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Im sick of myself


Bluebird
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Where to start...im natually a quiet and introverted person. (im a girl by the way) My mother died when i was 6 and that made me always feel like an outsider. People would ask questions about how she died, and i used to hate it. (6 year olds dont like telling their friends that their mother killed themselves, as they also dont want to admit that their own mother could leave them) I lived with my grandmother who is a hard and insensitive person.

So i grew up being the outsider ad many people could see that and would use that against me in their own favour. I was picked on by many people about my looks and everything that they could find as i was hopeless and couldnt ever say anything back.

 

Then..things began to change. I gained all my power back by making fun of others. I showed people that they should watch out coz i was no door mat and i could injure them with my sharp tongue. Things were great..I was no longer a shy introverted door matt, i was on top of it all by being insensitive. I myself would bully a friend who didnt know how to say things back. I picked on the weakest. Although only sometimes id feel a little bad...generally i was good.

 

then i met the man of my dreams. He was smart, sensitive, sweet, understanding..and everything i could have ever imagined. Things were going great, but as we got closer and more comfortable with him we would muck around and id pick on him. He would be jealous of me and although I secretly thought it was cute…I knew my family and friends would laugh at him and think he was a loser so I laughed too. I made fun of him even though he is one of the best things that has happened to me. We had a fight last night as I bullied him infront of a friend. He thinks im a bad person with no heart. He would be right about that. But I haven't always been like this…And I know that deep down in my heart I am such a sensitive caring person. Maybe even too sensitive..i just relate to people in that awful way. When I see a homeless guy..i just want to take him home and give him a feed. Or when I see a lost animal…I always stop where im going and take it home with me. I know im not as bad as he thinks I am and ive explained to him why im like this but he doesn't care. He just thinks im plain bad.

 

What should I do..please help. I hate myself.

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When we fail and make a mistake -- we often forget to apologize for our poor behavior and instead we blame the other person, knowing full well that we could have controlled our own bad self, but we didn't. The schools are failing to punish both girls and boys who bully and if we aren't taught by our grandmother to love and respect others, then how will we learn??

 

If you are to grow up and mature, you need to own your own behavior and stop trying to blame the victim. You know how it feels to blame the victim, because you have had that happen to you before too, even though you don't like to admit it.

 

The guy in question, he must be allowed to grow too. Often when we control people, we do so for our own power needs rather than the health of the relationship. He needs to learn to stand up for himself and you need to let him do it. Of course it will be hard on him, and he will fail a few times, but you will love him even more when he can mean so much more to you than a victim of your own poor behavior.

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im sorry to hear about you losing him because of the way you treated him. you can't blame others for the way you act, you can only blame yourself. you have complete control over your actions & the things you say. from what you have posted it seems like maybe you realize now that you have a problem. i think you need to work on changing your self, other wise you are going to keep losing friends & boy friends. i suggest trying to talk to a counsler or something to help. You just need to think about what you are doing. its nice that deep down you are a sensitive person, but your actions are what matters & what your ex boy friend is going to judge you by.

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I hate to tell you, but your actions AND words speak louder than what you claim you are inside. One cannot read inside of you and somehow "see" what's going on in there, and that you only use abuse as a defense mechanism. All they'll see is that you have that sharp tongue and are generally insensitive to people's feelings. As the previous posts state, you can't use your past as an excuse to be a victim.

 

I'm VERY sorry you lost your mother at such a young age, but living with an insensitive grandmother does NOT mean you had to take on her characteristics! You obviously disapproved of the way she raised you-why are you now following in her footsteps? And what have you gained by being this way? Nothing, I'd bet, except a lot of people, such as that guy you were interested in, closing you out because you won't let them see anything but the hurtful side of you. You can't cry "poor me" when you freely admit that you had no problem taunting people "weaker" than you, and generally bullying those around you.

 

You need to change your attitude, and FAST. There's NO reason why you can't be a strong AND sensitive person at the same time. I am; many people I know are. All it takes is to work on being able to say "no" to the things that are unacceptable to you, such as behaviors towards you, treatment of your feelings or the feelings of those you care about, etc. There's NO reason to resort to childish bullying, it only drives people away.

 

If you're that sensitive, let it come out. There's nothing that says you can't be kind and gentle and humorous to people you care about or might care about, and not be that doormat at the same time. I'd work on this before any more interactions with anyone you might care about, for fear of driving them away as well. It's hard, it's VERY hard, but it can be done.

 

People only see what you show them. I can't stress this enough. If all you're showing them is this bad, tough side of you, they're not going to want to be around you. If they do, they're most likely not the people you truly want in your life anyway. There is NO reason to treat anyone with the disrespect you apparently have, no matter the reason. YOU HAVE TO GIVE LOVE TO GET LOVE. That's about all I can tell you!

 

Mar

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you say that deep down you are this sensitive person, but you show a mean insensitive person to others. if you really are the sensitive person that you claim to be then you wouldn't be untrue to yourself if you showed that side of you. if you feel that you need to change because you don't like the person you are, then its not wrong. whats wrong is when you make your self be all these different people so that some person will accept you. there's a difference between what others want from you & what you want from your self.

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