he probably has never needed his friends more, so dont play God. Be there for him.

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I greatly appreciate your comments. It has helped me understand how to approach him.

 

I plan on going into Seminary next summer, so I feel that this is the beginning of a future in counseling him about God's love and forgiveness for him.

 

Psalm 25, Verse 16-20

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicated.

The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.

Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all of my sins.

See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me, let me not be put to shame

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I'm sorry to hear of EVERYONE'S loss in this matter.....yours for what your friend is going to go through, and the family of the man that was killed. However...there is NO justification for him getting behind the wheel after he'd had several drinks, period. Anyone who's drunk enough to know they're impaired should CERTAINLY have the common sense to ask someone else to drive. There is NO excuse for taking the wheel in that instance, and the friends (which I'm presuming were at the bar with him and saw how much he was drinking) should have taken his keys or refused the ride as soon as they saw he intended to drive.

 

My father is an alcoholic-he blacked out and nailed someone's car in the parking lot of a liquor store on his way to get more alcohol, didn't even remember it, and my mother didn't know until the owner of the other car called to find out if a claim had been filed yet. Imagine the rage.....

 

So yes, I feel badly for your friend only because I know the hatred that's going to be directed at him from this man's family and friends, and that he's going to be alienated, but it's a tough lesson, one that will hopefully sink in enough that he LEARNS from it and either quits drinking altogether or has someone else trustworthy drive if he plans on imbibing......

 

 

Mar

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Maybe after he's recovered a bit he'd consider entering one of the education volunteer programs that go around the schools to help him feel he's doing something "positive" with the horrible experience, and at least trying to prevent someone else making the same mistake?

 

There's not much he can do apart from what's already been mentioned for the families of the people who were killed or injured... but at least he might be able to contribute in some way in a program and gain some purpose from that.

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